My husband is messaging girls online asking to meet up with them
I have recently got married, married life was going well or so I thought. In the past few weeks I had noticed my husband spending long time on the internet and facebook which made me think something was not right. I accidently found out his password and logged into his account (I know its wrong but I just wanted to make sure) and my worst fears came true. He was in love with someone else before we got married.
He is not in contact with said person because apparently she cheated on him I can understand ones feeling and life before the marriage. These old messages were just the old messages to me. I understand he had a life before we got married and things between them didnt work out.
But the most devastating thing is that only after few months of marriage he is messaging different girls asking them if he can meet up with them. I dont think he has met up with them yet but he is thinking.
I don't know what to do. I feel lost and sick, I cannot confront him but its killing me inside.
I just hope you guys can give me little bit guidance on what to do.
-disturbed
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Sister disturbed
I would also be disturbed by such activities by my spouse. It is awful! Your husband is acting in a dispicable manner. The only saving grace in this situation is that although he has sinned greatly, is appears that Allah has protected him from meeting with any of these women yet. He can return to the halaal path amore easily and escape from the whispers of Shaytaan. But your husband must do this. You cannot do it for him.
He has violated a sacred trust between a husband and wife. You must decide how you wish to handle it. By asking for advice, I assume you are willing to remain his wife if he is able to purge these actions from his life from here forward.
There are several things that must be done. He must mend the trust between the two of you. He must stop messaging, emailing, chatting, and contacting women in any way. But most importantly, he must turn to Allah, beg for mercy for his haraam actions, and vow never to repeat them.
I doubt he will do these on his own, because Shaytaan has his ear. So you need to confront him about his actions.
You can do so as a loving wife. In my opinion, a loving wife must sometimes be harsh and firm when the situation calls for it, and this is such a situation. One thing you can try to do is keep on your spiritual path and act in a very halaal manner although your husband has not. Allah will be pleased if you can find a way to firmly, clearly, and forcefully demand that he stop all such activies immediately, yet also maintain your dignity as a Muslima.
It will certainly be understandable if you get angry, shout, yell, etc., and Allah knows your heart and will understand. But try your best to maintain your composure and dignity through this. I am not saying to give your husband undeserved comfort during this. I mean you should rise to a higher level of dignity. You can express your anger, your hurt, your feelings of betrayal. But maintain the focus on the haraam actions he has done.
If you have the strength, do not throw in other petty issues or concerns, because this could lead to a fight where he feels justified in bringing up other minor or petty issues, real or imagined, that you may have inadvertently done. This is a trick of Shaytaan to create an even larger divide between the two of you. Don't fall for it. Completely forcus on the haraam actions he has done in this specfic situation, and don't get distracted by other things. I call this arguing or fighting fairly. This makes the recovery after easier, and helps mending from the betrayal easier (although it will not be easy). It will also help you build the foundation for a stronger marriage long-term.
Additionally, if you act in such a manner, he may feel even worse about how he has acted, and may realize how fortunate he is to have such a fine Muslima as a wife. This will improve the marital bond and make it less likely for him to do this ever again.
My sister, never forget that Allah is with you, and remain close to Him in prayer. He will help you get through this. Allah knows your heart, and will reward you for your strength.
But, if in the end, he is unrepentant, you will know that you have done everything in your power to follow the path to please Allah. If he continues to act in such a manner, it is clear that he is unsuitable as a husband. Marriage is a key part of Islam, and you deserve a husband who is worthy of you. At that point, you must consider divorce, and ask Allah for guidance regarding this. But this is the last resort.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam,
Thankyou so much for your reply, but situation has got worst, I have found emails of him to escorts paying for their services.
I dont know what to do now, How to confront him, I am really in agony.
Sister
He appears to be very unworthy of you. Decide on a dignified course of action and pray istikhara to confirm it.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister
Sorry my earlier response was so short, it was from my mobile phone.
I know you are in agony. There are many ways to confront him.
One way would be to use the email you discovered. You could print it out, and set it on the table before a meal, or set in some place where he would see it. At the bottom, add a note in your own handwriting asking him to discuss it with you, or asking to separate or even divorce. The would allow you the time to carefully consider what you want to say and get it down on paper.
There are many other ways, too. Please do your best to be dignified. He is beneath you, and you should not allow him to bring you down to the gutter where he dwells.
Also, since you have evidence he has been unfaithful, you should also go to a doctor or clinic to check to make sure he has not passed on a sexually transmitted disease to you. I know this is unpleasant to consider, but you must care for yourself and your health, even during this time of agony.
I will offer a dua for you today. Insha'Allah, you will put this behind you. Allah is busy preparing the right man for you right now. The closer you get to Him in this time of need, the better you will feel.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sis,
show him with evidence what you have found. keep a copy of evidence for yourself. give a time limit i.e if he doesnt leave such activities straight away , he should leave home. tell him if he doesnt mend his ways , you will bring this up in a family meeting from both sides as you will be then seeing that whether he is worth spending life with or not.
be firm my sis. you will be emotional, but Allah is with you. get support ( sister or mom or aunt) who u can confide in. ofcourse we are all here as well.
