On verge of divorce; love my husband but can’t stand him being unfaithful
She found that he's cheated her
Salaam’alaikum
I hope you can offer me some guidance / advice.
I have been married for 2 years plus. Me and my husband have a good marriage Alhamdulillah, we have NO OTHER issue except he has a problem – he tries to strike relationships with other girls and I don’t know why. Here is a timeline so you all understand:
-When I got married, second day I found out he had deceived me into getting married to him – he was having a full blown relationship with another
-6 months later found out he was chatting up some girl and trying to meet up with her
-Always messaging other girls, exchanging pictures of face only
-Messaging inappropriately, telling girls they are beautiful
-he told one of his ex's he met up with that I had left him for 6 months [but things were good between us]
-taking girls to lunch etc/ he has physically cheated [kiss and trying to get a girl to go to a hotel]
To date I haven’t asked my husband of anything, not even a car/ house nothing. I just ask him to not lie/cheat on me. We performed Umrah, upon our return couple of weeks later I found out that he had been in contact with a girl whom he doesn’t know [she is a stranger, met online] and he arranged to meet her, he messaged her saying she owes him ‘TLC’. I was very upset that he could lie to my face about his whereabouts. I confronted him, he didn’t say much. I left, 2 weeks after, I saw that he wasn’t trying much [he was giving me space and being patient with me] so I filed for the legal divorce- only draft papers were sent, I later cancelled this.
I have said a lot of bad stuff to him, threatened / blackmailed [I have pictures of him with another girl]for him to divorce me because I was very upset, after giving him so many chances he couldn’t keep his word. He was very patient with me and didn’t issue divorce. We have been separated for 3 months against my will, I have done a lot of prayers and I don’t want a divorce and neither did my husband. I have begged him for forgiveness for saying harsh words and leaving without his permission. As soon as I agreed to reconcile it appears that my husband is thinking whether to pursue this marriage or not.
I went back to our marital home because I didn’t want the angels to curse me so I text him asking if he wanted me to leave or stay he asked me to leave so I believe I have corrected that part. When I went back to the marital home, I went on the laptop and found that he had restored pictures of him and his different ex’s and I found a folder created after I left full of normal pictures of my younger sister who is married, he got these pictures from facebook. I was gobsmacked he said he did that out of hate after I left – I didn’t tell anyone this. He says I don’t respect him.
I do.. I consulted my parents because we need help but he doesn’t see that. I love my husband but him chasing other girls makes me mad and I react badly.. I don’t know how else to react or deal with it. I fear one day I will lose him to another woman, I desperately need /want him to change in order for our marriage to work and so that we can start a family as we have no other problems. I love him and want our marriage to work but I am scared he will divorce me…
Please advise me.. I am lost and in need of help and lots of dua.
- Popy
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Salaams,
I agree with you that we should not talk in disrespectful or mean ways to our spouses, even when they are doing wrong. We are following a path of doing the right thing even if no one else is doing the right thing. That being said, I want you to know that you aren't supposed to feel OK about your husband talking to other women in the manner he has. When a man violates his wife's trust, and sins by committing zina (which is what you've described), it's entirely normal for the wife to feel angry, betrayed, hurt, confused, and mistrusting. You're not wrong to feel those ways.
I'm saying all this to assure you that even if you made some mistakes in how you managed your emotions, the main issue here is that he broke rank first. He strayed from the marriage from nearly the day it started, and has continued to do so in a habitual pattern. You doing the right thing by keeping your tongue or being kind to him IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THAT. He has a problem of lust and wandering that he came into the marriage with, and nothing is going to get rid of that problem until he makes the choice to be a better man.
Sister, I don't think it's a good idea for you to move back in with him right now, when you have no assurance that he's going to be any different than before. Beyond that, I don't think you deserve to be in a situation where he is disrespecting you by being unfaithful, and all the while you are trying to speak to him kindly. You have value too sister, and you have all the proof you need to show that HE is the one who doesn't know how to be a good spouse. He is not even willing to recognize his problem, for crying out loud! You don't need to keep going through that.
