Confused about marriage
Salaam.
This past year has been crazy. I was introduced to a guy that my family told me about and after discussing everything we decided he would be a good guy to marry. I was happy and I told my family that I agreed. When the wedding preparations were going on, something came up and evidently my relationship with that guy ended because of some issues.
At this point, my family was very cooperative with me and we were thinking maybe this is a sign that I should hold off on marriage. But before I knew it, my family brought up the choice of my cousin, whose family had been asking to marry me for quite some time now. I felt that because many of the wedding preparations were already made, my family would think that people would raise questions on why the marriage with the first guy did not work out. (Although they said that this was not the case and that I didn't have to if I didn't want to, I could tell from their expressions that it was something they were thinking about, why else would they bring him up right after my first proposal ended?). When they asked me if I was okay with marrying my cousin, at that time I said yes but in the back of my mind I was thinking that if I say no, my family would be discouraged because of all the preparations that will go to waste. I said yes. And just like that within a few days, I went from marrying one guy to another. I couldn't even tell my friends the truth about what happened because I didn't think this is a natural occurrence to change the groom so suddenly. I let people still think I was marrying the first guy to avoid a bunch of questions.
Everything was happening so fast but I could see that my family was somewhat relieved so I didn't say anything. A few months later, We left as scheduled to his hometown for the nikkah. We talked there and I felt okay with the whole situation and just took it as something that was meant to happen since they had asked for my hand in marriage before. The nikkah took place and after a few more weeks there, I traveled back home. A married woman. Within the first month, everything was normal but slowly I started feeling uneasy and uncomfortable with the whole situation. I don't know why I started to feel unconnected to him and I slowly started to stop responding to his messages. He is a great guy but I'm not feeling the connection of the marriage anymore. I don't feel love for him. Sometimes when I think about not being married to him anymore, I feel relieved.
He is completely the opposite and that's what makes me feel so horrible for feeling the way that I do. He tells me he loves me and that he's happy. Maybe it is the long distance but I'm not sure. Maybe it's the cousin thing. I'm not sure. I have filed for his papers to come to my hometown and recently I have been getting so nervous at this reality. What if I feel no connection towards him once he gets here? Sometimes I wish that I would've told my family that I did not want to marry after the first proposal did not work out so I could take some time to think about things. And I know if I say anything to them now, they'll remind me how I agreed to marry him and I should just work it out when he comes.
Is that the right way to look at it or should I go with my gut feeling about it?
I don't know what to do or how to change how I'm feeling. I know I willingly agreed to marry him but I've been feeling so depressed lately and I don't know what to do about it.
Please any advice. Salaam.
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Sister,
The very best advice that I can offer you as a mother myself is to go and speak with your parents. Your parents have no way to know what and how you are feeling if you are silent. Maybe if you open up with them, they can shed some light on the situation or offer you some guidance in the matter. In the end of the day, it's your life you are talking about here. Like many young women, you think you have to please your parents and do what you think they would like however, marrying a man...any man out of a feeing of obligation or the like is just crazy.
I believe you need to look deep down and listen to your gut instincts. Do what it is that you need to do for yourself. It's you life in the end and you are the one who has to live it.
Best of luck to you, Salam
Do deeply pray to make a relationship of Love nd friendship between you and your husband.
talk to him. take some time from him to realize his presence in your life so that u may accept him as ur life partner . May Allah help u and make ur married life full of happiness ameen.
Salaam. I totally disagree....speak to parents for what? now only ? so you couldn't or let me just say the truth you didn't want to tell them the truth before all the things they did to make u happy? my dear marriage is not a joke I don't think you have the right to play with peoples feelings just because of gutt feelings and assumptions....u did agree nobody forced you..... he is your husband now it's no more gutt feelings it will now be sins and injustice to make a wrong move..... he didn't force u he married u with your consent now u having issues and blaming it on them all? I tell u I never loved my husband only after 3 years..... but I stayed with him because it was his right I said yes so I had to stand up for justice face the reality and be mature responsible.... I Am divorced now yes due to valid reasons not petty issues.
dear sister i agree with you. heniya you should not tell everyone that you are divorced its a thing thats gone.
now to the answer
marriage is not a game, you should have thought at that time. your this action would break many hearts especially your husband will go through pain. you should be thankful to Allah who give you good in laws.
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sister,
Since the first marriage didn't work out, you probably rushed into the second especially after seeing relief and happiness in your family. This probably wasn't a good idea (to rush), but it doesn't mean necessarily that your decision was wrong in the end.
I suggest, like Sr. Najah, to speak to your mother about the issues. Personally, I believe that sponsoring your husband isn't an easy thing to do. At the very beginning part of marriage especially two people don't know each other much, it can seem like a burden and many things can come to your mind, wondering if this person is really sincere and going to appreciate the effort--especially for the wife. I think your feelings stem from feeling insecure, not getting comforted from your husband the reassurance you probably don't even realize that you want/need.
More than likely, inn shaa Allah, your husband will keep you happy--just share your feelings with your mother, try to get to know your husband, and pray lots and lots to Allah swt for whatever He thinks is best for you--not for what you think is best. Focus on the positive and avoid toxic comments--feed your soul with positivity and give your husband a chance. Sometimes people marry someone they are head over heels for, but later, their feelings may not be that intense, or may change--perhaps for you, it may be working the opposite way, so don't quickly rush out of this decision as quickly as you went for it. May Allah help you to find the best solution, Ameen.
Selam alekum sister, Follow your gut feelings along with praying to Allah and making sure that your gut feelings are in line with Allah's plan for your life. Your gut feelings can prevent you from harm and this is a gift given by Allah to protect you . If you feel unhappy and ınsure about this man then you have right to ask for Khula. Marriage should be about harmony and love between the spouses. Many women are taken advantage of by men in this time and age so women need to be extra wise and cautious and pick a good man for marriage on who is good in deen,caring ,compassionate and has empathy. You made a mistake and you have a right to change your life. You do not have to feel stuck in a marriage if you are unhappy or you have bad feelings about this man. Sometimes we are misguided and make serious mistakes in marriage but that does not mean you have to stay stuck for life.
Assalamualaikum
Sister. This is exactly what I'm going through now. Entirely the same to same situation
The only difference is that the first guy was also my cousin and now the second too is my cousin And I'm hell confused about this.. My parents say that it's completely my decision may it be yes or no... I don't know if your problem is solved but please do tell me if you've come up with a solution or something that might help. Me too.. As the case is same for both of us..
May Allah bless you with the righteous spouse . Ameen Summa Ameen