Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have no desire to live any more, now my mum has rejected me

Book: the disease to please

I'm emotionally hurt by every body close to me don’t want to live any more

I have several problems in my life from in-laws to my own family, and I really want to end my life.  I have no desire to be alive any more.

Since the day I got engaged & my brother got married my life changed so dramatically which I have no control over it.  I do understand life changes but when your own family treats you bad it hurts like any thing  and I don’t know where to start but I will any way.

I am 24 years of age and live in a foreign country.  I came here when I was very young. I got engaged two years ago & now I’m married I have had a lot of problems with my in-laws which has affected me badly and I have come to the stage that I don’t enjoy being married. I don’t even have the respect I had for my husband but that is beside the point. I am very hurt now because ..

This is where it starts …. My parents can’t speak a word of English. I have two brothers who are okay,  nice only when I do every thing for them from paying bills to washing their cars … since my mum doesn’t speak any English &  has always needed support since I was 14 years of age: I worked very hard 10 to 12 hour shifts to support my family. I am a Muslim but I've never been like other girls.  I always worked hard to support my family.  I helped my brother to open a business. I never cared about my self.  I ran the house I did every thing a man could do for the family and my dad couldn’t work because he had stroke… so for the past 10 years you could only imagine how much I went through. My brothers did work but never paid any bills,  I paid for all the expenses at home while both of my brothers were busy saving there money & having a good life.

Last year me & my brother got married almost a week apart from each other. My husband lives in USA & I will be moving there soon.  I am still living at home with my parents & brother & his wife.  Mum has started favouring her more than me ( I must mention me & mum were extremely close) and every little thing she says my mum would agree with her. If I make a plan for me & mum to go out she would get jealous & she would ask mum 'I think you guys should stay at home' & mum would do it for her, as if what I want doesn’t make any sense. The other day me & my sis-in-law had an argument and my mum took her side.  I asked: why mum you knew I was right. She was quite tense she said well you're moving from here,  she would be the one that would look after me so I have to take her side.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said mum, so you only care about what works best for you? Mum don’t be like that, I feel like I have been used all these years … she would only do things to please them the only time she is very nice to me if she needs money. I feel so betrayed. Its the same with my brother: the only time he is talks to me properly when I pay his bills or he would find a excuse & beat me up.

When I ask mum that would you come & visit me in U.S.A she says, "Oh if I go away my retirement money won’t come through so who would pay your brothers mortgage,  I would come in one condition if you pay their mortgage for a month I will come & visit you." These things I hear from my own mum. It hurts a lot that she would make me do all the house work so by the time my sister-in-law wakes up there would be nothing left. Mums says this way your brother would be happy. She does all this to me.  I feel so depressed so betrayed so heart broken .. but unfortunately my mother-in-law is the same. She takes her daughter’s side.  I wished my own mum turn out like this maybe my mother-in-law would be a new mum to me but when I met her at my wedding I found that  she is worse than my mum.

Life changed so much for me, being betrayed by every one my own blood,  my in-laws put me through hell as well. Maybe it is not the time for me.

Please pray for me to have strength to overcome this loneliness.

- sidiki

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11 Responses »

  1. Salaam my sister,

    I am so sorry for this heartache that you are experiencing. It always hurts when people we are bending over backwards for people and then they commercialise us and speak to us as though we are products, or factory workers who live to produce rather than give and receive love.

    The relationship you have created with the people around you is a form of dependency. You have taken it upon yourself to provide for them, seeing their dependency and your provision of their needs as a form of relationship between you. However, what you have created there is a relationship based on sustenance rather than the sharing of oneself - strengths, weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams: the relationship lacks security because it revolves around need: their need to have, and your need to provide.

    I know that you have felt pressure to provide, however this pressure is coming from somewhere inside of you. It could be because you feel that this is a route to love (to be needed, and depended on), or it could be a way of safeguarding your position in the family, feeling like that's all that you have to offer - whatever it is, this needs based relationship is masking some other fear or anxiety that you have: and you have pressured yourself to be perfect, uncomplaining, always there - you have formed yourself into this "perfect" character and completely neglected yourself in the meantime. You have done all of these things in order to be loved, when what you should have realised is that that love will come anyway: you are family, and you love each other - through poverty and through wealth.

