Regretful and unfortunate father; seeking advice in the light of Quran and Sunnah
Assalamoalikum Brothers and Sister,
I am very much depressed but compeletely hopeful on Allah's Mercy and really looking for your assistance and advice. May Allah Reward all of you for helping me during this one of the tuffest time in my life.
I am one of the most unfortunate person who has all the material success but worse family life. I came to West from well religious family as teenage for better education and opportunity. At the time of college at age of 20 I met a wonderful Christian girl while discussing Islam who was interested in Islam. Although I was strict but her simplicity did attracted me. I try to tell her lot about Islam in next few years, introduced her to Muslim Community. Finally I finished my college and got a well settled job. At this time we really want to get married but I was always in this doubt of being failure of this marriage due to difference of religion and culture.
At the time of marriage she did accepted Islam but she do not want to disclose to her family. After marriage I tried to change city so that I can give her best Islamic environment. She lived with me around 5 months and really practiced Islam with community etc. Then she came back with her mom and want to stayed with her...and during next 4 years she never told her family about Islam. I tried my best to give her Islamic environment but things never worked. I did loved her from my heart ……for that purpose I stayed in this country alone without my parents….
No doubt she has best character and Ikhlaq but all the time she was just not much interested on Islam, and that thing was killing me from inside. She never moved with me and stayed next four years with her mother. Slowly Stop going to Masjids and eventually stopped her prayers. During this time I beg Allah all the time for her Right Path. I get so depressed that I totally lost hope on her, but all the time she said she is Muslim. One day we have a huge fight and things fell in part, I have done some mistakes from my side by losing long patient that I admit. But after 3 or 4 months things get cool down.
During this difficult seprated time She started praying again, but again she told that she still need time to tell her mother about Islamic faith and she will move eventually. One thing she always wanted kids, but only thing I was so scared for uncertainty.... I was always telling her no I can’t take a risk, you need to have stable Islamic understanding and practice first. She always tell me that I am worried for nothing and Child will make her easy to understand her mother ( who hated Islam) and also will help her to be a better Muslim.
Also I did a lot of research and I got kind of idea that if someone accept Islam we should not judge them. I feel guilty and decided to have a child. Once she was 4 month pregnant things get changed. May be I was more demanding for her to practice Islam, be on her promises….and she did not take that pressure.
Finally got divorced, she filled restraining order through false allegation of being extremely religious, ……Till now I have not see my child ….some time i do regret my emotional but with true intention decesion ...but I honestly have strong faith when i feel Allah knows what happen...and what I was thinking at that time.....I feel kind embarrass to explain all this to my friends and community. I stopped participating in community but still dont want to lose my grip to going to the Masjid.
I was trying to be patient as much I could, praying Allah to help me and forgive my sins. My intention was always right. I was very social at one point and now I am just restricted to myself. Living totally alone life. Thinking all the time if my intention was so right way things get so messed up.
She is in complete revenge, she gave my daughter a non-Muslim name even She knows how much important is Islam for me. Know she filled a sole custody which I am going to fight in court.
Basically she want me to abandoned my 3 month old daughter forever. She broke all the relation with all the Muslim friends. I feel very offended when some of my close friends told me that I just leave this child and carry own my life for sake of my family and future. I am sure I cant do that, my inside always tell me do the best what I can, it was my emotional decision with correct intention and Allah knows the best.
Please help me with your advises, how I can raise my child, and under above circumstances how I can give message of Islam to my child whose future is with a family who hate Islam.
JAK for your kind advises.
Lidcomg.
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Salam brother,
Your in a very difficult situation,but all you need to do is to keep your faith in Allah since your intentions are
so clear and Allah know the best.
Try all that you can to get your daughter back and put her through islam.I believe that you wife was not very sincere and she did not get hadayat.
May Allah be with you
Salam
Salam,
Allah guides whoever He will. If what she is doing is for revenge, she will never succeed. I think you should pray for your baby and ask Allah to guide her, Allah listen to the prayer of a parent and no matter what kind of unislamic name she has given or if she does not expose the the child to islamic teachings when she is younger, she WILL be older one day and inshallah, Allah will guide her and there is nothing her mother will be able to do if she chooses to follow your way. I just think you should be patient and pray for her. Allah listens ALL the time 🙂 Make special dua and ask Allah for help with the custody thing, if its joint you will still see her as she grows up so you will be able to teach her of islam, Inshallah.
