Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why does a Muslim husband treat a woman this way?

Violent abusive husband choking his wife

He has an affair, but she is the victim

salaam everyone,

I apologies if this post is long but i really need to understand and ask for prayers to help me as i really dont know what else to do.

I was a divorcee with 3 daughters and had been alone for more than 13 years, working full time, bringing up my children the best i could... until my cousin who had been interested in me suddenly starting taking a more intense interest in me.  He was a jolly and fun loving guy which i instantly found so warming after my physically abusive 1st husband, we eventually got engaged first as my cousin had no legal stay or any permanent residence.  i am a homeowner and born and bred in this country, my daughters were not too keen on me being with someone as they had had me for 13 years alone and suddenly to find someone else on the scene, they found that hard but accepted it eventually seeing how happy i was.

we eventually got married after quite a turbulent year, as my husband would want my help with finances and as i was in love took out a loan in my name to help him with a car so that he could travel to and from London with ease and  with wedding expenditure only for him to promise he would pay as we were getting married and would work together to build a life.

as soon as the marriage took place a week later he argued and moved out claiming i had thrown him out which was not the case, he suddenly changed into this monster, fighting and picking at everything... he did know the situation that i was a single parent with children but suddenly all of this was too much for him.

i have been married for 5 years now and my husband has moved back and forth on and off without giving me any kind of support financially (as he works) or emotional,  out of the 5 years we have been married he has only resided with me for 6 months on and off and because i love him have taken him back after pleading with him, as i wont give up on the marriage, i have fallen pregnant but sadly to have a miscarriage as i thought he had no children this would bring us closer to together, if anything he showed his heartless side to this situation as he argued the day i came out of hospital and moved back to London again, leaving me alone with my daughters to pick up the pieces.

My husband has done nothing but make excuses not to come home, saying my girls are rude or he finds it too much of a distance to travel so eventually moved in with his parents promising to come home from London to slough on a weekend but that also changed as the weekend would come and he would stay at his parents making excuses, if i did manage to get him home, i paid for everything but if he happened to buy some meat for the weekend he would constantly throw in my face that he had spent money to feed me and my daughters, if i needed money and asked for support he would turn round and say this is not my house, i dont have money... i started to feel like his weekend stand where he would come and show his physical affection and then leave without any kind of support.

i have had a mental breakdown due to his behavior and am constantly depressed, i am married but still live a single parent single life, my family have all intervened to find out what is wrong why he does this but his excuse is i am not a respectful woman, im very demanding (my brother asked what was it i demanded as he didn't see me in diamonds or gold, my brother asked me and i told him the love that i show him would be nice to be reciprocated back) but i ask what is it that i should respect??

i feel so let down and hurt by his actions, i eventually asked for a divorce as he was killing me with the emotional and mental abuse... but his answer is go to leytonstone and get khulla and i will sign it...!! he just has no companionship for me or any love for me but when i manage to talk to him he claims he does but why do his actions show different.

i want a happy home too, i married later in life only thinking this guy has no money or home, no legal status (which i helped to get) on the grounds of our marriage and as he does not live with me it was thrown out and i was blamed that i was never interested in getting him settled. i thought because he claimed to love me for over 15 years and had never married he would at least treat me nicely, he used to say he did me a favor as i was a divorcee and that Allah likes people who help out woman like me, but now he throws in my face that if we divorce people will mock me as i will be 2nd time divorced and no one shall point the finger at him...

He last decided he didn't want to come back home in Feb 2013 and since then its been a constant battle, he doesn't want to reason, doesn't want to divorce me, doesn't want to know me, doesn't care what i feel or need.

he will only keep contact through text occasionally and they are abusive on how such a bad person i am, his family have sat him down to tell him what he is doing but his pride is so high that he thinks he is right, he is better than anyone and he doesn't care what others think.

i pray to Allah constantly and read darood tanjina and listen to surah yaseen hoping for some resolution but he gets worse and i hate to say i still dearly love him but i get questioned what is it that i love about him??

i sometimes hate him for coming into my life and turning it upside down, he pulled me into his love web and showed his true colors, if I'm ill he has no empathy and my daughters look after me and hate him for what he has to done to my little family.

i take each day, pray each day... last night was shab e raat and i prayed to Allah for forgiveness and also to return the fun loving, easy guy i fell in love with..

can anyone help and tell me why men change...!! 🙁

p.s i have told him endlessly that he will get gunah for not providing as a Muslim to his wife and family but his excuse is, he has no money, he recently purchased a £5000 car after selling the car i bought him which i found out through family members, but life goes on and try and stay focused with Allah. he used to drink, smoke weed and i stopped his drug habit, i ask myself what have i done to my life and why i choice such a poor Muslim man in religion, is he not afraid of Allah for his actions...!

surely if he doesn't want to be with me he should let me go, as he has really shown he does not have any kind of commitment into this marriage.

