Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I separate haram from halal in my situation?

Duaa is a powerful tool that Allah has given us to improve our lives and obtain guidance and forgiveness

Salaam to all

I am a single mum of two trying to get back on my feet after separating from my husband last year for many reasons. I am currently going through my divorce, english one and had said to myself that never again would I get into another wedlock. Never again would I let anyone in my life again and I know this is going to sound bad but I also said if I did meet someone it would never be a muslim guy.

But here I am in a situation and as daft as it might sound I download a software to listen to music not realising that it was also used for chatting. Getting these pop ups in the corner of my screen would really enrage me as to how people (men) were able to contact me. Stupidly enough I answered one and came down on him like a tonne of bricks, ended up becoming friends with him and taking that friendship further.

I really like this person as we have a lot in common but my gut instinct is also telling me not to let go and that is looking beyond this feeling of wanting him. I have told family they have told me to stop talking to him but at first told me to forget about him completely. I had tried to stop but as I am going through counselling at the moment when I have questions I tend to want to ask rather than leave them which meant we ended up talking. But this time I have said that I will try harder wait till my divorce goes through and then contact him again through family guidance/involvement.

I understand that part of what I was doing was wrong and why I have decided also to do istikhara but want to wait a few days just to be able to get that distance and clearer mind before doing. So that I am able to ask for guidance with the right intentions and reasons.

In life making decisions I have always turned to Allah in the way of pray/namaz and have always spoken from the heart and in response have got guidance in the same way. How do I separate what is right and wrong with this situation? If you could guide me in this, I would be very grateful.

~Sister Fozia


Tagged as: , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. Sister Fozia,
    I beg your pardon for not reading your original post and advising you. Now that you mentioned that you were in abusive relationship in which case I would say that you should not rush into another marriage until you have moved on. It's good that you are going for counselling so until you feel in your heart and mind that you can move on, you should not rush into marriage. It's a known fact driven from many studies/surveys that women who have been in abusive relationships almost always end up making the same mistake. I might be confusing you with my advice and I apologize to you for that as I wasn't completely aware of your situation. But, try to heal and move on, as hard as it may be you shouldn't commit to next relationship until you are over your ex and scars from abuse have healed completely. I believe if this brother knows about your previous marriage then he might understand iA.

    May Allah (swt) guide you through all this and help you make the best decision for yourself and your children. Amin

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers

    • salaam
      yes brother i fully understand what you are saying. and belive me i have put myself through extensive rebuilding from with in. i am a person that does not like covering up or as they say brushing the past under the carpet only for it to build and explode. you only think that by hiding it , it will be easy but no it makes it much harder. and on the face of it, it looks and feels like it is much harder to face the truth but no look at it from every angle short and long term and it will make sense to face and deal. i belive the best way is to deal and face the issue i look at the pros and cons rights and wrongs seek help and advice look at the past present and think ahead i do my best to look and learn from my mistakes and others mistakes that have been in my situation or similar and try to better myself and the person that i am. i would never have put myself in a position to look for a husband if i did not feel i was ready for it or if i had not dealt with it (my past)obioviously there are certian things or issues you cant deal with until you are in that situation and you retrain you body to accept that not all will react like my ex but this brother is aware of this perticular issue and addressed it very well and guided me in the direction of the "LATEEF PROJECT"based in birmingham which provides councilling to the muslim community with qualified counsellers and trained in the knowldge of islam so guide you with the fundementals of islam but also understand from a muslim community point of view i would reccomend them to anyone with any issues
      jazakala

      • salaam
        thank you for your responses
        i just wanted to add that since i last responded i have now taken up the jibab and niqaab and feel absulutly fantanstic my kids took to it really well i actully put it on at night on one occasion to show the kids and asked them questions and they both said it was nice and "it looks nice on you mummy" and that they were happy if mummy wore it out side and saw a funny side to it as they are only 2 and 3 years old my family on the other hand thought i went into it too quickly and maybe they are right as i did not aquaire enough information on the niqaab before hand but i got to the stage where i felt i could not leave the house without wearing the jiilbab now one question i know and correct me if i am wrong from what i have read and listened to niqaab is not wajab but i wear it out of pure personal desire and passion i dont wear make up at all any more but what i did not know was if i were to go out in the garden would i be disrespecting the niqaab if i did not put it on just to like through out the bin or put the clothes out i never leave with out my hijaab on and always wear loose fitting clothes also would the same apply if whilst at someones house (stll wearing the hijjaab and jilbaab and no make up and just for clearfication the fabric is plain black and loose fitting) and a non mehram entres should i put on the niqaab or is that not nessesty?
        and another good thing is that my cosistantcy with reading namaaz has become very punctual i very realy end up kazaring a namaz i have also continued with my fasts the one i had to make up and fasting does help to keep my eeman strong
        i am also considering to take up online arabic courses to learn tajweed and Quranic arabic language and online is my only way of doing it as i cannot leave the kids with family whilst i study or go to a class but i have been told that i can get a female tutor to teach me the lessons on skype if anyone has any suggestion on a better way then let me know
        oh i live in the uk west yorkshire

