Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is taking drugs, lying and not providing for us.

Salam everyone,

I have been married for 12 years with two kids. I have been happy in my marriage until now. Between the last few years my husband has not been employed after he sold his business. He lost a lot of money and was very depressed due to this. We are both working and have been for the last 12 years.

I have supported him in every aspect of his life, financially and emotionally. I have always said to think of my money as his money. I have helped his family numerous amounts of time with substancial amounts of money and also I have given him money to open his business and paid for all the household bills while he was setting himself up and when the business was making a loss. Basically I have not saved a penny of my money as all these years I have been paying all the household bills and supporting my husband and his family financially as I thought that was the right thing in order to be a good wife and daughter in law and also I love my husband very much and wanted to help him in any way I can. Now I feel that I have made the biggest mistake of my life by doing this.

My husband made losses in his businesses and borrowed money on interest to recoup the losses. I have also sinned and borrowed money to help him. We got into a lot of financial problems and in the end lost the business and owed a lot of money. He was not working for the last three years and I was paying off all the loans and the household bills. I did not pressure him much to get a job as I knew he was very depressed. I allowed him to take time to get a good job. Eventually when he did get a job as a self employed person he was not earning much. He kept making excuses as to why he wasn't making money and kept promising that things will get better. I am very eager to pay off his credit card bills as it has interest and we are comiting a grave sin. One year later we are still in the same situation he is working day and night and earning little or no money. I am having to pay for 90% of the bills.

Until now he has always been a kind loving and gentle person who is striving to be a good muslim. He always prays and read the quran and promises that he is striving to be a better muslim and stop stop haram things. I have been patient with him and believed him all this time and did not pressure him about the job. Recently I have noticed that he has become very angry and tired and does not pray all the time and stopped reading the quran. All he does is eat sleep and go to work.

We have no family life. I am stressed with doing all the housework looking after the kids and providing financially for the family. I have told him to leave this job and get another job so that he can have time to spend with his family. He argued with me that he will not leave this job even if he has to do long hours and earn peanuts! He has also insulted me and is blaming me for all his misfortunes even though I have given all my money to him! He has always praised me in the past and now he keeps finding faults in me.

I have got his parents and my parents involved but it has not changed anything. Recently I have found out that he is taking drugs, but I do not know to what extent. I have confronted him about it but he denies it. I am really distressed having to do both the husband and wife's role! I know islam teaches us to be patient. In this case am I supposed to keep paying the bills and wait for him to change? My family and friends are advising me to divorce him as he will never change but I don't want to break my marriage. I just want him to change and be a responsible father and husband as he was a few years ago.

I am always praying day and night that he comes to his senses and realizes his fault. I don't want my children to grow up without a father. I would be very grateful for any advice on this and the islamic ruling regarding this.

Thank you.

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6 Responses »

  1. AsSalamu'alaikum,

    Sister, this is indeed a pitiful state. First of all, you married him when he was Religious, then when Allah tested your family with the test of wealth, your husband slipped. In the process, even you have committed one of the major sins by borrowing on interest. The extent of this sin becomes evident when we know from a Hadeeth that the lowest level of Riba (Usury/Interest) is equal to 'a man committing Zina with his mother'. May Allah protect us and keep us away from this evil of interest. Your husband has started to take drugs. You should advise him to stop before it becomes an addiction. Stress is common, but despair from the Mercy of Allah is not the solution to it. Infact, Patience and Trust in Allah is. Try as hard as you can, to convince him to stop taking drugs and be patient.

    You did the right thing by supporting him, but he tool it for granted that you are there for the house.
    Regarding the interest money, see if you can avoid paying the interest money, chances of which are very low as we know that the World is hungry.

    If nothing works, then you may have to consider leaving his house and going to your parents' place, because you can not live with this sin. Regarding your children, wait for some time to see if he changes when he does not have the family to support him and be with him. If it does not work, then you may have to asking for a divorce. If you are worried about a father for your children, the know that the World is full of Allah's servants who are righteous. Look for one, and insha Allah, you'll be satisfied. In this way, you'll have a husband, your children will have a man to look up to.

    I found some perfect fatawa for your situation:

    I hope this was of some help
    May Allah bring peace and tranquility in your life

  2. salam sis,

    sorry 4 wht u going through...i admire the kind of wife u have been to this man n the wife u still are...yes like most good muslim women all u do when ur marriage faces trouble like that u just turn to Allah at the beginning for patience,strength n guidance...of course it won't br wise to leave at the start ...try to confront him again talk to him about all wht's bothering u n why is he doing this to ur relationship n the kids n that it's not worth it...maybe he needs help with the drugs,why doesn't he want to leave this job?

    i mean there is only 1 way to get out of ur problems and that is through to whether u have to or u obliged to pay the bills...HELL NO...he is the head of the family,he's a muslim n he knows exactly wht his role is providing for u n the kids...u being kind enough to do so bekoz u been doing it for a long time now shouldn't be a reason for u to carry on doing it while he's not earning no money n the small amount he gets he chooses to spend on drugs...i feel so sorry for u koz u don't deserve this being such a kind helpful understanding woman's not fair on u ...u gave him time ...u said 3 ys now since he lost his business...that is a long time for anybody to be stressed with all sorts of problems n to see ur marriage going down hill as u husband is on the wrong path....

    give him an ultimatum and if u see no change n he still denying everything u confront hi mabout u have every right to go to ur parents with ur kids ...maybe then it'll hit him n it's up to him then to change his ways n get back on the right path n start providing for all of u...or u can decide to leave him....

    all u have to tell urself is that ur a good muslim wife who stoof next to her husband when he ws in trouble,u helped with everything u could now that u've had enough he has to decide wht he wants for ur future n the kids' of course...
    good luck.

  3. Thank you brother and sister for your advice.

    Sorry I didn't get a chance to thank you earlier. Unfortunately things have gone from from bad to worse. When I gave him an ultimatum he just said ' if you don't like my ways then just leave me' n marry someone else'!. I still did not kick him out and tried to talk sense into him. In his mind he thinks that what he is doing is ok and I am wrong for arguing with him. He has left now for weeks and would not come home but at the same time would not divorce me. I am very upset with his behaviour and now feel that it is the end if the line and I cannot change him. The harder I try the more I push him away. The worst thing is in all this my kids are being effected. My oldest son knows what his father is doing to us and hates him now and doesn't want him to come back. What really hit me was that recently my son was so ill I needed to take him to hospital and kept calling my husband and text him, but he didn't come or even call to ask how he is!!. He doesn't care about his kids at all. If their father is going to be like this then its better they grow up without a father!. At the moment my parents and his are asking for an answer from him either to be a good islamic husband and father or divorce me. He will obviously go for the latter.! I doubt that I will ever get married again as after my experience I don't feel I can trust anyone and also no one will be willing to marry a divorcee with two kids and on top of that I have nothing to offer. I am neither attractive nor have a good personality and am a very quite and shy person. The worst thing in life I have feared was being lonely and that is exactly what I am getting. However inshallah in the remembrance of Allah and prayers I may be able to get over my pain and loneliness if Allah wills.

    Please remember me in you prayers.

    Thank you for your help.

    • Asalaam aalikum Sister Sumaira,

      Now is not the time to beat yourself up over what has happened. Instead, you must gain a clear picture of the steps needed to turn your life around. So you need to consult a financial counselor who can help you either rid yourself of the debt that is not your responsibility or to consolidate the debt that you have already. This can reduce your payments by negotiating with your creditors and make it easier upon you and your family.

      It's also important to not allow your children to hate their father. I know this is a difficult thing to do because your husband has abandoned you, but you must tell your children that your husband is morally unfit right now to be with you all and that Allah (swt) is protecting you from further harm. In the Qur'an, Allah (swt) had protected righteous women when they had no husbands like in the story of Maryam (sa), so teach your children that this is a part of Allah's Mercy (swt). Let them see the wisdom of Allah (swt) straightening the sustenance of His believers and learn to understand it, yourself. Much like Prophet Job (as) you have been afflicted and when faced with the heavy burden, your spouse has hurt you with their words, so he has been sent away. Yet, Job (as) was still remorseful for what had happened and pleaded to Allah (swt) not in anger, but in earnest heartfelt longing. So learn from this story, too.

      God forbid that drug abuse gets a hold of your husband for good. The effects on his sanity, health and his freedom are at stake. Allah (swt) only knows where he is at and what is happening through this time, so continue to pray for him. You do not have to tolerate this life of course, but make dua for your husband who you may still love. Drug abuse is tragic and a great sin and I would not wish it on any good person. May Allah (swt) save your husband from this self-inflicted calamity.

      Your life, if it continues with or without your husband, is under the protection of Allah (swt), so never short change, yourself. Attractiveness is truly based on piety and belief that Allah (swt) looks after you, so your beauty will be shown through in this way, when and if you ever decide to find another person to love. Often, when our hearts are broken, we are our own worst enemy because we despair too much. Yet on a world with over a billion Muslims, have of them the opposite sex, there is more than reason enough to keep your spirits high.

      I would like for you to acknowledge, that a great mistake that many women make during a crisis such as this, is to think lowly of themselves and/or to forget to take care of their self. It's important for you to still spend time with friends and family who boost your outlook on life, support you and love you dearly. Make time to visit them, have them over your house for dinners and allow your children to smile and have fun with good Muslim friends. Do not allow yourself to always be in the slumps, as you deserve to be happy.

      I also want to assure you, that there are plenty of good men who do marry divorcees with children who have little to offer financially, but in truth, have so much love and comfort to give in return. For right now, there may be a widower who is heartsick, wishing for a wife and children so much, that he looks upwards and asks Allah (swt) for a woman such as yourself. There may be a man who has suffered abandonment as well or a divorce that had felt his heart crushed and they look up and plead to Allah (swt) for a gentle, giving and loving woman. So the worst thing you can do is to turn your heart in a stone. The trial is thus, to keep your heart soft, your head smart and your will submissive to the plans of Allah (swt).

      Remember that Allah (swt) is more than we can ever imagine, fathom or have complete knowledge of Him. Therefore, we must also become more than we ever dreamed of and are currently, so to be those people who are worthy of such a Divine Creator of Abundant Love. Keep your heart pure and even more loving. Tell Allah (swt) that no man will ever cover the heart that He created and resides beating inside of you and if it so happens that you are granted another husband one day, that you will love that new man ever more, because he is a gift from Allah (swt).

      This is the way to show gratitude and ultimate submission to the Greatest Love, Him. For that will be your true success in this world and the hereafter.

  4. salam sis,

    u need to be strong now for ur kids , forget the past, don't be thinking in a negative way is not the time... and thk Allah He has found a way to get that man out of ur life n the kids lives too.....i know kids need a father in their life....but believe me a father as such is a disgrace ...yes don't encourage them to hate him or bad mouth him or...just allow them to express their feelings n don't block them...understand their disappointment n frustration jst like urs ...but allow ur family n friends n an other father like figure to be present in their life ( ur father,bro,uncle,cousin....)some1 they are close to koz especially if they're teens's not alwys mommy they want totalk to....

    anyways yes focus on paying ur debts,get him out of ur life....if he disappears for longer u need to file for divorce ...and be happy with ur family n friends....don't think there are no men who will want a divorcee with kids...sister just don't think about that now...focus on urself n ur kids n how to help them to get out of this with the least damage possible.

    gd luck


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