    In the meantime, your family has taken you for granted. I feel a sense of your mother punishing you a little for leaving her, her comments and her actions towards your leaving sound a lot like passive aggressiveness and I think there is an element of manipulation about her actions towards you. I don't think she is doing it consciously, but it is likely that she feels sense of abandonment and she is seeking security and refuses to comfort you at this time when you are leaving her. She is your mother, yes - but she is also a human being and she will be having emotions, reactions and actions that may not make sense. I think she is punishing you a little and it is working. For all of this time your actions were coming from a deep, emotional place - whereas your families experience of you has not been emotional at all and they have not recognised your feelings for this whole time. I know that hurts a great deal - however, this shallow experience is predictable. People bond when they share, and you have (by the sounds of things) not shared yourself fully. You have provided, and this is how they experience you. All mothers hate to see their children go - and naturally, she is dealing with "losing" you and she is having pain and heartache that is making her behave in strange ways - she is not perfect, and she doesn't know how to express herself. It could be that she doesn't even recognise her own emotions and how they are affecting her, she is just saying things and telling you "I'm upset that you are going" in her own, mother-way. Mothers are the masters of guilt trips- everyone knows that.

    The effect her actions are having on you on the other hand, are very extreme and unhealthy: you feel like your world has vanished from this lack of appreciation - which shows that being wanted and loved by your family is very very important for you: you have this intense need to be loved, wanted and needed. That's OK - we all have that need, however now that you cannot see this need being fulfilled by your mother - the emotional negativity that is accompanying this for you is too much and you must first of all recognise this and then second, manage that reaction and push your efforts into a more healthy way of being.

    As hard as it is: you must cut he umbilical cord and understand that your mother loves you even in her most horrible and hurtful moments, she is the mother and no matter what she says and what she does - she loves you and cannot live without you. Everything she does or says is actions and words, but she needs you a great deal and always will whether you provide for her or not. The only way you will learn this is to stop providing for her, and start sharing yourself with her - speak to her on an adult level and not as a child to a mother, but as a woman to a woman and start to change the dynamics of your interaction. Be honest, say "Mum, I get jealous about this" or "Mum, I feel like x,y or z" - and she will speak to you. Remember, her behaviour towards her own children will always be different to her own children: she knows you inside out, she knows that she doesn't have to make an effort to bond: but with new people - more effort is required and more good behaviour. It's only natural.

    You must understand that love doesn't come in a set package and when someone needs something you do not have to provide it for them. All you have to do is listen to them, share their experience, share your own experience and have the experience with them. The pressure to provide is coming from you, not them. As soon as you release yourself from this burdensome feeling that you "have to" provide in order to be love, the sooner you will be on your way to release from these toxic feelings and achieve security in the love and importance you have in your family.

    As for asking for money etc - people will try it Sidiki, they will try - why not? If you can get something for free, why not have a go? Its not a disrespect or a pressure, or an expectation - they are just trying to see if they can get something for nothing. Their tactics have worked so far: but when you start saying "no" their actions will not change - they are being humans, and they are having a try. What's important for you is to recognise that all of your emotions are coming from within you and the massive need you have to be loved. You are interpreting their actions on an emotional level - when actually, they are just having a try because 99% of the time, they get what they want. You have taught them this yourself - not you can teach them something new.

    You are loved OK? And when people say hurtful things, or ask for money, or help - they still love you, and when you say no, they still love you, and when you argue and have a small fall out with each other, they still love you - this is being human and being people. Some people will throw tantrums to get their way, others will manipulate, others will cry, others will shout, others will just talk and ask - all of these things are simply behaviours to extract a desired outcome.

    As soon as you accept that you are loved, no matter what your mother says, does or doesn't do - you will feel more relaxed, more able to live your own life and much more secure in your value as a human being, and not just as a provider for your family. It will be hard, and you will feel anxiety in the early stages - but you must focus on generating healthy bonds, and healthy relationships and be STAY SECURE even when that relationship is under threat - and this is the only way you will be free from this emotional wrecking ball which will follow you around until the day you let go.

