His first wife has discovered our secret marriage and is asking for a divorce
Assalamu alaikum my dear brothers and sisters in Islam!
I neeed your advice. I am the second wife of a Muslim man, I am also Muslim, ours was a love marriage. Our marriage was kept secret from his first wife and his parents.
However, recently his first wife came to know about me and she now wants to divorce him. He does not want to lose her and I also do not want to lose him. He has 2 children with her and one child with me.
I am confused about what to do now..please guide me
- nadia2010
53 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Its a bit late you asking for advice now. If you had asked for advice at the start where you started messing around with a married man, then you would have been told to back off!
You say you had a secret 'love' marriage. How is it that a MARRIED man has a second marriage that is a 'love' marriage? He already has children with his first wife, so what is his excuse? Most likely from what you have said, is that you began an affair, then tried to sanction it by having a secret marriage.
Some women are appallingly shameless. He'll do it to you with a third wife, what else can you expect?
Didn't you even spare a thought for his wife and kids? Of course not. Lust doesn't make room for a conscience.
His first wife has a right to demand divorce since he has betrayed her in the most evil way by sneaking around with you and engaging in an affair and then secretly getting married.
You and this man have destroyed the first wife and her children and your own child because of your own selfishness. The woman ought to divorce, cos her lowlife husband cannot be trusted at all after this.
Well said! How selfish and cruel of you to form ties with a married man and father. How would you feel if he cheated on you and you found out years later! It would hurt and destroy you!!! What on earth are you confused about? You have got what you wanted, he's married you now you can live happily ever after at the expense of his first wife! You have played a part in destroying a family, hope you feel remorse for this! I have no sympathy for women who mess about with married men, nor for married men who despite being content with their wives still have affairs!!!
It's not right to talk to this person like this, it's NEVER only the woman's fault, you are the one who should feel ashamed for judging her this way, it's for Allah to judge, not us, not you
I can understand where your coming from Anne. And apologies if my comment comes across as judgmental. I just feel it's wrong for a woman to get involved with a man she knows is married unless its done in the correct manner, and I'm not sure what this would be. I'm not saying it's just the woman's fault but she has a responsibility, she knew that this man has a wife who he was lying to and cheating on for her. She as a woman should have known how hurtful it would be to the first wife to find out that her husband had secretly married another. I have been cheated on by my husband, he kept it hidden. But when I found out it destroyed me and the marriage. This behaviour by both of them was irresponsible.
Not all men CHEAT on their wives. Some wives are not good enough to fulfil their duties and despite of being warned by others, they don't care. When their worst fear turn into reality then only they realise their mistakes that is of no use. Then they try to play as a VICTIM to gain sympathies.
P.S. have seen genuine cases.
Your husband can not have everything he wants! His first wife has right to leave him and get khula! Both of you should of thought of that before you secretly and dishonestly got married. Now he needs to accept your his wife and accept the loss of his other wife! The other wife deserves a better husband and a better life!
Hopeful I loved your reply!! Awsome
Wow!! Someone has asked for advice and you insulted her in a best possible way. If you don't have good things to say, no need to be judgemental and bash her. Peace.
U should meet this woman and ask her forgiveness. Because what u guys did was very wrong. You should of known not to b messing arnd with a married man. Let her get a divorce, then he will b urs altogether. Have a wonderful life cuz it seems like he wasn't with his first. If he did this to his first wife, who to say he won't do it again with u. The excitement of doin something wrong is fun due to the adrenaline rush, once Tats over with u, good luck.
Salam, sister
I don't agree with everything hopeful said (hopeful, why must you be so judgmental ?! and what gives you the right to assume that the sister had an affair with the guy before they were married ?!! Allah yahdeek.).
