Three months of marriage ending….Help!
I have been married for only 3 months and I live in an extended family with 8 other people. I'm an only child, and my father passed away when I was two. Before our wedding, my husband told me things such as, "we are very liberal, you can work and study".
Right after the marriage, my husband started saying things like "I made a huge sacrifice by marrying a girl without a father". He would constantly question Allah and talk like an atheist. He would say things like what did he get out of this marriage (because his other brother's wife is a doctor). He said my bachelor degree is nothing compared to the doctor. I would feel so low and my self esteem decreased.
However, I prayed to Allah so he can come to a realization. His mother controls what plate he eats on, what time he eats, what will be cooked in the home and she controls the money. My older sister in law does not talk to her (the mother). Out of 3 daughters in law, I was the only one who used to talk to her, yet every time she ordered me to clean things she would pass comments like 'what are daughter in laws for?'. But it's my duty, so I did it. They would leave their cups, plates and even garbage laying around for me to clean.
I grew up in America, and my mom was shocked to see the life I was living in my in law's house. My husband would call up my mom on our honeymoon (because I complained that he did not feed me outside) and he told her "your daughter doesn't know manners, if it was someone else they would've kicked her out of the house."
Since then, my mother in law has been treating me like a servant. They even leave their eating plates for me to clean (the work is not equally divided). They stopped me from working and studying. I grew up alone with my mom and stepdad, but I grew up with a lot of love and care. I tried to be nice to them with a smile on my face. Yet his mother would always say things like "if you treat your wife too nicely, they will 'eat your head'". That's why my husband did not show any affection. If I tell him things like 'I want to go out with you', he gets mad. She would say things like "the other daughter in law (the doctor, who does not live with us), because of her my son gets to drive a nice car, what are we getting from you?".
Finally, one day he cursed at me for crying because of his mom's mean comments toward me. I couldn't take it anymore- cleaning the whole day and still his mom isn't pleased, so I cried. He said if I can't tolerate it in that house, I should leave. His mom started yelling at me to leave the house, and at 12 midnight they opened the door and told me to leave. Finally I locked the room and stayed there because I feared they would hit me, and I waited for my parents to come get me. He has not contacted me for 3 days and I think divorce is necessary . He told my family: if your daughter wants to stay with me, she can't demand or expect anything from me.
I feel so isolated, suffocated and physically weak in that house. Every time they tell me to leave the house. Every time they ask me what did they get by marrying me. I feel like they are greedy and they crave money (both mother and son). Besides that, everyone in the house loved me. I feel so unwanted, and I feel ashamed as to what people and society will say. This is the fourth time they told me to leave the house. They told me things like my father passed away as a punishment from Allah. My husband said things like Allah punished my mother for making a child like myself and took my father away.
I don't know what I have done besides cry for them to say things like that. Still, I wanted to stay with him because I do feel love for him. But I realize in order to stay with them I can't express my feelings, I can't share anything with my husband, I can't cry, I can't demand or expect anything from him, only I must obey his mother. All the time my family would send me back, but this time they had enough. Would Allah punish me if I can't take it anymore and get a divorce? Please answer me. I feel lost, heartbroken.
-mishtybrishty
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I don't know much about Islamic answer. But you do not need to force yourself in this situation. Divorce and find another man.
This is not marriage. It's your right to be respected, treated with love and demand your own place away from his mother. You are not a servant, if you are uncomfortable around his mother, you don't have to live with her. It's not a must in islam.
Allah does not punish you if you get a divorce. I am not sure where you heard this from, but marriage is not supposed to feel like a torture test.
Leave my dear and feel no guilt. Don't let anyone abuse you and make you feel inferior. This is only the beginning.... can you imagine having a child with this man and raising him/her in this family? It would make me sad to raise a child in that environment.
May Allah make things easy for you, pray iistikhara, and if you are still not happy..pack your belonging and go. And if they block you, call the police, call your parents and don't let anyone treat you badly my dear.
Run away from them. Don't sacrifice and humiliate yourself. You are better then them.
You grew up in America so you shouldn't have to worry about society and what people will say. America is not some eastern country. Nobody will look or think about you as a bad person.