    You can do it! Just be who you are and nothing more: that's enough. You'll see.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Dear Leyla

      thank you so much for your reply it helps me alot, today I was very emotional & reading your advice helped me one thing I would like to mention is the pain & suffering I'm going through I can't discript it in words I wish I could

  2. Bismihi Ta'ala.

    Asalaam mu alaikum wa rahmatulla

    Dear sister in Islam

    Reading you later causes grate amount of pain to me

    I pray that as i reply to you Allah fills me with the knowledge to give you the correct advice that will work for you and your family Inshallah

    Firstly I would like you to advise your brothers that they should stop beating you up due to the fact that a day is coming where they and all of us are going to be brought before Allah and we are going to have to account for all our sins and pain we have caused to fellow human beings and on that day there will be no escaping the punishment of Allah every human being will have to pay back what he owes and explain to them that it is only few days left before you leave and go and stay with you husband in the USA so they should try and make it as pleasant for you as they can ask them for forgiveness if you have hurt them in anyway and you should forgive them for their mistakes and your relationship with them should not have to be to continuously to please them .Help them in any way you can but they are big enough to take care of themselves and by right they should be taking care of you

    As far as you, your Mother and sister-in-law relationship goes you should explain to your mum and tell her that she should not think that no one is going to look after her after you have left for USA and that is the reason why she takes her part and listens to all that she has to say. Allah has made it such that your brother got married and Allah has replaced you with your sister-in-law and now she has to take care of your beloved mother and this was Allah’s planning

    You are now married and need to move to the USA soon so that you can be with your husband it might take some time for you to adjust to your new environment and new family but from day one if your husband can afford to stay on his own with you then that would be best for you him and his parents as that will build more love between the two parties sometimes our parents are set in their own ways of doing things .We as young people try to do things in our own way and then our parents in laws don’t approve of it and we end up having a fight . Avoid all that it is best for you and your husband to try and stay on your own.try and explain and convince your husband to try and get a place just for the two of you

    As far as not having the desire to live any more one should always take stock of one’s self when a difficulty comes upon us

    We should see that has the difficulty brought us closer to Allah and if it has then it is the mercy of Allah upon us
    If that difficulty has taken us further way form Allah than it was a punishment then ask Allah for his forgiveness and run back to Allah
    You have done so well all these years my dear Sister in Islam don’t quit now Allah is just waiting to repay you for all your saber if you quit now it will be like the person that has worked for almost the entire month and just a few days or hours before getting his pay he decided to quit with out getting paid we all will say how stupid a person he is be strong and never loss hope in Allah’s mercy and ask Allah for his help

    one last word of advice start reading daily at home when all members of the family are around one hadith
    from an authentic Islamic book I would suggest fazail-e-aamal and continue with it once you in the USA

    May Allah S.W.T bless your marriage and my he grant us peace and understanding

    May Allah S.W.T guide me, you and the entire ummah to the straight path

    And may Allah S.W.T. ease the pain and suffering of mankind around the globe and especially the Muslim umaah

    Ws-sallam mu alaikum wa rahmatulla

    • Salam dear

      Thanks alot for your reply, you are so kind .... I will be moving to L.A next year once my sponsorship is done which will be april next year, but guess the worst happen to me I had a perfect life once when my sister in law came from U.S.A & saw my life I work for stock exchange market I know such a young age but I got lucky to get a job there I get very good income any ways when she came here & saw my life style she in her 40's I did every thing I could for her ... when she went there she tried her best for my fiance back then to leave me she said I have high expectation in life & I am 10 years younger than my husband she thinks I won't last with him long I went through hell with his family but me being a muslim girl I can't bring shame to my family i didn't leave him because i didn't want my family to get embarrsed any ways I got married with him his family is very rude to me extremely I try to make a good relationship with them but it doesn't work I called them in Eid they said when I come to L.a I'm not allowed in the same subarb as them I have to live far away because they don't like me I asked my husband what did I do so wrong that they don't like me he said I really don't have an answer for it ... then after 3 weeks one of my husband's sister in law called me she is a very nice lady she said she feel sorry for me for what ever reason I told her about the who issues she told me the reaso why they don't like me which is a shock to me the reason is

      " my husband's sisters & mother thinks I'm too good for him I am way younger than him, I am too pretty to say yes to him I must have a plan for this marriage"

      well he is not wealthy I have no plan yes i agree in no level which match but I really don't know why I said yrs to him I guess you could say I felt sorry to him because he came all the way from Status & I didn't want to disappoint him it might sound like a excuse but trust me on it I swear to my life I felt bad to say NO now they don't welcome be in the family as well. I lost my family his family doesn't like I have no feelings for my husband I am so alone so lonely once I use to be a very cheerfull girl that girl has vanished I cry every single night my life is so complicated

      I loved some one for 5 years I didn't marry him because my family said NO to him he was avery good musilm still is but all my hopes were finished once my family said NO to him & I'm the type of girl I would never go against my family .