You're a second wife and polygamy is permissible in islam, so, legally, you are in your absolute right to be married to this man. I personally am against polygamy. It's not haraam, but it's not encouraged either. When Ikrima Bin Abi Jahl suggested that Ali Bin Abi Taleb, the Prophet's cousin, marry his sister when Ali was already married to the Prophet's daughter Fatma, the Prophet (pbuh) said that even though polygamy was halaal, if Ali wanted to take a second wife, he would have to divorce his daughter first ! "Fatma is a part of me, he said, and what hurts her, hurts me"
Why would you want to hurt your sister in Islam ? You never meant for her to ever find out, but still.
But what's done is done. I think there's not much you can do. Your husband has to decide wether he wants to stay with you and lose his first wife or lose you and stay with her (that is if she decides to forgive him, which I don't think she ever will given how much he has hurt her). Just wait and see, and hope for the best.
Whatever happens, know that Allah knows best what's good for you.
Salam.
Salaams Angelmr,
You are too soft. The author of this post has said
' ...ours was a love marriage. Our marriage was kept secret from his first wife and his parents.'
1) How does a married man have a 2nd marriage that is classed as a love marriage? How do they develop 'love' without engaging in improper behaviour? This doesn't even have to go as far as illicit intimate relations, but for a married man to covet another woman, flirt maybe or woo her when he has a wife sitting at home, is just plain wrong.
2) The woman must have known he was married hence their marriage was done in secret. Why keep it a secret? No proper ceremony, his parents kept in the dark. Is it because they felt they were doing a wrong?
3) The issue is not on polygamy, but the deceptive nature of the husband and this other womans role in it too. Love?! Why did this woman allow herself to become involved in this matter when the man was already married? She cruelly spared no thought for his first wife and kids. Now all she's worried about is that she's gonna lose out to the first wife.
So that's not exactly judgemental. What else could you think when a second wife says hers was a secret love marriage.
At the end of the day it will be Allah who judges the reasons why this couple did their marriage in secret. Its not an ideal situation, we all know this, but they will have reasons why they couldn't be open, it's not for is to judge.
I really liked your response anne end of the day a lot of the asian community especially female that have had a bad experience e.g having a forced marriage via parents always take it offensive if a man marries a second wife what they dont understand is that if a marriage is forced upon a couple it is haraam n unlawful same goes for the kids, this is why alot of men out there end up meeting their true soul mate n settle down secretly bcos they know the consequences n reactions of a lot of asian women that dont have an understanding and have a foreign mentality of people from India n Pakistan you have to understand n see that there is a quote in hadeeth where a man/woman goes to the prophet (pbuh) and states i have had a marriage forced upon me without my consent our prophet (pbuh) advises go n marry one of your choice because your marriage to the first one is null/void.
You have to understand things happen for a reason no1 plans that i am gonna have an affair wid so n so its only the ones that play around here and there you can call it affairs but what you dont realise n understand is Allah has made us all in pairs n there is sum1 for every1 u cant help who u fall for its destined thru allah ladies that have had bad experiences u will only understand when you truly fall in love with sum1 that you had never imagined. This is the reason why they say love is blind. Live Love Laugh!!! Life is too short guys.
Walaykum Assalam, Omg Thankyou Angelmr,
You See I Am Personally Against Polygamy Too, Buh Because In Islam It Was Halal,
I Used To Feel Am Wrong, As If Islam Agree's To It Then It Must Be For Ones Best Interest,
Buh I Could Never Come To Terms With The Fact, How Can A Women Share Her Husband,
And I Always Respected And Admired People Who Did That, However Never Wished To Be In The Same Position, Buh Now That You Have Narrated A Hadith, I Feel So Much Better To Realise Prophet Mohammad (P.b.u.h) Didn't Encourage It,
x
Salam Sister A
I heard that Hadith from Ali Jumaah, the Mufti of Egypt, a great scholar of Islam.
You know, even the Quran Itself says that a man is allowed to take more than one wife IF he feels he can treat them both (or all) equally, and then the verse goes on to say : wa lan ta'dilu ("and you will not treat them equally"). You see ?
Have a nice day !
