Family pressured me into getting engaged. I dont want to marry him, please help!
Assalamualaikum, I'm a muslim female and I desperately need your help. I was previously engaged to a close cousin but the engagement was called off due to family issues. There was a fuss at first but then later things cooled down and everyone realised that it wasnt a suitable match. After a few months I got another proposal from a distant relative and I was not in the favor of engagement with someone from within family again.
However I was pressurised saying that we cannont reject another proposal from family again it will bring shame etc etc I decided to give in from the fear of bringing humiliation and disappointment to my family. Nine months have passed now and we talk sometimes on text messages, I however do not feel comfortable talking with him and feel that there's a lack of intellectual compatibility.
I just dont see myself being emotionally or intimately involved with him in any way in future. A part of the reason may be that a few years back he tried to hit on me and asked me for my phone number when we were just kids. This just put me off and disgusts me. I try to forget that and think about the positive things but during 9 months I havent been able to be happy with him and I feel that I've been forced into something I dont want to be in.
I feel angry, frustrated depressed. I've tried to tell my parents a number of times but they dont listen and keep saying there's no backing out now. I've recently started doing istikhara but there's no clear answer, the feeling to get rid of him just stays there. I feel frustrated and depressed. I dont want to marry him yet my parents donot listen. I'm emotionally drained and its effecting my health aswell. I feel helpless. what should I do?
-clumsy123
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Salaam sister.
You should not feel guilty. Islam has given us the right to choose our spouse and say no to those we do not wish to marry. Family honour can be restored. But an unhappy marriage due to incomptability can't. You must be strong sister and put your foot down. Period. It doesnt matter if it looks bad - it is your life. Do not allow yourself to be blackmailed. Explain kindly that your sorry but you cant marry him - and hold your ground. Exercise this right Allah swt has given you. The sooner you break the engagement the better.
Be respectufl but hold your ground. If the family want to cause problems due to you exercising your right, let them be. As long as you handle this with firmness, kindness and with manners you should end this engagement.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walikumassalam
I dont want to be rude or harsh to anyone but they just dont seem to listen. everytime i try to make them understand it just ends up in shouting and hurting on both sides. how do i make my parents understand. please help. its going to be one year soon and i've stopped talking and seeing everyone. they just keep saying its going to bring shame to our family since the guy is a cousin of my bhabi (my brother's wife). i just keep thinking about committing suicide.
im sort of in the same position as you the guy is my cousin he loves me dearly and i appreciate it but no matter how hard i try i can't seem to return those feelings.
i got pressurised into this engagement too and i can't back out now 🙁 im basically going to try at this relationship give it my best and see how it goes sometimes i break down and cry my eyes out thinking its not what i wanted but im going to keep at it because at the end of the day im in this as this brings my parents happiness plus it could be something that allah wanted and it might turn out for the better if i dont try i'll never find out will i?
i don't think you should feel so depressed don't be hard on yourself just try to make your end of the relationship work and it might work out you never know,.. i feel sorry for you i know how it is but im just saying this is one option you could do or the other would be to end the engagement i'd love to follow the second option myself but i don't have the heart to ruin the happiness that's clear on my family's faces.
Assalamualaikum Sister,
If you are having any difficulties, make duaa to Allah and put your trust in him. And I think you should do istikhara, talk to a knowledgeable person and stay patient. Trust me suicide is not the answer, do the above and I make duaa that Allah brings ease into your situation, Ameen.