I recommend you continue to stay apart for now. Don't rush to return to him, nor to divorce him. Take as much time as you need to not only sort out your own emotions, but to see the situation as it really is without any confusion. Seek Allah in this time, make istikhara, and surround yourself with friends and family who support you and want what's best for you.
The bitter truth is, the possibility of "losing him to another woman" exists whether you live with him or not. It can happen even if you do your very best to save the marriage, because no individual can row a two-man boat. He has a very sinful and persistent pattern, so in a sense you've already lost him to several other women in various ways. Don't let that fear, or the understandable pain that comes with seeing him with someone else, deter you from finding your self worth. You deserve a husband who will make you the only focus of his life, so if he's not willing to you shouldn't settle for less.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I've my own share of observations after reading your story. Your husband has become one of those whose only consistency is his inconsistency, associated with overbearing insolence and often times artful mendacity developed to a shameless degree.
I deliberately made such a harsh statement about your husband because I see a pattern in your question. There is not an iota of doubt that you love him.
he told one of his ex's he met up with that I had left him for 6 months [but things were good between us]
When you say things were good between you... basically .. You are trying to rationalise his mistake.....
He was very patient with me and didn’t issue divorce. We have been separated for 3 months against my will
Again, you are trying to camouflage his mistakes by saying He was being patient with you.
In my humble opinion you are trying to compartmentalise your alter ego that something is nice in him. Love sanctifies any criminal folly.
As a third person, it doesn't take very long to judge that He doesn't need you but You need him.
As far as divorce goes, I will make a bold statement, ' You don't want to divorce him. You love him right now too much. If this statement touches your throbbing nerve and tears flood your eyes then.. I am sure I have struck the right cord.
I don't want to suggest you divorce right now .. because you are not prepared for it. You have to first learn to divorce him in your heart. You have given this relationship ample of time and his actions prove that He is incorrigible. First separate yourself for an year or so ... and see whether He needs you as much as you need him.
Try to simulate a divorce is in your mind.. It is stigma. It is not a brave act even if it is the apt ddecision keeping in view the circumstances.. it will hurt you. But, there is no turn around.
Just imagine if you were divorced, then you can't say that people on Islamicanswers.com suggested you to divorce him or that He is indeed not fit to be with you... then All you would be trying to do is land an aeroplane in the dark with no radar. You will only crash in such a situation.
It is your decision and if you think you can move on and live with his infidelity but salvage that he loves you a little or you love him too much....then think again!!!
May Allah facilitate what is correct for you .. Amin
Thank you, even though your comments are harsh sometimes that is what's needed. Jazak Allah' khair. I have decided to proceed to divorce
Asalam alaikum,
Good for you Poppy and to Farrukh for such an intelligent response, Ma-sha' Allah. I'm sorry I had to laugh at 'whose only consistency is his inconsistency'. Very insightful too, like divorcing him in her heart.
On a serious note Poppy, may Allah be with you and grant you a real man as a husband, who will cherish and respect you, In-sha' Allah. I can't understand how he went to Umrah and became even more fervent in his transgressions afterwards.
Take care.
Sister, what you describe to us as your husband being patient with you, looks to me like he's just very careless about you. Careless if you go, careless if you stay...he doesn't love you, and has in fact told you he would rather that you didn't move back in with him. So it's quite clear that he's not invested at all in your marriage and would probably prefer it if you asked him to divorce you. Quite frankly, I think you should ask him for for a divorce..
Asalamoalaikum,
There is one statement in your post that has struck me the most. You state; " I fear one day I will lose him to another woman".
Sister, you have already lost him to multiple women and his actions are proof of this. You are not his priority nor is your marriage.
He is a serial cheater and it won't stop until he realizes this and decides to get some serious professional assistance. You love him dearly but he doesn't and marriage is a two-way street. You are the only person in this marriage trying to make it work but until he doesn't pull his weight, this marriage cannot be salvaged.
I highly suggest you start emotionally separating yourself from him and start thinking about your options. It will be difficult but you deserve much better than this.
-Helping Sister
Salaam, thank you all. My husband has a knack for placing blame on me but I see him for who he is now.... A serial cheater and liar. I pray hard that Allah grants me a better, pious husband who will love and respect me in sha Allah .