Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced nikah and now I feel suicidal

Forced marriage poster for people in the UKA rishta kept persisting, one in which my family was obsessed, seeing as his family was similar to ours and he prayed daily, had family principles and was kind. However since I was only 19 I didn’t want to want to get married, in no way was I physically or mentally prepared for marriage.

This point (my lack of readiness) was treated as infantile by my family as they were told guys don’t want to marry girls when they are older around 23/24 because they think they have messed about and a lot of girls that age are sitting home, and that good rishtas are hard to find.

However I really didn’t like this guy because despite the qualities they loved he wasn’t what I wanted from life. I wanted to be with someone similar to me someone I could laugh with and feel comfortable with. This person is mature - a quality they like - but when it comes to my age it made it hard to converse in things I liked without the feeling that I was being judged. In short words to me he was was boring and there was no physical attraction.

As well as this I told my parents about someone else who I wanted to marry instead. It was someone who went to the same school as me was a bit older but had become my best friend. I never wanted to do anything haram so when we knew we wanted to marry each other I told my parents because I never wanted but to be that girl who dated because I wouldn’t want to do that to my family. However when I told them about this it made things a lot worse. They had issues with this guy because since they already had 2 meetings with the other family, they felt this rishta has to happen or their respect will go. Also they had an issue with other guys height saying he’s too short for me, as I’m 6 ft he’s around 5”10-5”11 so people would laugh.

They stopped me from going to work and uni and said I’d only be allowed to go back if I marry the guy they wanted.

They met the other guy and family but basically the meeting was them telling them to stay away. They said they didn’t like that family yet they met them only once and the family they liked they met them many times so I don’t think it was a fair comparison because I got on with this guy, planned a life and was happy. But the guy they wanted me to marry made me hate life.

The ultimatum they have was that I marry their guy, their rules, or I have to leave the family. We had a family friend who did that and I saw the effects it had on the family afterwards I couldn’t do the same. I wasn’t in a dark place after the physical and mental abuse my family gave me so I panicked and gave in. But yo until the nikkah I made a fuss. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want it and even called it my janazah. I had no input in the planning or anything they still did it because they thought I’d be happy and won over by this guy and his qualities and forget the guy I wanted to marry.

On the nikkah all I did was sign a paper there was  no molvi near me and no qalima nor did they ask 3 times. I was just told they were marrying me, easily crying I was made to sign. Since that day till now I’ve been crying and so has my family they want me to sacrifice my happiness for them and trust their rescuing but this guy makes me sick everyday I want to cry. He is nice and claims to love me despite me talking to him badly, but he has a bossy and controlling side no one else sees. His parents always pick st things I do and I find him boring and uninteresting and there is no physical attraction. I’m very unhappy.

My family says, ¨If you try god will put happiness in your life, so try for us. Divorce is disliked, u will be a second class citizen, u have to try it’s unfair on that family if we get a divorce.¨

To me I’d rather die than live with him.  No amount of time will heal that. I don’t want to be raped by him and I think to end this will help us both move on with our lives quicker. Whenever I see him I remember the abuse I received.  They blame the other guy for that and think I want a divorce because of him, but I want a divorce for me as I’m unhappy and feel suicidal every day what do I do?

- anon6789

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3 Responses »

  1. Dear Anon6789, AoA, I'll try to be brief and concise. The most important things you should remember are that 1) Allah never burdens any soul with more than what they can handle. While I know that the situation you are in is imaginably unbearable, you can handle it, that is why you are being tested in such a way. Allah is al Aalim; for sure, Allah knows best. 2) Allah knows what is in your heart and sees just any struggle you might be enduring at the moment. While you might think that you are all alone in this situation and you might feel betrayed by your own; i.e your family for allowing such distress in your life, you actually are not. Plead to Allah, cry your heart out and hold on to your prayers until you see light at the end of the tunnel and even after. Besides, sometimes it is hard for us to understand the reasoning behind our parents' decisions for us but they surely only mean the best for us. Do not despair. You will be better. Things will get better in your life eventually. I don't know how but I know for sure it will and that too, in the best and most mysterious ways. Remember 'The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried'. Allah is undoubtedly the best of planners and love us more than our parents can fathom to do. Trust the process and stay strong. Life is indeed a precious gift meant to be held on to, as strongly as we can. You are for sure in my duahs. In Sha Allah, things will get better and you'll be happier very soon. Keep being brave.

  2. I’d rather die than live with him
    How about you put the energy you put into contemplating death towards just divorcing your husband and deal with your family's disappointment? If you need to, get help from the authorities. Death is never the alternative to did you manage to skip through all other options there are for you between remaining married to a man you hate and death? As I said: get in touch with the authorities if you need protection from your family, and get a divorce. Then, when you have your life together, marry the man you prefer and be happy :). Death will come to you one day, don't worry - but Allah decides when, not you.

  3. You need to get a divorce and you need to separate from this family. Accept their ultimatum and do both. That option will still be better than death and then you can marry the other guy you want. Salam.

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