Shemila


Tagged as: , , ,

17 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    DEAR SHEMILA-
    HOPE YOU ARE OK NOW-
    DEAR MAM HE DIDNT CHANGE HE WAS SAME FROM DAY ONE BUT UN EXPOSED UNTIL HE EXPOSED-

    READING THE FULL REPORT OF THIS PERSONS ATTITUDE IT LOOKS LIKE HE PLANNED TO MARRY YOU FOR GAINS AND THAT HE HAS TAKEN AS BEST POSSIBLE TILL NOW-
    ONLY IF HE A GETS A CHANCE HE WILL MAKE YOU SELL YOUR HOUSE AND VANISH FROM THE SCENE LEAVING AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ON THE ROADS

    HE IS A CUNNING MAN AND HIS TITLE IS CONMAN AND THAT HE TRIES HIS TRICKS WITH A PERSON LIKE YOU-
    YOUR MAJOR MISTAKE IS YOU INDULGED IN THIS BIDDAH[Durood-e-Tunajjina-] WHICH IS NOT PART OF ISLAM-AND ALLAH DOES NOT FORGIVE A PERSON WHO ACRIBES A PARTNER TO ALLAH
    [THAT IS IN HIS DOMINION]AND INNOVATOR-BIDDAH INNOVATION[NEW ADDITION IN HIS DEEN [ISLAM]
    AND THIS DAROOD HAS NO BASE WHATSOEVER IN QURAN OR HADEES OR THE LIFE AND TEACHINGS OF SAHABAS-
    WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING WHICH IS FOREIGN TO ISLAM YOU WILL NOT GET BLESSING BUT CURSE FROM ALLAH-
    Durood-e-Tunajjina- THIS STORY IS SAME LIKE THE STORY OF BRITISH SAILOR WHO ALSO WAS IN HIS WAY TO INDIA AND WHEN THE STORMS BECAME FURIOUS AND HE WISHED THAT HE WILL MAKE A CHURCH IN THE NAME OF MARY IF HE LANDS SAFELY -FINALLY HE LANDED AND MADE A CHURCH AND TILL TODAY IN INDIA A MARYS FEAST IS CELEBRATED OF THAT DAY HE REACHED SAFELY-
    MATCHING STORY[NOT VERSION FROM QURAN OR HADEES]
    Imam ibn-Faikihani says that there was once a pious man called Sheikh Moosa Zareer-Embarked on a voyage by ship. Due to a heavy storm, the ship started sinking. All the passengers on board started crying and clamouring, but Sheikh Moosa Zareer went to sleep. He saw Muhammad in his dream and Muhammad directed him and the passengers to recite Durood-e-Tunajjina 1 000 times. Sheikh Moosa Zareer got up and started the recitation. As soon as he finished 300 Durood, the storm subsided and the ship was saved.
    COMING TO-YOUR DECISION IF YOU WANT TO TAKE-
    surely if he doesn't want to be with me he should let me go, as he has really shown he does not have any kind of commitment into this marriage.
    YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO RELEASE YOURSELF FROM HIM-ISLAM HAS PROVISION FOR THESE TYPE OF CASES WHERE WOMEN GET STUCK AND THE MAN PLAYS WITH THEIR EMOTIONS-
    POSITION OF KHULLAH IN ISLAM.......

    WHAT IS KHULA?
    IF A WOMAN DOES NOT LIKE HER HUSBAND OR THINK THEY CANNOT LIVE IN HARMONY,SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO GET SEPERATED[KHULLAH]BY PAYING BACK HER MEHER & GIFTS GIVEN TO HER AND GET HERSELF FREE FROM THE BOND OF MARRIAGE IT IS BETTER THAT WHATEVER THE HUSBAND HAS GIVEN TO HER HE SHOULD NOT TAKE BACK MORE THAN THAT ALLAH HAS SAID THAT IF YOU CANNOT LIVE IN HARMONY,BETTER YOU SHOULD GET SEPARATED BY TAKING BACK THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO YOUR WIFE[AL-BAQARA-229]

