Confused Istikhara
I met this wonderful man, he is pious. From the day he met me he has been performing the Istikhara. We got closer and closer until we fell in love. After almost the 5th Week of performing Istikhara daily he asked for my hand and I accepted. We agreed he will come and talk to my family very soon.
Two month after that he traveled to another country and suddenly, over he course of that day he changed 360 degrees and asked to stop the relationship saying that he performed the Istikhare again when he flew away and is not suddenly not having a good feeling. So I also decided to do Istikhara again and am feeling closer and closer and in more pain. Its been 3 month, we have not been intouch at all but I know he is going through Pain and is not happy at all as I heard from his friend.
Neither am I, I am not at peace with myself. Is this possible, could he perform Istikhara all the time and the minute the Istikhara gives him a different feeling he should listen to him. He said when your away from influences usually istkhara works better.
Please advise me.
- Hind83
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
dear sister in islam
instikharah alone will not be enough,you need to tell Allah what you want,Allah says;ask Me and I will listen,
so tell Allah what you want,state your intention.if you want the man to come back to you tell Allah to return him to you in peace.
take care sister and best of luck.
ma salam
for Prophetic dua please visit http://www.thepiouscity.blogspot.com
Salaam My Sister,
It sounds to me like your intended is confused and he is mixing up his internal lack of confidence with the outcome of Istikhara. One istikhara alone should be enough to point him in the right direction - however doing Istikhara every day shows that he is unsure in himself, as it is not something that one needs to repeat every day.
I shall explain it to you in another way:
A woman wants to buy a pair of shoes, but can't decide which one she likes best. So she does a quick rhyme, pointing at a different shoe with each word saying: ip, dip, do, I, choose, you. She is then unhappy with the choice she has landed, so she does the same thing again, until she gets the answer she wants.
I am not saying Istikhara is something minor like this, of course it isn't - but I am just trying to demonstrate why people repeat things when they have already received an answer to their question.
When we do Istikhara, the answer is the answer. Re-performing istikhara every single day is not necessary - Allah knows everything, so why would he change his answer from day to day? Allah knows what is, what was and what is going to be, and Allah is not ambivalent about what he dictates. Therefore, we do not need to ask Allah repeatedly and repeated "are you sure?", "are you sure?" - the answer is the answer and that is the end of that.
Your intended is simply projecting his own doubts and fears onto everything external to him and he is letting his own doubts and fears interfere with what he knows is right. When we look for signs, we find them: and he is looking everyday for signs from his Istikhara, but what he does not realise is that he will find the signs that he is looking for. When he doubts, he will find signs to doubt, when he has faith, he will find signs to support that faith and everything he is experiencing is coming from him.
My advice to you is to carry on with your life and continue your life, work, education etc and try not to meditate on what he is doing too much. He will come to his conclusion eventually - so what is important for you and your mental health is for you to not ride this roller coaster of changing decisions with him and go through the agony of his mixed feelings and decisions.
The ideal situation that you should be aiming for is that your life continues to progress during this period of time, so that you are not putting yourself on hold. This will only breed resentment and anger and eat into your ability to be patient. By continuing your life's progress this way you protect yourself from negative emotions, impatience, jealousy, resentment and anger - because you are not sacrificing your life for someone's indecisiveness. What you also do when you continue progress in yourself and life, is enable yourself to be very welcoming if he does decide to come and ask for you, and also prepare yourself to recover easily if he doesn't.
My advice is: don't stop and wait, keep moving forwards and accept that whatever happens happens and that is OK.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Dear Hind83, Asalaamualaikum,
I am sorry for the difficult time you are going through. May Allah make this difficulty easy for you.
Unfortunately, alot of us do not know how to do Istikhara properly or how to recognise Allah(swt)'s answers. It is only after various experiences and further reading that I developed a better understanding of it.
It does seem strange that this man was so keen to marry you and then all of a sudden he flipped.
- It could it be that perhaps he was giving you hopes of marriage just so that he could justify spending time with you and so is now using Istikhara as an excuse to get out. Do you know enough about this man to trust him?
- Or it could be that this person genuinely doesnt understand his feelings, is confused and thinks that what he is feeling is Istikhara talking.
Sister, if this man was genuinely confused, I am assuming that he would have tried to contact you atleast once during the last three months but having said that, I do not know what is really going through his mind as I can only speculate.
Based on the facts, I would advise you to try to forget him. I agree with Leyla, when she says do not put yourself on hold for him. If you work on strengthening yourself emotionally and spiritually, you will be in a better position to decide what to do if he does come back your way.
However, I can see that this may be difficult for you because he did not give you a credible reason for rejecting you; hence there has been no closure. So to put your mind at ease, maybe you could contact him to find out the real reason behind his sudden change of mind. Do not try to change his mind, simply ask him for a clear explanation. This may lead to clarification and towards marriage, alternately it may help you leave him and move on.
Either way, it will hopefully help you move forward inshaAllah. Whichever way you decide to go foward, do it with a clear mind and accept the outcome as the will of Allah.
***
Sister - when getting to know someone for marriage, we have to be careful. It is easy to let feelings take over, which is why it is better to get family members involved sooner than later. This also helps to keep the process halaal. It is easy to grow affection or have love for someone whom you are getting to know for marriage purposes, but you say that you have 'fallen in love' with this man, this may be because you did not adhere to the limits set by Allah. Whatever you do from now, do your best to maintain Islamic limits, maybe if you do contact this person now, let a trusted family member know first inshaAllah.
Going on to Istikhara, the whole point of doing Istikhara is to seek guidance from Allah because we cannot always trust our own feelings. Having found out all the necessary information you need to judge whether this person is a good potential for you or not, ask Allah to guide you to the best path. If marrying this man is the best thing for you, Allah will make that path easy for you. If marrying this man is not the best thing for you, then Allah will make that path difficult for you.
Oh Allah, Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous (Al Quran)
May Allah make things clear and easy for you,
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
peace out sister you will forget about him soon. Time is the greatest healer
A/Salam ...I see the dream...me my daughter and my brother we was buying ipad cover I have red cover that I throw it and I was buying new cover I ask how much it is he said 200 ...I giving him to...and my brother say to me you don't give him. .I giving to him
First i accept to marry a girl. Both the families are ready and preparing for marriage. Now i do not want to marry her. Give me some tips