Should I convert to marry my Muslim boyfriend?
Shahadah, the Islamic testimony of faith
My Muslim boyfriend and I met 3 years ago at university. We became very close friends which eventually led to more.
I am fully aware of the rules on relationships outside of marriage, however he and his parents could be described as quite 'westernised' and I am not his first non-Muslim girlfriend. Unlike many examples I have read on here I have not been hidden away from his family - quite the opposite, I have met most members of his family and feel we get on extremely well.
Despite having a relationship outside of marriage, and drinking alcohol, he does have a strong belief in his faith and does eventually want to start practicing Islam more devoutly (I know this sounds bad, but growing up in a western society must be incredibly hard, especially at University). Included in this is his want to marry within his faith which has in turn led to conversations about me possibly converting.
As cliche as it may sound I see us together in the future, and I do feel hes my 'soulmate'. I have therefore been researching into Islam, and I agree and relate to much of what is said. However I have a few issues for example, although I agree with what the Quran says about the dangers of drinking - it is common in my family to have a few drinks at family gatherings and meals etc, which I do not see a problem with, similarly with eating pork, I would never expect to eat or drink in our household should we marry.
Secondly, I have grown up with pet dogs my whole life and feel it is something every child should experience.
Thirdly, I have not been raised in a religious family per se, so the idea of heaven, hell, praying etc seems rather foreign to me. Despite this I am still open to Islam, however there is a large part of me that feels our cultures may just be incompatible despite the fact I would give anything to make this work with him. I am only 21 so I am still young, my question is whether we should continue to pursue this relationship that we have formed with the possibility of me converting in the future, or whether the relationship itself is somewhat doomed.
Thanks in advance
- E
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Don't convert for anyone my dear unless it's for God. Never ever convert to make another person happy. Religion is all about your relationship with your creator.
First figure out if you believe in Islam, workout all the issues and questions you have and then make up your mind separate from the relationship. If you are not willing to accept islam just yet, will you still get married?
Or is your marriage conditional upon you accepting islam, because men are allowed to marry non muslim women.
Also, as for the alcohol and pork, and dog...those are minor issues. First look at the foundation of the faith and if you believe in the pillars or islam. If you believe in Islam and that Quran is the word of God, then you can always find alternatives....such as getting a cat instead of dog, and having non alchoholic beverages, and eating turkey bacon instead of bacon..etc etc.
After you figure out what your believes are and what you want your future to look like, compare that to your boyfriend and then make up your mind.
Assalaamualaikam
If you decide to accept Islam, be sure that you are doing so for yourself - that you believe there is no God but Allah, and The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His Messenger. Converting to a faith you don't believe in, for whatever reason, strikes me as a very bad idea; it's important to be sure that this is what you want to do.
If you do accept the core principles of Islam, but are confused or unsure about some of the other elements, such as diet, clothing, animals... that's ok. We're all learning about life and our faith. The key issue is whether you believe in Islam in your heart. You can learn more about lifestyle issues such as those you raised in your post, by going to study groups, reading and participating in online discussions (such as on this site), and speaking with family and friends.
I would be very careful about this guy. I don't know him, but I have encountered many tales similar to yours, which end with an unhappy outcome for the girl. In Islam, people should not engage in pre-marital romantic relationships, and shouldn't drink alcohol, etc. It's not about being western or any particular culture - as Muslims, we should follow Islam rather than culture. So, I'd be concerned about whether he himself is aware of and accepting of the teachings of Islam. The fact that he's saying he wants to marry a Muslim girl, but is dating non-Muslim girls, also sets off alarm bells - this can be a sign of a guy whose intentions are less than honourable, as some guys have so little respect for women that they have pre-marital relationships with some girls and then go "oh sorry, I have to go marry so-and-so now - they're [insert reason here], you see". If he's already saying that, knowing that you aren't Muslim, I would be concerned that maybe he doesn't see the relationship the same way you do?
I would suggest that you have a serious talk with him about his intentions in this relationship. Find out if he is prepared to commit to a long-term relationship - if so, Islamically, he should propose marriage to you (as pre-marital relationships aren't acceptable in Islam). If he isn't prepared to commit to you, then don't allow yourself to be used - treating women disrespectfully is NOT acceptable in Islam, and we should never tolerate it. Men may come and go, but our personal integrity and self-respect can only be damaged if we allow it.
If you are interested in Islam, take some time to read about our faith, pick up a translated copy of the Quran and study it. If there is a mosque or Islamic community centre near you, you could ask there to see if they have resources available to help people learn more about Islam - some places do courses for people who want to know more (including Muslims and non-Muslims), some places might be able to put you in touch with Muslim women who can inshaAllah answer questions and tell you about life as a Muslim woman, some places might be able to recommend some books to read. Take time to think about whether this is the right decision for you. If it is, then you will be very welcome, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
OP: I am fully aware of the rules on relationships outside of marriage, however he and his parents could be described as quite 'westernised' and I am not his first non-Muslim girlfriend
and you may not be his last girl friend.
Has your b/f or his parents talked to you about him getting married to you? A Muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian or Jewish woman.
