Should I stop my daughter to be around my Ex’s ex wife?
As salam alaikum,
I have been seprated from my childs father for about almost two years now and am in desprate need of some advice to what is it I can do to protect my three year old child. The situation is that in the processing of my divorce my childs father was seeing this non-Muslim lady at a gym that we went to after my divorce was final he has decided to marry her and it only last about a few months until they got a divorced. Now, what I am facing with is that this lady who I believe to have converted to Islam after marrying him is having is child, and my daughter is always around her when seeing her father. My worry is what can I do or say to my child because her behavior have seemed to be changing.
She use to love wearing her hijab now she won't even let me put it on her anymore. Eveytime we play around with hijab wearing seconds later she would take it off and say that she doesn't want it. she would look in the mirror and say look mommy now I look like, (the fathers ex ladys name). She constantly speaks of this lady to the point which sometimes hurts me. Am I wrong to feel the way that I'm feeling? I am a young single mother who is doing her utmost best to be a pious Muslimah while living in this dunyah. I fear that I am loosing my daughter from being her role model to this lady who is stuck in her father's life who has something against me and not even practicing Islam or at least trying.
Now the father on the other hand is refusing to give any money for our daughter, my only help and support network that Allah swt has placed in my life is his mother, but sometimes I fear if his mother passed away who will be left to help me and my daughter. I know Allah is always there for me when I need him but somewhere inside of me I fear a little. Let me get straight to what I wanted to asked. What is my right as a mother over my daughter? What rights does the father have over our daughter having her around this lady? Am I wrong if I don't consider this lady as my sister in Islam due to her wanting the father of my child to leave his parental duties to be with her and their son just because I am in the picture?
Slave of Allah.
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Salaams,
You said that your ex-husband married and divorced this woman, after which she converted to Islam. She now has a son by him. In my understanding, she would only be dealing with him as much as you are; IE: for support of her son. It sounds to me as if she is more than just another ex to him. From the way you describe it, it sounds like she is an active part of his life, spending time in his presence etc. Only her with him should be having visitation, not she herself. Are you sure that they are not in some type of romantic relationship?
I am not sure where you live, so it's hard to say what your legal rights are as far as parenting. If you were in the US, and had sole custody of your daughter, you could file for child support for financial maintenance. Also, you could get a court order outlining your ex's visitation with your daughter, stipulating in it that when he does have your daughter at his house he may not have any adult women visiting while she's there. This actually has been done in many cases, but I dont think it would extend to the son he has with her. That child would still be able to visit his father as your daughter can; after all they are half siblings.
Look into the laws where you live and speak to an attorney to see what you can get drawn up. Documents on paper and signed by a judge are much easier to enforce than just wishes expressed word of mouth.
As far as the other issue, of viewing her as a Muslim sister: you do have to accept her as a sister in the faith since that's what she is. However, this doesn't mean you have to be close friends with her or approve of her choices. I am not sure why she is not wearing hijab, but the fact that she is just a recent convert may play a role in that. If you ever think you can handle it, maybe someday you can take some time to meet with her as a sister to sister- fellow mother to fellow mother, and talk to her about how you're trying to raise your daughter etc and see if she's willing to be more supportive. She may not even realize that your mutual ex is withholding money you need to raise your daughter and giving all his money toward her and her son....she may just assume he is treating you both equally. Communication can go a long way to clear up a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions, and create a partnership that can help both the children involved (maybe she's even had some concerns about how her own son is affected by your daughter or you in your ex's life?). If you think she is a reasonable person and open to discussing these matters, it may be worth your while to pursue this at some point.
If she is not that kind of lady, and seems catty and vindictive, it seems to me you have every right to limit your daughter's exposure to her. You have to find a way to do this so that it doesn't limit the time your ex has a right to spend with her as a father, and that's why I suggested earlier seeking legal advice on that aspect. You won't know what your options are until you talk to someone.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If you are worried about your daughter's upbringing raised your daughter yourself and find a job if you can to support yourself financially and for your daughter's future. You shouldn't rely on other people looking after your daughter, people do not help anyone and ask allah to show you a better direction. You have no right stopping the father seeing his daughter you both created the child, whatever reasons you had with your ex husband is between him and you, dont use your daughter has a weapon otherwise she will grow up to hate her father and that is not fair. A father has a right to see his child whether he is with the woman or not.
as far as the other lady is concerned leave her to it, you cant change someone, thy have to change for themselves. If your not comfortable her being there then say, but dont get involved personal yo wont change her unless she wants to change.