I lost the love of my life after I hurt him.
I don't know where to begin so this might be a little unorganized. I have been in love with someone for over 2 years now. I met him through one of my friends. We got closer slowly and i began to like him but it was nothing serious, we talked all the time for a few months then we stopped talking for no reason for around 4 months. After that he kept trying to get in contact with me and we talked again and that was when he had my heart and I loved him more day by day. I know he was serious about me too because of all the things he did for me and he told me he wants his mother to meet mine to tell her that he wants me. Later in our relationship my mother found out about him because she got a call from her friend who's son saw me with the guy.
When she found out she told me to stop talking to him and that she wouldn't tell my father but if I ever see him again she will tell. I didn't tell the guy about any of it and i continued to talk to him and after a long time I started meeting him again secretly.
To make a long story short, we both got serious about each other, we both made mistakes and hurt each other alot, we would break up for weeks and sometimes months but eventually get back together.
The last time I saw him or spoke to him was 6 months ago when I walked away from him. I don't even know why I did that but I hurt him and when I talked to him a month after that day he told me he doesn't want anything from me. I've thought about suicide, I've thought about many things. This didn't only hurt me, it completely destroyed me. I know it was a haram relationship but i was serious about him and he did talk to me about marrying me.
I asked about him many times and I heard that he is seeing someone and will get married to her. I think he is already engaged too. I don't know how to choose the right words to express how I feel. The way I am telling my story doesn't show how terribly hurt I am. During the 2 years talking to him I have prayed day and night to god that he becomes my husband one day but when i heard that he moved on I've prayed that god takes my soul in anyway possible. I can not live knowing he will never be mine again.
What can I do? I've prayed so much, shed tears that if collected would make an ocean. I've had difficulties going to bed because that was when all the memories hit me again, and waking up was very hard too because I woke up every day finding out that I'm not his one and only anymore.
I've researched dua's and prayed alot. What can I do? I am in desperate need of help.
-GH
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Assalamu alaykum Sister GH,
Firstly, congratulations and mubaarak to you to get out of something haraam 🙂
Secondly, your problem is hardly a problem 🙂
162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.
Your living and dying and worship and sacrifice should be for Allah only and not for "seeking a guy". Remember this and Insha Allah you will find your problem solved in totality.
How many times have you thought about going to a land of disbelief and going amidst disbelievers and proclaiming the Qur'an even though you be stoned to death for it?
Have you thought about giving up your life for the cause of Islam?
You are a Muslim right? You pray to Allah as well, am I correct? Then did you ever pray to take your life away while striving in the way of Islam?
If not then you should make these du'aas to Allah now. Instead of dying by suicide and going to Hell or wasting life, why not strive for Islam?
Have you thought about reading the Qur'an? Spreading the knowledge of the Qur'an among Muslims and Non Muslims?
Have you thought about spreading the Word of Allah to people who need it in their lives? Have you ever thought that there are so many people wandering blindly by their desires and you could be the one showing them the Light from their Darkness by the permission of Allah?
If you have not thought these things, then you should think about them.
Love before marriage is silly, it leaves with tears in most cases. Some do get married by the will of Allah. We should know life is a test, "whether the believer follows the devil by His desires or Allah's guidance? "
Sister GH,
You should be happy because you have been pulled out of something wrong, Allah has helped you to stay away from the sin.
Not long ago Sister Pepper wrote here similar words like: What good can you expect from something which was haraam in the first place? Masha Allah, something for all of us to think about.
You may also like to read my post to a brother who lost his love:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/she-wont-take-me-back
Insha Allah you will find some nice points for yourself in it.
I wrote some words in another post regarding love and dating and it's ill effects, if you like to read, I quote them here again:
In Islam non mahram men and women cannot be in an intimate relationship without marriage . There is nothing like dating in Islam. Also, the kind of male - female "friendships" we know today are also not Islamic way of behaving with girls/ women.
