Life or death; miserable yet trying to live for my kids.
woman worried about her husband's behavior
(see my post on Setting boundaries...)
I had made istikhara and took my step upon it to leave, but my parents made me come back. I am miserable in this relationship, and for my husband to change things I simply have to ask for divorce which he refuses.
I have started cutting the world out (social life) but can't figure out how to get out of this, he seems to win my parents over, and they ask me to try to make it work by setting my own requirements in place. My parents are traditional and want me to continue in my house for the sake of my kids. I feel that my current spousal relationship and my depression is more detrimental than helpful for the kids.
I am now just thinking of making out of city arrangements and just leave, but things are complicated with my parental support on his side and because I have kids.
I am very lost and have lost hope in life. I just keep wishing that somehow my kids and I would disappear. I don't know for how long I can endure this. Someone please help and lead me to some resources. Also, how do I convince my parents that I'm completely torn apart from this relationship from all the abuse.
Sonia.
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my dear sister
it would help if you would tell which country you are in however if you are in the uk
then there are many things you can do
as you mentioned abuse
i dont know to what extent but no one has to tolerate any type of abuse
you can contact womens aid and they will help you get out of that situtation find you and your kids a suitable place to live and help you finacially to
i hope this has been of some help if you are not in the uk mention which country you are in and someone that knows about that country
Assalam alaikum Sister Sonia,
I am really sorry to hear about all the things that you are going through. Emotional pain can be particularly difficult because no one can see it and often people just suggest getting over it. One of the most challenging things for humans is to battle against emotions, and yet, we don't even value other people's feelings.
I quickly re-read your other post just now. I would have to say that it really seems important to you that your parents back you up. From the sounds of it, they are very traditional and most likely will suggest that you make amends no matter what the result it. Some people don't even understand depression and how physically overwhelming it feels and it isn't just something in your head. What I am really trying to say is that I don't think you will get far by trying to convince your parents of your situation because they have a particular mindset.
You mentioned that you work and I assume you are fairly independent. Is there anyway that you could live separately with your children on your income alone? I know it would be extremely helpful to have the support of family or friends, but that may not be there. It is obvious that you feel very hurt by your husband that he emotionally abusive - it seems that the love, nurturing, and care you crave just isn't there. If you are not ready to be fully independent, I would suggest that you save up money on your own (income needed for a few months) and when you are ready, then simply go and do it. You are the only one that fully knows the pain and anguish that you are going through, so this decision is yours - not your parents. I hope that you have exhausted all other avenues to save this marriage.
You don't deserve to be abused and you deserve to feel loved and safe in your marriage. Whatever the outcome, I pray that Allah eases your difficulties, Ameen.
Whether your parents are traditional or not it would be really hard to convince them about divorce when the husband is not physically abusive. I don't know about istikhara but I don't think you can islamically get out of this marriage without your parents consent. Are you sure you have exhausted all means of saving this marriage? Instead of taking your dream's interpretation as gospel, you should try to implement the advice you received on your previous post. The advisers actually went through the same experiences as you have and they even saved their marriages(I think). A dream can be interpreted several ways but divorce is something you should forgo if you can help it. As for your depression, there are resources available all over the internet and you can always ask an islamic scholar for help.
Assalaamualaikam
From what you have written, I'm concerned that your situation may be causing you to feel some symptoms of depression - it might be worth speaking with your GP/family doctor about this, as they may be able to give you some advice or treatment options to help (eg. talking therapies, advice about resources you could access, maybe some medication or herbal remedies). You mention wishing that you and your children could disappear - please remember that no matter how desperate things seem, Allah will guide you through it; please don't let thoughts of ending your life enter your mind - if you feel yourself starting to think that way, please contact your GP or a trusted friend and ask for help and support.
Nobody (man or woman) should have to tolerate domestic abuse, be it psychological or physical. If you and your husband have tried to resolve your difficulties and not been able to do so, you are within your rights to divorce him. If he is refusing to give you talaq, you can request khula be granted. Divorce is never something to be celebrated, but can sometimes, sadly, be the only recourse. If you feel this is the case for your family, it might help to approach your local mosque to look into this.
As a mother, you need to be aware of how things will affect your children, and ensure that they are growing up in an environment that is supportive and loving, and that will enable them to learn Islamic values. Some people would say that needs to be within a marriage, but my personal opinion is that it can be more harmful for a child to grow up in a household where there is abuse, than for them to grow up in a single-parent household where there is love, stability and faith. Do your parents know about the abuse you have been experiencing? If not, that knowledge might change their stance on things, as I can't imagine they would want that for you.
If you need to leave in a hurry, your GP or local community centre should inshaAllah have contact details for women's centres and emergency accommodation. Some women's centres can also help you make preparations prior to leaving if you need to, such as setting up your own bank account and taking legal steps towards protecting your children.
I pray that Allah guides you through this. Whatever happens, know that He will have a plan for you, and put your trust in Him.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Peace be with you, Sonia,
Thank you for sharing and for being so honest about your feelings and situation.
Sonia, you have received already good advice, and I only could emphasize the need of looking for professional guidance to improve your physical, emotional and mental endurance to be able to act with a peaceful heart, of course, if you fear any damage to your kids or yourself, do what Midnightmooon has adviced.
I would reinforce what I said to you last time, it doesn´t matter the decision taken, you need to heal your relationship with your husband from within yourself,, that will be good to all of you, insha´Allah.
To give up on our life, our friends, our social life, it is not the way of acting, because that is shouting to the world I am not important any more, and thank God, I am important, I make a difference in the world, I need to get out there and ask for help to improve my personal situation and become visible again, allowing myself to be the best of who I am to me and the others.
Please, forgive your parents, your husband and yourself and ask for help to, insha´Allah, get out of this darkness that is around you.
This prayer can be said anytime you feel overwhelmed by the situation, everytime you need guidance, everytime you need to be reinforced, ...can be said at anytime, and if you do it and feel the meaning of it with all your Heart, insha´Allah, you may find the Peace and the Light that you so much long for.
----"Hasbunallahu Wa Ni’mal Wakeel"----
" Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs for us. What an Excellent Guardian and Protector He is."
Please take care of yourself. My unconditional love and respect to you and all your family,
María M