  2. salaam
    thank you for the advice i only wish i had looked at your responses at the time and not now. it would have saved me from doing wrong and by that i mean searching for a marriage partner while i am tecqnaly still married . i had not gotten the islamic divource did not know i had to as everyone i was asking was saying i did not have to i did not have an addresses for him so could not persue it through the shire council and did not know who eals to turn to. that person i spoke about above did not work out thanks to allah i saw his true colours. but recently i joined a marriage site only after speaking to a brother who had a bit of knowldge guided me and advised me of whom i could turn to for advice which i did they said that yes i did need something in writing and that him siging the my request for an english divource is counted as a talaaq as "he is signing to agreeing to give me a divource" but told me i could deal with it in one of two ways (obtaining a khula) i send a copy of what they sent me and get him to fill and sign it and get two other people to sign it as wittnesses then he keeps one copy and so do i and the other option was if he does not respond to that is get a copy of my decree absulte (which i now have allhumdullia) and the signed statement that he signed and send it to them and they would write a fatwa dissolving the marriage and that the idda period does not need to be served here becouse we have been seperated for almost year and half i have restraining orders against him so he is not allowed with in 100 meters of the house and so forth also i have been using contrception befor we split up so there is no chance of me been pregnent and the purpose of idda period in khula is to istablish pregnacey
    after speaking to the scholars from this mosque did i relise that what i was doing was wrong and belive me when i say that i have truly repented for this. one hurdel after the other but this ramadan has been one of an awaking for me and a real journey for me in finding myself againi have started doing alot more abadit reading into the meanings of the quran the hijaab and mashallah i have taken up the hijaab but that has come with in myself with a true intention and i intend to continue this journey to get closer to my allah inshallah.
    yes you may be thinking what about this brother from the marriage site first of all i pray that allah has forgiven me for the wrong that i have done unknowingly as soon as i realised i stopped and repented .
    yes i was looking at him as a prospective husband yes he was part of this awaking anyone that gets this does and those who dont dont when we first spoke he had me in tears he did not know that . this was the first time i started to think deeply about who i was before i got married where did it all start going wrong and what caused me to lose that me the person who loved to read namaaz loved to read quran ( the person who would sometimes read 10 chapters of the quran in a day when she had the time) who wanted to understand the quran devote as much time for allah as possible and even when doing other activities would be praising allah with my zabaan a person who loved to wear salwar kameez loose fitting and a head scarf all the time and so on where did she go?. im not going to try and use ego here or try to justifiy what i have done but he respected me talks were clean but most importantly he was teaching me about islam i would always be excited about the next lesson in DEEN. it may be wrong of me to say this and may allah forgive me if it is but the only thing that attracted me to him was DEEN his passion to learn preach and teach the quran, he has learnt the arbic language. he would explain what it was that i was saying to my allah in namaaz in such simple and understandble terms stories from the quran and had started on the suras from the quran in translateing them to me and also told me of a very good quran translation which i have to mention called " The Qur'an" A new translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem it is mashallah incredible more simplfied and easy to read not long complicated terms. but when he spoke to some one about us and my situation and the tecnacalaties he was told that i still need to get the islamic divource and i am still in wedlock which horrified me and him at first i was so angry not at him but at the fact that i was still considered as been in wedlock but at that point he stopped talks i spoke further to this scholar from the mosque who also said i should avoid this till i have something in writing to say i have a talaaq an islamic one which horrified me even more that here i am on this path to getting closer to my allah and i am committing a huge sin here i went straight to praying (nuffel) and could not stop crying asking for forgiveness and guidence as soon as i got to a point calamness i wrote to him ( oh, no webcam just typing and phone and yes it is still bad im not denieing that )on skype saying i was sorry i was doing wrong and if allah wishes once i have my khula we will take things further but that i would not contact him till such time and have not since i have received my decree absulte (english divource) oh and the only thing that the ex was arguing over was the fact that the court ordered him to pay my costs in the divource NOTHING ELSE which i told my solicitor to forget and go aheadits been a week now since i sent the khula form to him through the solicitor when i questioned my solicitor she said they would be writing to me about it but i have hear nothing if by monday i have not heard anything i will get my solicitor to find out if it does not go anywhere i will go to other way of getting my khula. and dont get me wrong just like this brother i did not need encrougement to get a tallaq the the violence and abusive from the ex was sufficent this brother is not the reason for me wanting a talaaq but tecqnaly speaking he has responsibilities and so do i in islam as husband wife and parents which he is not forfilling at all i am paying the morgage and i am not working he is he does not provide for me or the children and does not pay any maintanace either at the moment facking his hours he cannot keep me hanging like this there is fear of my allah of my doing wrong not ending this wrong by finding a way to divource in the islamic way and the sins he is committing and me not been able to stop it as we are in english terms divourced but and so on sorry but it is making me get very distressed thinking about it
    but if anyone has any advice comments and so forth please please please let me know