Wafa
If i was in the first wife position i would divorce and found out he had a secret wife i would divorce him i mean yukkk he has sexual intercourse with another and i didnt know about it then he wana come 2me and satisfy himself wana udhu billah thats byond my limits.i dont blame the first wife.and yes you messed with a married man and you both were selfish thinking about your ownselfs.
Salaam
You are married to him and have a child. Having married him in secret was not a good idea, but it's already done. I don't think you have anything to do now - this is your husband's problem right now. I don't understand what is confusing you, actually. You had no problem marrying him in secret - now that Allah SWT has revealed the secret, you say you are confused? Or is it more embarrassed, perhaps afraid to face his family? We all have to face the consequences of our actions - you will now have to face a period of perhaps resentment and distrust and anger from his family, whether his first wife insists on a divorce or not. You will have to bear it and make the most of it, unless you want to lose him as well.
Salaam.
Salam, Sister!
If the first wife will devorse your husband, good for you.
But always sad for the children involved.
I don't know if it is possible to be one big family and look after the children together...
It is my dream, snce I am in the similar situation as yours, just the secret is still a secret.
But at least to tell the first wife you are sorry is very important.
I wish you good luck.
God bless you.
As salamualaikum
The prophet Muhammad (SAW) Did not encourageTHAT marriage bc she was not a believer. That's why he said he would have to divorce his daughter first. Polygamy is permitted as long as he can treat u fairly and that does not concern him with treated u fairly with the heart bc that is not possible. It is up to you're husband now sister as it was up to him not to tell her about you.
Actually the daughter of Abu Jahl WAS a Muslim. The last time I read those hadiths one hadith read that the Prophet [SAW] forbade Ali[ra] from marrying again as long as Fatima [RA] was alive. There is also one version which talked about the jealousy that had entered Fatima [RA]'s heart and this was the reason cited for the Prophet [SAW]'s objection to hat marriage.
Salam,
What you did by holding your realationship a secret was wrong you should have tried to tell the ppl who meant something to you however that has been done and i understand the pressure you may have been under to hide it now it has come out in the open tell the other wife you want her forgiveness and you both have children off this man it is permissable in islam to have up to 4 wifes so what is wrong with evey oneyou cannot change the direction of wind but you may adjust the sails to accomadate the wind we need to understand this life is a blink of the eyes true life begins in the hear after be strong have faith eveything happens for a reason which we must not question take care i hope this helps you sister.
JazakAllah
salam everyone. Polygamy is allowed in islam and dont forget the hadith says: You are not a true believer till you love for your brother/sister wat u love for yourself.
in the last days for every man we'll have 50 women so we cant be like christians and have just one wife. Moreover many of us men have a high libido so we need polygamy. Its not a requirement to tell the first wife for the 2nd nikah to be valid. As long as four conditions are met the nikah is valid
1. a wali for the girl
2. mahar
3.two witnesses
4. acceptance from both bride & groom
abu shakir, have you ever heard of the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) or any of the Sahabah, or any of the Salaf, having a second wife and keeping it secret from the first? There is no such thing as secret marriage in Islam. Secrecy in relationships is a mark of illicitness and is not appropriate for a believer. That's why having a waleemah is a part of the marriage tradition, because it celebrates a happy occasion and publicizes it to society.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wallahi sah akhi - JezakAllahu khayr!
Of course, polygamy is permitted but it is not recommended and numerous Arab and Indo-Pak scholars have ruled that a second marriage is unwise in our times. Pleease don't forget the hadith where Hadhrat Muhammad[SAW] forbade his son-in-law from marrying a second wife til his daughter lived. This is why Hadhrat Ali [RA] only did polygamy once Fatima [RA] died. We will have 50 women??? I thought the limit was 4. 50 women is intended as a reference to the number of women a man wil have to take care of, which includes ALL female relations. Others say that every man will have 50 mistresses. Just because we have a high libido gives us no excuse to marry for fun. There are strict conditions for polygamy which most of us can not fulfill.
HI...