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I am sorry to hear about your pain and I pray that Allah swt gives you patience and your husband the hadayat to come to the right path.
Firstly, like AmericanMuslim said, I highly urge you to go and get yourself medically checked for any sexually transmitted diseases. This may seem nerve wrecking but it’s very important for you to get yourself checked before the situation escalates and long term damage prevails. Also, it would be wise for you to not be sexually active with your husband during this time period because you may elevate the risk of receiving an STD if he’s recently engaged in illicit sexual activity with other women, especially escorts. You will not be denying his right Islamically since you are protecting your body and health, and that comes first.
Before I advise you regarding your marital situation, I want you to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive him? If not, then you have your answer which is that you end this marriage and move forward in life.
If however you want to forgive your husband and give this marriage another shot, you are going to have to speak up. He is behaving this way because of his assumption that you are naïve and submissive. He knows that he can do whatever he desires because he has a wife that is obedient, loyal, and trusts him. I am not suggesting that you start bashing him but I highly suggest you sit down and have a talk with him, with evidence. Do not discuss anything with him until you do not have the proof in front of you as it’s very common for people to deny the obvious and patch up their lies by either blaming the other person or just completely denying the facts. You let him know that you’ve been very patient with him and even let go of the fact that he had a past, but his behaviour in this marriage is despicable. Either he gets himself checked to ensure he doesn’t have any STDS, gives up these haram activities and starts manning up to his responsibilities as a husband or this marriage is over. He needs to decide for himself what is more important to him.
Lastly, I know that patience is key and I advise that you be patient but at the same time I want you to be firm on your standing. Don’t let him walk all over you. Give him a set time to change his ways or end this marriage and move on with your life. In this situation if a child is to come into the picture (assuming you do not have a child) you can but imagine what chaos that will create. Please do not make this mistake if this man does not change.
I know this is extremely hard for you and you find it even difficult to speak up to him but in circumstances such as these, it is your duty to protect yourself. You are not in the wrong for asking him to give up his haram lifestyle so exercise your right to stand up for the truth and for what is right.
-Helping Sister
Thankyou so much for your input and advice.
Yes I do want to make this marriage work, but key to that is him being honest. Allah has given me the courage to be patient and this strong for this long so there must be a reason.
I cannot live my life fearing what he is doing outside the home. I want to be able to trust my husband. I can take everything but there is one thing I will never ever stand for and that is being lied to. If he is not going to admit what he has done than he is not the man for me Is he?
The only thing I asked him in this relationship was to be Honest to me. I have very hard time trusting people and he knows that. I believe in forgiveness and second chances but one has to repent and be determine. If he is going to continue doing what he is doing then I am more than happy to leave.
Its his choice/his decision.
Sister,
Please get your health checked as mentioned above. This may be embarasing but it is very important.
Also, you are to be admired for your comitment to your marriage. Alhandulillah. You are acting to preserve this holy nikah. Just be sure you keep on your path and follow the will of Allah. Do make sure he does not continue to disrespect you.
Insha'Allah you will get through this and your husband will realize what a fine muslimah you are.
You know that no matter what he does, Allah will be with you. And your brothers and sisters will be here to support you.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Very nicely said...
Thankyou, I will go for a health check and yes its embaracing to even think about that, but Allah swt has put me thorough this and InshAllah he will me show and guide the way out of this. I am heartbroken and alone the person I trusted the most has betrayed my trust and in this darkest hour I am thankful for your help and advice. Your words mean more than you guys can imagine. Thankyou and May Allah give you reward for helping out a sister in despair. Ameen
Hi sister, I will keep this short. Leave. Run and never look back. Yes, allhamdulilah you are trying to make it work but men like that will never change ...he will only get better at hiding it.
Hi I'm also in similar situation as the sister nickname disturbed. Except that we are not married yet. I'm really confused now. We have been together for 5 years plus and he has been msging girls online asking them to come out for coffee or meetup. I didn't see any proof of him meeting up with the girls or pay for any escorts, but he has been like this throughout this 5 years plus. Initially he will still contact with his ex girlfriend who cheated on him before. But later few years, he just started msging new girls every now and then. His mum saw him with a girl having lunch together, initially I dismissed it. Things start to become clear when I saw his bank statement for a restaurant on the date his mum saw. He explained its just one of his old friend. I'm really tired of confronting or sounding out every time I realise this kind of things happen. He will stop these activities, and just when I thought everything is back to normal, I realise he starts doing it again. What should I do?
confused gal, be glad you're not married yet and break up with him.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You need to dump him and cut all contact to him. Not only is your relationship haram, because boyfriend/girlfriend relationships aren't allowed in Islam, but this guy is cheating on you and disrespecting you! There's nothing to be confused about at all, it's very clear: he's a swine! Get rid of him! Just because you haven't seen proof that he's met up with these girls and paid for escorts...you've seen proof that he's initiating those kinds of things - so most likely, he is meeting girls and paying for escort services. Why are you waiting for him to say, "sorry, been with other girls. Hope you'll forgive me."
Get rid of him.