Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Alone wife with serious marriage problems

Lonely woman

As-salamu alaykum readers,

With lots of hope I am writing here knowing that you will help me out as I am very alone and can't tell anyone. Let me tell you in detail my problem.

I have got married to my husband 8 months ago, we were engaged for about 2.5 years prior to our marriage. It was completely  arranged marriage, my parents and his parents choice. As soon as I got engaged to him, I was 22 years old I got to know we were completely opposite of each others. I am outgoing, cheerful, loud spoken and happy go girl while he was reserved, extremely angry and principle kind of person. He wanted me to change completely for him.

In our starting days, when we used to talk when there was some topic that he didn't like to be discussed and I not knowing this ask him about that, he get so angry and starting abusing me verbally and wouldn't talk to me for few days, till I beg him pardon. He whole life surrounds his mother, he can even divorce me for his mom.

Now after marriage things are getting pretty worse. When he gets angry, he slaps me, he says very abusive dirty words about my mom and dad, like prostitute pimp etc, though he is double masters. I don't like this and when I say your mom is too like this he yells so badly at me and say my mom with very very dirty words which makes me kill myself at the very moment.

I cant tell this to my parents I don't want them to get hurt. I know there is some mistakes by my parents for not giving him enough respect but torturing me, keeping in mind each and every word my parent has said and than later home after coming to home saying abusive thing to them its very hurtful.

I am housewife, I keep on working since morning till afternoon till night, my husband's mother go to gym, swimming , shopping all day, while I am sitting at home, when I ask him to take me some where he is never agree on it.

I am really hurt and very very sad - don't know what shall I do to make him love my parents,  I tell my parents their mistakes but I am not allowed to call them more often once in 15 days, and I can go to my parents place once in a month so communicating and telling them his issues is not possible.

Kindly can you tell me some wazifa, to make him calm and start loving my parents and respect them as I do to his mom and dad. I have no one to share, my heart is crying this moment. I am very scared of him. I know I am outspoken and argumentative too. I can't leave him. please help me. He is very genius, he can get access to all my accounts, my cell phones my messages. I am writing this hiding from him. my in laws are very caring and loving like my [parents. i wish to have never ending love between me and my husband. we are trying to have kid, this also makes me unhappy as we are not getting pregnant, if you can give wazifa for this too i will be very grateful

With regards

nunu89moza

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16 Responses »

  1. OP: Now after marriage things are getting pretty worse. When he gets angry, he slaps me, he says very abusive dirty words about my mom and dad, like prostitute pimp etc, though he is double masters.

    Your husband may have double masters but he behaves like a high school dropout. He does not know how to behave nicely with his wife and you think he is a genius. He seems to have an anger problem and one day he may hurt you bad. STOP arguing with him. Let your parents know how he treats you and what he says about them.

  2. Marriage is not easy for almost everyone.
    Don't let your family interfere in your relationship with your husband.
    Don't favour your family in front of your husband.
    Don't speak against your inlaws in front of your husband.
    Shaitan puts negative things in our mind and make a very horrible picture, then we are unable to look at positive things.
    Stop feeling any bad things for your inlaws.Clean your heart and leave everything on Allah.
    Focus on your husband,avoid actions, topics of discussion, comments, which makes him angry.
    .Make him feel that he is the head of family and you are admitting this by your actions.
    Start thinking positively and look for good qualities in your husband.
    Tell him your problems and ask for the solution.Let him find the solution.
    Since you don't have kids so you can study further or start doing job.
    Also find some suitable hobby for yourself.
    This will keep your mind busy and keep you away from shaitan's whispers.
    May Allah ta'ala help you and give you wisdom and patience aameen

    • How is thinking positively going to prevent her husband from slapping her? He is abusing her physically and emotionally.

      I think you may need to get a 3rd party involved. No decent muslim or nonmuslim human being would ever insult his wife's parents. Using dirty words to describe your beloved mother and yelling at you?

      It sounds like you are in India or Pakistan. Please ask an elder to speak to him about his conduct. It is very dangerous and completely unIslamic. Jannah is at the feet of the mother -- why is he being disrespectful????? If you have children, will he encourage your children to respect you or disrespect you? These are serious matters that you should think about. A wazifa does not change a man.

      Also, I am worried about your physical well-being. If his violence escalates then you must have a back-up plan to leave the home and go somewhere safe. Is there a close friend or family member you can speak to about this?