I wish you the best.
JAK For your kind advice
Brother,
Go to court and fight for your right to be a father to your daughter. It is one thing that your marriage did not work out, it is totally another for your ex wife to deny you the right to be a father to your child. Look in the city that you live in and seek help from services to help you forward in your struggle. Go to Social Services and ask around for help, tell them that you want to be a part of your daughters life and you need help as you don't know where to start. If they cannot help you, they can help guide you where to go. Need some help? Give me a city where you live and I will research some help for you and post it here on this forum. Your ex wife might not want to be a part of your life but she does not have the right to keep your daughter away from you. You need to let the courts know that you love your child and you want to be a father to her irregardless of your relationship with your ex wife. That my dear is your right. Now...get moving! Your three month old will be three years old before you know it! May Allah be with you!
PS...as the child of a father who walked out of my life when I was a wee thing, I commend you for wanting to be a part of your daughters life. In my book...you rock!
Salam
Salaams,
I see two separate issues here. The first issue is your feelings about how she approached her Islam, from the time she met you and converted until present. You have been playing the role of observer, making deductions and perhaps assumptions as you watch her choices and likely compare them to certain standards you may have held her to. Maybe you realized you were doing this, maybe you didn't. I really have no way of saying whether you were being fair with her, because I don't know what her experience was. What I can say is that being a convert in the west and being a female, it is a huge adjustment to make. I myself took months and years to sincerely adopt certain Islamic practices, but that didn't mean I had no belief or dedication to lslam. It only meant that it was more difficult than I had any way of anticipating when I took shahadah.
I don't think any of that matters now, because clearly your personal relationship with her is over. Whether she was more sincere or less sincere, it has nothing to do with you now. You have to leave that all in Allah's hands, as He is the One who truly knows her heart and can judge her rightly.
The second issue is your access and relationship to your daughter. This is something you have options to address, as you live in the west. You said she has already started court proceedings for custody, so this gives you the venue not only to request and establish visitation with your daughter, but to bring the concerns you have to the courts and request some form of joint custody so you can be a susbtantial part of your daughter's life. You will probably not get sole custody unless you can prove that you are an exceedingly better parent than she is. Most courts will try to award joint custody at best, unless one parent is clearly a detriment to their child.
Either way, she cannot get your complete parental rights terminated just by filing custody. You will always have the right to visitation, if nothing more. Don't underestimate the influence you can have in your daughter's life even if you only have a limited amount of time with her, because in these cases quality wins out over quantity. The only exception to this would be if you are truly a threat or danger to your daughter's welfare, which she (your ex wife) would have the burden of proving.
All of my advice is given based on what information you've shared. If there are details you are withholding, that can change the outcomes. For instance, you said your ex wife got a restraining order against you. That's no small thing, and I personally am not aware of any jursidictions at least in the US which will award a restraining order only for religious differences or issues. Usually there has to be some type of harrassment or violence present for those to be granted, so if there was an aspect of that in your relationship that you have not mentioned, that will be examined by the judge during your custody hearings. If you have problems managing your anger or emotions, I suggest you get counseling as soon as possible. Not so much so you can have an advantage in court, but because you need to be self-controlled enough to be the best father to your daughter that you can- in whatever capacity that ends up being.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
From the moment a muslim man can marry a christian, I dont understand all the fuss in trying to convert your wife or make her a practising muslim. It is not required.
It seems she felf under pressure and tried to please you in half-converting if you like, but it didnt work out.
You need to have accepted her for who she was and I guess you broke her heart for not doing so.
You must also have a correct understanding of Islam in that it allows you to be with a practicing christian.
Your only obligation is to bring up your child as muslim.
Now considering there are only some small differences between islam and christianity, I think all would have been fine if you had not pressured her so much.
Thanks Every one for sincere advice.
I have got joint custody, I do bring my little girl for 3 times in a weaek. I am alone in this country without family and working kind of out two hours drive away where my ex- wife lives. It is one of the most hardest test I think ever I can imagine. I am doing my best but I know I am still very week I regularly ask Allah for help.
Some time get tired and get hopeless about the way my daughter is growing in very un-Islamic way. But what I can do only do and do my best...please share if any advice under these circumstances how raise my little girl so that she can follow Islam ...once she grow up...Please advice me some specific steps that I follow right away to raise my child as a strong mulimah...
JAK