Losing hope whilst going through a divorce
It's hard to truly forgive him
Dear Brothers and sisters,
I am currently going through a divorce and am struggling with this trial in my life. I was born into a muslim family, however I was never truly practicing in any sense. In the last year since my struggles began, I have turned to Allah and I am closer to my deen than ever before. I understand that had it not been for this trial in my life, I would not have turned to Alla,h and this is perhaps a means of bringing me closer to Him. I am mindful of all that is said about trials, hope, despair and being grateful for one's blessings. I have read much on qadr, and I consistently remind myself that I must look at those who are in a worse position than me and not those above me.
I have been struggling with my deen more recently. Although I keep my namaz and make abundant dua, I feel that my hope in life is at an all time low. I fight with my naffs on a daily basis; however I fear that I have fallen into a pit of despair. I do not find the same solace in prayer, (Allah forgive me) but I find I have to force myself to kneel down and press my head upon the ground.
I know that Allah has made my heart, and He alone can mend it. I have found myself despairing of His mercy and his help. I am mindful that those before me have suffered worse, and we shall all be tested in this life. But I believe my mind and my heart is broken, and I am in a vicious cycle of hopelessness, anxiety and depression. Hamdullillah, Allah has blessed me in many ways which are countless, but I fear that I am so far gone that none of this has any effect or bearing on my heart. Verily with hardship there is ease. I make constant dua for that ease, and Allah in His kindness has shown me that in many ways, but the ease I seek is that of my mind and soul. I am yet to get over the pain, and I am at a loss as to what the solution is. I feel as though I am waiting for Him to save me, to heal me, to rescue me.
I have made much dua, as it is said that Allah will always answer the dua of the oppressed and Allah in His perfect knowledge will grant me justice. I ask no more and no less. At my lowest point I am angry with Him and angry with what has happened in my life, may Allah forgive me. I continue to sin, and I am a hypocrite in many ways, so I pray for His forgiveness.
With time I find my energy levels have feigned, and the face I put outwardly is a contrast to what I feel inside. I pray that He will give me something better to replace what I have lost, but in this midst of sadness I cannot see through the clouds. I am afraid that it is not in my qadr to marry and have children and a family of my own. I am in my 30's and I suspect that I have lost that chance, and this is the one thing in life which my heart desires.
I have in many ways given up hopes of having a family, and I struggle to accept that the pain I have been through is still very raw. Athough my anger and resentment have subsided, I am not in a good place. I have attempted to pray for goodness upon my ex despite the pain and wrongs I perceive that I have suffered, but I don’t believe I am able to do this whole heartedly. I have attempted to do so not for his benefit, but because it is a means of healing myself and because Allah loves those who forgive.
May Allah forgive me for anything wrong in what I have said.
Your sister in islam,
-Muslimah14
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Assalam alaikum Sister,
I am sorry for the pain that you are quietly suffering. I am sorry that you are stuck in this vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. It is always a good idea to speak to a health professional.
I don't want to take away the focus on you, but I would like to share with you my own journey with anxiety and depression. Because of a difficult childhood, I have had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. The only thing that has helped me manage it, has been developing a connection with Allah and accepting the reality of those things that are not in my power to change.
Developing a connection with Allah starts with intention and understanding that we are here on this earth for a purpose. Never belittle your existence by entertaining those thoughts that tell you that you are unimportant. Allah created you and this was not a coincidence--you have a purpose--and you have to recognize this.
As difficult as it may be during hardship and pain, find things to be grateful for. You can practically do this by helping those in need. Sometimes we can find peace when we reach out to those who are in greater need than us.
Never abandon your prayers. I can see that you are struggling with praying and that it is difficult for you--and despite that you are still doing your prayers. Maa shaa Allah. I must say that it was inspirational to read that even though you are struggling with your nafs, you overcame those feelings/whispers from shaitaan and you continue to prayer. shaitaan will do anything to prevent you from making sujood--so fight on sister, May Allah give you strength and determination in this difficult time, Ameen!
However you can keep busy do that. Try not to think too much and dwell on the pain and words of the past. And if you must sit still and are at a moment when you are doing nothing--then sit in the presence of Allah and speak with Him, He is listening: "Allah listens to the one who praises Him."
May Allah ease each and every difficulty of yours in ways you never imagined, Ameen.
Assalaamualaikam
I would agree with sister Saba that it might be helpful to speak with a professional about how you are feeling, as they may be able to help you find some support or therapies to help you.