Allah wont punish you for nothing as divorce is allowed and He sure wouldn't want you to suffer and have such a miserable life and be around people who don't respect you as they should.
You don't need to stay with them. Go on and start your life again- free!
Salam sister,
I think you did the right thing. It takes courage to stand up to oppression. I just can't believe their behavoiur! Why do they expect their daughter in law to earn for them and buy expensive cars! Are they getting their son married for money? It's the husbands duty to provide for the wife, not the other way round. They do not even seem to be practicing Islam. No matter how rich the wife maybe, she does not have to contribute a penny, unless she wants to.
They just seem like a gold digging family who just use marriage as a means of getting hold of more money! This type of family is disgraceful! Using a women to earn for them. He is even refusing to be a proper husband, islamically and morally. They just want you to live as a servant so you can expect nothing from them. That's not a marriage.
Ask your parents to have a meeting with elders from both sides. Your parents you'll need to make it clear that you will only go back if they treat you like a wife and daughter in law should be treated. Your husband has to provide for you and not expect you to earn. They must be respectable to you or you can also request your own accommodation away from the mother in law.
Assalam 3aleykoum W.r W.b
I really try my best to avoid encouraging divorce and would only agree to one as a last resort. Based on your situation and based on what you have told us (not knowing the other side of the story, because there is always two sides of a story), then I would urge you to consider divorce but only as a last resort.
I emphasize "last resort" because there is always hope. However based on what you have told us, I can see how frustrating, painful and stressful it is for you. I think it is best that you ask to go visit your mother and give yourself a break. Use it as a vacation and use that time to unwind and find yourself InshaAllah. Pray to Allah SWT and ask for guidance and help.
They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder". Maybe with you going away might make him realize what he is about to lose. And if you feel that after your break away from them and much prayer has not helped the situation, then I would say it’s best to start considering divorce. Truly, with good intentions in your heart Allah SWT will make it easy for you.
May Allah SWT ease your burden. Ameen
SisterZahriya
Thank you for your response, I know there's always two sides of the story, I'm not saying i'm a VERY good person however everyone in his family loves me, besides his mother n my husband himself. Both of them always talk about money. I'm shocked that people can be like this in this day and age. When I was away from him, he did not call me nor text me. My family wanted divorce but me being soft hearted came back to him. He was good for a week, then it started again. He says I can't go to my house (my moms), knowing I'm an only child and I'm all she has, yet he expects me to take care of his mom, i have no problem with that however I can't abandon my mother and give all my attention to his mother. I clean and cook for 5 hours in the house, still they are not satisfied. My sis in law understand me and everyone else in that house loves me, but my husband he changes every time his mother talks to him. Im just pouring my heart out here, because I've decided that I'm leaving him. I can't do this anymore. He started insulting me again. Keep me in your prayers.
Asak Sister ,
It is very sad to now that you are in to this bad situation .
Prophet(SAS) say in his last sermon "Do not oppress and do not be oppressed"
So if there really Injustice happening then you don't have to bear that just for the sake of marriage .
I agree with sister Zahiraya as I too don't advise some one for divorce instantly .
Some of my suggestion
1)You say you feel love towards your husband .Try to see if there is any possibility of spending some days with him alone ( without your mom in law) . There are some times issues because of mom in laws and sons try to follow wrong path to please their parents .
2)Most of their actions are un islamic .You are not supposed to earn in Islam .It is husband's duty to earn and takke care of wife .Only Allah knows why your father passed away and no one can conclude any thing .Tell them Islamically they are wrong .
3)You need to only make sure that whether your husband is changing and behaving properly .If he DON'T then involve some elders ..If that too don't work then be clear about your decision and tell them openly .
You grew up in America so i thin it will be little easier compare to Eastern women .
Allah hafiz
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I am sorry that your marriage so far is suffering in the very early days of it.
A good friend of mine recently went through a very trying time and I would like to share with you what I observed. My friend's marriage was ending because her husband was abusive and severely into haram activities. It really seemed that there was nothing else she could do but file for a divorce and she did. When she did do that, he didn't sign the papers and instead rejected to follow through, but instead he went into therapy and they didn't talk to one another for a year during which time she raised their son on her own. I noticed that she was firm on her decision, did not cry a lot, left everything to Allah swt, and made it clear to her husband that she would absolutely not tolerate any abuse.