DO NOT GET UP SET MY DEAR SISTER. AS YOU ARE A MUSLIM BELIEVE IN QURAN. ISLAM PERMITS TO HAVE FOUR WIVES , IF HE IS CAPABLE TO MAINTAIN THEM EQUALLY IN STATUS AND DIGINITY. SO PLEASE DO NOT UP SET THAT MAN WHO GAVE YOU A BEETER LIFE... LAWS AND RULES ARE MADE BY HUMAN BEINGS FOR THEIR OWN SELFISH NESS. THESE LAW LIKE MONO GAMY AND POLY GAMY WERE EXISTED IN PREVIOUS DAYS ALSO.
SO GO AHEAD WITH YOUR LIFE.........
ISHWAR ALLAH TERE NAM SAB KO SAN MATI DE BHAGWAN........
I AGREE WITH HOPEFUL SHE IS NOT BEING JUDGEMENTAL SHE IS STATING THE FACTS
Hi,
The problem with secret marraige is that alot of your rights as a wife is not fullfilled, its an ugly life to live, and alot of sacrifices are made from your behalf. Espicially that u dont get to meet his parents and not appear in any occasion with him and will always be unknown within his circle of friends and family which really hurts and hard to adapt. Besides all that, having children from his first wife makes everything much worse coz even when he divorces the first, he will have a past which he cant ignore and will always be attached by his children and in this case u will not appear within thier premises and he will also be having a second life you know nothing about, besides your own child might not know his sisters or brothers. Its a mess, I dont think your husband will leave you, he will cling more on to you as you are the only thing left for him as his first marraige is distroyed, not by you or fully by him, but partaily himself and his first wife, as she dont have the patience to accept a second wife for the sake of her children. To be honest with I prefer that as long as he will not be equal between both of you that he just divorce her and invlove his kids within his new life with both of you and your baby.
Thank you so much dreamer!
Asalaamu alaykium sister,
Look, from the very beginning, you should of told the brother, To let his first wife know about you. That should of been a condition you set. No matter how many tears she cries, and tantrums she pulls, she had the right to know.
If he wasn't willing to inform her, then get over him, and you should have moved on.
That is why, Sheikhs advise us, "there is no romance before Nikah"
Keep it business like.
I think you need to go to a Sheikh and find out if your marriage is valid, i don't think you can have a secret marriage in Islam,
AA brothers and sisters.
what everyone here is failing to look at is social context. Yes, the Sahabah never had secret wives because polygamy was socially acceptable and there was no pressure on them not to engage in it, nor could their wives object to the practice. It was an expected and accepted norm. In our time, polygamy is a crime in most countries and in the Muslim imagination it is greater than zina. When a man wants to marry another wife, should he announce it to his existing wife she would most likely leave him even if he did it openly and honourably. Moreover, his entire society will be against it and people will interfere in his marriages and most likely make life unbearable as if it is not already difficult to have more than one wife. I don't agree with secret marriages in principal, but you need to ask yourselves the question as to whether you would rather your husbands had secret relationships outside of marriage, because frankly that is easier?
Yaseen,
I would rather my husband had no intimate relation at all with another woman. That a believer would commit zina is a very rude allegation. So no thank you, I don't need to ask myself that question.
I know of no men who have mistresses. Where I live, men stay at home with their children just as much as the wives, they cook and clean and support their wives in everything. This builds love and mutual respect as well as keeps the men from running around after other women. The best cure for a man who can't keep his private parts to himself is not fasting I believe, but changing dirty diapers, driving kids to school, nursing kids with night fevers, doing the dishes - that will keep him in the right place and it will also make him love and admire his wife more! So why don't you try that before you start thinking about zina or plural wives?
And remember Abu Shakir: it actually says "Want for your brother what you want for yourself" - brother! not sister.
As salaamu alaikum Sahaddita.
How can you imply that the brothers are the only ones entitled to ikram?
The correct comment is O' you believing muslims, none of you truly believe until you want for your brother or sister what you want for yourselves.
With that being said I want for my sister to have her own husband!
