Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it mandatory to get married in Islam?




Is it mandatory to get married in Islam? Actually a few years back, I fell in love with a girl. Since I belong to a religious family, I did what our religion asks us to, and I told my parents and they approached her parents. Since I am, ummm... ugly, and belong to a poor family, she obviously refused (the only thing I have is a strong moral character, and nobody cares about that; or my sound educational background as I am an engineer Alhamdu Lillah ).

After that, my parents tried many times to find me a  girl,  but the outcome was the same (Hell, if I were a girl, I would not marry me and have an ugly, poor husband lol). The problem is that now I don't want to marry- the reasons being that I don't want to be insulted again and I still love the same girl. I don't feel the same way about anyone else and I kinda hate girls now; I don't want any of them now. My parents want to, but I don't,  so does this make me a non-muslim according to this Hadees: ‘Nikah is from Sunna. So whosoever turns away from my Sunna, then he is not from me’? Please don't give me a false hope like "someone, somewhere is meant for me", because I am done believing in lies. And even if it is true, ummmm ..... I don't want her.


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35 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I've never heard a scholar say that someone who doesn't marry becomes a non-muslim. That person may have weak faith, or miss out on some of the barakah of marriage, but I've never heard it as something that would put one outside of the fold of Islam altogether.

    I understand your reluctance to try again for marriage. If you don't feel like looking for another girl right now, then don't. If you need more time to get over the one you cared about, take it. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's better to feel ready and motivated to be in a relationship than to enter one prematurely and have it turn out mediocre because you weren't in a place to fully emotionally commit. I suspect that if enough time goes by, your wounds will heal and you will feel more open to exploring that option, without fearing rejection as you do now.

    And for the record, it's been my observation that women are much more open to marrying someone with a good character and nothing else going for them, than men are (toward women). I've found that men look first for beauty and youth, whereas women can more easily fall in love with who a person is and accept however they look after. And even though you don't have much money now, your education will lend toward a promising career, in shaa Allah, which will also make you a more viable candidate.

    Don't despair. I think you're probably just starting out in life, and there's a whole road of options ahead of you. Take your time, and do what feels true to you without worrying what others think or want from you. Your life is your own, and Allah has a plan for you that will bring peace and contentment in shaa Allah. Staying on the path to pleasing Him first is the key to finding it.

    -Amy Editor

    • Assalamwalaikum,

      I agree to much of what you said. However, there are good men and good women, as well as bad men and bad women. I doubt there is any valid evidence to say that men are more inclined towards beauty and youth in women over character/morals and I also doubt there is any valid evidence to say that women easily accept a person with good character/morals over handsomeness/money. It is very speculative.

      Allah says in the Qur'an, Chapter 24 (Surah Al Nur), Verse #26:

      "Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women), such (good people) are innocent of (each and every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and Rizqun Karim (generous provision i.e.Paradise)" ~ cf. translation of Muhsin Khan

      Alhamdulillah, you seem like a very modest man. Actually, this is the first post I have read (I have not come across others) on this site where I find that a man has taken the halal means to keep himself modest. In a perspective, you are being unfair to modest women that might be genuinely interested in you... in your character/moral rather than your looks/education/money. However, it is understandable that given some recent disapprovals you feel less confident in yourself. My dear brother, please work on improving your self-perception. Your self-worth is not in your looks and if people reject you because of how you look, those people do not know your worth and thereby will not treat you worthy. Would you want to spend your life with a person that does not value your companionship over a person that truly respects you and treats you equally and would also be a loyal companion by your side?

      My advice is to keep yourself safe from falling into the fitnah of women. Please do not misunderstand me here, I am not saying that women are bad. It is not fard to get married, it is a sunnah, a heavily emphasized/recommended sunnah. It is definitely better to get married. From the perspective of a man, the temptation of women are great. It has also been narrated in an authentic hadith that Allah's Last Messenger (PBUH) said:

      "I have not left behind me any fitnah (temptation) more harmful to men than women." ~ cf. Bukhari (5096)

      Masha-Allah, you are an engineer! Learn to engineer your perceptions and emotions, such that you can discard those people who do not value you, but that does not mean you become ruthless or inhumane towards others. It means that you do not let the perceptions of others devalue you. So, take your time to heal, to improve yourself emotionally and later on when you feel ready... consider a pious sister who values you and with whom you and your future-wife could draw near to Allah, insha-Allah.

      May Allah heal our hearts, give us a strong sense of identity and purpose and make our struggles easier, Ameen! 🙂

      • Salaams,

        Just to clarify, what I said wasn't meant to be taken as objective truth. It's my experience only, and that's all I meant by it. I don't know what the evidence would show, if there were a way to even measure. I'm sure it would look different from culture to culture, age group to age group, etc.

        But in my limited interactions with men and women, what I mentioned is what I have seen. Not in every case, but in more than others.

        -Amy Editor

        • Walaikumassalam,

          I do respect your observation and experience sister Amy. 🙂 I understand it was not an objective truth you mentioned, but it was empirical (something observed by you based on your interactions). You are right that, it would be different from one culture to another, one age group to another, one time to another, etc. there really isn't any solid measure to state an objective truth in this context, only empirical. There is either one extreme or another based on observation/experience. I do understand that you did not mean absoluteness, but you do find some cases to be more than in others based on your interactions which is fair enough.

          My argument here was that... would it not be better that our perceptions are formed from beyond the limited interactions we have in such contexts as Islam encourages to have a balanced view when faced with two opposite extremes or gray areas of life.

          It was narrated by An-Nu'man bin Bashir that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:

          "Both legal and illegal things are evident but in between them there are doubtful (suspicious) things and most of the people have no knowledge about them. So whoever saves himself from these suspicious things saves his religion and his honor. And whoever indulges in these suspicious things is like a shepherd who grazes (his animals) near the Hima (private pasture) of someone else and at any moment he is liable to get in it. (O people!) Beware! Every king has a Hima and the Hima of Allah on the earth is His illegal (forbidden) things. Beware! There is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good (reformed) the whole body becomes good but if it gets spoilt the whole body gets spoilt and that is the heart."
          ~ Sahih Bukhari (Vol. 1, Book 2, #49)

          • Salaams,

            It's funny you should mention that hadith, as it is one of Imam Nawawi's 40 hadith which I recently obtained Ijaza on. That hadith is actually talking about how to determine which actions to indulge in or not. Actions that are doubtful should be forgone. This does not apply to how one formulates their opinion on a social matter, although I do understand where you're coming from otherwise.


        • Masha-Allah, I am really glad to know that you have obtained an ijaza on this hadith. 🙂 I am just a person who reads books, but you are a seeker of knowledge, Masha-Allah! 🙂

          Perhaps, I am rather foolish in that I tend to not formulate any opinion and reserve judgment untill I have valid evidences, and maybe, I can benefit from your ijaza. I do apologize, I don't wish to put the OP question aside and start a discussion off-topic. But, I'd really like to clarify if I am in a misconception. So, I would really like to know, what this hadith tells about from the mind of a recently qualified student?

          Basically, I am confused when you say that,

          "That hadith is actually talking about how to determine which actions to indulge in or not. Actions that are doubtful should be forgone. This does not apply to how one formulates their opinion on a social matter."

          I do understand the first part, that it is talking about deeds/action rather than opinions. But isn't formulating opinions that are empirical a kind of an action in itself. So, what is the Islamic view on formulating opinions on social matters about which there isn't substantial evidence or even guidelines? Have I misunderstood the hadith?

          • Salaams,

            You asked, "isn't formulating opinions that are empirical a kind of an action in itself. So, what is the Islamic view on formulating opinions on social matters about which there isn't substantial evidence or even guidelines?"

            I think the first error you are making is to equate a thought with an action. Thoughts are not the same as actions, and cannot be classified as one. Even in Islam, we are told that on the day of Judgement we will be accountable for ALL our actions, but we are not accountable for what we think. Even if we have sinful thoughts, we are not punished for them if we do not act on them. In fact, we are rewarded. So if Allah treats them as separate entities, we should as well.

            The second issue is that you are talking about 'empirical' opinions. For something to be empirical, (which is actually a scientific term), it has to be objectively measurable. Since we are talking about opinions on social behavior, we would have to reference social science. Researchers observe social behaviors to quantify trends of every sort. What every good researcher will tell you, though, is two cardinal rules of their work:

            1. Correlation does not prove causation.


            2. Every correlary is subject to error.

            What the first means is that even if two things are closely associated, it doesn't mean that one causes the other. For example, if an observer were to note that every time an ugly man (let's just say for the sake of argument the definition of ugly was established and controlled for) approached a woman for a phone number, she declined. This may happen 10 out of 10 times, but we still cannot say that his appearance was the reason. We just say that the frequency of this occuring is statistically significant.

            In the second rule, error doesn't mean something being incorrect. What it means is that there is an exception to every thing observed. So for those 10 occurances where the man was rejected, the 11th might be different. There is always going to be the possibility of a deviation when it comes to human behavior.

            For that reason, it's impossible to form an "empirical" opinion about what others do or what one observes in social interation. There will always be the caveat of error, the exception. So in the scheme of things, forming opinions of any sort is going to be relevant somewhere.

            When it comes to Islam, there is no precedent that I'm aware of that dictates how a Muslim should view or form opinions on social aspects. There are guidelines on how to interact socially, but not how to think. I don't have formal authorization to speak on anything else except those 40 hadith with any type of authority, but I can say for myself I try to take the general approach that scholars have referred to when dissecting matters of practice, which is simply:

            When it comes to religion, do nothing except what was commanded.
            When it comes to the dunya, do anything except what was forbidden.

            So for me, unless a certain type of thought was spoken against (such as lustful ones, as they lead to sinful action), all types of thoughts and deductions are allowed. Ultimately everyone is going to formulate ideas about the world and others based on their subjective experience, and that cannot be escaped. The most sincere and humble among us know this, and are willing to concede that other subjective experiences are also of value, even if they are different from our own. It doesn't mean we all have to share the same view or position (on wordly matters), that would be impossible and rob us of our unique individuality.


        • Well said! I couldn't agree more.

    • @amy
      asala-mu-alaikum dear sister

      jazakullah for sharing your thoughts ......

      actually my mom wants me to get married,(my father died an year ago , he tried many times to find me a girl, but the outcome was the same) nd according to my mum since he wanted me to get married as soon as possible + i want to see my grandchildren........... so you should get married right now ....

      lol she is so crazy about it once when a professor invited me to a dinner (i was his research assistant ) my mom was with me nd she started asking
      how many daughters do you have??
      are they married ???
      would you like one of em to marry my son ????

      yes, i am just starting out in life ,,,,,, being the only son of my family(I've no brother) i was raised with special care , it was just school/college/Uni to home for me .... now that i m facing practical life , i am realizing those ideals i usually saw at t.v(honest guys always win, character is always preferred blah blah ...) doesn't exist in real life , i was so sure when i sent my parents to that gal's house i liked , i was like hey im well educated/honest/hard working, hell i dun even talk to girls even when i need help (my class mates used to call me "bride" ) , there is no way she is going to say no to me ......
      lol , seriously its a jungle out here..............

      and yes my Allah sweet has already compensated for me ,
      I've been hired by an oil company in a corrosion department, I am hundreds of miles away in a dessert with my crew , nd i am supposed to stay here for 7months before i go on holidays back home ..... i eat , i pray , i work , i sleep, i get paid i send money back home to mum .... no population here so its quite nd calm in here ..........

      nd since my mom cant reach me here to ask me to get married , em doin greattttt ............. (though i miss my mum , dad nd that gal too for some strange reason i dun know )

      alhumdu lillah i m at peace now.......................

  2. Assalaamualaikum,

    Marriage is a Sunnah of the Prophet (saws). It is a means to fulfil your desires in a halal way and to have children and thus increase the Ummah of our beloved Prophet (saws).
    The fact that you are in love with some girl which means you have all the normal feelings of desire that a man has. So you are just losing hope and faith of ever getting married because you say you are ugly and poor. But losing hope in Allah's mercy and help is kufr or disbelief. DO NOT stop making dua for changing your condition and DO NOT lose hope in Allah's mercy.
    "And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided." - Surah Al Baqara, Ayat 186
    "So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me.
    O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient." -Surah Al Baqara, Ayat 152- 153
    If you say you are poor and do not have the means to marry then it is recommended that you fast.

    May Allah help ALL of us and ease our misery.

  3. no its not necessary to get married. i've looked into this years ago as I have a similar issue. If you don't want to get married no one can coerce you. You're not impelled to get married. Just as long as you keep yourself to yourself for the rest of your life. No one can accuse you of having weak faith either.

    I understand the whole thing about not being good looking enough. What can I say my brother. just be patient and spend your life alone. It's the only answer to this kind of problem im afraid. Eventually you'll become accustomed to your own company so much that you'll feel uncomfortable in the presence of others. You'll be ok in sha Allah.

  4. Salam brother,

    I think you need time to heal from your love interest. You still haven't gotten over her. Marriage is not fard, but this is the only way you can have a halal relationship with a girl and have children. Later on you may desire a phisical relationship then you will want to get married. At the moment it is your hatred talking because you are losing hope in finding a spouce, so you decide to completely shut marriage out from your life.

    One thing that I have noticed. It may or may not be true in your case. Apologies if I have made false assumptions. Men always tend to look for a preety face in a wife. It makes sense if a man is really good looking and seeks a good looking wife. But what I don't understand is if a man is not that attractive why does he still look for a drop dead gorgeous wife?? So then who should marry the in unattractive girls?? If all men want preety wives! I mean women have desires too. A preety looking women would also want someone who satisfies her with his phisical appearance too. Its completely fair to seek someone compatible in terms of personality and Looks.

    Just as you say you have a good moral character which is very important. Much more then money and looks. Beauty is only skin deep just to satisfy human beings. Allah does not judge is by our looks. Why don't you seek a women who has a beautiful moral character.

    Why not look for someone less attractive but who is compatible with you in terms of character, deen and personality. You should marry the pius one and then you will be successful in this life and the next.

    I am sure if you keep your options open you will definitly find someone. And remember don't let anyone insult you about your looks or wealth. We are all Allah's creation. We are beautiful. Money is here today gone tomorrow. Our rizq is in Allah's hand. If you look for someone compatible with you then I don't see any reason why she should reject you, as she will be the same as you and may have been rejected by others because of her looks. You could also look for a poor girl. Then she will not expect a rich husband. As long as you can feed her and provide clothing and shelter that should be ok.

    Sometimes we are too fussy in our criteria for a spouce. Then we complain we can't find anyone.

    I pray you find a pius muslima soon Insha Allah.

  5. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I found your question rather interesting because it seems as though you have taken a decision to not marry, but want to make sure--am I right? From your first paragraph, you shared with us that you sent a proposal to the girl's family and she rejected. How do you know why she rejected your proposal? How do you know it was because you are not good-looking or that it was because you are poor? You said yourself that no one knows about your character or education, so how can you know of the reason she rejected you?

    I am firm believer in doing our best to avoid generalizations (even though I find this very challenging at times because of life experiences), but I know that individuals become lost in them. I don't think you should decide on hating or disliking females because of a few bad experiences.

    It seems to me that you are not against marriage, but the process has discouraged and hurt you. Remember that shaitaan is our clear enemy and that he hates for us to do what is halal for us and loves for us to do haram. his waswasa's never stop and if we are not careful about our thoughts, he does his best to destroy us at the very beginning. Without a doubt, each one of us has our own struggle and trial in this life - perhaps this is yours.

    Rather than worrying about marriage, I would suggest first reflect on how you think. It is clear from your post that your negative experience has left you will ill-feelings towards women, and this isn't healthy. My personal opinion is that this is a distraction from focusing on your seen, thinking good in your fellow Muslims, not giving up on something that could be a wonderful experience. Why would this life be a test if there was no challenge in it? Of course we face obstacles in pursuing halal and avoiding haram - but we do it because we are servants of Allah.

    From what you have written, it doesn't seem to me that you are alright with not marrying (otherwise you wouldn't be asking)--as I said before, I think the process has proved to be challenging. To be honest, given your description of yourself, I know that there are girls who would be happy to find such a life partner--but many of them also feel the same way--that no one wants to marry them.

    I hope you find peace in whatever you choose, but I also hope that do not feel hopeless or hatred because of a select few. May Allah ease your difficulties, help you to find your solution and grant you happiness, Ameen.

    • Assalam alaikum Brother,

      I just read this and felt that it benefited my spiritual state - I hope it does the same for you too, inn shaa Allah.

      When Allah granted prophet Yusuf (alayhi salaam)physical beauty it caused him to be locked up in the prison; but when Allah granted him knowledge, it not only took him out of prison, but elevated his rank in society, clearly showing us the virtue of knowledge and that physical beauty does not mean anything!
      SubhanAllah may we all take heed.
      -Umm Ayman

  6. Assalamu Alikum!

    You know what's funny? People take one look at me, and think I must be stuck up, rude, and probably been with a hundred guys all because they find me somewhat pretty.
    When the truth is, non of that is true. I don't talk to a single guy, and I hate even the thought of treating people badly.
    But all because of what I look like, I don't usually get treated kindly.
    I made a promise to myself never to get married because I'm afraid of the same thing; no one will care about who I am on the inside, they'll just judge me for what Allah put on the outside, which I don't even have any control over.

    But brother, please don't give up on the thought of getting married. If a man like you came along, I would hands down agree to marry him. Looks fade, but a good heart doesn't.

    Insha Allah, when the time is right, you are going to find the perfect match for you. 🙂 just dont give up

  7. When I was younger, I had the same problem, except that I'm a girl. I was the nice girl with the plain face, short height etc., so on the odd occasion that I was introduced to someone, they would not be interested. Once a guy came to my parents house and I caught him scowling at me! In islamic cultures looks are very important, because really you don't get to truly know someone before marriage -- usually it's all about first impressions. But you know what? Although I knew my chances at marriage where slim, I knew deep down that I wasn't "ugly" - because none of God's creatures are ugly! And i also believe that Muslim men are far more critical of a girl's looks than non- Muslim men. I would from time to time receive compliments/attention from non-Muslim men, but I never reciprocated and always maintained a safe distance from the prospect of haraam.

    A lot of women - Muslim and non-Muslim -- will value education, morals and character over a man's looks. Honestly, we look at substance over form! So please don't think all is lost. If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it is that you should develop some self-confidence! Who on earth has told you you are ugly? No one is ugly! If you are confident, you will appear attractive to a woman. So work on that aspect of yourself - read some articles on the internet about how to develop self-confidence, and change yourself from the inside! In a few years, the marriage landscape might be different for you.

    • And i also believe that Muslim men are far more critical of a girl's looks than non- Muslim men. I would from time to time receive compliments/attention from non-Muslim men, but I never reciprocated and always maintained a safe distance from the prospect of haraam.

      This generalization here is not true, and the fact that you recieve compliment/attention from non-Muslims men doesn't make it true either. There are much of non-Muslim men chasing all type of haram girls for their beauty and to have sex with them and dump them later on, when they see new pretty girls. Such men do not chase ugly girls. What do you say about them? Whereas there are much pious Muslim men out there who are not doing as those jerks, whom you see as Angels. Do you think if those pious Muslim men were interested in worldly beauties, they wouldn't have gone after those haram girls and other stuff?

      The next time you talk, please try to use the word "some", and avoid the unnecessary generalization.

      • The next time YOU talk, please read the previous comment carefully.

        I did not say non-Muslim men were Angels.

        There are all sorts of men everywhere, Muslim and non-Muslim, who chase pretty women for sex.

        Furthermore, I made the above comment based on my own experience and the experience of other Muslim girls I know. When parents try to start the marriage process, it is often initiated by a photograph of the girl and/or visit to the girl's home where she resides with her parents. Girls who are not conventionally pretty will often get rejected from the outset, regardless of personality.

        If you are saying this never happens then good for you (Maybe you will marry a girl who is not pretty and there is nothing wrong with that). But based on MY experience and MY observations, it happens all the time. Especially in south Asian (indo-Pakistani) communities where the concept of "fair and lovely" is so prevalent. In my community, many of the girls who missed the chance to get married ARE average-looking, or perhaps slightly overweight, or unfortunately may have very dark skin.

        There are exceptions to every pattern including the one I have described. In fact those who do not fit the mould have gone on to find spouses on their own, usually meeting at university or in social circles where their personalities shine through during their interactions with the opposite sex.

        The image you have of non-Muslim men is based on your experience. Perhaps you have a lot of non Muslim friends who behave in the manner you describe, or maybe you watch too many American t.v, shows. Either way, you should stop. I personally don't know any non-Muslim men or even non-Muslim girls who act that way, chasing the opposite sex only for a booty call. My classmates and my colleagues all have morals! They are all married, monogamous, and don't sleep around.

        • Salam precious star,

          I agree with you a hundred percent. But brother Issah meant that not all muslim men are like this. But I do believe muslim men look at beauty as no 1 priority, even though a person should not be judged on something they have no control over. brother Issah understands that even though he married a preety women! lol.There are bad and good people in both muslim and non muslim. Because of our life experiences we feel that most muslim men are like that. And it looks impossible to find a good muslim men.

          I don't understand why people hate non muslims. We are all human beings and should respect each other. When I make friends i look at a persons character and morals. I would love to have just muslim friends, but living in the west we interact with non mislims too. I have often had better non muslim friends then muslim. Most non muslims do have good character and morals and will not flirt or stare at other women. They respect people's believes. They are one women men and so are the women. The one's who chase after blond bimbos are the "chavs" or hooligan types etc.

          It is sad but there are a lot of prejudice in some muslim cultures, regarding a womens looks. This undying notion of "fair and beautiful" are causes of so much misery for many girls and their family. This is such shallow and backward behavoiur by families and their son.

          An intelligent person will look at the person as a whole, get to know them within islamic limits and judge them by their personality, character and deen. I feel the op didn't get a chance to do that with the girls who rejected him. It's not whats on the outside its whats inside that matters. I feel people should look for spouces who are compatible with them in every aspect, looks, education, deen and character. Then neither can look down or redicule the other! People need time to get to know one another to determine whether they like them and can live with them. Asian families and the boys are like these Bollywood films where they see a fair beautiful girl and they fall in love at first sight! This is so ridiculous! Lol. That's not love, that's lust!

          • Salaams Sister Samaira,

            I agree with you as well.

            In fact, I have had more indecent stares directed my way when I have been in muslim countries than in my current country of residence. When I was in Cairo I was literally stalked and followed by men on a daily basis, even when I was with a group of people (I'm not generalizing about Cairo because I love Egypt, I'm just using that experience as an example). It was terrifying, partly because I have never experienced that in North America or in Europe. And I am by no means a "pretty young thing"!

        • There are all sorts of men everywhere, Muslim and non-Muslim, who chase pretty women for sex.

          Therefore, you are saying that "some" Muslim men do it, and that "some" non-Muslim men do it too. In other words, "some" men chase pretty women for sex. If that is what you mean, then you are right. But those non-Muslim men wo do the same, are they not critical of a girl's looks? If not, why are they attracted to only pretty girls?

          If you are saying this never happens then good for you (Maybe you will marry a girl who is not pretty and there is nothing wrong with that).

          As for those Muslim men with religous commitments and good akhlaq- they are cautious of where they should sow their seeds, and therefore consider only the deen and akhlaq in their searching, and then Allah blesses them with everything, out of His Mercy and Bounty.

          The image you have of non-Muslim men is based on your experience. Perhaps you have a lot of non Muslim friends who behave in the manner you describe, or maybe you watch too many American t.v, shows. Either way, you should stop.

          I said "much' of them, I did not say "all" of them. The knowledge of this does not necessarily has to be based on an experience, especially when everyone knows what a strip club in the West means- some men go there for beauty, and some women go there for money (wow, that's good morals!). Are there not non-Muslim men and women over there? Some of them might be even married men. If they are not critical about looks, why are they there? You confirmed it yourself, that some non-Muslim men do it too.

          I do not know what you meant by "watch too many American t.v, shows", but in general I do not like watching tv. However, I watch tv sometimes when I miss Macca and Medina- I enjoy watching their daily salah, especially the fajr, maghrib and isha. Also, I watch it sometimes for news- though I prefer to listen to the radio. There are other interesting things, which are better than watching tv or shows.

          Finally, my point is that, it was easier for you to deliver your message without the generalization and comparison, but I do not know why you still did it knowingly. Your personal experience, does not represent the experience of the whole Muslim sisters in the world, and your good non-Muslim friends do not represent the whole non-Muslim men and women in the world. This is why it is important to always use the word "some" in your phrases.

          Jazakillahu Khair.

          • I do see both Sr. Precious Star's and Br. Issah's points--completely valid.

            We humans are so tainted by our experiences and given that most of us have grown up with Islam tampered heavily by culture, sometimes we hold these ill-feelings by mixing the two while we should be separating very clearly the religion from the culture.

            I know when I see a negative comment about Muslim women, I tend to get defensive and can understand the flip side of that.

            I think that you may agree with me on this Precious Star that the comments you made, could be applied to some (lol, Br. Issah) of those men living in South Asian countries that aren't even Muslim. For example, the typical traditional culture for selecting a bride in a Hindu or Sikh family is very much about selecting pictures (as you described Sister) and the initial visit involves the girl serving tea (yikes!).

            All we have to do is to struggle (May Allah give us the wisdom and endurance, Ameen) to adhere to the ways of Islam while fighting against those negative non-Islamic traditions--it may be painful and we may not see the fruit of it, but inn shaa Allah, we hope that the future generations will benefit.

          • Please re-read my post, especially the part where I say "There are exceptions to every pattern including the one I have described."

            Nobody's personal experience represents "the experience of the whole muslim sisters in the world." That is why we refer to it as "personal experience". It is not based on an empirical study.

            I trust that clarifies things for you.

  8. Assalaamu alaikum

    It is true that nikah and great sunnah and the virtues of it is immense because it is a cause of the spread of the ummah and the foundation of a good household. Nonetheless there have been scholars in the past who have abstained from marriage for the sole purpose of seeking knowledge. These ulama are known as 'uzzaab and shaykh Abdul Fattaah Abu Ghudda has a compiled a book called The scholars who gave preference to knowledge over marriage (العلماء العزاب الذي اثروا العلم علي الزواج). Amongst these were the great imams As-Shafi'ee and Nawawi Rahimahumallah.

    Additionally the Hadith that you quoted is not one and the same Hadith rather they are two separate ahadith and many people make that mistake of combining and perceiving the two as one which is incorrect.

    If you truly don't want to get married then you pursue knowledge like the scholars did and make that as a reason for not getting married. You state that your looks aren't fitting but my brother the same occurred to Bilal Radiyallahu anhu who wasn't so good either but when he approached a woman for marriage he stated that I know I am not the most pleasant looking person but I am a companion of Rasulullah Sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam. If Allah has decided a partner for you and destined one for you then it is inevitable that you will get married. Leave it up to your parents to find you a spouse and keep this intention that the only reason you would want to get married is for the sake for fulfilling a sunnah and ultimately for the pleasure of Allah and even if you don't get married then you will still get the reward

    And Allah knows best
    Wassalaamu 'alaykum

  9. Saba,
    I just wanted to clarify that my last comment above was not directed at you but at Br. issah. It just happens that my comment ended up where it did.

  10. The problem is that now I don't want to marry- the reasons being that I don't want to be insulted again and I still love the same girl.

    Your problem is fear of failure and this got drilled in conscious after the girls family said no. You took it as a personal failure and haven't gotten over it.

    A plastic surgeon named Maxwell Maltz authored a book - Pycho Cybernetics, it was a best seller, sold over 30 million copies.

    He had performed hundreds of cosmetic surgeries and in the book he writes.

    In most cases a person who had a conspicuously ugly face, or some "freakish" feature corrected by surgery, experienced an almost immediate (usually within 21 days) rise in self-esteem, self-confidence. Some patients showed no change in personality after surgery. But in some cases, the patient continued to feel inadequate and experienced.

    Once I began to explore this area, I found more and more phenomena which confirmed the fact that the"self-image," the individual's mental and spiritual concept or "picture" of himself, was the real key to personality and behaviour feelings of inferiority. In short, these "failures" continued to feel, act and behave just as if they still had an ugly face.This indicated to me that reconstruction of the physical image itself was not "the" real key to changes in personality. There was something else which was usually influenced by facial surgery, but sometimes not. When this "something else" was reconstructed, the person himself changed. Once I began to explore this area, I found more and more phenomena which confirmed the fact that the "self-image," the individual's mental and spiritual concept or "picture" of himself, was the real key to personality and behaviour.

    Brother the learning point of the book is in order to lead a happy and satisfied life we need to change our negative self image first , you urgently need to change your self image from within to overcome your inferiority complex.

    Please move on and start looking for other proposals, getting rejected is part and parcel of the process and should not be taken as personal failure and you should not stop trying. It also happens in job interviews, we get rejected and at times wonder what went wrong, after giving a perfect interview. If you keep trying then what you are doing is maximising your opportunities of getting hitched.

    You have to keeping saying to yourself "I have nothing to lose, I gonna try, what is the worst that can happen, I'll get rejected, I can handle rejection and I am ok with the idea of getting rejected, so I gonna keep trying anyways"

    Alhamdulillah brother you said the only thing I have is a strong moral character, that a big positive but brother remaining single for life is going against nature and it is more difficult for a pious Muslim man who fears doing haram in life, no such fears exist for non-Muslim men who choose to be single( I hope you are getting my point).

    Further remaining single is not encouraged within the Muslim community, single men who refuse to marry are usually looked down up and suspected of being gay or impotent.

  11. Dear brother Elixer,

    I think you should not have intention that you don't want to get married in your whole life as it is sunnah of prophet (SAS) ...But if you feel you are not prepared or need more time due to so and so things then i think it should be perfectly fine .

    I believe that always there are Pros and Cons of every situation .Some times you kind of situation looks like
    "a blessing in disguise" if you compare this to many good looking people who have married and made their life HELL due to so many other issues ...

    You are not answerable if you don't get a girl for your marriage ...

    Have a good intention about marriage and Enjoy the LIFE ...(Halal Way )

    May allah make it EASY for you .

    Alllah hafiz

  12. May Allah Aza Wa Zjal bless you with a soulmate who sees your soul more than your body. Everyone has a soulmate. Allah Aza Wa Jal created us in pairs.even the tiniest creatures.

  13. Salam bro i know how you feel, getting rejected like that.

    But yes women normally go more for the character and maturity of a man rather than his looks.
    But most of all for money. Like they say, there are no bad-looking people, only people with less money, so i suppose if you focus on work and education, you will land a beautiful woman.

    No offence to the sisters here, but please be honest, we all know this truth.

    Hope that helps.
    Kind regards

    • Salaams,

      I am sure a lot of sisters care about money. In many cases, this is for a practical purpose. If a couple is going to live according to the sunnah where the woman is totally financially dependent on the man, she has to ensure he is at least capable of doing so, even on a modest level.

      But there are many women who also marry men who are poor because of who they are. I have married for compatibility over income twice, and I would do it again if the person were of stellar character and had other qualities I value. I have no problem with supporting myself if my husband cannot, as long as he is able to provide for me emotionally and in other practical ways. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

      -Amy Editor

  14. Hi

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