      all this emotions are torturing me don't know if I would last long

      • In the name of Allah most gracious most merciful

        Sister I agree with what abir is saying. Like it or not, you have used your husband. You said your husband came from the USA to ask for your hand and you said yes to that because you felt sorry for him. let me tell you something sister no one is that nice of a person. If you did fell sorry for him may Allah bless you for having such a big heart. If not then there must be
        another reason. You have said you loved someone for five years and your hopes were finished when your family said NO to him. If you had no hopes why did you get someone else involved in your life? maybe he has hopes and dream of his own by marring you. He might think that you said yes to him and married him because you love him a lot. But he doesn't even know there is no place for him in your heart. For your information sister it is a big SIN to have any kind of relationship with a man before marriage. Even more now that your married but your saying you love your ex b/f and not your husband. Sister again be careful what your saying your doing a big SIN.

        To what you have been telling us, it looks like your husband picked you over his family. What will happen if he finds out about your past? He will be heart broken, because you have lied to him that you love him that's why you married him. But if he still chooses to stand by you then I will say your the most lucky person ever. And you can never repay him.

        The issues you have with your in laws, have saber in time everything will work just fine, show them what a nice of a person you are. They will love you like there own sister and daughter. At the moment your focus should not be your in laws what they are saying or what they are doing, but it should be your marriage, and your husband.

        Sister all the sorrow your going through maybe Allah is trying to tell you something. Maybe your husband has a good heart but he was wronged. Pray to Allah ask for forgiveness. And take this other man out of your heart, because your married now love and respect your husband.

        May Allah bless you.

        • Salam sister

          I know I totally agree with you & Abir regarding me involving my husband in all this I am just another human being who made a mistake Yes agree I shouldn't involve my husband in all this but it just happend I do feel very bad about it but all I can do is give him the respect & support he deserves for my mistakes I can not say I don't love him that is the truth I do love my husband because he is my family now but I want to be in love with him I am doing every thing I could to make things better for us specially for my husband because he is such a nice person I don't want to hurt him in any way. I know I had a relationship before marriage but I shouldn't justify my self truly speaking I had no Haram relationship with him I can swear in my life on that
          All I can say I feel extremely hurt reading all the comments & how much of a mistake I have made.

          I must say my husband choose me over his family & that why I always stand by him supported him in any way I did every thing in my power to stand by him no matter how much his family insulted me .. he knows about my past & he is standing by me which I can not Thank Allah enough for it that is why I am trying my best to change for the better I will be honest with him I told him I love him but I am not in love with him it was a big step to take to say such thing to him but I had to be honest some where in side me I do love him alto and i am sure once i start living with him I will fall in love with him with all my heart

          His family I think is the big part of it how I feel for him I guess there attitude towards him put me off from this our relationship, but you are right I need to work on it I have given up on his family no need to try I did try I failed

          It is not a good feeling when I read your last paragraph sister maybe Allah is punishing me for what I did my husband but it wasn't intentionally I would ask Allah for forgiveness + The other man is so out of the picture i have realize that it is my past which is finished I would be doing a big SIN if I think about him I am giving my 100%... I must mention I respect my husband alot I do love him he is my husband but as I mentioned I want to be in love with him

          please pray for me

  3. oh lady u r in big troube but trust in allah and pray to him lonly inshallah he wil lgiveu all u need never lose hope in him and never feel u dont want to livel ife ok sister u r great but never forget allah ask help from him and keep asking and well u dont deserve to feel liek this for those bad people didto u be strog u should punish them not yourself u cant punish them so atleast dont punish your self by being sooooooooo sad be strong lady

  4. Bismihi Ta'ala.

    A salaam mu alaikum wa rahmatulla

    Dear Sister Sidiki

    Thank you for the reply

    Sister you mention in your reply
    My husband's sisters & mother thinks I'm too good for him I am way younger than him, I am too pretty to say yes to him I must have a plan for this marriage"

    Firstly you should find out if that is true and the only way you can do that is by asking your husband
    Start of by telling him that you are worried about the way you are being treated and you can’t handle it any longer so he must be able to give you some answers as to why his parents are treating you the way they are (WAIT FOR THE ANSWER AND LET HIM RESPOND) if he says he does not know.

    Then mention to him that you where thinking that maybe they feel that you are too young for him (Please
    wait for him to respond) when asking him these questions so the more silent you are the batter, as it will force him to talk and he might just pour out his heart to you PLEASE DON’T MENTION THAT YOU HEARD ANY OF THIS FROM YOU SISTER IN-LAW AS WE DON’T WANT TO START A WAR just inform him these are your own thoughts as you are searching for answers

    Try and make notes about all the things that you would like to get answers and then call him and discuss it with him

    Also mention to him that you have second thoughts about coming to LA if all this is not sorted out before you come

    Mention to him on Eid day a happy occasion in the life of all Muslims you called to wish them a happy Eid and they told you when I come to L.a I'm not allowed in the same suburb as them I have to live far away because they don't like me

    So if they don’t like you why then did they get him married to you?