    • Another horrible advice from this user. The husband is being a jerk without being provoked from his wife, from what the OP is telling us. So it doesn't matter how robotic and weak this person chooses to become to not step on her husband's toes, the man will most probably not change his ways, because he has issues. The problem with abusive men is not their wives, but their own anger management issues. Stop blaming this woman for her husband's abuse and advice her to compromise on her rights and dignity as a Muslim woman. A wife is not her husband's slave, she has the right to get upset when he slaps her and verbally abuses her and her family for no reason.

      • @Leylani

        Another horrible advice from this user

        The advice is for OP,who cares what you think.

        husband is being a jerk without being provoked from his wife,

        She writes"I know I am outspoken and argumentative too,I know there is some mistakes by my parents for not giving him enough respect ",that's the clue.

        the man will most probably not change his ways

        How can you say so? Don't make your own assumptions.

        The problem with abusive men is not their wives, but their own anger management issues.

        Best example of male gender stereotyping.

        Stop blaming this woman for her husband's abuse and advice her to compromise on her rights and dignity as a Muslim woman. A wife is not her husband's slave

        Where did I blame her?, please refrain from misleading readers and OP. She's writing as she needs solutions( she write "I can't leave him,I want to make him calm and start loving my parents and respect them"), hence your media jargons about women's rights is useless for her..

        • Alright guys (you too Leylani), let's try to be civil to each other. We can disagree politely.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • @Recovering

          Assalamalaikum,
          I understand you in saying to be patient and put your faith in Allah to the OP. However, OPs husband has no right to abuse her physically and emotionally. A husband and a wife are equal partners and they both have rights. In this situation, patience and putting your faith in Allah while still doing nothing won't turn into a good outcome. OP has to step up and tell someone(her parents or relative). Clearly from what is read, the sisters husband is very controlling and abusive. She definitely needs help and honestly, if she endured this much already while there is still no improvement, why should she continue dealing with it. What is the meaning of marriage of there isn't any respect,love, and good treatment?

        • Recovering,

          The advice is for OP,who cares what you think
          I don't care that you or others don't care about what I think. I don't voice my opinions to gain anyone's attention. I was frustrated with what you wrote, so I voiced my frustration.

          She writes"I know I am outspoken and argumentative too,I know there is some mistakes by my parents for not giving him enough respect ",that's the clue.
          So?
          1) Why is SHE to blame, and punish, for what her parents are doing?
          2) Since when is being outspoken a crime to be abused for? Or even a crime to commit altogether?
          3) Her husband is doing and saying much worse to her, and he's obviously being outspoken and disrespectful - yet, she doesn't slap him. So why is HE entitled to slap her, but she isn't entitled to slap him? Honestly, slaps and beatings and abuse have no place in a marriage. Regardless of what is being done and said. There's nothing you can say that will justify what this man has done and is doing.

          How can you say so? Don't make your own assumptions.
          I wasn't making assumptions. I said he MOST LIKELY won't change his ways - because I know what stubborn people are like. I didn't say he won't change, ever. I cannot guarantee the OP that he won't. So I was just telling her that he possibly won't :).

          Best example of male gender stereotyping.
          No, not really. Abuse just isn't justified by anything :). It doesn't matter if it's a man being abusie or a woman. In this case, however, it's the man who's abusive.

          Where did I blame her?, please refrain from misleading readers and OP. She's writing as she needs solutions( she write "I can't leave him,I want to make him calm and start loving my parents and respect them"), hence your media jargons about women's rights is useless for her..
          What are you even talking about? I can't help but laugh, because I'm like the last person to make up my opinions and views off the media. You were telling this woman that if she just sits quietly like some lap dog, and don't react to her husband's verbal abuse, then everything will be fine. Well, yeah, they'll be fine, because this woman will just be sitting there doing nothing. I'm sure that'll make her abuser happy.

          • Leylani, It is so good to see strong Muslim women here who fight for justice! So many women seem to think Islam is just about being an obedient wife and being passive. They forget many verses in the Quran that are against oppression of people. Men only quote the verses that say women should be obedient or that women can be hit. But Allah is compassionate and loving and I can not believe women were meant to take abuse, mistreatment and be passive!!! Your words are so encouraging Leylani as well as some other strong Muslim women on this site that have truly inspired me as well to be strong and not take abuse or let anyone use me. Thank Allah for courageous women to set examples to all women of Islam!

          • Good response!

