Husband vs Parents; how to find my happiness again?
Dear Brothers/Sisters,
I am a married woman in my twenties and currently going through a very difficult period in my life. My husband and I had a love marriage with the agreement of our parents. Our parents had been good friends when we were young however over time they grew apart and moved to different cities. All these years later, me and my husband got in touch and found companionship in each other's views and decided to get married. Our parents agreed.
With the usual marital problems our wedding went through with bitter exchange of words between our parents on trivial matters like wedding venue, clothes, food, etc. Three years later, the situation where it stands is that neither of our parents meet each other.
It started with the bitterness on the wedding, however things went out of hand when deaths happened in our families and our parents didn't act in the right manner. First my uncle (mom's sister's husband) passed away and my husband's parents didn't visit my parents, only my husband's mother called my mother several days after the death. Then my husband's grandmother who had raised him passed away and similarly only my dad called his family, they did not visit them. Things happened on and off fueling the bitterness. Recently my parents took initiative and invited his parents over to their house, however when my dad had an illness recently, my husband's family called several times but didn't visit my parents. They had plans to visit however before they could they bumped into my parents at a dinner and didn't appreciate my mother's reserved behaviour with them. Since then they have not exchanged a word. My husband's parents still talk cordially to me and his mother often asks me about my parents. However, my mother has often been rude to my husband to the point that she has even told him we will leave your house if your parents visit at the same time.
My mother has over time developed a very strong negative feeling towards my husband. She is very strong headed and feels he is just like his parents. If my husband doesn't call them on their anniversary/birthdays but chooses to wish them via text message, my parents feel that is him disrespecting them. Recently when my dad had an illness, my husband took me over to their city the same day and stayed with us till night but then he had to leave due to work engagements. He came over day after and then day after. For my mother that wasn't enough and she told him openly is this how you would behave if your dad had this. On that my husband humbly said, "you can slap me if you like you're like my mother but don't feel so bad. That day he even stayed back in their city and had dinner with them when I was alone at home pregnant, just to make my parents happy." However, recently my mother told him off in front of a third party, saying "I don't like quiet people" when someone was complimenting my husband that he is quiet. Since then my husband has developed a grudge against my parents and feels very hurt. We have cut down meetings our parents because of all this bitterness.
We recently had a child and his parents travelled to see us and we met them every other day. I'm on good terms with his parents. However, neither parents exchanged congratulations or even met despite a grandchild coming in our marriage.
Some days, me and my husband feel really low and I wonder if this marriage will even last. At least I am still on good terms with his parents and we meet them every now and then. He has to deal with two stresses, one our parents not meeting and two my mom and dad who have now distanced themselves from him too upon my requesting them to be respectful of my husband. I, however, have to carry the burden of my parents disliking him, my husband disliking them and the parents not meeting. Due to all this, I have not even enjoyed my own pregnancy and motherhood. There's so much emotional stress in my life and that on days I find it hard to go on.
Now my parents live in the same country and insist on meeting us and our child. My husband wants to cut down the meetings drastically because he feels very hurt. My parents have always bought us houses, cars, house stuff without ever consulting with my husband and he feels disrespected. It has all surfaced now because before he was okay with it but since my mom's open rudeness, he can't tolerate it anymore. Recently my brother's fiance's dad passed away and my dad took a flight same day to go see her and her family. Obviously, I felt very hurt and I can imagine how my husband felt because my parents never carried the same principles when deaths happened in my husband's family. They chose to forget their values and mimic what my husband's parents were doing.
I feel all this has started to affect our married life. We are always fighting, arguing, tired of carrying these emotional burdens. I am in a very sensitive position and often react negatively when he even texts a female co-worker doubting him. I have lost faith in all relationships and feel sad that I can't share my husband and married life with my own parents. Should they not be happy that I'm happily married, they choose to overlook that and create more problems for me because their own criteria for a son-in-law is not being met.
My brother has gotten a divorce. He chooses not to blame my parents but it all started with his wife and my mother having conflicts.
I need advice on how to find my happiness again. I want to love my husband without feeling angry at him for hating my parents and I want to love my parents without them hating my husband. I feel stuck in the middle, and don't want my child growing up in this bitterness.
Adamheroy
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As Salamualaikum, sister Adamheroy,
I understand what you are feeling. To answer your question in one line, "why would you ruin your life with your husband, for pleasing someone else?"
Your immediate question maybe: someone else? They are my PARENTS.