The reason why I am sharing this with you is because you first need to stop crying and understand that your value is not dependent on another human beings love for you. Your value is with Allah swt alone. Allah swt loves us even though He doesn't need us--and yet, we humans typically love the ones we need or want. So put your faith in Allah and do not devalue your worth. That is where you should begin--so now wipe those tears sister and do not define your self-worth ever again according to abusive people.
Secondly, I would suggest that you write down in detail the things that you want in a marriage--involve your Wali in this - and this letter could be passed along to your husband. It should be made very clear to him what your rights are and what you want. I don't think pleading, crying, and pouring your heart out to him will work--you should be firm and know that you are not wrong.
He then has a choice if he wants to fulfill your Islamic rights, which includes a separate house from your in-laws. I urge you to involve your elders in this decision and perhaps even consult an Imam.
I pray that you are well and that you strengthen your relationship with Allah swt as we all should--May Allah ease your difficulties and reward you for all your efforts, Ameen.
Sister,
This is not a marriage you speak of. I treat my dogs better than your husband and his mother have treated you. In fact, your husband and his mother do not even sound as though they know a thing about the Islamic faith. I personally don't see your marriage worth saving at all from what you have posted. It sounds as though you are destined to a horrible and cruel life living the way you are. You don't have to live this way and in fact you shouldn't.
Salam
@Najah
You keep dogs at home(un-Islamic) and come here to give Islamic advice on an Islamic website "wonderful", proud of you sister Najah!
How do you know she keeps her dog at home?
Assalam alaikum,
Al-Quran [5:4]
There are a few times where dogs are mentioned in the Quran--they may be used for protection and/or hunting (and I am sure we can investigate the details of this individually)--let's not jump to baseless conclusions.
Besides, it is humans giving advice to humans--not a single one of us is a perfect angel.
I have always learnt a lot from Sister Najah's posts, maa shaa Allah.
Najah is not blind. Blind practising muslims don't keep dogs as guides.Najah stays in USA,I guess in a big place. if she can afford stay in a big place & to keep two large dogs, she can also afford buglar alarm or security cam or guns if not guards. The true muslim wellwishers never defend unslamic acts of fellow brothers and sisters in faith.
Assalaamualaikam
We should not pass judgements on our brothers and sisters, especially when we do not know the full details of their situations.
You do not know sister Najah, her circumstances, her health - nor is any of this your business or my business, or anyone's other than hers and her family's.
Off the top of my head, I can think of multiple reasons why a person may keep guard dogs or service dogs, and ways in which a person could do so without breaching Islamic guidelines. There are even examples of dogs being kept and having such roles in the Quran and Sunnah - for example, in the account of the People of the Cave (surah al-Kahf, ayahs 9 - 22), there is a description of a dog guarding them.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
@midnightmoon Where am I passing judgments? I have mentioned what is already known through scholars on the prohibition of dogs.Circumstances justify unslamic acts in very rare situations when no other options are available eg one is allowed to eat haram food in absence of halal food when there is a danger of dying because of hunger.To stop someone from an unislamic act with your hand if not with your tongue or atleast condeming the act within your heart is the sunnah of our Prophet(pbuh), so minding your business and ignoring others sinful acts is not part of sunnah. Your reference to the guarding dog in the story of men of the cave from the Quran is irrelevant as the story took place in pre-islamic era.
Nor do they suggest to others that they are not true Muslims.
You have decided to see issue on dogs from only one angle and ignore any other, but realize this is your decision.
Muslimgirl,
I have two large guard dogs if you must know. I live on a large piece of land and my dogs protect my family at all hours. These dogs do not come into my home and are purely for our protection. I am well within my rights to have these dogs protect me and my family and there is nothing un-Islamic about it.