    WIFE OF SABIT BIN KHAIS CAME TO THE PROPHET[PBUH]AND SAID YA RASOOL ALLAH I FIND NO FAULT IN CHARACTER AND BEHAVIOUR OF MY HUSBAND,BUT I DONT LIKE HIM THEN THE PROPHET [PBUH] ASKED HER THAT WHAT SABITH HAS GIVEN TO YOU?SHE SAID A GARDEN THEN THE PROPHET ASKED ARE YOU WILLING TO RETURN THE GARDEN SHE SAID "YES

    HERE YOUR CASE IS REVERSED BECAUSE HE DIDNT DO -THE MARRIAGE EXPENCES ALSO-NEITHER THE LIVING EXPENCES-TILL NOW-
    YOU CAN RELEASE YOURSELF BY SENDING A KHULLA TO HIM THROUGH AN IMAM OF A MOSQUE TO PREPARE IT FOR YOU AND THERE IS NOTHING LIKE OTHER RELIGIONS THAT HE HAS TO GIVE PERMISSION FOR KHULLA-
    ".. When Rabia bint Masood obtained Khula from Thabit, the prophet asked her to wait until one menstrual cycle before she could go to her home". (An-Nissai, Abu Daud, Tirmidhi)
    If the husband does not consent to the divorce, a woman often goes to a mediating third party, such as an imam. Only a person versed in Islamic law i.e. a qazi, or Islamic Sharia court judge, can grant the khula without the husband’s consent. When petition for khula is taken to the Sharia courts, a judge is permitted to substitute the husband and annul the marriage. This process of judicial annulment is also commonly referred to as faskh, which typically occurs when the husband refuses to consent to the wife’s decision to divorce.[11]

    IT IS JUST A VERY BAD STATE OF AFFAIRS THAT YOU DIDNT RECOGNISE HIM AND TRUSTED HIM BLINDLY REMEMEBER EVEN WE CANNOT FOLLOW ISLAM BLINDLY WE HAVE TO GET AUTHENTIC PROOF TO EARN GOOD DEEDS IF THEY ARE NOT AUTHENTIC WE LAND UP IN A CURSE INSTEAD OF BLESSINGS-

    REGARDS

    • salaam ali yousuf,

      I am still struggling with him, its the month of ramadhan so yes i am praying alot for allahs guidance, i just want to clarify and hope this is not wrong, but reading or listening to darood tanjinna for any kind of problems in life is this wrong?
      I was told to read this darood for help from allah so im confused as i dont want to do anything that has an ill effect on me.
      I did mention i still love him very much and thats the hardest part of letting go, we are talking at the moment but only as friends where he will call to see how i am but still has no interest in what is going on in life or the home, if anything is needed... financial commitment has never been there and thats what hurts... i married him for love thinking we would both work hard and make something together....
      perhaps you can suggest some duas to read for easing peace in my life and also to explain where im going wrong reading or listening to darood tanjinna plse.

      hope allah keeps you safe
      shemila

      • assalamalaikum
        Dear shemila.May Allah give you the best blessings-
        ANY WAY FROM WHICH PLACE YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU LIVE-ALWAYS THE PLACE GIVES THE BACKGROUND OF PEOPLES CHARACTER -PL DONT FORGET TO WRITE THE NAE OF THE PLACE IN YR REPLY- AND THE DAROOD WHICH NABI SALALAHUALAIWASALAM HAS TUGHT THIS TANJINNA IS NOT ONE OF THOSE SO READING SOMETHING INNOVATED BY SOME ONE TAHT ALSO IN THE NAME DAROOD ITSELF IS CURSE AND TO READ AND SPREAD IS MULTIPLE CURSE BECAUSE WE RE PROPOGATING THE INNOVATORS PRODUCT MUCH AGAINST THE SUNNAH-
        Whole day today i was thinkign about you and recollecting the word that he didnt seek wht he had to seek from you and your daughters i thinkf -also needed love of a father poor things they were disappointed -1st you didnt get and they also-
        The Prophet (Pbuh) said: A female child is a blessing.[Furu al-Kafi, v.6, p.5]
        Allah had given him chance to earn a good duniya and akhirah from your house he lost and earned curse of Allah you dont know when Allah takes some one to task then he had it-

        what are the ages of your daughters pls give them maximum love and care due to these tensions they fall prey to drugs and things of that sort-