    • Sister Fozia,
      Masha Allah, nice to see that their is some improvement in your situation. You did the right thing by getting the restraining order against your ex, please be patient, let your lawyer do her/his job. It may take some time, if it doesn't work then as you said you have other option. What ever you did in ignorance will iA be forgiven by Allah (swt), just repent and keep striving in the right path. Allah (swt) sees all, HE sees your struggles and how honest and obedient you were toward following HIS path. He will iA forgive and make a way forward for you sooner or later. The brother you are getting to know seems like a gentleman and a true Muslim Masha Allah but still keep your conversations supervised as Shaytan has been set free tonight along with his companions.

      Happy Eid to you and your children.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

      • salaam
        and thank you
        the brother i spoke about we have stopped talking all together and i have stopped looking for a husband becouse of what i have been told that it is a sin once i have my khula only then will i try again with the presence of a wali my brother who i told recently

        jazakala

        eid mubarak

        • Sister,
          May I suggest something if you don't mind and off course if there is nothing else wrong with this brother who you were getting to know with the view of marriage? Who brought you more closer to Islam and made a lot of things clear to you
          Is there any way that your Wali on your behalf can inform this brother that you are still interested in him (as you said that you liked him in your previous lengthy post since, he is pious and practicing Muslim) and will continue after your divorce is finalized. As I mentioned before it all depends that you both were found each other compatible before this whole episode of you finding out that it was wrong for you both to be involved since you are not divorced. And obviously if he is willing to wait.
          I don't know how long your case is going to take but if he can wait then you should find out as good brothers are hard to find who are honest, caring and religious inwardly and outwardly. Just a thought/suggestion, hope you understand and it works out for you iA in the end.

          Muhammad1982,
          Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

          • salaa
            yes thank you, very good sugestion i will speak to my brother. and its an issue of khula no english courts but becouse of the level of violence i have to go through my solicitor for my own safety. from what i was told i dont think it will take longer than a few weeks to get the khula for which reason i belive your suggestion is good.

            jazakala

  3. U hv said in ur post tht if u ever would meet a man u woudnt want him to b muslim. But u should knw that a muslim woman can only marry a muslim man

  4. Dear sister Fozia, Asalaamualaukum,

    You has asked an excellent question, one that I wish we would all ask before embarking on something:

    How do I separate what is right and wrong with this situation?

    It is very simple in theory. In practice you may need to struggle a little with your nafs to achieve it. But if your intention is pure, you will overcome any weaknesses insha'Allah.

    I am assuming that you have completed your Islamic divorce and your 3 month iddah period and are just awaiting the 'Court divorce', in which case you are free to re-marry. In this case, tell your internet friend of the situation at hand clearly. Also tell him that you need some time to clear your mind before you can pursue any further relationship and that you will contact him after some time (set a time limit for yourself and let him know).

    Use this time to strengthen yourself spiritually and grow nearer to Allah, do alot of tawbah. Busy yourself with ibaadah, family, children, motherhood and personal hobbies. Find yourself again and work on your personal character and identity and relationship with Allah(swt). When you have given yourself that important time - only then work on re-marrying. Speak to a trusted family member or friend about your 'internet friend', thereby avoiding secrets and potential fitnah. If your friend is still interested in you, then ask him to meet you and your family. If he is genuine then he will not shy away from this. Insha'Allah you and your family will make the necessary enquiries on this person and will support you all the way. If your friend pressures you and does not want to give you the time you need or refuses to be open and honest and meet your family, then I hope you will see this as a major warning sign and keep well away from him.

    If you have not completed your Islamic divorce, or are not sure if you have done so, then you should know that it is very wrong of you to be pursuing new relationships of this sort. If this is the case, I urge you to break away from your internet friend immediately and sort out your current relationship with your husband.

    Insha'Allah you will make the best choice, bearing in mind you are responsible for the security and well being of your two children.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response