Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father is cheating on my mother

As-salamu Alaykum,

I just created this account to seek advice as I'm not sure what to do and have been feeling very upset, angry and confused. I really, really need help and I would be extremely grateful to anyone who can give me some advice. This started 2-3 years ago so I was 16/17 at the time.

I have 3 older siblings who were all at university in a different country.  My mother was also with them making sure they were fine and being there for them when they needed her. They were all in a different country for most of the year, they would usually only come back for the holidays. This left my dad and I living together for around 3 years on our own, in a different country.

I knew my dad's password to his phone as he had told me. One day he asked me to message his friend something (as I type very quickly). When going through his chats to find this specific friend, I found a chat with another woman. At first, I didn't think anything of it as this woman was a maid, and at the time we needed one because we needed help with washing the dishes, ironing etc. as my dad worked till very late and I was still in school. I read the messages which didn't infer that he was cheating (however I did find it very weird), so I ignored what I saw and put it to the back of my mind. However, a few months went by and I start noticing the same woman's chat popping up and I would read messages that seemed very flirty to me. Again, I ignored it and put it to the back of my mind as I was preparing for my exams and was already stressed out enough - I tried to avoid looking at my father's phone from then onwards.

During the last year of my school (nearly a year ago) I went on my father's phone after a long time and saw more messages - he had asked the same woman to send an explicit picture. After that, I went on my dad's phone 2-3 more times before the summer and noticed he kept deleting his chats with her. Also, I had cried in school one day thinking about it and talked to 2 of my teachers about what I saw - they gave me support for the rest of the year until my exams.

After the summer I had to go to university in a different country, and my dad lived alone. I've recently just come back with my mother and siblings to visit him and see friends during the winter holidays. Today, I went on my father's phone and saw that he was talking to a different woman - the messages I saw gave me confirmation that he has met up with this woman multiple times while I've been away at university and that they had planned on seeing each other everyday after my mother, siblings and I left.

I'm so angry and disgusted - I know I'm not the perfect Muslim and I have no right to judge, but how can my father do this? I'm not giving him any excuses, but is it because my mother is not around for a long period of time? I would go on my father's phone before any of this happened, and when my mother would go on short holidays to go see her own mother, nothing like this happened - is her not being around for so long urging him to do this?

My mother is not educated. She is extremely reliant on my father, so I know if I ever tell her she would probably never leave him. I just can't look at my father the same way I used to.  I put it in the back of my mind and forget about it, causing me to love my father and allowing us to have a good relationship. However, it can pop up in my head sometimes and it makes me so angry and sick to my stomach. I've told my 7 closest friends and they've tried to give me advice, but I need some Islamic help. I've been wanting to confront my dad about it, but I'm scared he'll cut me off (won't give me any money, kick me out the house etc). My dad has a very big ego and I feel like confronting him with the truth will make him angrier. I don't want this to ruin my family. I've been dealing with this for 2-3 years, and been in denial.

I just need someone to help me and give me some advice on what I should do. Thank you.

-islam0748


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6 Responses »

  1. Asalamo alaikum brother/sister,

    Reading your post made me recognize the almost exact same situation that I found myself in, nearly 2 years ago.
    My dad cheated on my mother as well, and I found out by being able to read his whatsapp messages.
    I was extremely mad as as well, and I ended up discussing it with my younger brother. Eventually I showed my mother, who is also very reliant on my dad as well, all the messages that I had made screenshots of. My mother eventually confronted my dad.
    In short, I would like to urge you to confront your dad with your findings. It may seem scary, but I don't think it's necessary to tell you that your father is committing a very grave sin, which is zina. So for that sake alone, you should confront him. As for the rest, make sure you're able to contact your family members, uncles etc.
    Your dad may become very angry at first, but eventually he will be extremely embararassed. That's why you need to be in touch with family members who could possibly talk some sense in to him, if necessary.
    In my situation, my dad didn't get angry, but he was extremely ashamed. He even cried and asked us to forgive him.
    Remember, if you don't take action, you will not only be mentally occupied handling this misery all day long, but your dad will probably also continue talking to that low/cheap woman and committing grave sins. Try thinking about your mother. As a son, it's infurating to realize your mother is being cheated on. No son wants to see his own mother betrayed.
    I don't think you should be afraid of your dad throwing you out of the house. I was afraid of this as well initially.
    When your dad realizes he could possibly lose all of his respect in front of his children, he will inshaAllah take his responibility. Plus, other family members could turn their backs on your dad as well.
    So for Allah's sake, dear brother/sister, have the courage to put an end to this. About the judging part, I think you have relevant reasons to inform your dad's activities. So you're not judging at all. Your mom has a right to know what is going on.
    I will pray for you, inshAllah.
    May Allah swt make it easier for you.

  2. Suggest to your mom that she must stay with your father and leave the grown up kids on their own . As you said all siblings are in different countries and mom can stay only with one sibling at a time so the other are living without her then why your mom lives with your father and take care of your siblings as she does when she is away from the other ones. I think it is not your farther’s fault be cause man can not live such a long time without wife. Your mother should realize the importance of such matters. My advice for you is do not confront with your father rather convenience your mother to stay with your father.

    • Have u spoken to the other woman he is having this affair with? Could u contact her? Tell him to leave your dad alone?
      You need to ask your mother to return home and stay with her husband

    • Ummm wow, since when is it okay to cheat??!!!! . So it’s the mothers fault for leaving the dad to want to take care of her kids? To be honest, even the mother is alone when it comes to the matters of the heart and might also have physical urges but she’s obviously suppressing it, idk why people think only men have urges. The conclusion should be, a married couple no matter how old or young, shouldn’t spend a lot of time being apart from eachother, Khalas!

  3. He's probably married to her in secret don't assume the worst Maybe she could be his second wife so what is the issue??? Your dad is clearly entitled to marry another woman and I think he should as his needs are not being met. Your mother is not doing the job of a wife so can you blame him?? Next time instead of spying on his private life and exposing it to everyone who will of course gossip about why not speak to him?

    • Asslaamualaykum Brother Ahmed,

      There is no such thing as a secret marriage in Islam. Marriage must be announced, even if in a small way. The wife and kids should definitely know if there is a second wife, which isn't the case here.

      I agree with the comment above that the mother needs to loosen her leash on her grown children, not only in the interests of her husband, but in the interests of the children as well.

      Nor

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