Furthermore in the world of sinning, and women need to open their eyes, the vast majority of men have mistresses or casual relationships. I advise non - Muslim men who are not governed by our Shariah to rather have a steady mistress, and not sleep around with many women. I do not believe that it even punishable because in a different society these same men would have much preferred to have second wives in the open. Who really wants to go tip toeing around? I personally have tried more than once to have things in the open in a Western society and I have found that it doesn't work. Everyone is against polygamy, frankly, should I desire another woman I might have to consign myself to a secret marriage (not because that is what I want, but because that is the lesser of two evils (zina or marriage?).
Assalam alaikum,
No one can deny that polygamy exists and I don't want to debate about it, but your argument about zina vs. marriage...where you actually mean zina vs. secret marriage is not correct. Eventually, if a man doesn't introspect and change himself, he will always ask himself this question--a 2nd wife isn't the solution, when temptations keep getting the better of him. When he comes to his fourth secret marriage, and is still asking himself the same question, he should perhaps ask himself if the question he is asking is the right one afterall. If a man is going to pursue polygamy, he has to be able to openly deal with its consequences and think deeper than just zina vs. marriage.
I don't know why this woman has been slated for being in a polygamous marriage. Polygony is allowed in lslam, if women like it or not.
Almighty Allah said men can have up to four wives. I myself am also in a polygamous marriage for the past five years.
I embraced lslam just after marrying my husband, and the marriage was also done in secret because he said his first wife wouldn't be able to take the fact he married again and he was afraid of losing his children. I asked him many times to tell her about our relationship, because l wanted it out in the open and for all parties to be aware of each other involvement, l told my family, but he didn't tell his. It has been a struggle to keep our marriage going, despite the fact l love him greatly, we have many disagreements mainly because of the fact that l dont get equal treatment because to his first wife, our marriage is still secret.
I knew nothing whatsoever about lslam when l married him, didn't realise how bad keeping the marriage a secret was, l thought it was allowed, but l would strongly recommend others not to marry in secret, because Allah gave women the right to fair and equal treatment, and this does NOT happen when its hidden.
The last thing l want to say is, Muslim women know about Polygony, they are brought up knowing their husband May take another wife, yet many refuse to accept what Allah has written, and treat women who marry their husband like they are vermin, which is totally unfair. I was a catholic, never dreamed in a million years l would be in a situation like this, yet, l accept fully my husband has to be with his first family and don't want his marriage to her to break up. I've accepted what Allah has written for me, why do so many Muslim women find it so difficult to do the same
Why do so many Muslim women find it so difficult to accept polygamy? Why do so many Muslim men find it so difficult to be upfront about their secret marriages?
The problem essentially lies in both men and women--especially if we think that polygamy is for every man and for every women--it is halal, but it isn't the best for everyone--yet, it is the best choice for others.
The stigma behind polygamy is that often men use it as a weapon by saying "If you don't change your ways, I'll remarry." - the message that is received is "You will be demoted." This wasn't the purpose of polygamy--it wasn't about lowering the status of woman, but it has somehow become the answer to "I met a woman, and I'm married...now what?" So, in essence, I believe that polygamy can be beneficial WHEN and IF it is used by a man who is already in a successful marriage decides to pursue--as opposed to, a man in a failing marriage uses it to "patch up" his life.
Anne you as well betrayed the other wife by marrying in secret this man. This is dishonest and she has a right to know even if he is allowed to marry without her consent it is still very dishonest and you as well as your husband are both dishonest. Where is your conscious? Many women do not care for other peoples feelings and this is also wrong although I understand you are a new Muslim and you probably were very much in love which can make women blind at times. But think of the other wife wondering all the time where her husband is spending his time? This too me seems very Unislamic in context of the Quran and many hadith. Honesty is very very important in Islam. So even though men have the right to marry without the first wife's permission this is very dishonest!