      • A wife is not a slave but from living in some Islamic cultures women are treated this way. I have lived in two Islamic cultures and women are treated horrible and as second class citizens in Muslim countries! I had to escape abuse myself. Marriage is not about being abused and hit and hurt. It should be a place of peace and love. Culture can be very harsh and it was upsetting to see how women were truly treated with no more right then a child. False interpretations of Islam and culture may be why women are treated so poorly and like dirt. Women are treated as if they have weak intelligence,but this is not true and unjust!!! I agree with your advice Leylani! When it comes to abuse or emotional abuse a women has a right to leave and right to divorce with Khula. Women need to take a stand against domestic abuse and oppression by bad husbands. If we as women do not allow a husband to treat us poorly then less men would be abusive because no women would accept them or their abuse!!!

        • Thank you for your kind words, Merva 🙂 I totally agree that the word 'obedient' is often given a definition that is just ridiculous and insane. And it's even more upsetting to me when it's women who teach other women to be content in abusive, oppressive, slave-like relationships...if I ever have daughters, I would never teach them to put up with anything...

  3. Sister say your prayers , also I will advise to involve your parents so the two families can talk and find a middle course. I am sure it's not that hard.

    Read Seven Habits of Highly effective People by Stephan covey . Do read it, it helped me a lot and I am sure it will help you too

    May Allah SWT makes your life easy

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    If you want to know how to change him, realize that he wasn't able to change you - for the most part, it isn't easy to change human behaviour--it takes awareness and an intention, along with a rigid plan to overcome a habit or behaviour that we exhibit.

    If you want to know a way to live with a man who will slap you and verbally abuse you, well, you are already living like that. You can completely change yourself, but abuses and those who support abusers will tell you that if you change yourself by doing x, y, z, then he will no longer hit or curse you. In other words, abuses and those who think like them, will tell you that it is YOUR behaviour that is CONTROLLING their action. Frankly, someone who beats to the tune of others so much so that they can't control their actions, would hardly be called a leader, let alone a leader of a family. If your husband's actions depend 100% on you, he is a loose canon.

    You can't make your husband love your parents and you can't change your parents, you can't change anyone or anything, except for what it is in your control. This is the essence of your sadness. You are trying to change people and their behaviour. Dear Sister, you can't do that. You can influence others, but, change no.

    Unfortunately, when you were engaged to your now-husband, there were signs of abuse there. You have no married him, probably in hopes of changing him and making your family happy, but it isn't going to happen.

    Decide upon the two things:
    1. Continue to live like this by always walking on eggshells and hoping you won't say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing at the wrong time - dear sister, you are human. Some men believe they are superior to women and then are shocked at all the wrong things they do - quite ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with the both of you discussing your likes and wants, but the fact you are scared of him means most likely you are in an abusive relationship.

    2. Seek counselling both with and without him. It isn't normal to have to sneak around to ask a question for fear of someone checking your phone/messages/accounts.

    Please consider working on your marriage BEFORE you bring a child into this life. Even if it works out with him, this isn't the time to have a child. Children are not band-aids to fix a troubled marriage.

    May Allah help you to find the best solution for you, Ameen.

  5. How can his parents be loving and nice if they are letting his shout at and hit you?

    I would also recommend you seek couselling or some change in your marriage before you bring a child into it.

    He has to know that hitting you is wrong, and abusing your parents is also wrong. Doesn't matter if they didn't show him as much respect as he feels he is owed. He should treat your parents like his own, and people don't keep track of how much their parents respect them or the things they said.

  6. Assalam O Alaikum,

    In Asian countries ,such cases are common and a man is usually obsessed of ego and superiority.
    It seems there has been any mishap among your parents and husband as you mentioned :

    "I know there is some mistakes by my parents for not giving him enough respect but torturing me, keeping in mind each and every word my parent has said and than later home after coming to home saying abusive thing to them its very hurtful".

    You must take initiative by discussing him and try to know whether he is behaving for any reason or he is habitually ill mannered person.Make him realize that you are sincere with him and also grieved on such mishap.If he has grudge against it than he might not get healed easily and you have to suffer a lot for your marriage survival.

    You have hope and love for him ,so at this point you are willing to get pregnant and assume that a child can strengthen your relationship.If you get pregnant in same situation,your misery will increase.your husband will continue restrictions and you will remain alone and scared to share your problems even with your parents.You cannot persuade him to love your parents but he may respect them if you figure out the problem.

    Please mend your relationship yourself with him through mutual understanding otherwise it will be a worsen situation. In case he cannot change himself than its useless to continue whole life in same way.Even after a child,he will not respect or love you.However ,it is disgusting to have check on your all means of social communication like phone and signify lack of trust in you.As you said he is genius and well educated than problem can be solved by taking initiative to develop mutual understanding.

    May Allah help you to tackle circumstances and bless you a happy married life.

    UN

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