Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am living in pain

Depressed girl heartbroken distressed

Hello everyone,

I'm in a relationship, actually continued relationship. We were together for 3.5 years now, a year of that we lived together, then I did not want to continue the lease, I told him to live separately and when we are financially able to pay, we can live together again. After 5 months, he ask me for my commitment to move in together. I prolonged it because he was into gambling big time at that time and the 1st apt I leased he never gave me anything towards the rent. It scared me. Until he decided to move province. He told me he was not leaving without me, many many times.

I was in and out and in and out, until one day he left me. He said I hurt him - he meant when I told him that he will be a "dead meat walking". I got mad because he had 3 cars - sold one then the other lost all the money to the casino, he only had one left and that is why I told him that if he loses the money for this one he will be a dead meat walking!

Anyways he left and I stayed crying and crying. He told me not to go see him because he is not stable yet, but the truth is that he had his mom arrange a wife for him in Afghanistan. So, 2 months after he left me, he told me he has someone he said yes to for marriage and that yes cannot be undone. I could not work that day, I was feeling so weak and shaking. I was still calling him, but he cancels my calls.

Then I deleted and blocked all contacts with him. Sometimes he would email me that he loves me and misses me and my response is that I still love him and miss him too. He tried to call me twice but I did not answer.

After 7 months of him being away, he emailed me that he is coming back. The day after that, he came to see me.. unfortunately we had sex. Sadly, he told me right after that he may not be with me and was so excited talking about his wife to be, even offered me if I want to see her picture! I was so mad! Each time we talk, he tells me.. I'll marry her, she is for me, but constantly seeing me.

I am still with him until today. For the reason that I took it differently. When he told me he love me more that before but he may not be with me, I thought it means "I want to be with you but I am weak, so please don't give up". He is afghan, and arrange is huge in that country. I feel he is for me, right now, it has been 2 months that we are living together because I told him that when it's time to let him go, I'll let him go. But I am lying.. I want him.

Yesterday he left me, because we had an argument, they was enjoying text msgs and told me to be quiet when his causin called.

I told him to consider my feelings, at least not in front of me. He said I am selfish.

Anyways,I come to a point now that I want to message his causin on Facebook and let her know I exist.

I need advice if that is a good thing to do.

Please help me.
Thank you.
Sincerely.
Mel

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5 Responses »

  1. And what will you get in return after that?
    He came to you because you gave him what he wanted-sex.
    He is gonna marry her and after that if you kept this relation then what will you be for him? Sorry to say but you'll be nothing except his mistress...

    Trust me i know it's very hard to leave someone... I still wanted my guy back after what ever he did because we have these feelings that drive us crazy and weak.

    I thought it means "I want to be with you but I am weak, so please don't give up"

    You thought but he clearly said that we cant be together.

    Leave him sister that's the only way before he ruins you completely. You'll be hurt of course but you'll find some peace which lacks right now. I always looked for excuses not to leave him until he did. You are doing same. Come back before anything worse happens.

    He is lying, he is wasting money in casino, he is marrying someone else, he is using for you his lust... Now you tell me one reason for being with him. I know you'll say i love him and we spent time together etc. But you were not only the one who was spending time, he was there too but he is not finding it heard to marry someone else. When you were after him crying, begging etc, he was ignoring you. When you started ignoring he came back. Simple is that he does not love you.

    Sorry sister but whatever i said above is what it looks like. He may be sincere or i don't know we can't judge anyone but it seems to be right... So you are left with only one option and that is to leave him and cut all the contacts for your own sake your own peace.

    Once you are done with that then come towards ALLAH... Repent, pray and try to make your life better. It's common in some countries to move in together in a living relationship before marriage but it's not allowed in Islam. Be a good Muslim. There are plenty of advises and posts of repentance and becoming a good Muslim so read them. Read Quran. Try to learn Islam.

    May ALLAH bless you... Pray for everyone

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    I know it's hard to hear, but you need to walk away from this situation.

    This guy isn't worth any more of your time. If he wanted to be with you, he could have been, but instead he's getting married to someone else while still carrying on a haram relationship with you. Is that really the kind of person you want to marry? Someone who doesn't respect you enough to make your relationship halal? Someone who then doesn't respect their future wife enough to stay faithful?

    I'd advise that you get this guy out of your life and focus on your own healing rather than him and his family. I'd advise against contacting his cousin, as this could backfire and end up hurting you more, and it could be considered backbiting, which we should avoid.

    Once you're feeling stronger, look for a Muslim husband who will respect you enough to not enter into a haram relationship with you, and who is strong enough to fight for you, and who you can trust. Trust in Allah to help you recover and get your life back on track.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. Umm is it just me or did you not see the blatant sin this woman is in????

    I have seen this time and again, you women have this in you to group around someone who is hurt obviously due to her own haram actions and instead of asking her to repent and stay away from any relationships at all...you feel sad for her...

    Midnightmoon....being a senior member of this site, i am very disappointed in your comments.

    by not admonishing her on her sins you are giving the world a picture of this woman's actions being perfectly justified, provided the man is faithful...very very sad sister.

    Sister Mel, this man is poison, and you are no less to blame.
    whats done is done, i hope you do not come from a culture where virginity is a big thing...because that is clearly not coming back.

    anyway, please do not mind my harsh tone i am just disappointed in myself and the muslim nation as a whole where emotions have started taking precedence over the actual root of the emotional turmoil...our actions.

    leave this man, leave your life of sleeping with men outside of marriage. Turn to Allah and you insh Allah will find a way.

  4. Sister, I am sorry to say that this is not the platform to help you to keep the haram relationships. Moreover this shouldn't be the way you need to narrate your stories.

    There is an Hadees:

    Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

    وعنه قال‏:‏ سمعت رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول‏:‏ ‏ "‏كل أمتي معافًى إلا المجاهرين، وإن من المجاهرة أن يعمل الرجل بالليل عملاً، ثم يصبح وقد ستره الله عليه فيقول‏:‏ يا فلان عملت البارحة كذا وكذا، وقد بات يستره ربه، ويصبح يكشف ستر الله عنه‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏متفق عليه‏)‏‏)‏ ‏.‏

    Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Every one of my followers will be forgiven except those who expose (openly) their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allah has covered for him, and in the morning, he would say (to people): "I committed such and such sin last night,' while Allah had kept it a secret. During the night Allah has covered it up but in the morning he tears up the cover provided by Allah Himself."

    [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

    Hence Sister please be shameful to share such things. If you are sharing how to purify yourself, then describe it some better way. However sister each man will have a turning point in his/her life. I welcome you to knock the doors of forgiveness of Allah. Many people turned pious after committing such sins.

    May Allah Open the doors of Hidaya to you sister.

  5. Dear Mel,

    Afghans are generally good people but they do have some bad ones. And unfortunately you are in relationship with one of the bad one! Please leave this Afghan guy. Most Afghan guys where their families lives in Afghanistan and him in West, means he is either already married someone in Afghanistan or will marry someone from Afghanistan. Majority of Afghan men likes women/girl from their own country. Even if you end up with him he may treat you like second to third class citizen. To my understanding he is fulfilling his lust with you. He is not sincere at all. Please leave this Afghan guy, and slowly start to rebuild your life. And once you are emotionally and mentally stable then look for a good Muslim brother for marriage and start a good Muslim family life. Start to live Islamic way of life.
    Please leave him and start a clean life.

    Much love,
    Me

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