Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife can’t make up her mind.

Marital Separation


I have been separated for almost five years, and my wife recently contacted me to fix our family as we have a son.

She had told me before marriage that she had a "friend," and after she left me this friend got in touch with her and proposed to her. She says she refused him as she didn’t want anyone to marry her out of pity, she wasn’t over me, and that we have a son. Things were a muddle, so they remained friends. However, I spoke to her sister who also mentioned this ‘’friend," and said my wife agreed for him to go to her house with a wedding proposal (my wife didn’t tell me this) but that she did that because she was angry at me. Nothing makes sense to me

Now she says she is not in contact with him anymore. (She told me she last spoke to him in 2017, yet her sister says it happened 7 months ago. So many lies and manipulation) She gave me some terms to come back home, which included staying out of each other’s way and basically living like strangers until she fell in love with me again. For my son I accepted all this.

However, two days later she told me she couldn’t do this as she was forcing herself to be with me and I hurt her too much. She kept telling me to move on, find someone else, to get married again, and I couldn’t understand why she was going crazy for me to get married again.

I sent flowers, gifts, spoke to her parents, did everything to soften her heart but she told me to stop sending things as it won’t work, and her response has been that she is "done," wants nothing to do with me, and that I am just her son's father and a stranger to her.

Then a few days later, she again says she loves me, no one else but me, has been watching our wedding video because she misses me, but feels like strangling me.

Then she says she’s tired of this life and being tied down and she will do the khula. I asked her if there is someone else, another man involved...if she is not involved with someone else, why would she close the door and a chance for our son to have both his parents? She said she wants to get married again, and has told her parents so. So she's gone from "I love you, I want to fix our family" (to me) to "sorry she’s over me, moving on and doing khula!"

5 weeks ago she said she has applied for khula, then last week she tells me that she doesn’t have the courage to do the khula and I should do it because I have so many girls after me!

I am so lost and confused, my heart hurts. Help me understand what is happening and what I should do.


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7 Responses »

  1. Hello Brother,

    I read your post and felt that I should give my advice to you as it seems like something is going on with her that she keeps changing her mind. If you trust anyone in her family then ask them to take her to a doctor and talk about this or take her to a counsellor so that they could understand what she is going through and it will help make things clear for you too. I hope this helps. Good luck!

    • Thanks brother - well the guy - the one she has ''no contact, no feelings, doesnt talk to anymore'' - she bought a house with him, introduced my son to him, divorced me and is engaged to him 2 months later - kept me hanging on for years just in case it didnt work out - yes I am stupid but I rather not be with someone like this - so I thank Allah

      Her sister was telling me the truth - she warned me to get away from her as she is toxic and wants to be with that guy - so let them be.

      Funny how these people do these things end up with the nice cars, nice new house, my son with them, get everything and me, just writing for advise on a website

      My son is always going to be my son and I am proud of everything I have done for him and he knows I am his dad

  2. Some times in life we need to take strong decisions .
    It seems you guys have tried to reconcile and spent enough time .
    I know people avoid or delay divorce due to kids but here it seems divorce is the best option.
    It seems her extramarital affair with other man has further damaged this marriage. Better to go for divorce at this stage.

  3. I suggest you to tell to your sister-in-law to take your wife to the psychiatrist. She should speak out to the psychiatrist what is inside her that makes her keep changing her mind.

    May Allah show you the right way, Ameen.
    Allah knows best

  4. Wallaykum Asalam Brother,

    I agree with the posters above who say that someone in your wife's family should take her to the psychiatrist. It sounds like she might have severe anxiety (of the OCD type) or some kind of psychotic illness. Those illnesses really affect decision-making.

    May Allah help both you and your wife and grant you what is best for both of you, ameen.


  5. Assalamaliakum....ofcourse she seems to be in depression i agree what brought her at this phase...believe me she loves you more than herself but cant admit....
    and first of all stop listening to your sister in law....some sister break her sisters houses...
    if u really care about ur family and son clearly say her sorry really believe me its not worthy than ur ego compare to her life.....
    By saying that she dont need you she proves she need u the most. ..
    i m wife n i can understand her situation believe me if u r really really a good human let her live....
    in marriage most of our muslim husband torture our sisters that they extremely go through depression....

    Now u want her to make her mind and move on...
    she did alot may be she loved u a lot that she cant move on.....

    I know u will not accept but u r also involve in making her mad...

    Ur speaking harsh ur checking on her with whom she is talking why did she do this that...where she is with whom she is......
    make u really really man?????
    ask ur self...n read the sifaat e nabi (s.a)how he treat his wifes

    Set one open meeting discuss yours problems face to face...ok...dont send her flowers gifts and all face her listen to her conveince her to talk clearly....ok allahhafiz allah knows better...

    • Well - I was right - she was in a relationship with someone, bought a house with them, introduced my son to him long time ago , divorced me and is engaged to him 2 months later.

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