His empty promise of marriage has me in despair
I am a new revert. Last year, I met a very good man, mash'Allah. We fell for each other. He was new in my country without any family, so I was the only friend and family. We spent so much time together although at the time I didn't know it was a sin in Islam to be with a non-mahram alone. He has a family, wife and three children. Since the beginning of this year, we have only spoken a few times and I feel used and I am brokenhearted. I wish to die and commit suicide.
He introduced me to the islamic way of life and I love it. He says that we will marry, as a second wife of course. Allah knows best. I have been depressed lately and I have developed migraines, backache and insomnia. I don't know what to do! He does not want to let me go and insists that it will be official soon. He wont let me be since I already said if it is not halaal then I will not sink in sin with him. I have repented and I do not wish to continue in haraam. We love each other.
This situation is very stressful. My family keeps asking after him and I don't know where we stand at the moment.The only thing that lightens my day is reading the Quran. I want to be with him the right way and to practice islam. He makes me so happy yet he may be indecisive about when to perform nikkah. I love him and I really want to be with him.
Please help me because I feel like I am on a death bed. My days are very long and the nights unbearable. Please help before I do something stupid and lose it.
From Allah we all came and to Him we will return.
newgirl.
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Dear sister newgirl, As-salamu alaykum,
Alhamdulillah, it's a blessing that Allah has guided you to Islam. I want to remind you what Islam is fundamentally about, which is to love Allah more than you love the creation, to fear Allah more than you fear the creation, to seek Allah's pleasure, to obey Allah, and to be aware of Allah in all your actions.
By giving your feelings for this man so much power that you have made yourself sick, and you wish to commit suicide (a serious sin), you have essentially made him a god before Allah. You are more in thrall to this man, more attached to him, than you are to Allah.
Sister, this guy is not sincere or serious about you. Alhamdulillah, Allah used him as a medium to bring you to Islam. That was Allah's doing, not the man. Now the man's role in your life is ended. You need to cut of all contact with him, and let him become a part of your past.
I know that will not be easy. You have developed an unnatural and unlawful attraction to him. But it's something you have to do. In time your heart will heal, and you will find someone else who is prepared to commit to you properly.
Please also see our page, Suicide in Islam. It has a lot of good advice for your situation, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael
What a great response. Alhumdulillah! It touched my heart. Allah can take Shaytan's mischief and turn it into something that glorifies Him, like in this case where sister Newgirl has reverted. Alhumdulillah!
This web site glorifies Him in so many ways.
Alhamdulillah. Thanks for your comment.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brother!
Apologies on hijacking sister's post. But I have a question lingering in my mind for sometime now.
Agreed zina is a gross sin, but when it takes place under a promise of marriage, and (obviously) the zaani decides to "dump" the other, is he punished "more"? What's the justified justice wrt akhiraah?
Blackberry,
Everyone gets punished according to their own sin. Allah knows who He will forgive and who He will punish and how much. I am sure the one with a more malicious mind would be due more punishment, but at the same time, the one who fell for the promises of marriage cannot blame anyone but him/herself. All of us Muslims know full well that sexual relations before marriage are wrong. A promise of marriage should not make someone commit zina. If they do, they are giving in to their desires.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for the link brother Wael. That article got me in tears realising how much i am worth. Alhamdulilah..i am happy to be muslim.
Marshallah! give yourself a pat on the back!
Why do so many muslim women go after married men? Are there no single men out there. U knew he was married and still u spent so much time with him. Just bcoz a muslim man can take more than one wife doesnt mean tht women are free to go after him in such manner.
Im sorry but i feel disgusted by the men who spend time with other women while being married, and also by the women who spend time with married men.
Salaams,
I think you might be casting an interpretation on to this post. There is nothing in what she's written to indicate she went after him. It's entirely possible that he went after her, and there's enough posts on this site to substantiate that it happens all too often. If there is any fault to be found, it sounds like it may have been the man's because he continues to play with her affections and lead her on to believe that he still intends to marry her. According to her, he's the one that refuses to let her go and keeps renewing his vain promises.
I'm sure if you look through our archives, you will find plenty of posts where you can express this sentiment to women who are much more deserving of it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
She did know that he was married already. Then why spend so much time with him?
link the posts and i will paste it over there too.
Salaams, sister cherryberry,
For her to know he was married and still talk to him based on the idea that she was going to be his second wife is not haraam in and of itself. According to her post, once she realized she was going about that the wrong way by being alone together and wanted to do it the halal way by securing a marriage date, he started to falter. Based on that, there is really no room to say she was chasing him down. On the contrary, HE knew when he met her what the Islamic guidelines were about being alone, but went against them anyway, and continues to play games with her.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes sister Amy, i spoke to him and allowed him into my life based solely on the idea of getting married to him. From the turn out of events maybe it is the biggest blunder on my life. I would never agree to be a mistress by cheating with him.
you should of sent him to your wali if you were being serious.
Maybe its bcoz im born and raised in europe that i find these things odd. Here obviously such things r called cheating, and if a woman found out tht a man is already married she wud slap him in the face.
Ok sorry, maybe i have been being too harsh.
