Failed to stand up for my sister after a man grabbed her
Fighting for honor.
Asalamu Alaykom,
I'm a 20 year old Muslim male. An incident occurred last year concerning my sister which I handled terribly and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it.
First off, my parents are both living abroad so my sister (who is 4 years older) and I live alone, one night when I was returning home I received a call from a friend of hers saying that the doorman's son grabbed her arm. I've had major problems with this friend of hers in the past since I found out that they were dating which is something I'm totally against.
The friend and I arrive at my building and confront the boy (around 17 years old). He quickly denies everything. The friend insults the boy's mother who's standing close by, the boy damages the friend's car. At this point all the neighbors are out trying to find out what's going on. I push the friend into his car and tell him to leave.
I then turn to the boy and his mother and we see my sister who CONFIRMS he touched her arm and it "wasn't the first time". Again the boy denies it and his mother defends him. I then tell him to never have anything to do with my family. That was the end of it.
Now every time I see him I can't get that night out of my head, I feel like I should have killed him for touching my sister, I can't begin to think what my sister is going through, I'm supposed to be there to protect and care for her in my father's absence, and I've failed her completely.
I realize I should have told my father or an uncle and handle it with them, but I don't have a very close relationship with my father and we don't get along or talk about serious issues. I realize that I should have told him, but I didn't. It's been almost a year, no further incident has taken place and it feels like too much time has passed for me to take any action now, though I don't know what it would be. We live in a very close minded and conservative country and the police are of little to no use here.
I've apologized many times to my sister, but I fear she's never going to forgive me. I can never forgive myself and I've lost all respect for myself as a man and guardian. Meanwhile we see the doorman and his family everyday and all these memories come back. I don't know what to do
I pray to God everyday to give me strength so that I can better represent myself and my family in the future, I also pray for forgiveness of my shortcoming towards my family.
Thank you for your time.
Jazak Allah Khair
- TPBC
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ASSALAMALIKUM
WHAT U DID WAS CORRECT AND IF U WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM TRASHING THEN HE WOULD HAVE RETLIATED NEXT TIME IN YR ABSENCE AND THAT BE SOME MORE HARMFUL WAY FOR YR SISTER-
ONE THING YOU WOUOD HAVE DONE IS COMPLAIN T IN THE SOCIETY SO THAT NEST TIME IT COMES TO HIS MIND HE WILL THINK TWICE
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GUILT AS YOU DIDN CORRECT THING HE KNOWS NOW THAT REPEATING IS RRISKY-
REGARDS
Brother, I don't see why you are feeling guilty? You handled this situation in the best manner possible, without any violence, which is in accordance with the teachings of our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
Had you resorted to violence, God knows where you would end up. Violence is the worst way to resolve things.
Also, you mentioned that he's never bothered her since, so you were obviously successful in getting him to stop harassing your sister.
I know brothers are very protective over their sisters, and understandably so, but your sister has never mentioned that she feels you 'let her down, so why do you feel so guilty? '.
Bottom line is, you did DEFEND your sister in the best way possible. Stop feeling guilty, you sound like a great brother. 🙂
Well what's done is done.
You cant do anything about it now.I dont agree that u've resolved the issue in the best way possible.There are certain things that just cant be handled so smoothly.I dont say that you should have smacked his head off but u should have like scolded or insulted him atleast.You could have warned him about serious consequences.
But that's just my opinion.I can be dead wrong.
As for now,u can show ur sister more love and care.Share things with her be open to her.Dont keep any uncomfortable silence or barriers btween u and her.
Pray to Allah SWT for forgiveness and guidance.That's all.Dont just put this thing on ur head.Just get over it.
Allah be with you.
Salaams,
Those who react to confrontations with violence or physical aggression when it is not merited are not acting in a self-controlled way. They are acting in their nafs. Physical aggression should only be used to save someone's life. In this situation, your sister's life was not at stake. So if you were to handle it by putting hands on him, you would be reacting like an animal instead of looking for the higher road. So in essence, you are saying you are ashamed, and that your sister won't forgive you, because you weren't more nafsani?
Astaghfirullah.
Some cultures, and some individuals, believe that manhood is defined by physical strength or how well one man can overpower another with force. This is not the correct or Islamic understanding of what it means to be a man. There is a hadith that generally says that the best man is not the one who is strongest, but the one who is most self controlled. What you did was what many would have advised, and you may even be rewarded for it on the Day of Judgment. If you had acted any differently, perhaps some of your own good deeds would be taken from you and given to that doorman instead.
So every time you catch yourself thinking backwards, and feeling like you made a mistake, tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself that you solved a problem without violence and that it's to your credit. If your sister nags you about what she wishes you would've done differently, tell her the same, and tell her that it' her failing (not your past actions) that keep her from seeing it that way. In time you will no longer be triggered when you see the doorman or enter the lobby if you do this consistently in shaa Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam
In addition to the above comments... why are you still living there? Is not possible to move? If my brother stuck up for me the way you did, i would be happy. Some brothers unfortunately just blame their sisters as if it was their dault the perv grabbed her.
if you were my brother and dealt the situation the way you did I would be proud of you as you would have not made a huge issue in front of whole neighbourhood and made my situation more embarassing.
so take it easy. you did the right thing.