Merva
Yes, l agree that it is dishonest of me to not tell the co wife that l am also married to our husband, and you can't imagine how much l would love this out in the open. I wanted to tell her from the very beginning but my husband won't because he doesn't want to lose his children's respect. They are 14,17, and 19.
I don't take any pleasure in going behind anyone s back, I've always considered myself an honest person and don't like hurting anyone, not at all.
I did love and still love my husband very much, and l know this is not a good excuse to have not told her, but l have to stand by what he needed to make it work.
I'm not as you may imagine running round having great fun and enjoying my life while she sits alone crying, far from it, it's me who sits alone crying most of the time, me who gets left behind while she goes to family functions, and holidays, etc.
The only reason l even wrote about this was because if l can stop even one woman from entering a secret marriage it will be worthwhile.
The fact is, l didn't go into this witty my eyes wide open. I loved him a lot, he said he loved me a lot, and we are now in this situation.
This is such a dofficult position for both wives to be in. I feel for you because your being kept a secret which is degrading but I also feel for the first wife who trusts her husband and doesn't think there is anyone else in his life. He is lying to her and his children on a daily basis. He's not giving you equal rights to his first wife. He could go on to have a third wife that you may never know about, this is cowardly behavioir on his part. He's made a mess of things.
All women are different. And sometimes women use this to hurt other women and feel better then the first or second wifes. I personaly need a loyal husband and I know many women feel that way and that is our right as well. Women play games as well as the men involved in this. At the least the woman has the right to ask for khula. I do not think anyone should be forced to remained married in this situation as force is unislamic. But I am sure others would think women need to just swallow the bitter pill. Women are not helpless anymore and can work and care for themselves. They do not need to accept staying as a second wife. Although in some countries women still are completely dependent on a man and have no independence at all.
Each women should have a choice and if she is open to other wives then that is her choice,but if she can not accept this she has a right to leave her husband and get a khula if he is so happy with the other wives then he needs to accept the loss. He can not have everything he wants all the time. When you look at it truthfully what man actually has time for more then one wife and children? How many hours are in the day? Can he give time to the different wives Equally? Women are not just in need of economic care and if that is all marriage is about then they can stay with their families. Marriage is more and involves time care,compassion and love.
It truly does depend on the people involved and how mature and pious are they as well as very compassionate and loving? The woman should always have a choice to get out of a marriage like this. Love is not feeling trapped and stucked and being triangulated with other women which often happens. No one can be like the Prophet Muhammed (pbu).
There are many reasons why men want to take another wife. Allah has made it lawful for them to do so. Yes, in an ideal situation we would all love our husband to be just for us. But Allah in his wisdom made this possible, and only he knows the full reasoning behind it.
Also, many Muslims don't follow what Allah has written. They find it hard or impossible to accept another woman being married to their husband and this is why many men feel the need to keep it from them.
As l said before, it's not an ideal situation to do it in secret, far from it, but men are feeling they don't have much choice if the woman they are married to, and they don't want to lose, won't accept Allah's rulings
Anne but the truth is that women should also have a choice to say no to this. Often the secret life of the husband eventually breaks up marriages. The woman has the right to know the truth whether or not the husband is afraid she will find out or not. This should be discussed before marriage. A man who wants several wives should be open in the beginning and only marry another woman who is open to this. You have suffered a lot as well through this and it shows that this situation does not work well and almost impossible to give the wives equal treatment. There are plenty of men who want only one wife out there and so many women can marry a man in Islam like this. It is a myth that all men need several wives. It also says in the Quran'' to marry only four but if a husband can not be equal to all the wives then it is better that he should only marry one'' Some scholars believe that this actually means that it is better for a man then to marry only one woman. It does not say that a man has to marry several wives in Islam. It is just allowed if the man can give equal love and financial responsibility to each woman he marries and usually most do not and can not and just do this for selfish reasons. We women tend to let ourselves get treated poorly and we need to be stronger in this way.
What makes us human is we have freedom of choice in our lives. If a woman has no choice in this situation then she is no longer an adult but a child or worse yet a slave to men. This is not Islamic! A man who can not tell his wife he wants another is a coward and very selfish. He is acting like a spoiled child who wants everything and this kind of man is not worth marrying. I am sorry for your situation as it sounds as if you are neglected and this is abuse as well. Ask Allah for forgiveness,pray and make lots of dua for what to do in your situation that is fair and ethical to the other wife. May Allah guide you.
Thanks for your comments Merva, l do understand completely what your talking about, and if l could go back five years to when l first met my husband and he pursued me and relentlessly asked me to get married, no matter how much l loved him, l would not do it until he told his first wife about me, because as I've said, secret marriages are not the way to go. I was at a stage in my life where l was so alone, still am really, and l was very vulnerable to falling in love with him. I knew NOTHING about polygony or Islam, and did the marriage this way because l thought it was ok. I wanted it to be ok, l admit that.
He's a good man, he prays give times a day and is always at the masjid. I just really and truly thought it was alright to marry him secretly as he asked.
I know l May pay for this on judgement day, but what's happened has happened. I love him, and will always love him. I ask Allah through dua to make this situation easier, l ask Allah to give him the courage to tell his first wife the truth, it's in Allah's hands.
"In Islam those who commit a sin, those who aid and abet in committing a sin and those who are silent witnesses to it and do not stop it are all considered partners in crime. The distinction of the Muslim is that he enjoins promotes and helps in what is right and stops what is wrong. A Muslim must act for the good. There is no concept of a Muslim being a silent witness to wrongdoing. There are many evidences of this in the Quran and Sunnah. So the one who does not stop the evil and in stead participates in it, even if only passively, is considered a partner of the evil doer" Source: Understanding Islam - 52 Friday Lectures: Keys to Leveraging the Power of Islam, by Mirza Yawar Bai.
Assalam alaikum Anne,
I guess this is the point. Islam allows men to marry unto 4 women, but look--your husband, as per you, pursued you relentlessly until you married him--he decided to do that because he knows, that as a married man, he can marry another woman, so even though it was haram for him to do it, he justified it by saying he could marry you--do you see where i'm going with this? So, essentially, if we applied this to women, we could say it is ok for a single woman or a man (not yet married to 4 women) to engage in this behaviour--and this isn't Islamic--so justifying for a married man, just because he can marry another, is wrong.
Yes, Allah swt, in His Great Wisdom, allowed this--no problem. But, it is we, mere humans, that twist His rules and justify and rationalize His rules for getting what we want. Allah swt allowed polygamy--but did Allah swt say to go ahead with secret marriages?
You have said that you didn't enter this with eyes wide open--and what about the first wife? She didn't either. Truthfully, this isn't fair to her, to you, to her children or yours--it is wrong.
And he may be a good man--may Allah give him strength to uphold his duties--but going to the Masjid and praying 5 times a day are not the only things that make us good. This is why this judgement, of good and bad, is reserved for Allah swt.
I hope that your marriage stops being secret inn shaa Allah and I hope that both you and his first wife can get along amicably. May Allah swt help you, your husband and his first wife in this situation, Ameen.