I know they are you parents and Islam ordains high respect for parents, but for a woman, a husband takes the top priority. If anyone is more important to her after Allah and His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, it is him, the husband. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has said in a Hadith that if Sajadah was allowed for other than Allah, he would have asked women to prostrate (do sujood) to their husbands. Subhanallah! This is the position of your husband in your life. And this is not what I say. This position is given to him by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala.
There's no denial that you should respect your parents, but if they become an obstacle between you and your husband, then I think you should give priority to your husband over them, and assure your husband that you are with him.
I certainly respect your husband a lot for his fine behavior. Did he not try to convince your mother when she was angry with him? She instead insulted him. Being a man, I believe my reaction would have been the same as his. No man would like someone insulting him.
Are his parents not in good terms with you? Even they could have insulted you for retaliation of what their son faced.
And I personally do not see any benefit in him trying to talk to your parents again. Because he will further be insulted, and feel further bad, and your relationship will have more severe effects.
And no man would like gifts that would insult him indirectly. So, whenever you receive any gift from your parents, reject it saying your husband does not like these.
And just love your husband, respect him and give him what he deserves. And insha Allah, if you meet Allah when your husband is pleased with you, then Allah will also be Pleased with you, as a Hadith mentions.
My sister, respect your parents, but don't spoil your future because of them. And be good to your husband. Do not argue with him, but treat him with love and respect. Here's a an article which speaks about how you can please your husband. I hope you pay heed take maximum benefit out of it:
http://www.allaahuakbar.net/womens/how_to_make_your_husband_happy.htm
I know many people may not agree with my suggestion, but according to me, this is the most correct action.
And Allah Knows Best
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am sorry to hear what you are going through sister; hang in their and don't give up on your marriage please. As hard as it may be, this is a test for you from Allah (swt). You are lucky that you have a loving, caring, kind and understanding husband and in laws; who despite the behavior from your parents have not verbally or physically abused you or simply haven't stopped you from visiting you parents.
This website is full of cases where sisters are abused by their in laws and husband as well; don't listen to whispering of Shaytan. Try to go out with your husband, book holidays if you guys can afford to a nice place where you guys can unwind and are away from this toxic environment. While your husband has more rights on you; at the same time maintain your ties and respect for your parents. If they say harsh things about your husband and your husband is on that scene then remove yourself and your hubby and do not respond harshly to them or raise your voice. I am sure you husband will understand; make your house a paradise and appreciate your husband as much as possible for whatever he does. Tell him how lucky you are to have him, and how much he means to you and at the same time apologize for the behavior of your parents and request him to understand that they are old and may not understand.
Keep praying, make sadaqah, and do nafl ibadah especially in this month of Ramadan to not only have this situation solved in your best interest but to thank Allah (swt) for whatever HE has bestowed upon you in the form of family especially your husband. Believe in the power of dua as it is the tool of a believer and their is nothing more what Allah (swt) likes than having a servant who ask HIM for help.
May Allah (swt) melt your parent's heart; make your husband more understanding toward your situation and bring peace, harmony and love in your life. Amin
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Sister,
Mashallah...you did a wonderful job here expressing what is going on in your life and how it is affecting you and your husband. Why not make a point to go and sit down and talk with your parents? Tell them exactly what you have said here in your post. Let them know that their behavior is putting a strain on your marriage and it needs to stop. Let your mom know just how much you love her but if she can't say anything nice, she need say nothing at all. Let her know you aren't interested in hearing her negative comments whether they are to you or directed towards your husband. Your husband sounds like a fair man and this whole situation is stressing the both of you out and for what? Will she be happy when you end up divorced because your husband reaches his breaking point?
I think you need to stand your ground here and be firm with your parents on giving respect to your husband and his family. I believe if you can muster the courage and say what needs to be said to your parents, it will be a step in the right direction for all of you.
Salam
Salaams,
In addition to the above, which really addresses the core issue (your marriage and how it is being affected and what you should do to preserve it), I would suggest one more thing. As far as whether your parents and his parents get along or not, let that go. It's not your problem whether they are buddy-buddy or not, and it's not required that they be best of friends for you and your husband to have a fulfilling marriage. Only concern yourself with how you and your husband are being treated- especially how you are treating one another. As far as how your mom likes his mom and how his dad likes your dad, leave that for them to work out...or not work out. They are adults, and it's their choice who they are friends or close with. Just because you two are married doesn't mean they need to merge families and love each other to death, even if that's the way it was once upon a time. You don't need to worry about those aspects as you have enough to concern yourself with regarding the other advices given above.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor