Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marrrying a guy I don’t like

Worried young woman

Im about to be engaged to a guy who I dont really like... theres nothing wrong with him, but he’s just not the guy I wanted or expected to marry in terms of looks.His got a good personality and character and i know he will make me happy but im not sure i would be able to do the same.

My Parents havent forced me into this, but everyone around me advised me about him so i said yes. But ever since then my heart just hasnt felt right and Im scared about what my marriage with him will be like.

Also everyone in the community have found out, so If I break it up there will be backlash on my family which i dont want.

What would you advise me?

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. Your life and happiness matters more than what people in the community think or even what your family want.

    You should have said you don't fancy him and put an end to the matter instead of allowing everyone to push you into a place you don't want to go. You need to stand up for yourself and tell your family you don't find him attractive and therefore do not want to marry him. Be blunt about it and don't let anyone push you around. After all, it is you that they are forcing into a marriage where you feel you will not be happy.

    Stand up for yourself, don't let these people force you into a miserable unhappy life, you're the one who will have to live with it not anyone else, you will never forgive yourself!

    • I'm in a similar situation currently, but I'm Nikkah'd to the guy. And I've told my parents and the guy that I don't have feelings for him and that I do not want this relationship. But yet I am stuck in this arrangement because I verbally said I do and he verbally said I do.
      Nonetheless, how do you break apart from that if your parents and the guy are unwilling to break it off when they know the truth? And how do you break apart when you don't want to hurt your family?

  2. Dear Sister: You need to find a considerate and fair way of ending your engagement and not marrying a man you do not like. It would not be fair to you or the man who wants to marry you. I would suggest that you do not mention that you changed your mind because you do not find him appealing. That would hurt his feelings. Perhaps state that you have thought about this more and have changed your mind. Keep the conversation brief. Don't feel you have to provide a big long drawn out explanation. Insist on returning any gifts that the man and his family may have given you.

    The matter should be handled discreetly and privately. If anyone asks, tell them you do not want to talk about it. It is really no one's business. It may be hard for even your parents to accept your decision and your reasons. The only one who has to be a wife to the man you don't even like is you. Everyone should at least like the person they marry. Most decent parents do not want their children to be married to someone they do not care for. In Islam a woman should not be expected to marry someone simply because the parents want her to.

  3. Aslaamualaukhum

    So then don't marry him...

    It's not fair on him for you to get into a marriage that you don't want to. Tell your parentals that you don't want to marry him otherwise you'll be miserable and it'll be only your fault.

    • Dear sister, my advise would be definitely don't marry this man, I know of someone who did exactly this and married a man that in her heart and instinct was definitely not right for her and it ending up in him assaulting her taking her children away and her life was hell , it ended in divorce after a lengthy battle in court .
      Sometimes people see things differently but I say when you have that instinct deep inside it is sent from Allah (swt) to guide you . Don't marry this man as it could have a devastating effect on your life if he turns out completely wrong and it seems your Instinct is already telling you this.
      At the time of marriage it is exciting for the woman - new dress , gifts , rings, gold, etc but material items are nothing in reality your happiness is something that money can not buy .
      Take care dear sister.
      May Allah (swt) guide you .

  4. Assalam sister

    While everyone suggests you not to marry this man, I would say please give it a thought. Your disliking towards him is solely because of the fact that he is not the one who you have been looking in terms of looks? If you are certain and having positive vibes that he has a good character and if hes educated enough then thats the only thing you need. Your disliking towards him is a result of overthinking and trust me you will never find the perfect person. In the long run of practical life, all you need is someone who is supportive and reasonable in all aspects. Looks really just fade away with time, same goes for girls.

    I would really advise you to think about it positively. Keeping aside your concerns about his looks, you may find an ideal husband in him. Also, i believe your family is very happy about this engagement so you wont be creating any disturbace within family.

    If you really dont find him reasonable (keeping aside the looks), then you can proceed with telling your parents not to carry on with this marriage. Perform an istikhara and think positive. Allah taalah will show you the right path.

  5. Don't marry him so that he can be happy with someone that actually likes him.

  6. You need to become a more independently thinking person. People influenced you in choosing a partner you don't want, and now you want people's influence again to get you out of the situation that you got yourself into in the first place because you let others influence your decision. It's very simple, Dear...if you don't want to marry someone, you have to say it with words: "I don't want to get married to this person". There's no other way to go about it. You have made matters harder on yourself but accepting a marriage you don't want...if you had just said no from the beginning, things would have been a lot easier on everyone. Please break off this engagement as soon as possible, and don't pull this stunt again. If someone has to persuade you to do something, it's not something you should accept doing. Just for future reference.

  7. Better to hurt a few feelings now than to hurt many people after, even possibly children. Also remember, today you are refusing someone based on their looks. Tomorrow many others may reject you based on your looks. He can do nothing about his looks. He can about his character and you admit that he does have a good character. Keep this in mind when you reject him, Do istekhara and go with your gut instinct. It is really hard to decide on something that will affect the rest of your life. May Allah guide you.

Leave a Response