Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Haram relationship when I was young, now I feel unworthy to marry a good man

regretI was in a haram relationship with a boy. It had went up to the extent of illicit pictures. I was young and never understood or comprehended the consequences this will bring to my future.

I have left all of that behind. I repented from it and even years after it, it stuck in my mind. I started feeling disgusted and unworthy and even envied those who kept their honour pure and unexposed.

Now, is it wrong of me to marry a decent guy with no past despite having a very wrong past which went to the extent of indecent pictures? I keep repenting but it doesn't leave my mind. Is it wrong of me to marry a decent guy? Isn't it unfair to him if i keep this past hidden from him? Because a person may be expecting a good wife with a pure past and i don't have it. I repented from it but from the point of view of the man i marry, isn't it unfair for him to have me as his wife who couldn't even protect her body from others eyes?

- Asra


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24 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaykum Dear Sister,

    If you have repented sincerely and never repeated those actions, your slate will be clean InshaAllah, and it will be as if you didn't commit that sin. You must be sincere for that to be the case. It sounds like you are. As for your second question, it is not for us to reveal what Allah in his infinite mercy has kept concealed. I wish you the best

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • Plz guide me how to write my question where is the option

      • Anm, please register (link to register is on the right side of the home page), then click on "Posts" on the left side, then "Add new." Write your question and save the post. We will publish it in its turn, inshaAllah.

        Use your real email when you register, but if you want to use a made-up name you can do so.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Hey sister, If you have repented then its ok.. Its normal to think of the past because you are a human like any other person...The most important thing you have repented to Allah and you regret doing it. So do not worry at all. As for the second part, you do not have tell your husband your past especially if you know that he would not be ok with that. Just be quiet and safe your marraige from troubles ok.

  3. Assalamualaikum.

    Sister,

    If you have sincerely repented and left all of that behind, there is Paradise for you. QS 3:135-136.

    Don't let your past haunt you. These thoughts will come time and again, just don't entertain it. Now that you've changed, forget about the past and you don't need to ever confess those sins to anyone. So don't ever talk about it.

    No, it's not wrong for you to marry a decent guy. Why not?

  4. A salam ou lakom ou rahmtela wa baraktu,

    My dear sister, I went through a similar situation and have had my fair of shortcomings in life. I sometimes think my past is always lingering and will prevent me from progressing in life. I have repented and have become a better Muslim Alhamdulillah, these thoughts, however, still haunt me and I am also riddled with guilt thinking I will never find a righteous spouse because of my Past.

    I sometimes think Allah maybe punishing me as when it comes to my marital life , things haven’t worked out the way I anticipated. However , my dear sister , there’s a reason why these situations manifested. It’s not because Allah is punishing us per se, it’s simply that , he was calling us back to our deen. We also need to take ownership of our mistakes and ensure we don’t fall into trap of of our desires and repeat the same mistakes, but as long as you have repented Allah will bless you with a new slate. These inner thoughts are was was from shaytan. Don’t fret, as Allah is most forgiving and merciful, what I find solace in, is that God has already predestined our future so try as much as you can to not burden yourself with unnecessary stress as this can become mentally taxing. Sabr and salât are the answer and although patience is a virtue that many of us have yet to master , trust that Allah will always have your best interest and will protect your honour and piety just as long as you always turn to him for guidance in the good and bad moments.

    May Allah bless you with a righteous spouse and ease your pain.

    Salam,

    • Yes i have repented.
      Bt from the pov of the guy, isnt it unfair for him that he is expecting someone without a past and he is fooled behind his back? Is that unjust for him

      • Asalamualaykum Asra,

        You don't know that he is "expecting someone without a past." You don't have any relations with him up to this point, I presume, where he would have told you this or divulged his own past to you.

        You are free to share your past with him if that's what you feel comfortable doing, but it wouldn't be wrong of you to keep it concealed either. The fact that it has already been concealed to this point is Allah's mercy alone, and you can't argue with that.

        Hugs,

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

      • If he's expecting someone without a past, he should marry a newborn baby. Everyone has a past.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • No, Everyone does not commit Zinah. Chaste women for chaste men.

          • The sister never said that she committed zina, and it does not sound like she did. So do not make assumptions. Secondly, when someone makes sincere tawbah the sin is wiped out. Such a person is not considered a zani.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Part of repentance is acknowledging that youve made a mistake and move on from it. No one is perfect and God makes this clear. God doesn't want us to be haunted by our past so why do you allow it?

