Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Past issues are affecting my relationship with my fiance

wipe away sins purify wash

The Prophet (saw) said,“Islam wipes out all of one’s past sins.”

Dear all,

I am a female that has been engaged for around 10 months now. When I first met this man, I disclosed everything about my past to him (which alhamdullah I have repented for). My past included being intimate with other men, drugs and hanging around girls that influenced me a lot. I thank god everyday that my fiancé was the one that helped me out of the hole that I was in. He made me stop the drugs, I stopped hanging out with those girls and stopped all contact with any male. Every couple of weeks, for 10 months, this has been continuously brought up. My fiancé becomes really upset and enraged at me. Anything could pop up in his head and he would start questioning me about things I've answered a million times before and abusing me verbally. He also doesn't believe anything I have to say and thinks there is more to me, which alhamdullah there isn't. He uses harsh words when this issue gets brought up. I have tried and tried to talk to him and calm him down but nothing seems to be working. He is insecure about my past and I don't know how to make him stop.

I love this man more then anything in the world, because when we are good, we are so good! but when this issue gets up, he is someone I don't even know anymore. I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do? I love this man because no one has loved me and cared for me the way he has before. I just wish he wouldn't get enraged over this issue anymore.

Please help me!

Ysss

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7 Responses »

  1. SISTER this seems his abusing you and Hurting you . He came into your life to make you a better person but sorry to say his not the guy you are going to be happy with. He can’t get over this which is why your relationship with him isn’t going forward. Please let him go Sister

  2. Salaams dear sister,
    Unfortunately I made the mistake of disclosing my past to someone I married.
    It was bought up constantly after marriage.
    I regret revealing it and regret marrying.
    I think my husband would had more respect for me had he not known or had I married sometime if a similar background to me.
    Divorce was threatened regularly. We got out Of that rut only to fall into another.
    My advice would be to make istikhara and considering ending it before it's begun.
    I wish i knew back then what I know now.
    If he's like this with you now it is highly unlikely to get better.

    I'm sorry for not advising what you'd like to hear but having been there done that and am still here it's not a great place to be.

    Just make istikhara. Ask Allah SWT guide you. I pray Allah blesses you with that which will be good for you in Deen duniya and ahkhirah.
    Ameen

    Your fellow troubled sister in Islam.
    X

    • Sister s

      Your story touched me and filled me with sadness. Please do not accept this behaviour. Your husband is behaving in a manner that is abhorrent and unislamic. It shouldn't be allowed to continue. He made a choice to be with you despite knowing your past. Remind him it was his choice. Keep saying lound and clear 'you had a choice. You could have walked away. Why didn't you?'

      If all else fails, please do as the Qur’an suggests and involve both families to sort this out. Do not accept abuse and oppression from this man. Allah hates oppression in all forms.

      May Allah swt make it easy for you.

  3. Bad habits die hard.

    Good habits are hard to build

    if you think you can quit your bad habits for you not for your loved one.

    Your past would be a problem for anyone who is nice and kind. But that does not mean he is the right one.

    You should find someone who has similar past as you only then you and the guy will learn.

  4. Dear sister,

    It is not permitted to disclose sins to anyone. In fact the disclosure of sins is a sin itself. There are ahadeeth that forbid us telling others about our sins. One of the reasons for this is that some potential partners will find it difficult to get past it.

    If a suitor specifies that he wants to marry a virgin only, one should decline the proposal if one isn't a virgin as we must not deceive others. You can say something along the lines of 'I'm not sure we are right for each other' etc. Without directly telling him about your past. If a man presses you regarding the past you can say 'I'm not perfect but I'm trying to focus on my future'. If a man asks details you should know he is not the right person for you. In short, no one has the right to know about sins you have committed in the past especially if you have repented and are trying to turn over a new leaf. Please remember this advice for the future.

    As for your fiancé, please read the advice of sister S who has written about her own experiences as advice to you. She's in a difficult marriage as she had disclosed her past to her husband and has never heard the end of it. Some men will NEVER EVER let it go. It becomes an obsession for them and they resent you and will their resentment will fester. In fact I know men who use their wive's past sins to justify their own bad treatment of said wives!

    Your fiancé is showing clear signs that he will not let the past be the past. You should take this as a sign from Allah swt that he and you may not be compatible. I would suggest you break off this engagement and release yourself from this relationship which is causing you distress.

    All the best.

  5. The man you love is not being fair to you. I would suggest you end the relationship because he has issues with your previous shortcomings and use them against you. The problem will not go away. He knew all about you and now is holding it against you. But that is his problem. It is not easy because you say your are in love, but I strongly urge you to "move on", end the relationship and stop seeing this troubled man. You stated he does not believe you, is suspicious of your comings and goings and is verbally abusive. That is a red flag. A warning. And it is not love. The relationship you have will only end badly, with sadness and tears. Be in love with someone who gets enraged about your past is dangerous and unhappy. Don't fool yourself that "everything is good when he is not angry". Those the words of battered women.

    Continue to stay away from people who involve themselves in drugs and partying. Keep company with positive people who keep their prayers and have good character.

  6. I think you already know the answer deep inside sister.

    The first advice to you would be to steer clear of this guy. It is haraam to have a relationship before marriage even though you're engaged to him.

    Your fiance's view of you is already tainted and there seem to be a lot of trust issues from his side which cannot be wished away and needs extensive counseling. You could both go for for pre-marital counseling to see if this can be resolved.

    If that doesn't work, I pray you'll find the strength to walk away from this relationship. It seems that your fiance is unable to let go off your past and is using it against you when he becomes angry. There is no way to convince another person to stop using your mistakes as a weapon. Its something that is understood especially if you have repented and now can't really change what you did in your past. In a healthy relationship, a partner will accept your transformation but it seems your fiance can't. This is why Islam forbids us from revealing our sins.

    You mention you love him so this is obviously going to cause a lot of pain and wishful thinking. But truth is sister, if he doesn't let go off your past and accepts you as who you're along with your mistakes then it is only wishful thinking to think you'll be happy after marriage. It is crucial you think practically and not emotionally at this moment. You have already gone through a lot and should take these outbursts as a sign of things to come.

    Do you really think you could keep loving someone who uses your mistakes against you every chance they get and someone who doesn't trust you and you can't trust due to their behavior? In the beginning yes this will cause pain but eventually you'll be happy that you did not choose a relationship with no trust. Its quite possible the continuous attacks will eat you up and in the end love will fade. So if counseling doesn't work I hope Allah gives you strength to do what's good for yourself.

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