Not sure if I should marry this married man
Bismillah arahmaniraheem asoa
I am unmarried and I like one married man. He has a child also but he proposed to me and I did istekhara many times but I did not understand. Anyway I inform to my Mom and she is also agree after istekhara still my heart not change.I mean, some people say if after istekhara we change our mind it means this thing is not good for us.
Now for me the problem in my family is that only my Mom and I'm living out of the country. This man is working with me and we are agreed to get married but some people dont want us to marry because he is out of nationality and also they say he has 2 children and I'm cruel and that GOD will punish me if I got married with him.
He say he can afford 2 wives and also he doesn't want to leave his first wife. Also for me, I don't have objection to his first wife but now only my Mom agree with me. But other people are always making trouble for me because they dont want me to marry with him. Really now I don't know what I have to do.
I did many time istekhara but not understand please tell me according to the Islamic way: am I going the wrong way?
- nabia
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Why are women like you homing in on unavailable men? Yeah, yeah, polygamy is allowed for men. But in this day and age, how many women will be willing to share their husband? What a lack of respect this man has for his wife and kids feelings by cavorting with you.
You need to back off and keep your distance. You have behaved in an inapporpriate manner by getting close to this man. You say you don't mind sharing him? Well since you already got attached to him when he's already married then no wonder you have that sentiment.
If you do get married, assuming both wives will be housed separately, you will soon resent it when the husband goes off to his first wife and is not available to you. You are just overcome by lust and coveting another womans man. What about his child. Did you ever spare a thought for what impact this has on a child? Do you honestly think that you'll happily share this man or are you hoping the first wife will clear off after discovering you?
Can't your mom give you better advice than chasing after a married man? Even if he was the one who initiated improper contact, you have a brain, so couldn't you have told him to clear off? Or was you too busy being flattered? Some women are so undignified.
Go and find a single man by the proper channels.
How can u judge this woman? Lucky ur not in her situation. Ur response was useless. U had not helped at all. U sound so bitter. Maybe ur husband did that to u.
Let's look at the facts:
He's married, not willing to leave his previous wife, he's told you he has one child, but others are telling you he has two children.
You are willing to share him.
He does not have the proper nationality to live in your country.
(Alarm bells should be ringing by now).
We don't know if wife #1 is willing to share him, and if the children are willing to share him.
Below are two scenarios that are taken from experiences amongst my friends and relations:
Scenario 1: She knows and has given her permission. This could mean that they are using you as a way to get the proper nationality and then he'll be able to arrange for his family to come over. This could lead to two things, one divorce for you if he doesn't really love you, or two: you being stuck waiting for him because a family of three will always demand more from his time than a second wife alone. Also, if the children are old enough to go to school the father might try and get a head start by calling his children over alone and enrolling them into local schools, and you'll end up looking after them until their mother joins them.
Scenario 2: Wife #1 and her children don't know and they'll feel betrayed that their dad has been chasing another woman. This could also lead to the #1 feeling humiliated, deceived, unloved, ugly etc etc. I suppose you could stampede over the wifes feelings, after all she has no say in the matter whether her heart breaks or not, but would you be willing to break the children's hearts as well? And if he can treat his first wife that way, he can do it to you too.
Don't for a second think that this man is all alone and when he's married to you you'll be able to control him because there will be no in-laws or extended family from his side to deal with.
If you are seriously thinking of going ahead with this, you should contact his first wife yourself, directly, and ask her how she feels and if she is willing. Because if she's not, when she finds out, she'll start defending her investment of time and love over all those years by making trouble for you.
I agree with laali. Make sure u his first wife knows. Plus exactly how many kids does he have? And who r these peoples telling u all this?! I thnk personally u shouldn't mess arnd with this guy. If he is doin this to his first wife who has a kid, after he gets u, who to say he wont trap another women and make her fall for him. Plus u do realize that u might break the first wife relationship?! Wat if she asks for divorce.?! Would u b able to live knowing u broke someones home? So talk to wife, see how she feels, understand the situation better, then make the decisions. Inshallah u will make the write one.
Assalam-o-alaikum,
Sister, its good that you asked for a "mashwara" about a possible problem in your life even by doing this you are following the path of islam and may Allah reward you for this.
Coming to your question, I can request you to put yourself in different shoes.
First consider yourself this man's first wife, do you think if your husband went behind your back to marry another woman you will like it. Then consider the child or children of this man. And imagine your father marrying and bringing in your second mother in home without your consultation, what will you think about your father and his second wife while your mother is at home.
In other words you have to think about not only the first wife but her children as well.
Secondly, I'll like you to consider this situation, where one of the sisters on this forum had similar problems:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/secret-second-marriage/
In this situation the first wife is asking for a divorce and the sister and her husband as well as his first wife are in a very difficult situation. You have similar situation and your marriage can lead you to break the first marriage.
I can only say that please take lesson from this situation. And if you still REALLY want to marry this guy, first try to make sure that the man's first wife is ready for his second marriage and she knows about it. I do not know what islam says about children in this case whether we should ask them or not, but in my humble opinion they'll agree to what their mother is going to say.
Thirdly, try to find out if this man has one or two children, if he has two then clearly he is telling lies to you and I think a strong building of marriage cannot be built based on lies. A lie where a person is completely ignoring existence of one of his children.
Fourthly, from your question its my deduction that you are in western country where there are much more facilities and his first wife is in a country where living standards are not as high as your country. There are TWO possibilities. Either he keeps his first wife in her country and lives with you. Which I think is utterly wrong since he is not fulfilling his first wife's rights as he is fulfilling yours and is also being completely unjust to his children. Also how can he claim that he is just with the wives while one wife lives in a high living standard country and the other lives in low living standards country. The second possibility is that he brings his first wife to the higher living standard country once he gets Nationality. What is the guarantee that he will still be with you once he brings his family over. And I am not a rich person but I think its quite difficult to provide good living standard to your wife and children what to talk about two...
I mean there are so many questions that arise in your case... and only you can make the right decision and live with it. As far as your mother is concerned, in my humble opinion sometimes we love someone so much that we start to do somethings that we'll not do in normal situations.Since children are one of the biggest test for parents. As its mentioned in Quran, Chapter 8, Aayat 27:28
"O you who believe! Betray not Allah and His Messenger, nor betray knowingly your Amanat (things entrusted to you, and all the duties which Allah has ordained for you). And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial and that surely with Allah is a mighty reward. "
i think your love is a test for your mother and may Allah help your mother make right decisions for you and herself.And may Allah help us all in bringing up our children such that we don't do anything that is disliked by him or his Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w)
These are few thoughts in my mind, I hope they help you in some way and may Allah guide you to reach the right decision.
regards,
Concerned, thank you this very thoughtful and complete response.
Wael
IslamicAnswes.com Editor
If he stole from you he isn't a honest Muslim and do not love you : sunni Ali Sad thing