One thing that struck me from your post is that through all of this, you still have admirable faith in Allah - Alhamdulillah. Even in such difficulties, you have faith, and that isn't something that everyone can do. Keep trusting in Allah that He has a plan for you, that will be best for you in this life and the next.
Regarding having a family and children, we can't say whether this will happen for you or not, but I can say that women in their 30s and 40s can and do marry and start families. Remember that surah Maryam tells us of Zakariya (peace be upon him) and his wife being blessed with a child despite their ages - if Allah wills something to be, it will be.
For now, though, focus on getting through this divorce, strengthening your connection with Allah, and healing from what you have gone through. I was moved to read that you are already making an effort to forgive your ex and wish him good - this is such a positive step towards your own healing and speaks well of your kind heart and good character. It can be hard for us to forgive those who have done wrong by us or hurt us, but with time, inshaAllah we can forgive and move on.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
my husband ask me to leave for very small reason just to remove me from the house he putted the wrong allegation on me and ask me to leave.he said me leave many times but i dint coz i love him a lot.he is not calling me at all im at my mothers place from 5 months not a single day i have not missed him.Many times for small mistakes he gets angry he hits me,uses very dirty vulgar language,abuse my parents,my brother,still i love him and put vulgar allegation that im linked with some guy.Actually i have a doubt he on his behaviour that he is having an affair but he doesnt want to disclosed to everyone and he wants everyone think wrong about me.i plead to him i said sorry many times though there was not my mistake allah knows better but he dint have pity on me.he said to his mother infront of me make the papers find out the procedure and his mother dint react at all when he said like this i was broked and he told me to leave.please pray for me that allah send him back to me i dnt want him to say sorry to me but he come and take me away with him with respect.i just want him to come back to me.Till now he is not done any legal work of papers nor sent to me anything and hope never he do.i dnt want to get seperate and i dnt want anyone in my life i cant think of anyone.i want my husband to be back.i love him a lot.please everyone pray for me.please tell me which dua or which surah i recite in namaz to get my husband back pls reply Allahafiz.
gulafroz, why would you want such an awful, abusive man back in your life? Let him go and count your blessings. Ask Allah to give you someone better who will treat you with love and kindness.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sister, I am going through something similar. My husband is a recurrent liar, and each time I challenged him he would put the blame on me and make me look like the guilty one. Ultimately I accidentally read some messages in his phone which showed he had relations with another woman. His mother treated me with alot of disrespect , and similarly to you she was very encouraging about the divorce, awful woman. Instead of apologising and making amends my hduband ran away, switxhed off his phone and told me he is divorcing me.
I was upset initially and left a millions voicemails asking him to rerun, talk things through make amends Etc. but I soon realised that I was not the one in the wrong it's him, so why should I chase after him. I realised it was a blessing in disguise, good riddance to him.
Sister ur husband sounds like an awful man, just like mine. Count your blessings and move on, get your life back on track and think about your future. You have lost nothing!!
Turn to Allah, He will make it easy for you. Realise your self worth, move on and start building your life. Keep urself busy and turn to ur family for support. Seek counselling if needed. Forget him, he's not worth the heartache.
May Allah make it easy for us both, and bless us with husbands who love and care for us, ameen.
Thankyou sam for your reply.
Assalaamualaikam
Wael,thanx for your reply,i just dont know what to do,coz i dont want to
ask for divorce he wants to give divorce but he still not doing any procedure so im confused what
actually he is up to.he asked his mother to make papers and start the legal procedure but still they have not done anything so i dont feel seperated from him. if he said to leave the house,then why he is not doing any procedure till the time he will not contact me and talk to me i dnt know whats going in his mind.I use whattsapp recently he saw me im there in whattsapp he blocked me.aftersome time he unblocked me.so i dont kow what he is upto.now yesterday i removed him from my contact so he cant see my status,my picture,and my last seen updates.same i did to him just to see how he respond when he is not able to see my profile on whatssapp.u please keep in touch wid me thers no one wid whom i can share such thing coz thanx for ur reply i feel better and pray for me.
Assalamualaykum sister
May Allah guide you and help you through this difficulty. Keep strong, have faith and pray to Allah.
Did you know this man well before you married him? He is disrespecting you by abusing you this much. You deserve good, and he is taking advantage of your good nature. He does not seem to be mature enough to handle being married to you.
Read the book Duas for the Contentment of the heart. Every night. It helps a lot. Make lots of zikr and taubah. Remember that Allah only gives us burdens that He knows we can handle. Big tests are for strong Muslim soldiers, like you.
Only a love that leads to Allah is a heartfelt and pure love, and any love that leads away from his love is not.