    You also mention you said yes to marry him as you felt sorry for him that was a wrong thing for you to do but you did so maybe out of you good heart but we should not cut our nose to spite our face and also remember that if he did not like you then he would have jumped on a plane and gone back home and forgotten about you
    You say that you wanted to marry someone that you parents never approved of but did you ask them why they did not approve of him and also explain to them the problems you are having now sometimes we need to convince our parents and family there are certain decisions that we need to make on our own if the person we want to marry has a track record of having bad friends or is on drugs etc……..then yes our parents have all the right not to allow us to marry him and then if we still force the issue then we have non to blame but ourselves Remember that it is you that is marrying the person and you will have to try and spend the rest of you life with him so it is you that need to make the right choice in life (not only in marriage but everything else)

    Rasulullah S.A.W has said : “Strive to acquire what is beneficial for you;
    seek the aid of Allah; do not lose courage and if a setback overtakes
    you, do not say : ‘If I had done this then it would have happened like
    this (i.e. not what had happened).’ Instead say : ‘Allah has ordained
    this. Whatever He has willed, has happened.’”

    Dear Sister try your best make it work and if all fails then at least you have tried and if you go to LA or not then remember Allah has given you what is best for you

    It does not mean you have to go to LA remember you are married and if you do go to LA thinking that you have to. Due to the fact you don’t want to go against you family wish and you are forced to go then you will be more miserable and remember that one day Inshallah you will have kids and you don’t want your kids to grow up in a environment where people are miserable all the time as that will affect them

    Talk to you husband and explain to him you resons for you concerns

    One morning, as a Wali(friend of Allah) was leaving his home, he struck his head
    against the doorframe (in India, many homes have doorframes which
    are low). The pain experienced, forced him to lie down. He uttered the
    words : “Alhamdu lillahi ala kulli haal” (All praise be to Allah in
    every condition).
    …In every decision and action of Allah’s, there is both wisdom and
    good for His servant. Sometimes this remains unknown and hidden.
    Nevertheless, a short while later, he was informed that on the path
    which he would have proceeded down, there lay in wait some of his
    enemies who intended to kill him. A little injury but he was saved from death at the hands of his enemies.

    I Pray to Allah to grant you the best out of this situation and may Allah grant you the best of both worlds

    May He bless us with complete trust and faith in Him.

    May He strengthen our Imaan so that we accept all decisions
    made by Him, to be the best for us.
    A Brother in islam

    • A Salam Dear brother

      Sorry for a late reply I did what you told me and the asnwer is

      I spoke to my husband & told him what I heard from his sister in Law I didn't say she told me I said it in a way that I have observed it all & I'm in search for the truth if it is only my imaginations or it is true... you so right he was quite for a while & I didn't say much as well then he said to me that some times you see some thing & you want to be like that person when you can you just hate them mabye that is what my sister feels for you & also he did say his family thinks we not in the same level you didn't really say I'm too good for him but indirectly that is exactly what he meant I was so hurt when I heard..

      I asked him if your family wasn't happy for you to marry me why did they let you marry then he said they tried every thing they could for me to leave you but I didn't listen to them reason being because it was all out of jealousy he said my sisters had no valid reason for me to leave you he said his sister even called my husband's best friend & begged him to make my husband understand to leave me he told me there were night they would fight with me till 2 - 3 in the morning & say leave her but he said when I saw you in your aunty's house in Germany for the very first time I knew I couldn't live a day with out you ....he said if I didn't love you mabye I would of left you but I couldn't because of my own feelings which made me speechless dear brother what could I say...

      I asked him about Eid I said well I called in Eid and your mother was really rude to me & your older sister said I am not allowed in the same subard has them. I must mention one thing to you all this problem is caused my the younger sister she is not young in her (40's + single) but any ways he said his younger sister said if the mother or any body in the family talk to me she will move out of the house & my husband said we scared what if she does that his mother was rude to me to keep her happy I don't know if this is an excuse or what I told him why so much double standard he told me He has no answer for it...