Najah, In the age of pvt security guards,security cams,buglaralarms,guns and poliice force. you are using dogs for protection.?Did u consult an islamic scholar or a sheikh before keeping dogs. i think u are making your own fiq when u say u have rights to keep them.it is not permissible to keep dogs except for huntingor guarding livestock and crops, it is allowed to use dogs to guard houses as long as that is ovside the city and there are no other means of guarding the house.Muslims should not imitate the kuffars and nasara who keep dogs as pets ,as one who keeps a dog as a pet, two Qirats of good deeds are deducted each day and this is an authentic hadith .MAY ALLAH GUIDE YOU.
People need guide dogs in the case they are blind and as you said if the live outside the city and are in need of a guard dog. Let us not make assumptions.
May Allah guide us ALL, Ameen.
Not everyone can afford a full-time Security Guard, Muslimgirl, and in some countries it is illegal to own guns. Most women do not know how to use a gun properly anyway. Do you know how to use a gun? I don't and I have no intention of learning how to.
Muslimgirl,
I have guard dogs. It is my choice and one I am very happy with. I am very much aware of the age I live in and it is precisely why I choose to have the dogs I do. They protect my land and never enter my home. Islamic scholars vary in their opinions of keeping a dog to guard ones property.
http://islamqa.info/en/33668
I would appreciate you not accusing me of making my own fic sister as it is not the case in my situation. You keep referring to my dogs as pets however they are not. They have a job to do and they do it well.
Allah hu Alem
Muslimgirl has been banned for her ridiculous comments. I apologize if she troubled you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Muslimgirl, your comments are arrogant, judgmental and ignorant. You are making assumptions about Najah, throwing around your own personal (and wrong) fiqh, and going on about issues that have nothing to do with the post.
It is perfectly allowable in Islam to keep a dog for a necessary purpose. To say that someone who owns a guard dog should not post Islamic advice on this website is ridiculous and laughable.
Who do you think you are to tell Najah that she should own a gun instead of a guard dog? Both are perfectly halal. Why shouldn't she choose the that suits her.
I find your comments to be insulting, petty and unproductive. Consider yourself banned from this website.
Also, Najah, I apologize for allowing these moronic comments to be posted in the first place. I haven't been able to spend quite as much time moderating comments lately and sometimes find myself playing catch-up.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister
I will advice u do istekhara about making decision on divorce. Here this site u can see how to perform istekhara. I have done istekhara many time when i need any suggestion in critical moment. I just do istekhera and ask guidance from almighty Allah. So do this several time. And hope u will get the solution.
Assalamualaikum, my sister islam has rulings on how wifes are to be treated well in this matrimonial home you are a slave, this people are only taking advantage of ur weaknes, beleave me such a mother inlaw she only but a shaitan in human flesh she has nothing good to offer to the society no one can benefit anything good from her this are the kind of women one must avoid when looking for a wife bco's whoever marries a women like ur mother inlaw his life will be heading for distruction because she simple shaitan in human flesh, believe me the men out there who will appreciate you very well and i want to tell you i am one of them but in this case you have to be very prayer full for Allahto help you meet the right person because my only advice to you is not to go back there and i am very serious with what i am saying except you want to continue been a slave as the wright if a wife is not been giving to you, 4 examle the reason for your been in dat house is only because of your husband so you only owe your husband caring like washing his cloth taking care of his children cooking for him not any other relatives of him any other thing to any of his person will be willingly and as respect as for your mother inlaw because she is just like your mother but is not compulsory,unfortunate there are people like you we want dearly but is diffilcult to get connetet while the wrong people are those who usually have this kind of luck mayALLAH HELP US
yakubu, your comment is not appropriate ("there are men out there who will appreciate you and I am one of them"). This is a married woman you are talking to! Have some taqwa.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamualikum sis..... hmm may allah bless u and help u u really suffring there but be sure that allah's reward it will be bigger than what can u think cuz ur such an amazing one u obey him a nd his mother thes women actauuly should treat u as her daughter not as a servent she will accept that someont treat her duaghter the same way??!!!!!!! no i don't think so ohh peopl allah is watching us be afraid from his punishement...... sis dnt feel shy cyz u grow up without a a father its not something huge to worry about here si ur mom gave u all the love ana care masha allah so if ur husband come to make comment about thes topic am sorry sis but he didnt grow up maybe about love and feeling toward ppl ...... sis be patient and leave everything by Allah's hands dnt worry allah is great and he see everyhting and don't forget allah's reward just saty good musslimah as u are and u ll see that everything will be OK ...... for anyway his mother will die one day i dnt knw if she thinking about that or not but its a fact may allah guide her to the right path ameen
If what you said is true and you did not do bad or harmful things to the mother, family or the husband. Ie..you are telling the whole story.....then this is not marriage. ....I agree with all....I hate to say it ...but ask for divorce.
On the other hand, how come you love someone treats you like this? As what rasoolallah said....the man does not humiliate a lady....who ever does it then he is mean...and who ever respect them (ladies...wives) is a generously man.
find some one who will value you as a lady and wife.
thank you for the response, the thing is before marriage he promised me so many things such as I can study. I can work and no one would trouble me much. He knew I grew up alone so living with all these people would be hard for me. However, everyone in his house loves me and i did love him, I no longer love him, I don't know what I feel for him. My self esteem has declined so much that I can't even look at myself in the mirror (I began to cry). I wish my dad was alive or I wish i had brothers who could say things back to him. He insulted my mother so much , I have no idea what I have done so bad that makes him go crazy. I;m not allowed to have a "sad" face in that house. If i don't smile then his mom and himself gives me a huge lecture. They say things like, "in other house some girls gets beaten up or treated worse, so you are lucky". when i hear things like this I get shocked as to what century are they living in? even i can't believe the things that comes out my husband and his mothers mouth. Just an example, she keeps count of who ate what fruit. she goes around asking "who ate the mango?"
THANK YOU everyone for your response, I made the same mistake again and went back to him. As I have mentioned before I do feel love for him. This time when I came back he was "nice" for a week, brought me food that I like (for example). However, as time passed, it started again, his mother and him always talk about me behind my back, I always catch them talking about me, he complains I want to go out a lot , although I never ask him to go out, I only want to go to my parents house to visit. He says I'm lazy and I don't do anything, although I stay in the kitchen from 12 noon to 5 pm, cooking , cleaning. Nothing seems to be enough for my husband and his mom. My elder sis in law is in the same condition, however, her husband cares for her sooo much that at times I envy her (I even tell her that). She always tells me it seems like your husband doesn't love you. I feel it too. However, whenever I tell him lets end it then, he cries and then gets angry and says give me the money back that I spend on the wedding. When I hear things like this I get so heart broken. Since I hold a bachelors degree I'm trying to get a job, but recently I'm not having any luck, when I expressed to him I feel a little sad, he says lazy people like you won't get anything done in life. He always says things to insult me, So I have decided its better to be alone and be sad, then be with someone who is constantly ridiculing me. Please everyone pray for me and my family so the divorce doesn't break my moms heart. Sometimes I find myself asking Allah , why did my dad passed away and left me. Now because of me , my mom will suffer the pain of being a mother of a divorce. sisters please pray for me so Allah makes me strong and so that I'm able to care for my mother, she doesn't have anyone but me. She spent all her savings to get me married. The thing is although I live in America, my mom instilled some values from my country which always makes me think, how would society view me.
Dear Sister Mishtybrishty,
I feel for your pain. I want you to know that everything happens with Allah's will. Your dad passed away is a history and this is part of our journey, you should not feel guilty or too sad about it. Inshallah, he is in Jannah - a much better place with other believers.
You said you have a 1st degree, can you further studies before you go to the job market? There are some areas of industry still need people but you may need to change your specialty completely, e.g, nursing. I do not which part of US you are living right now, but do talk to the nearby community colleges, they have 2 years associate program that can enhance your competitive in the job market. There is subsidy to assist low income earner or no income earner. About your mom, I think she will support you and understand the situation. She also needs time to overcome the whole thing. You need to get out of the depression mood, inshallah. Do not afraid of what people thing of a divorcee, fear only Allah. Do not worry about money spent in the marriage, inshallah, you will earn it back. I will pray for you. Be strong and pray to Allah. Also, go to the masjid to find some support from other sisters, it really helps. Inshallah.