    If you choose to disclose your past to this man then be prepared for an outcome that you may not like. This is not Hollywood where he will say "I don't care what you done I will still marry you". He may leave you and tell people about your sin etc. So basically you exposing this to him you're basically making yourself vulnerable.

    If he wants to marry you then clearly you have passed his assessment and fit his criteria of a wife. All this maybe you're not good for him is all you doubting yourself. Maybe that is something you need to work on. Learn to trust yourself and think highly of yourself.

    • "If he wants to marry you then clearly you have passed his assessment and fit his criteria of a wife. All this maybe you're not good for him is all you doubting yourself. Maybe that is something you need to work on. Learn to trust yourself and think highly of yourself."

      MashaAllah brother...great words of advice.

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

  6. It’s kind of not fair. After you had fun fooling around, now you want a decent man. If your smart like other woman then go for a guy who was never into the fast world and will be clueless about your past. There’s a hadit I read somewhere, don’t remember how it’s quoted- impurr man should be with impure woman, and vice versus pure with pure. I once knew a girl who shared her haram lifestyle stories with me and once she married a decent man, she ignored me. Afraid that I will reveal her past or feel envious. Sorry for my comments. But I have a different opinion about this thing.

    • This is one medicore comment I have read. So you find it unfair because she did haram things (which you consider as having fun fooling around) and the other man didn't get to. This makes it unfair on him? If anything that is a blessing he was able to control himself and God will reward him in the after life. And this man would be really good for her and exactly what she will need a man in his deen. He would be good role model for the kids and other family members.

      My advice to you is give better advice that hold value and that is scencere and not from emotion. Who are you to deny 2 Muslims from completing half their Deen, who are you to stop a whole generation of Muslim?? Why because the man didn't get to have fun.

      Ps
      Clown

    • Tami, your comment is typical of people who think committing sin is fun, and who are jealous of those who do it. It is not fun, and when you make tawbah later, you look back on those actions with regret and shame. You don't think, "Oh boy, I had such fun committing sins and I got away with it!"

      The quote you mentioned is not a hadith, it is from the Quran. It does not refer to people who made mistakes in the past and made tawbah. It refers to people who are engaged in an ongoing sinful lifestyle. Such a person is not fit for someone who is pure. In fact the ayah originally referred to a man who wanted to marry a woman who was still working as a prostitute.

      But if a person has changed and made tawbah, they are no longer impure. Tawbah wipes out all sins, as do salat, sawm and Hajj.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Salaam

    I had a same situation few months ago. But I could not take tolerate her past, so I broke up with her, but may be there are guys who can tolerate it.

  8. What you have done is being done, it's in past, so leave it behind you. learn from your this mistake and others if you have committed any, and constantly repent to ALLAH. What you can do for now is stay positive, offer your Religious Obligations regularly, especially don't miss offering any prayer. Secondly, about your guilt, it's natural for a Good-Nature person to feel guilty for doing bad things in life, ALLAH will surely see that you are a changed person and will grant you a good husband IN SHA ALLAH.

    P.S stop using phone and gadgets to stay on the right path as suggested by ALLAH, you will have HIS closure this way.

    • "ID Stolen", I edited your comment to remove a part that was offensive, and you know what I mean. Watch yourself and be considerate of others.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. AoA,

    You have perhaps heard of the hadith about pure men for pure women etc.

    But maybe not from a trusted learned scholar.

    I would advise you seek the counsel of learned, trusted scholars.

    Whenever I have had a problem I turn to them and they always open you eyes and heart.

    From my own limited understanding, I heard that Allah says that His Mercy is far, far greater than all the sins of every human and jinn combined. I admire you for having the guts and courage to turn away from wrong and look to being a better Muslim.

    A good man will appreciate this and love this about you.

    Please do not give up. Insha Allah you will find someone that you can be happy with.

    Ask Allah to protect your dignity, but remember that we are often tested with things we love/crave the most.

    Be ready for a few bumps in the road ... just like the rest of us.

    The pain of guilt and regret you are going through is for the sake of Allah, out of your sense of having fallen. Allah will reward for this. Try to forgive yourself, and have trust that Allah knows you.

    But is all of us. We have all done things that causes us tremors of guilt and regret.

    May Allah give us all a veil over our past sins, and give us hope in His Mercy.

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