      He said come to L.A next year we live separetly some where we won't have any thing to do with my family I asked him I grow up with family all around me I can't be all lonely in there life takes different path what if we need help one day & so on he said we have no other option .. I told him come and live in my city he said no way & hell my family would laugh at me I am sorry to say this brother but man's ego some times .....

      what can I say I am shattered since I spoke to him I can only see loneliness ahead of me you know last year I went to Germany to see my aunty & then I went to a different city to see one of my girl cousin when I looked her life she was very lonely she had no family in Germany her in laws didn't like her you could see it all in her face how sad she was I swear to my life you could see the loneliness in her eyes I said to my mum that if I need up like her I would die poor girl that day I cried for her situation today I can see same thing ahead of me...

      For me not marrying the one I really love till this day long story my dear brother in islam.. he is from Iraq I am not believe it or not his family came to my house for 2 years begged my mother & brothers the main person who said NO was my brothers because he is not from my country he doesn't speak my language stupid reasons I know my mum wanted to give me to her but my brothers have alot of say in my household ....I cried day & night + that is the reason my mum send me for a holiday mum Knew that me & him loved each other since we were young I couldn't go against my family I didn't had the courage...

      I'm married now you can see how lonley I feel I have alot of respect for my husband but I don't love him at all I am faithful to him but I have no desire to live with him but I know for a fact I won't leave him & hurt his feelings I just want Allah to give me strenght to go through my life with all these emotions

      The man who loves me knows I am married now I speaks to his sister alot she said he won't get married & he send me a massege via his sister that he will wait for me if I go to L.A and things doesn't work out he said he will wait & he is just a phone call away hearing that caused alot of pain to me I really don't know I don't

      thank you dear brother for reading my reply & answering me back it feels like some one cares thanks to this website & Kind people like you

      have a nice day your sister in islam

      • salam mu alaikum dear sister

        As you have mentioned you married your husband because you felt sorry and bad for him. That is not a good enough an excuse. As it looks, it was played with his life.
        He is unaware of the truth. In Islam it is forbidden (aram) for a boy and girl to have any kind of relationship before marriage. The day will come when we all stand
        before Allah. How can we answer the question saying I was married to this person but someone else was in my heart and thoughts. Your husband might love you very
        much, and he is probably expecting the same from you. This in itself is being unfaithful.

        All this sorrow your going through is from Allah ask for forgiveness. And Be faithful to your husband, and work things out with him. Be the best wife as you can be
        and expect from him to be the best husband as he can be.

        It is heart breaking reading your story, sister I pray to Allah that he guide all of us to the right path. Sister my advise to you will be stop dwelling on the past.
        Someone has probably already said this, but dwelling on painful stuff is like picking at a scab over and over so that it never heals and grows into something ugly.
        Next thing you know everyone can see it. You should stop thinking about the past by focusing on your marriage, and less on what you could do to change the past.
        You didn't have as much time to sit around brooding . Sure, you still think about the past every now and then, but it should not anger you or make you cry or make
        you sick to your stomach. you realize you have the whole life ahead of you to think about, and you want the rest of your life to be a happy one.

        In Islam, marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in which each becomes “permitted” to the other, and they begin the long journey of life in a spirit
        of love, co-operation, harmony and tolerance, where each feels at ease with the other, and finds tranquility, contentment and comfort in the company of the other.
        The Qur’an has described this relationship between men and women, which brings love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving and eloquent terms.

        Dear sister I pray to Allah that he gives you the best of both world and a happy marriage. And may he forgive all of our sins.

        salam mu alaikum

  5. Salamalekum sister

    First of all you should have never disclosed your past to your husband. A person should not disclose her past sins which Allah has covered for her. You said "he knows about my past & he is standing by me". I have to say you have Allah's blessings in this, and you should be thankful of him. You are very fortunate your husband is still standing by you.

    My dear sister you cannot go out and blame his family or others for how you feel about him. He might say I don't care about your past, I am with you because I love you. Which is very true, and he has proven it to you by him holding your hand and not letting go. But I can assure you he is burning from inside, him knowing you had a relationship with another man. And there is no such thing as a halal relationship between a man and a woman before marriage.

    And this is where you come in, you have to do everything in your power to put the flame out from inside his chest. You have to do everything in your power to keep him happy, because as I see it your husband is the only victim in all of this. Don't play games or tricks on him like a brother suggest for you as I was reading the above comments. As much as he loves you don't force him to change his mind about the whole thing.

    Love and cherish your husband, If you do love him let him know, not by words but by your actions.

    May Allah bless your marriage


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