Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry for status or love?


I'm a 21 year old girl from a very conservative and strict family from a south indian city. My parents never allowed me to hangout or meet friends outside school and college, and they strictly prohibited parties and friendship with boys. But I always wanted these things. Without my parent’s consent I used to hangout with friends and also developed friendship with few guys.

Then I came into a relationship when I was 17  and he was also the same age. In the beginning, we both were not so serious about each other and we both were fed up by our family problems (we both assumed that our parents don’t love us). Very soon we developed a strong bond and were very much in love- it was true love. Now, one and half years later, my parents got to know about us and they are deeply hurt by me. People around us and relatives came to know about me when I was dating him.

There’s always tension at home, and my dad’s health keeps getting upset. My dad wants to perform hajj, but before that he wants me to get married as I'm the eldest daughter of the family. His retirement is also approaching near. My parents are strictly against the guy whom I love due to his poor family background and status difference. Moreover, he is still studying. We are very respected and elite people in our society.

Seeing all these problems I’ve agreed to marry the person of my parent’s choice after rejecting many alliances. But I don’t think I will find a better person as I'm 'aiyim' (unmarried non virgin). I'm always feeling guilty for this sin, and I keep asking for forgiveness from Allah in every prayer. My friends and cousins say I should forget my past and must move on (they do not know about my secret sin) and that I will find the best of the best groom as I'm very beautiful, educated, sophisticated, 5times namazi, good heart and from a reputed family. I think all these qualities don’t matter a thing in front of my sin.

He is not at all good looking, and everyone says that I deserve better than him. I love him, but I really can't tolerate his family. They don’t have any standards at all, and that’s why I'm taking back my steps and not fighting for him. I don’t wanna marry some pious man,  because I don’t wanna do injustice to him. I may find a guy who's my type and who has committed sins like mine, but guys don’t accept and can't bear that their wives are already not a virgin. So I think I cant lead a normal, peaceful life.

There is a hadith that one should not reveal his sin, as Allah conceals it. So keeping this hadith in mind, I can't tell him about my past even though I wish I could. My mom knows about this and she says I should forget him. Now I'm trying to move on. We (me and him) both had prounounced “Qabool Hain” to each other as husband and wife in solitary, from then on he treated me as his wife and I reciprocated. I had read in “Bulugh Al-Maram” that “There are 3 things which, whether undertaken seriously or in jest, are treated as serious: marriage, divorce and taking back a wife after a divorce which is not final”. And there is another hadith too – Allah’s Messenger (s.a.w) said.” If any woman marries without the consent of her guardian, her marriage is invalid. If there is cohabitation, she is entitled to the dowry, due to the sexual intercourse made lawful with her.”

Now my question is, should I assume that I'm legal to him? If yes, should I give talaq (khul) so that I can marry the person of my parent’s choice to have a better life, status and position in society? If no, what should I do to expiate my sins as I feel ashamed of myself? He loves me a lot, and I feel very bad and guilty for cheating him. Tell me what should I do? Is my decision right to follow my parent's wish? Please answer me; waiting for your reply.


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12 Responses »

  1. Should you marry for status or love? You should have asked that question before having sex with your b/f. Most men will not marry you if you tell them you have sex without marriage.

  2. Salaams,

    The so-called vows you took with him are not valid. Even though taking a marriage is not something one can do in jest- meaning that it still counts- it still has to have all the required components to be valid (wali, witnesses, dowry, etc). Yours didn't have that, so no, he is not legal to you. Talaq is not an issue.

    You have three basic options before you:

    1. Choose to legally marry the person you've fornicated with. Talk to your parents, tell them what you want, and don't back down if they push marriage to the one of their choice. Keep firm until they relent and allow your marriage to him.

    2. Let the boyfriend go, and marry your parents choice without looking back.

    3. Marry neither, cease contact with both, and wait for someone else that would be a suitable husband.

    I suggest you first of all repent for your sin, which means making tawba and ceasing contact with your boyfriend until you've made a decision on marriage one way or the other. Then, make istikhara to find guidance on which path of the three options is the best for you to pursue.

    -Amy Editor

  3. We (me and him) both had prounounced “Qabool Hain” to each other as husband and wife in solitary, from then on he treated me as his wife and I reciprocated ??? I have never heard of such kind of marriage in Muslims except a dubious Hindu marriage seen in Bollywood movies from the 70's & 80's " Hum dono ne mandir mein shaddi Ki thi aur pujari sakshi hai " ( We both married in a temple and the priest is the witness) or "Hum dono ne Bhagwan ko sakshi maan kar shaddi ki aur unhone meri maang mein sindoor bhar diya " ( We both married by taking God as witness and he filled my hair parting with vermillion ).

    I liked the text in the picture, more additions would have hit the point home " For every girl who comes from a conservative family, who performs five times prayers and fasts,who knows the Quran and Sunnah (hadiths), who wears hijab, who says,I know its haram..but I love him and have went all the way !!!

    Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see from the following hadith:

    "I have only been sent to complete good character." [Al-Hakim and others (sahih)]

    "I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character good." [Abu Dawud and it is hassan]

    "Righteousness is good character." [Muslim]

    "The believers with the most complete iman are those with the best character." [Abu Dawud and it is sahih]

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    In order for a marriage to be valid in Islam, there are certain conditions that must be fulfilled - witnesses, mahr, consent of the girl's wali... - if these aren't fulfilled, then a marriage won't be valid.

    Before making any decision about marrying a man, I think it's important for you to seriously think about why people marry. Don't marry someone for status, or lust - marry someone because they are of good deen and character. Status can change in the blink of an eye; remember the account in Surah Al-Kahf of the two men and their gardens? When we stand before Allah, all the riches and physical pleasures of this world will not help us. What will matter then is our faith, our deeds, and our character, so marry someone who will help you become a better person in all those areas.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Dear sister ,

    Some points

    1)If you marry your current boy friend and if he is well settled then life might be good with few normal issues

    2)If you marry your boyfriend but he is not well settled or doesn't t have enough money to keep you in good house or provide good life style then it will be difficult in future ..
    Please note that after marriage MONEY is very important factor in life . Love ,attraction all goes out with time ..Most of wives will be happy in life if husband provides them good life style like good house , big car ,jewellery ..
    Normally most of husbands will be happy if they find their wives beautiful and homely.
    As you have gone to the level of Zina so I don't think you will be happy living with the person with less money.

    3)Marrying boy of your parents choice is bad idea as you will start life with negative attitude ..Don't marry if you don't like him even if he is rich ..

    4)If you are confused I will suggest you to wait till you don't find a man of your choice ..

    Please note Zina is very bad and you should sincerely do tauba and keep a distance with your boyfriend .

  6. Dear Sister,

    First and foremost while you may come from an "elite" family, you yourself are far from "elite" (and I am only speaking of money.). I often become irritated by sisters who believe that while their parents have amassed money and status, this status is somehow genetically passed on to them. It is not. If your parents, their wealth and status were to disappear completely, who would you be then? What parts of you are "elite" outside of your parents?

    Should you marry for status or love? Why are these the only two choices? Love wanes and it grows, status can be lost, wealth can be lost too. I suggest you marry one who completes you. One who helps you embrace the love of Allah, one who doesn't care about "status", one who is able to be there and encourage you when you are down, and celebrate your achievements too. Marry a man that you care about. A man that you wish the best for in all outcomes in life, a man who will try to cook jowar roti when you are sick and even when he burns it to pieces, you will happily nibble it because he made it for you and not your "status". That is where love grows.

  7. Even if you are able to hide your past from your potential suitors, come your wedding night the one you decide to marry will defiantly find out you are not a virgin! (I do not mean to be harsh sister, but this is the truth as there are many ways to know whether a woman is a virgin or not).

    Also, I have a cousin from my paternal side, who is somewhat pretty and of a middle class background, a few years back she had gotten married and after her wedding night her husband understandably accused her of not being a virgin when they were first engaged and she denied this (she wasn't a virgin before her marriage to the guy), but in the end he had left her. I understand why he had divorced her so hastily, because he felt so betrayed to an extent he did not want to continue his marriage to her. This is not a scary story or anything like that, I just wanted to share my family's experience about lies and such, with you in hope you will not make the same mistake as her.

    I suggest you either marry the Zani (the one you fornicated with) or marry someone else who is also a non-virgin, but a practicing Muslim.

    Kind regards,


  8. first tell your dad there is no place in AllahSWT's court for those who see status.only pious are entertained.your dad may do million times hajj but unless he is deenic the journey unfortunately is going to be useless for him.

    elite? i never seen any people elite than sahabas.

    as for your problem,only sisters can give answers.

  9. Its strange how girls in serious relationships especially these days fornicate with out a second thought. Most of them have excuses that they will end up marrying the same guy so why

    Any how, please stop being a "Modern Muslimah" and start being a proper one. If your sin is hidden from all, please keep it so. Do not tell a soul. Of course good luck to you if you marry a guy of yours parents choice and he finds out your sin, by what ever means.

    Try and marry this not so good looking guy, assuming it is he you have fornicated with.

    Excellent answer bro Irfan.

    • Its strange how girls in serious relationships especially these days fornicate with out a second thought. Most of them have excuses that they will end up marrying the same guy so why

      Its just as strange how many boys will fornicate in non-serious relationships without a second thought and their excuses are they couldn't control their urges and they don't even intend to marry the girl they fornicate with. **another silly generalization**

      Generalizations can be made either way - but blaming one gender over the other is rather useless when in the end, when one gender fornicates, it means the other gender is doing that as well.

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