        Pls Pls be carefull be with them always give the double love of parents- i lost my father at the age of 4 and i know what is father and they had hope or not in yr 2nd marriage but they yearn for that love
        may be they dont reveal but inside their haert it will be there hamare bhi Abu hote kash-
        GIRL CHILD – A BLESSING!and the Mom and Dad – A Beautiful Companionship
        How amusing is a wee girl’s life! Her little heart fraught with teeny weeny things would always deluge in love and kindness. We all relish the solace of womanhood through a darling daughter, or a loving younger sister, or a caring elder sister, or a romantic life partner or an affectionate mother. The hearty emotions that the Most Benevolent, The Merciful Lord, has obscured in her, serve as a curing medicine for all mental obsessions. With a single smile, she could be an enormous solace.
        “Whoever has three daughters, and shelters them, bearing their joys and sorrows with patience, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will admit him to Paradise by virtue of his compassion towards them.” A man asked, “What if he has only two, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Even if they are only two.” Another man asked, “What if he has only one, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Even if he has only one.” (Mishkath)
        Prophet (PBUH), also told: “Whoever is tested with daughters and treats them well, they will be for him a shield against the Fire of Hell.” (Bukhari Muslim)
        With permission from the forum organisers-pls join this page may be you will find some solace in this tension prone life- https://www.facebook.com/BLISSOFREMARRIAGE?ref=hl
        hope you will get some happiness you deserve May Allah shower your choicest blessing on you and your daughters this ramazan
        Ameen-
        regards

    • Aslaam
      Can I ask, why you do ALWAYS type in capitals? It just seems unnecessary.

      • Salaams,

        Ali types in caps because he obtained permission from the chief editor some time ago due to an eye condition.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • ASSALAMALAIKUM
        I TOOK PERMISSION FROM THE FORUM ORGANISERS AS I HAVE LITTLE VISIBILITY PROBLEM AND MANY MAISTAKES WILL HAPPEN-
        REGARDS

  2. Dear Shemila,

    Your situation is almost similiar to mine but my reasons are different from yours. My husband came into my life as an answered prayer. We are not allowed to live to together due to rigid immigration laws. I was a single parent with one little boy. Sometimes people jump into relationships before thinking them through....it sounds like you should keep praying and just take some time for yourself and your children. You should also ask yourself what is best for me and my children. You need to think of this first. The man can take of himself. God provides. You don't owe him anything. You owe your children and yourself. I'm not telling you to be cold to your husband. Just be firm and show him that you do care but managing home is very important. Give your husband and yourself the space you need to find out what you and he wants from your relationship. Only time can tell. Keep your communication open...without communication you will have problems.

    • dear amanda,

      Thank you for your comments but i dont think i rushed into anything with him, i had known him all my life but never really thought of him as a husband...

      he promised me love, care and companionship and thats what i thought i was marrying...

      how much space do you give a husband who doesnt live with you... i have been married for nearly 6 years this year and out of those 6 months of residence really doesnt mount to much, he doesnt like communicating and will sulk for months if i dont intervene and try and contact him...

      he really has no compassion, no heart and no idea of what a marriage should be... we are talking but not as a husband and wife more as a boyfriend/galfriend... he comes and takes me to dinner and drops me home once in a while if i obviously get upset and want to spend more time he causes arguments... you tell me if this is not playing with my emotions what is...

      he wants the fun and games but not the commitment of marriage in islam where a husband has to provide for his wife, i see none of that.....

      i dont wish anyone to be in my position allah forbid....

  3. My sister is a single parent of 2 daugthers, honestly she went throw alot with her first marrige now it has been 4 years that she is separated from her ex husband. We always till her you need to get married you can't work support your daugthers by yourself, she says she will never get married she can't trust mans and she rather be by herself she is happier. So while reading your story I got tears in my eyes because your story is just like hers. Insallah everything work out for you soon. Keep praying to Allah.

    • THANK YOU MUSLIM GIRL.

      it was a very tough decision for me too, but i thought he loved me... how wrong i was. yes i also have trust issues and suffer from panic attacks.

      please also keep praying for your sister and me.

      jazakallah

    • Aslaam

      "We always tell her you need to get married you can't work support your daugthers by yourself, she says she will never get married she can't trust mans and she rather be by herself she is happier. "

      If your sister doesn't want to get married then why put pressure on her to? If she is happier being single then it is her choice, although for some reason MANY muslims think that marriage is one of the best things, reality is that some people are miserable whilst married and then happy whilst being single.

      So if she doesn't want to get married then don't put pressure on her, she will get married when SHE feels ready, not when YOU feel she is ready.

      May allah help you inshallah.

  4. Salam Shemila,

    I have been through something similar with my ex. Now im going through divorce. I had enough waiting for the man i married to appear. I also ask the question WHY did he change??? I can't believe so many women are in the same boat! I think a loving wife and children, home, food and clothes are just not enough for them! This heaven for most people living in the third world. Where as us women are happy with a loving husband and kids. We don't need anything else so we sacrifice everything for this so called husband.