OP:his parents could be described as quite 'westernised' and I am not his first non-Muslim girlfriend.
Do you know if women and girls in his family are allowed to date non-Muslim men?
sister please keep the rulings of islam and other things you mentioned aside....and also marriage....first of all if you are accepting islam ...it is a matter of faith...and islam is never a blind faith..islam is not about rituals and rulings only.....keep on researching...if you find truth in it then believe it...you should believe that there is no god except Allah to worship and prophet muhammed is the final messenger.....rest of the problems will be solved after you do it....other wise I think the problems you mentioned will never will be solved...for the sake of worldly things dont change your belief sytem that will be ac heating to yourselves...Allhau Aalam...
I guess it's my time of the year to be contrary. It's good advice when people tell you to make sure you are converting for God, but it is better to do the right thing for the wrong reason as opposed to not doing the right thing at all. Alcohol and pork and dogs are minor details. As you have seen first hand, there are Muslims who engage in these things. Booze and pork and dogs are not the basis of Islam. Islam is the Shahada. So if you believe there is a God. That Abraham worshiped the True God. Then that is like 75% of you being Muslim. I am not a scholar, but I say this to encourage you. We have Muslims doing all kinds of crazy things. Then we sit here and nitpick you. It's not right. It's confusing for non Muslims. Turn on the TV and you see people doing crazy things and hollering Allahu Akbar. Then they say we don't condemn them. We condemn the act, but we are discouraged from throwing people out of Islam. Our job is to invite you and and do all we can to keep you in. When you get to a certain level, in my mind, you will not want to drink. If I knew you and you were an alcoholic, I would work with you to break your addiction because believe it or not, there are Muslim addicts. These things are sins and the less sin, the healthier you will be. But please don't see this as some kind of mission to be perfect. We pray five times a day because we are sinners, not because we are holy. The typical advice I hope we are all telling you is that you should visit your local mosque. 75% of Islam is that you dedicate yourself to worshiping the God of Abraham alone, without partner. That means you reject the trinity. We see the trinity as a three way partnership. For us, Jesus is not God's partner. That is the big deal, not you drinking. There is a level of spirituality that when you get there, the last thing you will want is to be drugged. This act of voluntarily dedicating yourself to worshiping God only, God Alone, is Islam. This is the message of Muhammad. If you accept his message and that he is sent by God, then you are a Muslim, even if you have a dog, even if you drink, even if you fornicate, even if you eat pork. These are sins, but you begin by believing in God. You don't sit there and let someone convince you you have to be perfect and then you become Muslim....or none of us would ever become Muslims....Allah makes Muslims and may the God of Abraham, whom we call Allah guide you to believe in Him alone. peace and blessing be upon the messenger of Allah.
I sort of did not answer you. I am an old guy and one big thing i have learned is that emotions are up and down. So your passion for this man will not always be surging upwards. Long-term couples have common interests that hold them together through good and bad times. If you disagree on fundamental important things, when there is trouble, you will pull easily apart. The most common way to secure a long term relationship is through religion because religion sets rules and responsibilities. But that means you both have to follow the rule book (in this case the Quran) and you have to respect the referees (your local Muslim elders). They will constantly tell you not to divorce and to have patience and it makes big difference. If your boyfriend says he dreams of getting serious about religion when he is older and he wants a Muslim wife, you have to decide if you will be his Muslim wife. People marry outside of religion but many Muslim men....we want a believing woman. If that is your boyfriend, you must decide. If you are sort of neutral on religion, you should try Islam and give it your best shot before you commit to him. It's not about you and him, but the environment in which you will seek to maintain your relationship. If you don't like Islam and he loves it, then you should move on and not waste each other's time. Man and wife are about way more than just sex and romance.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I am continuing to research into Islam, my opinion on religion is rather neutral and I would not consider myself a Christian, but agnostic (not atheist) but i've always thought that the most important thing in religion is to have faith in your God so its reassurimg to hear like-minded opinions. Thanks again.
I strongly believe that you shouldn't convert unless you are fully aware of Islam and want to embrace it wholeheartedly rather than for a guy.
ask yourself a few questions:
-Is this guy serious about me? has he proposed you for marriage if not then don't assume that he will. Most prpbably if he is a Pakistani his parents will make him get married to one of his female pakistani cousins.
-Am i ready to give up everything for Islam ?
Because you can't just chose bits and pieces of Islam and declare yourself a muslim because it is a religion of absolutism and you HAVE to believe in everything
If you read about the reign of Hazrat Abu bakr you'll find out that one of the tribes said that we will accept Islam we will do everything if you exempt us from zakaat. (zakaat is an annual fund for the poor, given by rich people)
well Abu bakr refused because it was unacceptable!
I'm sorry for making it to long but please do a deep research in Islam not just on the internet go to well known scholars if you can before even converting. And don't just do it for a guy who himself drinks and eats pork. As you know these are forbidden, he must be so far away from his faith.
I wish Allah shows you the right path and guides you 🙂
Make sure that this guy will marry you before making any assumptions. Besides that a Muslim man is allowed to marry a Jewish or christiam woman too. You could research on that too!