Love before marriage or without marriage?
For teens and adults, they say : Wow ! She is gorgeous, O he is so handsome ! She is so amazing ! O he is so cute !
It all sounds exciting, enchanting, but do you know what? It is stirring up of desires by Shaytaan to beguile from the way of Allah and draw people closer and closer to sin and turn their time and attention from Allah to these objects people choose to think about day and night saying : Ah ! I missed you so much , when did you miss me? : From the time you left, all the time I was thinking of you. Or since you kept the phone down, I was thinking about you only.
Who deserves all admiration brothers and sisters? Allah or these objects of love?
Who deserves our time and attention more than anyone else? Allah or these objects of love?
Do you know something dangerous, something which is ignored by people falling in love without marriage?
It is Shirk. Something we as Muslims should stay far away from.
Yes it leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as good as associating a partner with Allah.
165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.
The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sense but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.
Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong doing they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.
162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.
42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm
38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust. - Surah Az Zumar.
We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah.
Surah 23. Al-Muminun
1. Successful indeed are the believers
2. Who are humble in their prayers,
3. And who shun vain conversation,
4. And who are payers of the poor due;
5. And who guard their modesty
6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
10. These are the heirs
11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.
You have a way shown by Allah as a believer. It is up to you to choose to walk upon it, and you will not, unless Allah wills so. He is the Fount of Fear, He is the Fount of Mercy.
Guard your modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.
So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.
***
Insha Allah, I hope something of my words goes in to your young minds by the permission of Allah.
Brothers and sisters, how much more do we want to hurt ourselves? Have we not seen enough of examples in life of the evil consequences of love stories?
Some may have happy ending of a good marriage, but what about the majority of evil?
We do something which has less benefit but more harm for us, should we not abstain from it brothers and sisters?
May Allah guide us to the Straight Path and have mercy upon us and forgive us for our transgressions and bestow upon us knowledge and give us wisdom and make us patterns for those who ward off evil. Insha Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Wow! Such an amazing answer Mashallah. Great advice,
Brother Munib, I'm not sure if this sister has said that she had an intimate relationship with this guy. So I don't think it is fair to accuse her of this. In any event, the relationship is over and she seeks healing.
Sister GH: I know it hurts like there is no tomorrow, but the fact that this boy is getting married means that God has answered your prayers -- he has moved on and does not love you anymore. Nothing happens by accident. You may have hurt him, but it was a test for him, too, because if he truly loved you he would have stuck around and fought for you. But it was not to be.
I know that really hurts. Trust me, some day, the hurt will lessen. Just keep praying for healing, busy your life with other things, hobbies, friends and family, and the wound in your heart will slowly close up. Some day, you might meet someone else who will be worthy of being your husband.
Ramadan is coming up; that is a good time to heal yourself.
Assalamu alaykum Precious Star,
I know there are people who look at my posts with a different eye 🙂
I have not said she was in an intimate relationship with him. I have not used this word for the sister.
I have written something in another post which I have quoted here again and I think you thought I wrote it about this sister.
And anyways, intimacy has different definitions for both of us. For me it is even sharing your day, your feelings, your emotions with someone on a regular basis when they are not lawful for you to do that. Intimacy does not necessarily mean to sleep with someone or have physical relations only, it also means being intimate by ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions and talks with someone who is not a mahram yet.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Yes intimacy does not only mean physical relations, it is also emotional. You can get intimate with someone and not have sex. Telling someone about your deep dark secrets & dreams, goals, etc. is intimacy even if there are no touching/physical contact involved. Both of these forms of intimacy are haraam before marriage. After marriage they are both permitted.
Telling a prospective spouse about your secrets, dreams and goals before marriage is haraam? Doesn't that mean we are all in for a big surprise once we are married?
Yes.
There is asbolutely no need to share secrets, especially dark secrets & dreams, goals i.e "persona & private " things which Strawberryfields is willing to say as per my understanding.