Make dua for yourself and your husband and ask Allah to help you make the right decision that will be good for you on this world and the Hereafter.
"And seek help in patience and prayer, even though it is difficult"
May Allah guide you and give you strength and patience my dear sister
Wassalaams
Assalamoilekum
thankyou so much for your reply,
i know him before marriage but he treated me like a princess
before marriage,but after marriage he and his family treated me like a servant
they speak to me only when they have work.I am from a very middle class family
we stay on rent they are very rich people just because he loves me and wanted to marry me
his mother agreed but she dint accepted me for im not of their status slowly my husband also dint support
me he is very mamas boy my mother in law hates me and whatever his mother says to him he believes her.she lies to his son that i misbehave with her and he believes and hates me he never ask me that have u said have u did.day by day this was happening and day by day he is starting hating me i never told that his mother everyday torchers me mentally in his absence i never complaint about his mother to him coz he never believes that his mother can do something like this and torchers me.his mother is hajji so he believes my mother can never hurt someone and cant do wrong with me.he never listen to me.Now i am at my mothers house i am working as a front desk executive in a dental clinic.before marriage also i had worked for 9 years.My husband is fully dependent on his mothers expenses he doesnt wants to earn and do job.all his expenses his mother fullfills in three years of my marriage i only gets three times a meal and one dress on eid like a servant and nothing they gave me.my mother used to give me mt expenses.Once i told my husband your shop is in loss and your mom wants the shop back so u see for the job he said if u said again for the job u leave the house from there onwards i never told him about the job.coz i dint wanted to leave him.i know he is not earning i never demanded for anything from him i always support him though he was finanacially so weak.but still he left me and asked me to leave forced me to leave putting wrong allegations on me.pray for me
recite this dua
innaalillahi wainna ilaihi raajiuoon Allahumma ajirni fee museebathi wahlufli
hairam minhaa
Allah will give a better situation then your past he knows everything.
and also pray thahajjath prayer and make dua in the sujood
most cliser time is thahajjath and also sujood.Allah definitely help you in sha Allah
wassalam.
Assalamu alaikum dear sister,
May Allah grant you a marital life in which you will find things far more better than the previous life both in dhuniya and the Hereafter. I read your post completely. In that post you have said you are losing hope and also you are in line with spiritual soul.
I am sorry to ask, but if you don't mind would you please give me the reason for what you both were separated. Because, i think , at the least i could give you some remedial measures.
Salaam brother saj.
Thank you for your response. In a nut shell his family were opposed to the marriage from the start which caused much tension, this rumbled on in one way or another. I believe under the guise of wanting the best for him their intentions were not great, he was also weak and did not behave well either. I accept my part in this relationship and my wrongs, but as cliche as this sounds there was much bitching as expected from a family of predominantly females. I cannot hold them entirely to blame as this was a relationship between me and my ex husband, but suffice to say he was not supportive in any manner. I believe some men believe if they work and earn a living their duty as a husband ends there. He was demanding and a 'taker' but would give little in return- this ultimately was the downfall in my eyes.
The lead up to the marriage was traumatic for me given the problems we incurred and the marriage itself was also fraught and full of tension. I don't believe he is a bad person, but I don't think he knew how to be other then he was.
I do hold much resentment towards the mother and sisters as they would not put up with the same behaviour for their own daughters. I find it sad that women can do so to other women, we are all somebody's mother, sister or
daughter. The pain we inflict on others can scar and be detrimental in many ways.
Salam it's comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this awful situation. My
Husbands family were also opposed to the marriage something I didn't realise until a good few months into the marriage. My husband was also weak, and would never stand up for me or even himself, he was a puppet.
I tolerated alot of grief from my mother in law for him, but he ultimately decided to leave me based on the advice of his awful mum. Although he is living away and is barely in touch with me, he stil sends me
Emotional texts for closure, as he is in conflict with himself, he knows that he is losing something good but is to weak to stand up to his mum!
May Allah swt help all women and men who are in a similar situation, and may He shower HIs blessings on us, and give us patience, ameen
I think what you are experiencing is normal in the circumstances. We all go through periods of despair. I can recall a few instances where my mother has commented to me that I am "fighting" with God. After a lot of reflection, I realized that my expectations were misplaced. We get what is written for us in this life, and no amount if dua will change that. I had to learn not to hold on to a particular outcome from my dua, because the Hadith is very clear -- we get what we pray for, we get something better, or a calamity is averted in place of the dua being answered. Of those 3 possibilities, we have no control over which will be granted.
There is no timeline for healing. It may take a few months, it may take years. Keep making dua for that to happen but remember that Allah SWT has His own timetable.
Eventually your anger and despair will diminish, and you will see opportunities for life involvement in other areas besides marriage and motherhood. Not everyone is destined to live a white picket life. Did you know 50% of women over the age of 32 in Saudi Arabia are unmarried? Imagine how tough it is then to find a husband if you live in a non-Muslim country. You may be open to marrying someone from another country and facilitating their immigration to your country, or, perhaps a much older man is available (both scenarios have their drawbacks, I'm sure you can imagine, such as early widowhood and problems with assimilation).
You haven't mentioned whether you work, or study, or pursue other interests. This would be a great time to delve more deeply into those arenas. No children -- so volunteer with children! Or volunteer with the elderly -- trust me, they can be just like children!
You are doing all the right things and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Sometimes accepting "what is" is the first step towards true healing. Your husband was unkind, and your marriage did not work out. You need to accept that that is what was written for you in regards to this husband. I know people who did wonderful things with their lives after their divorce. Your husband is now irrelevant -- think how liberating that is for you emotionally.
Assalmoilekum,
i want to know can my husband marry other woman without divorcing me.i am a victim of domestic violence
and my husband and removed me from the house im at my mothers place from 6 months.people says he can marry other woman coz islam allows.A husband removes the wife from home torture her raise hands even in-laws do mentally torture and can marry leaving the wife i dont think islam allows to behave like this with wife.reply please if he can marry leaving me like this nor divorced me.
Assalmoilekum,
i want to know can my husband marry other woman without divorcing me.i am a victim of domestic violence
and my husband and removed me from the house im at my mothers place from 6 months.people says he can marry other woman coz islam allows.A husband removes the wife from home torture her raise hands even in-laws do mentally torture and can marry leaving the wife i dont think islam allows to behave like this with wife.reply please if he can marry leaving me like this nor divorced me.
Reply
Assalaamualaikam
While a Muslim man is permitted to have more than one wife, there are certain requirements which he must fulfil, one of which is to treat his wives justly and with equal rights.
But given what your husband has done to you, you have more than enough reason to consider starting divorce proceedings yourself.
There is never an excuse for domestic abuse - be it emotional or physical or both. He has no Islamic right to have treated you in this way. If you are in a place where it is safe to do so, have you considered reporting him to the authorities? Abusive partners tend to continue to be abusive in other relationships, so this may be a pattern of violence that you can help to end?
Ask Allah to bring you a husband who will treat you with respect and act according to Islam.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalamoilekum,
My husband wants to divorce me he doesnt wants me at all he spoke to my aunty
all though its not my fault putting wrong allegations and making everyone believe that she spoke
to me very harsh sentence but i dint i swear on allah i dint he lieng to everyone.i dont want divorce he is not ready to listen i dont want her he is saying i want to change his mind tell me some wazifa any strong dua so he change his mind towards me n dont file the divorce.......help me please i love him a lot i dint said any harsh sentence to him still i said so sorry so many times but he doesnt wants to listen at all......He is sending me divorce notice through court is divorce is valid through court procedure.
Allahahfiz
Sister, your husband sounds like an awful man. I know it's difficult to go through divorce or to let go of a marriage, but you need to realise your self worth. If he is abusing you, why would you want to stay with him? Put your emotions aside and think logically, is there anything redeemable about him? If you think there is and you can see a future with him, ie you can trust him, and that he'll be a good husband and father etc then organise a meeting where you can talk to him and try to find solutions. Before you do that you need to be strong within yourself so you can have an effective discussion. But if he's not willing to change and has been emotionally or physically abusive towards you then consider this a blessing in disguise!! Good riddance!!
I know how difficult it is, I have been through something similar. And I was like you, despite everything he put me through, I was trying to make things work. For eight months I have been trying to hold onto a marriage that had probably ended in the first few months of being married. But all that happened was that i ended up showing him how weak I am and how much I love him, and he used this against me to play with my mind and break me compelty. He kept me in limbo for 8 months and you know what he did in the end? He left me in the mess created by him and he disappeared off on holiday most likely with another woman. Now I can't get hold of him to file for divorce and it's made the procedure more complicated.
My advice would be to leave him, if he says he's filing for divorce then let him. Don't show him your weaknesses. Perform istikhara and pray Allah makes it easy for you. Let Allah guide you and don't ignore the signs He is showing you. Don't waste your time over someone who is not respecting you. Move on and maintain your dignity.