Wassalaam aleikum brothers and sisters,
Thank you for taking time to read and respond to my post. May you be blessed. It finds me in good health.
Just to make it clear to sister cherryberry, he pushed his way into my life making promises that he seems not to keep. My society and laws of the land allow for polygny. I have been brought up where courting before marriage is the norm. It is not right for you to make an assumption that i went after him instead it was the other way round.....every knock on my door was him, every call and text message on my phone was from him....he was everywhere and all over. Even though i tried to push him away, he always made more effort to be in my life. I thought if he is going through all that trouble then he really loves me. He said he wanted us to end up in marriage. I battled with the idea though i love him and want to be with him. I guess being human i fell for it.
I have since cut off all contact with him. It been a tough four weeks since i last spoke to him. Some days are good when i am happy and in control. Other days are difficult, it feels like am on a downward spiral and all i can do is cry and hurt and go through intense pain. In such times i have learnt that heartache is the most painful ordeal. I thank Allah(swt) for getting me through such days. I live alone. My friends are with me during the day but at night am alone...thats when it all comes back to me and i cry and pray that the pain goes away. Most of my friends and siblings come to me for advise and i cant even help myself out of my situation, how do i help them?? So i put up a facade for them. Everything i see, eat, watch on TV, read, laugh about reminds me of him...it hurts so bad. He owns a company...i see and use his products everyday, i ran into his employees when i go to the shops. They know me and ask why i dont go to the factory anymore. It is tougher than i thought it would be. I just pray that i wil get through this.
He lives thirty minutes away from me..sometimes am tempted to go there and try to make things right. I dont understand why and how it got so deeply embeded on me. Why does one make promises he wont keep? Why does one not tell the concerned parties when he thinks he wont be able to keep promises he made? Maybe its just me, but i was raised to let people know when you will or might fail them. This pain wont go away.
I now think i should go back to my parents house which is in another province..eight hours away from him. Though i have not told my family about the whole situation yet. I dont want them to hate him or see him in a different light...my mother loves him. I dont want to lie to her yet i feel like i should give him more time maybe two months to see if he will come after me. I dont even know how to go about this, i feel stupid... I hate that i am going through this.
I am hopeful that it will soon be over. I have faith that it will.
Quran sura 94: 5-6" so verily, with every difficulty, there is relief, verily, with every difficulty there is relief"
I make dua for my pain to be eased because i know when Allah wants to be good to some one, He tries him with hardship.
Anothet thing is that i am the only muslim in my family and among my friends. I dont know much on how to do salat, and make supplications...but i am happy that it is not having a negative effect in my imaan but its making it stronger since i spend alot of time research on islam.
I am sorry for the long post but i neede to vent it all out.
Be blessed.
Salams.
your going through pain imagine how much pain his wife is going through knowing that his been seeing you behind her back.
imagine how much pain his wife went through when she gave birth to three kids.
don't put another women's marriage in jeopardy just because of your twisted feelings towards him its only the shaytan whispers
Salam Newgirl,
Let go and move on. You deserve much better.
Salam
Lastly I just wanna say the pain that your feeling is probably guilt don't dwell on it.
I hope I have not offended you in my last post as that was not my intention sister I hope Allah gives you another man who loves and cares and appreciates you.
how can you trust a man who goes behind his wife's back and sins.
Thank you brother whitelaptop for responding,
I am very happy to be a muslimah. I am still human and with all due respect no one can tell another what to feel because feelings are somewhat unique to each soul. I may have gone about it the wrong way but I am pretty sure what i feel is pain and not guilt.
Another thing is that love is not interchangeable with trust. I love this man but i dont trust him from my experience of his chain of broken promises. Since i last updated on this post, alot has happened. Now am even more confused about the course of action to take. I am learning to live without him and mashAllah finding peace in Islam.I am trying to get over it all and it will take alot for him to have me in his life again if it has been decreed.
From my understanding of polygny(my maternal family has polgamous families), the relationship between a husband and his wives are not exactly alike. Wives may share a husband but the bond or tie between them and the man is totally different. My intentions were not to put his wife through any pain or discomfort.He has wronged his wife and Allah(swt), for that he will answer.
Salaam. Peace be with you.
Newgirl.
Salam newgirl,
I just like to say I hope you are feeling stronger and I pray Allah finds you the perfect partner and may you be happy, it upsets me when people quickly judge the situation, may be this guy and hes first wife do not get on and he really did love you but is scared of loosing hes kids or something similer. Its not your fault you did not choose to be part of hes life he came to you.
I pray things get better for you, with time inshallah you will find peace and inshallah a good partner who will give you the love that you deserve and keep all the promises he makes.
Allah hafiz take care x
Salam
Alhamdulilah, i am certainly better and stronger. I dont think of him as much as i did before.Maybe i think i am getting over him in little bits (slowly but surely). I busy myself with work, family and freinds.I moved back to my parents' house. I know that Allah will bless me with a pious, loving, caring man who will keep his promises.
Whatever his relationship with his wife, it is not in my place to get into it. I make dua for him to be a better man though.
Thank you all for assisting me through this. This virtual family is more than what i could imagine. XOXO.
alhamdullillah gud to here sis