    I think the biggest mistake for a women to make is giving a man money. Then he thinks everything comes easy, he doesnt have to put effort into anyhing. It looks like he just used you to get where he is now. You were just a ladder for him to climb. Men are really such great actors, they know how to emotionally play with our feelings to get what they want. Now he doesnt need anything from you so he wants out! My husband left too when i refused to tolerate his cheating, gambling, liying etc etc. I didnt go after him. Living with these men is a daily nightmare. Alhamdullilah i feel much better now. The kids are happier too.

    After hearing about these nightmare second marriages im reluctant to even think about second marriage. I cant trust any man. My husband was an angel and turned into a devil. People marry hoping for love and freindship, emotional and phisical support. But when thd husband abuses the wife life becomes a nightmare. I don't want to jump into the fire! Im better single no man to abuse me. My parents and friends keep telling me to marry before i get too old then noone will want me! Lol. But im too scared.

    But i understand its your second marriage and its much more harder for you. Ignore what people will say. Just think about you and your kids. Are you waiting to achieve something from this marriage? Are the once in a while dinner dates really worth it? I mean he doesnt live with so doesnt he have any other women in his life? He even told you to divorce so he doesn't care. You are just hanging on a thin string.

    You need to get him to stop messing around either be a proper husband or part ways. You both have to decide. Living in between especially for such a long time is only causing pain and tormoil for you and your kids. I dont know if you have already done that. But get both sides ofvthe family together and be firm that he has to live with you and pay for everything if he doesnt then this is the end. And don't give him any money. If he gets mad at you tell him firmly ' you are the husband you have to pay thats my right'!

    If it was me i wouldn't be able to live in this type of situation where you are neither married or divorced! He is just a husband by name.

    I pray ALlah gives you and your family peace.

    • Salam aliekum,

      May Allah help you sisters and give you better husbands In this duniya or the hereafter Ameen!!

      I'm single 21 year old. Sometimes I think about never getting married for many reasons. But I want to eventually have children and complete half of my deen, so I decided that I will not get married unless the person is true practicing muslim( basically a walking Quran& hadith ) that fears Allah. Insha Allah.

      There's a saying that goes " If you want a Muhammad (best man to his family) become a khadija!!

      It is quit true. That gave me the push to become a better human being, focus on gaining islamic knowledge, do things I'm supposed to do as a muslim person specially here in the west ( Dawah,etc) & Insha' Allah will reward Us with the best of this duniya or the here after.

  5. Asim, we don't force her None of my parents. Now looking back I'm
    Glad she has a good job marsallah she doesn't need a cheating husband she is doing good for now. Sometimes I wish I was single because you don't have to deal with husbands lol.

    • Aslaam

      You know not ALL husbands are bad you know? Just...a HUGE load of them lmao

      • I know if I was a sister ,..by the looks of most Muslim men,. I would avoid them. This comes from being uneducated and them not working on their own character. Sisters are so desperate to get married ,they end up lowering their standards and taking just anyone. Shame.

  6. thank you every one for making comments on this forum.. i didnt want to publise my marriage but i just wanted to know after being a single parent to daughters 24,21,16 years of age why a man suddenly feels he can come in play with your emotions beg you for marriage promising you the world, you agree thinking positive thoughts and then totally destroys your soul???

    I have been through so much with him, his mental torture, a miscarriage, his lack of support emotionally and financially... everytime he has put conditions claiming he doesnt feel comfortable living in my house even though he was aware i lived with my 3 daughters and had a home, was an independent woman... why do they suddenly start to make excuses when my situation is an open book...

    no matter what i do i know he will never commit to me and allah knows how hard i have tried to break ties with him but i genuiely fell in love with him, you may ask why.... he was a funny, happy loving caring compassionate man, he couldnt do enough for me, willing to meet me at every opportunity possible, always on the phone AND NOW its all the opposite... he argues about the littlest things expecting respect as he believes he is my MAJAZY KHUDA.... he is but when he provides, cares, loves and is decent is this not right???
    i am a allah fearing muslim and will always do things with the fear of allah, why do men like him think that allah will never get him, its the month of ramadhan and its hard for everyone and endlessly as a wife i advise him to keep fasts but his answer is they too hard, and he works and has choicen to send money to charity instead.... i work 10 hour days, i fear allah but still fast.... why do men like this feel there are different set of rules for them..

    i just ask everyone whilst the month of ramadhan please all pray for me and i hope allah gives me happiness or strength to carry on, i have 3 daughters who need me and do try but this man just ruined me emotionally and physically...
    please all pray!

    many thanks
    shemila

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply