Islamic marriage advice and family advice

son out of wedlock with a non-Muslim woman

Muslim boy and father saying dua

Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sisters in Islam.

I am Abdul. I am 25 years old, working now and earning money to support my mother and my 7 other siblings. My father died several years ago, and since I am the eldest male in the family who finished college and is working, the responsibility of taking care the whole family was bestowed on me.

I have sinned for sleeping with a non-muslim woman and the act produced a very beautiful child- my son. At that time I was fresh from college and still finding jobs. I didn't know what to do and I never asked for others' opinions because I was so afraid. I didn't want to disappoint my parents since they were really expecting that I would take care of them after graduation. The woman proceeded with the pregnancy, delivered my son, and now my son is already 4 years old. He doesn't live with me, but he lives with his mom and his grandparents on his mother's side. I give him financial support every month, and it's not much.

I am also supporting my mother and my 7 other siblings. I became their father since our father died. The thing is that I have sinned in the first place, but I love my son. I want to get him, but his mother's family will not let me because they said they raised the child since his mother's pregnancy. I can't marry the woman since we are not romantically in love with each other, and now she also hates me. iItalk to my son on the phone, as I work abroad now. But he is not close to me and would say things like "i dont like you" , "youre not good" etc.

I am worried about him not being with me because it's very sure that he will embrace the other religion. I want him to be with my family, but i am struggling now to make ends meet though I will try everything for us to live. What should I do? He also doesn't carry my name, which is a shame for me.


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6 Responses »

  1. As-salam alaikum,

    Sorry to start with what you already know too well but in as well as committing zinaa, you have committed an injustice to your son and above all an injustice to Allah.

    After your sins of free mixing with a strange woman who is also a non-muslim, having intimate relations which led to you getting her pregnant, you should have married her before the child was born.

    It has taken you 4 years to wake up to the reality of this. As time has passed, your son has entered boyhood and started to form his own opinions. At this age they will primarily be based on the influence of his mother and her parents. You cannot blame them for resenting you as you abandoned your son's mother, leaving her to struggle in single motherhood. Whilst she cherished your son, you created a void where you should have been by not actively sharing in the responsibility and joys of parenthood.

    Money does not raise a child, it only supports an existence and you cannot expect a young child to develop and sustain a relationship over the phone with an absent father who he barely knows of aside from his mother's critical comments of you.

    It is a sad state of affairs that many children do not have a father in their lives and in your case your son has been denied his birthright by Islam of not carrying his father's name. Adoption is not permitted in Islam due to the changing of names and erasing the child's lineage of his father so only fostering is allowed. This is a serious issue.

    Your son is being raised in a non-Muslim household as you know and it is your duty to guide him in Islam. This has come to your attention as your son continues to become alienated from you as you are a stranger on the end of a phone. Once again, I apologise as you know this already and you accept what you have done. You love your son, so you must do something about it. I especially feel sorry for your son and any child whose parent has never been in their lives.

    The comments above provide you with the best course of action, in particular Monica's. You have to sacrifice your own desires. You will have to explain to your mother that she has been a grandmother for 4 years already. You will have to reallocate some responsibility on other family members as you have a child and what should have been a family.

    As already advised, you need to seek forgiveness and repair the damage. The very least you and the mother should have a mutual respect . You can't expect them to hand over your son when his mother and her parents have been taking care of him and building a bond. I don't know if you can just marry his mother now or even suddenly spring this upon her as it would be met with suspicion, especially if you have already made it known you want to take your son from them.

    What matters to a child is a parent being there to attend a school play, wipe a tear, play in the park or eat together as a family. The every day things have more value than financial payments every month and a long distance call.

    This is why free-mixing, dating and pre-marital relations are haram because they cause so much heartache and fitnah. You can only hope to succeed in making things better by always remembering Allah, seeking Allah's guidance and help. Also start helping yourself in this matter by first making amends with your son's mother and family and start forging an active parental role.

  2. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation, May Allah ease your pain.

    Allah says in the Quran:

    Al-Quran [28:56]
    Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.

    If guidance was not in the hands of our beloved Prophet pbuh, then it certainly is not in your hands either.

    I suggest that you focus all your energy on being the best father to your son as possible, and being kind and just to the mother of your son.

    In time, when your son grows and thinks for himself, inn shaa Allah, he will make the best and right decision.

    As for his mother, ignore her words and make it clear that you are sorry for what has happened and are working towards doing your best.

    Whenever you have a difficult encountery with your son's mother/family, rather than focus on who said what to you, redirect all your energy on questions such as:

    Would Allah be pleased with me?
    Will Allah forgive me?
    Will this act bring me closer to Allah?

    This way, the best in you will come forth and your pain will be eased, inn shaa Allah.

    May Allah guide us all on the straight path, Ameen.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Regardless of whether you and your son's mother get along, you have an obligation to help support him, and he has a right to know both his parents and to have the chance to form positive relationships with both of them.

    The situation might be complicated by you working abroad, but if you have citizenship in your son's home country, then you should, inshaAllah, have certain legal rights there, about having some form of access to your son. I'd advise you to speak with a lawyer about what your options are. Custody and access disputes can be drawn out and stressful, but remember that the most important person in all of this is your son.

    Why does his mother hate you? If possible, try to rebuild some form of positive contact there. Apologise to her for the mistakes you made and any hurt you caused her, and make a commitment to helping support your son financially. It's important for your son to see that his mother and father treat each other with respect and don't backbite about each other.

    Regarding your concerns about religion, one of the best things you can do is provide your son with a role model of a good Muslim man. Children pick up a lot of what is going on around them, so even through phone contact only, you can start setting a good example to him. Study more about Islam, make sure that you are praying and fasting and going to the mosque, and speak to him and his mother (and her family) with kindness and respect (after all, regardless of how she and her family feel about you, they are devoting their time and love to protecting and raising your son).

    Learn about the life of The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his Companions, and look at how you can make changes to bring your own character and behaviour closer to theirs. And pray - repent for what has already happened, and ask for Allah to guide you to the straight path and to do what is best for your son.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. AsSalamu Alaikum Brother, You really need to speak with an Imam about this situation. As a Muslimah who only studies Islam at home and from the Imam in classes at my masjid, I think the answer is to repent for your act of zinna and seriously consider longing to enjoy Akira MORE than the Dunya! if you love for the hereafter more than this life (this test) then you should be extremely kind and respectable to your child's mother and ask her to marry you. This life isn't about enjoying a fairytale marriage and following your heart's desires. This life is about obeying the rights of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and then the rights of our family members and those in our care. I believe you need to do whatever it takes to make this situation right as God would want you to do, not what you desire - to marry your ideal desire. Try for the sake of Allah to see if your kindness and desire to make a family with your child's mother will be accepted. Talk to her about your desire to honor she and your daughter by marrying her. Promis her that you'll treat her with love and respect for the sake of pleasing Allah. Brother, you were obviously attracted to her at one time, so you are both capable of pleasing each other for the sake of Allah. Perhaps if your intention is true, Allah will make it all work out. I understand that she or her family may not approve of this, but for the sake of Allah, you should try. This is only my opinion based on my knowledge from learning Islam both in research and from learning in class with the Imam at my masjid. May Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala guide you to do what pleases Him.
    Brother, I'm sorry to hear that you are alone in financially supporting your mother and siblings. If this is preventing you from affording proper financial support of your child, shouldn't there be other responsible men in your family (your mother or father's brothers or one of your own brothers who are old enough to work?

  5. Aoa . it is good that you have realised you made a mistake and i hope repented for it . It must be difficult to be away from your son and i can understand your concern of him being raised in a non muslim environment. i do not know the laws pertaining to your sons country of residence but find out if you can legally get partial custody of your son.

    Here are 7 practical steps to help you face any difficult situation

    Salah. Make sure you stick to praying on time – 5 times a day. Never miss a salah and do your best to pray each Salah with sincerity as if it’s your last salah in this world.

    Read Quran. This Quran is so beautiful that no matter what difficulties you face you’ll find solace in it.
    Make Dua. Especially the dua for removing anxiety.

    Give Sadaqah. Give lots of charity, as much as you can, because it helps push away hardship. And if you can’t give money, even kind words or physical sadaqah can do (i.e. helping people physically or emotionally).

    Set Goals and Have Vision. Don’t let shaytaan play with you and keep replaying the video of your hardship in your mind over and over again, move on! Set new goals, new projects, and remember you’re with Allah, nothing should stop you!

    Wake up Early. Wake up before fajr and work on your ideas and projects, or simply read Qur’an. Getting busy before day break is a definite way to move away from your hardship and overcome challenges. Get most of your ideas/work done in these early hours, these are blessed hours.
    Hardship is Not Lost. Remember, Allah will never forget the injustice/hardship you faced, so don’t worry about seeking revenge or trying to get justice

    In the end, I pray that Allah (Subhanahu Wa’Tala) removes all your ordeals and hardships, blesses you all with a good life and helps you remember Him day and night, for “Verily, with remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest”. (Surah Ar-Ra’d , verse 28)

  6. Abdulkahar: I can't marry the woman since we are not romantically in love with each other, and now she also hates me

    Why did you have sex with a woman you were not romantically in love? What would have you done if you had done with a Muslim woman? Just saying you have sinned is not good enough. You should marry that woman.
    You are taking care of your siblings and your mother but not your son.

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