You may know from a person their life's purpose, goal, educational, familial, religious as well as financial back ground and all things that are good to know before marriage in a way which is permitted by Islam not secretly or alone in "emotional intimacy" with each other.
I think from your western view it may sound a little to strict, but this is Islam, huduudallah, limits of Allah are imposed upon a believer which he/she keeps by own will to please His Lord and stay away from sins.
Salaam,
Munib.
Sister Precious Star,
I don't think you understand what I am talking about. There is absolutely no need to tell someone those things before marriage unless it is done in an Islamic way (with a wali present, finding things out from her family, etc.) You were talking about how this sister was not in an intimate relationship with this man, but you have to understand the full definition of intimacy, not just a part of it.
People fall in love this way. Take a look at it yourself :
"We got closer slowly and i began to like him but it was nothing serious, we talked all the time for a few months then we stopped talking for no reason for around 4 months. After that he kept trying to get in contact with me and we talked again and that was when he had my heart and I loved him more day by day."
It was nothing serious at first, they even stopped talking to each other for no reason for 4 months. It was when she continued to talk to him more, she started developing intense feelings for him. How can someone fall in love with another person? Simple, they tell them their intimate information over a continuous period of time. I know this because I have been through this also & learned from it. Trust me, when someone is with their guardian, they will not tell the other person what they would have told them if their guardian was not there.
I do not want to offend you, and I do not want to be harsh on the sister who wrote this post, so please forgive me if I said anything to make you upset. I just want to make it clear that a lot of people make this type of mistake. They talk to people whom they like a little, or sometimes they do not even have feelings for that person, and then start to develop complex feelings towards them & it ends up in heartbreak because there were no protection in the first place. Just broken promises that were never fulfulled. Which is one of the reasons why we are not allowed to have friends from the opposite gender.
Brother Muniib I agree with you completely. A "secret emotional intimacy" is definitely not the way to go. This is definitely not the way to get to know a person before marriage. What if the person you basically dished out all your personal dreams, goals, secrets, etc. decide they do not want you anymore & ends up telling everyone about your business? There is no security in this. At least if you get married your husband will be held responsible if he does do that.
Are you a sister?
Anyways, Strawberryfields 🙂 you are right.
Islam is all about prevention and keeping away from evil.
A male and a female when alone "may" be tempted towards zina, if not at once, then slowly by regular meeting inciting desires for each other in the heart.
I am well aware of "pure" love where people do not even think of any sexual thought, but this emotional intimacy in what way and at what time can leave a person in desires or in utter disgust of desertion due to break up is not known to anyone and may leave deep scars on a person's psychology and his/her future approach to intimate relationships.
Hence "prevention is better than cure" as Allah reveals a verse:
263. A kind word with forgiveness is better than alms giving followed by injury. Allah is Absolute, Clement. - Surah Baqarah.
And Allah repeats in the Qur'an many times : ward off evil, ward off the Fire, so prevention is the way of Islam and it is always good to avoid a sin, for we do not know what evil consequences it may bring upon our lives in this dunya and in aakhirah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Yes I am a sister 😀 & I agree with you 100% !
Salaam to all of you,
Sister GH-
I Know it's hard to let go someone who u love. People gets hurt so they can learn, that is life. What u have to do is learn lesson from it. Try to let go ( he have done it) , even it's hurts so much. Do thinks what u like to do or haven't done in a long time. Try to do anything than thinking about him. Talk with your friends about him, if that helps. Go to moskue offen with your sisters, reed the Quraan.
There is a reason why he's not in your life today. We don't know what happens tomorrow, only Allaah knows. But we can choose what we do today. Ask yourself, Do I wanna live like this? If u don't do some chances in your life. I know it's not going to be easy, but u don't have a choise.
Maybe Allaah Has something better 4 you, Allaah only knows.
Please forgive me if I'v said something wrong or hurt your fleenings.
Assalaam,
Your Sister =)