Assalamu alaikum sisters and brothers. I would like to comment on this subject and share my story as I was a first wife to a born Muslim husband. I am an Irish revert Muslim of 11 years. I was married to a brother who took a polish kufaar woman behind my back and said it was a secret second marriage and they got a child all of which was hidden until I found it all on Facebook and on his old mobile phone. My ex-husbands friends and half the Islamic community in my home town in Belfasy Ireland knew before I did, no-one thought to tell me. I knew there was something wrong by my ex-husbands behaviour to myself as he used domestic violence against me and in front of my children born to him. His treatment of me was bad, he took money from our joint account to woo the polish woman, and left me and my children financially depleted, if I asked for any affection I was rejected and I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused and he did not behave islamically at all. I agree that polygamy must be carried out properly otherwise done wrongly it destroys families. In my case it all came out that the polish woman had known my ex-husband was married to me and she had previously been married to another Muslim man my husband was friendly with and did not practise the Christian faith and did not want to know Islam either and had been cheating on the first husband who gave talaq and he left Ireland, she then became 'friends' with my ex-husband through some mutual friends of his who eventually had to tell Me after I confronted him and he denied everything including the child. My fault according to my ex-husband was that I was too much of a mother and not enough of a wife! I agree that second wife is a big danger if not done properly and I believe in my case it was an easy way for my ex-husband to ligitimise religiously an illicit sexual relation and muslim men similar to him I believe cherry pick from Islam what suits their own illicit deceitful needs at that time and I blame the kufaar woman also as she had no respect for Islam whatsoever and I know that as fact. Here In Ireland a lot of Muslim men are taking secret second wives, especially polish and other eastern europeans,many sisters here in Ireland cannot get covered because of this. Apparently these women know no bounderies sexually according to what my fellow sisters are being told by their husbands. I believe a secret second marriage is a selfish act done wrongly. Alhamdulilah I am a stronger Muslim today but was a heartbroken woman at that time. Therefore I have little sympathy for secret second wives especially those who are not Muslim and deceive and destroy a Muslim family. I would caution any Muslim woman before marriage to get it in a contract if you wish to be the only wife and that if another is brought you can choose to divorce from the situation. In my case my ex-husband refused to give talaq many times but left me neither married or divorced for 3 years until my local mosque supported me to get talaq as my husband's behaviour was unislamic and otherwise unacceptable as and was affecting my health as well in my situation with gynae problems and my hair falling out due to the stress. Thank you if you have read this and Assalamu alaikum.
Aselamu aleykum werahmetulahi weberekatihu. I am not a scholar in Islam but I have some advices to you. You are already in big trouble so I don't want to make you stressed more. Secrete love marriage in Islam is forbiden either you are the first or the second. What makes a merriage halal in Islam is that it should always be public and most of the people's around you have a right to know about your marital status. Any ways now it happened. In my opinion you have two options;
1) this option depends on how much your knowledge in Islam is. If you felt that what you were doing with this man was halal then you have to repent to Allah that it is haram. Try to bring her and her family ask them their forgiveness and try to make them accept you as a second wife,
2) in this case also you have to repent very much if you know what you were doing was haram. This is a great sin. What you have to do is if the first wife refuses you as a second wife you have stay out of their life. This man is still not good to be a proper husband you know why he have no criteria for a woman. He just follows his sense.
Forgive me if I touched your feelings. Www
Nobody has given a proper Islamic ruling. All are talking with their emotions getting the better of them. if the second marriage took place in proper Islamic manner it is valid. Even the Sahaba did their Nikah with the Wali, the Groom and two male witnesses.
Nobody has the right to stop a man from marrying a second time, if he can support both wives equally. If anybody says that it is wrong then that person goes out of Islam. Rasulullah and the Sahabah had many wives and that was a part of the normal routine. Love can be shared and not selfishly be monotonous.
Sister you dont have to worry. If the first wife divorces your husband, then she has to face Allah in the Court on the Day of Judgement.
This the clear Islamic ruling.
waleikum salam sister!i had a hidden niqah and it is not nice had a lot of bad efects.
it cant give you and him peace of mind
There are so many lies involved.
BROTHERS AND SISTERS ITS POSTED ON 2010. I think its no more discussion needed.
it's so sad t see that Most of people being judgmental by their own way.
I discovered my husband had a second secret wife after his death.
I had a mental breakdown. We were married 20 years. I am no good now for my 4 children. The pain and trauma of discovery was unbearable.
I wish I had died instead but then I would have had to leave my children with this evil man. We are glad he is dead and the world is rid of such wickedness.
Nobody unless they have experienced it understands the heartbreak this causes the first wife. I wait now to meet my husband and his secret wife on the day of judgement.
They caused me and my children physical, spiritual and mental harm. This is a case I wish to put before the Supreme of All Judges.
I will not be given justice in this duniya.