Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need your guidance to move ahead for my marriage.

I am 27 years old, and my fiancee is 19 years old, we got engaged 10 months ago, intially I found that the girl is not interested while talking to me on Phone, However I got the first call from their family members itself, then I discussed this issue with her mother and she said everything is fine, will talk to her and the girl is intelligent enough.. Time will settle everything dont worry, she said.

I am attracted towards her innocence and quite nature, she also prays 5 times salah everyday. For these good qualities of her, I fell in deep love with her and till now there is no single hour that I haven't remebered her. In last 9 months I am only showing Love affection care & feelings to her, I have never recieved any of these directly from her, however she sends sms about Love and her feelings and when asked she replies that she has only sent it & sometimes denies. In this month the matter has become serious she has stopped calling me even at once in 15 days  and I am only making regular attempts to talk to her and saying that I cannot live without her.., and it is true.. Really I am in great love with her.. I have cried several times for her, my health is also deterioting due to this and attempted to do istikhara as well. I pray for her everyday that Allah should make her fall in love with me.. She is good looking, but I am also not bad, I am in service since from 9 years and I am financially stable.

Another big matter of concern is that some of her realtives are against our relationship, I don't know the exact reason. Day before yesterday I called her and she didn't recieved, after calling 4 times her elder brother recieved the call and talked to me like a stranger as if I don't know him, However I made polite reply and disconnected. After this she called me in night and asked that what happened I never told her that I am hurt today because of her brother's response, I diverted the issue saying that I am little stressed due to work. She even didn't share that she had been to some marriage ceremony along with her sister in laws when I called her.

My parents asked 3 times about fixing the date of marriage after Ramadan, but there is no response,and also they are not coming up with any reason as well. Even we tried to call their relatives that what are the plans of marriage and they said everything is normal we are coming to you for the date fixing.

Coming to my part, I am very sensitive in nature and I really cannot leave her as of without any reason. I am in deep Love with her and it is nearly impossible for making another relationship if this breaks up. When I think about my mom, her health will be in danger if something happens, may Allah protect us from this.

I request you all that please guide me in this regard, meantime while I am writing this to you I am still thinking that some angel should come and convince her that I Love her like anything.

 

Please please respond at the earliest.

Assalam O  Allaikum,

M N S

 

 

 

 

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7 Responses »

  1. N/B there shall be no paragraph and other punctuation coz am using my phone for this write up. Thank you........ My friend, you are a man and you would alway remain a man, i believe you do have a stone heart, just like other men do.... Just forget about the girl. You cant be chasing a small girl that is playing and dancing with your intelligence. If she is not ready to marry you, or her family are not willing to give her to you, then why cant you just forget her and search for other ones. Because of the love you 've shown her, she and her family are riding you about, for what, is she the only girl in this world.. If she and her families are behaving like this now that you havn't married, what gave you the surety that they wont be dancing and playing with your intelligence after getting married. I mean she/they wont allow you to have control over her, and you would be threatened with seperation or even divorce if any little misunderstanding arise btw you, 'even if it happens that she's d one with fault and you try to correct her'. .. Look my friend there are thousands of girls that are by far better than her in beauty, morally and religious wise.. They are close to you, you just have to search for them.. You know, she and her families are doing this to you because you 've stick your self to the girl.. But if they see you with another girl, they would come back to there senses and the would rue what they 've done to you..

  2. I have to disagree with the brother Mohd's advice, this why the world is going wrong. Why would you advise him to involve another girl ...immature beyond belief! This may cause irreversible damage to the arrangement and make you look like an idiot with no dignity, if others act stupid this doesnt meant that you should too...tit for tat will rob you off your respect.

    Remember pain is temporary but self respect is forever.. I would advise you to speak to the girl and be direct, ask her if there is a problem? After all if she is to be your spouse then start building the foundation for correct communication, advise her that there should be no secrets and you only have her best interests at heart so she can trust you to tell you what's wrong, keep your emotions in check at all times.

    If she says there is no problem, go to the girl's family with your parents and push for a date and discuss venues, advise that if a date is not arranged then you will think that they are not being serious take the DIRECT approach...let them know that you would appreciate a date by the end of the week or a suggestion for venues. Best of Luck.

  3. mns, it's difficult to know exactly what is going on here. Let me point out a few things:

    1. You say the girl is innocent and quiet. You should not have pressured her for statements of love and affection. Clearly she is shy and is not prepared to make such statements to you over the phone. If she sent you such messages through text, then isn't that good enough? I think you actually drove her away with this emotional behavior. Furthermore you are calling saying you cannot live without her, etc. This is excessive and inappropriate. She is not your wife.

    2. If the family is still willing to marry the girl to you, then be patient and marry her Insha'Allah. Stop applying so much pressure and making such a big deal out of every little thing. Who cares what tone her brother took with you? Maybe he was just annoyed that you called four times in one day. Let it go, it's not important.

    3. If it turns out that the girl or the family are unwilling, then let it go. Ma-sha-Allah. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life. Your mother's health will not be damaged if you do not marry this girl, that's nonsense. Your life will not end, and it will not be impossible to find someone else. In time you will get over it and meet someone else who will be good for you, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Leave her as simple as that I am female my self I know if she doesn't love you she won't love you in future it will always cause you pain then brother be strong leave her & i am sure you will do much better I know for time being it will be so hard but later on you will be glad

  5. My friend is going through exact same phase of life as the respected brother in question. My friend's fiancee is not getting back to her and it's been over 2months!!! She is fed up but the only reason she is being patient is because several times she performed istikhara and they were all postive.My advise to her was to get his family involved and make them aware of his irresponsible behaviour...

    And as for you brother MNS, please do not call off your engagement until you know the reason why she is not getting back you... Being engaged is not a joke- both side of the family must habe done their thorough research and agreed to engage you two. Now if it is not working out, then you need to find out WHY?!- this is your right to know! And then if there has been some miscommunication or misunderstanding then resolve it but if not then leave/ accept and let it goooo...

    Whatever, the outcome be, neverrrrrr give up hope in Allah (swt)!

    May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and all other Muslims.

    Parveen..
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    Admin and editors of this site,

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    Parveen

  6. Asalaam alaikum,

    I concur greatly with the advice given, but I want to say something directly to you, MNS. Please understand that according to narrations, it has been said that women were given a greater part of love desire, but then Allah (swt) gave them equal parts of shyness to cover those desires. In this case, what you have experienced is her reluctance to give her love away so easily, because she is afraid that you will take advantage of it. On one hand, it could just be that she is being very cautious to the point where it's driving you mad, because you being older are ready for a type of affection and intimacy that this girl may not fully appreciate.

    Of course, because of your devotion and readiness for marriage, you may have intimidated her, if her feelings were not ready to be mutual so soon. It has been my experience that just because a girl/woman is ready to be married, does not mean that she knows the depth of that decision. This is true for men as well, but so evident in your case.

    If I am being honest, it seems like you two are mismatched emotionally. You have an overriding desire to be generous with your affection and while it's beautiful to see, it may just be too much for this girl.

    Having said that, you must prepare yourself for the worst. If it comes to be that she chooses another suitor or rejects your proposal, then you may fall into great despair if you are not careful. In fact, you are already in the first stage. So at this point, you need to be honest with her, tell her you are ready for your nikkah and ask for her reply. Till then, you are hurting yourself emotionally and setting yourself up for failure. Please be careful with your own heart!

    Your love can be a beautiful, gracious and incredible thing, but you have to reign it in till you are actually married. Most romantics would scoff at this idea, but I must warn you that if you do not, the pain of loving someone who did not love you, leads to a path full of hurt and misery. Already you are suffering the maladies of this, and I fear the desperation you could plunge yourself into.

    It may be a case where in her naivete, this girl does not appreciate this fact. So it seems that for now, you are on your own to wrestle and get to grips with your love which is like a wild bronco, ready to leave the gates. And while that seems like a great anticipation, left untamed, that love will kick you off and leave you broken on the floor.

    I want to share another thing with you. Many people pray and "see" that the prayer comes right for them. Yet, istikhara is not a means to suspend logic or to avoid taking the proper steps as to what you need right now. And that is, to talk with the girl and tell her of your need for affirmation of her desire to be married to you. Let her state what her boundaries are in this regard and listen to her. This is no longer a case of what you need and want, but what she needs and wants, as well. You cannot focus solely on yourself or you will make steps way ahead of what she is ready for. You must pace yourself accordingly to how the relationship is developing. If it turns out, as I suspect you are mismatched, then you need to understand that you both may need to consider another person for marriage.

    Another thing, while you are praying for her love, I think that in your case, this is a bit misguided. Your focus should be for Allah (swt) to reveal the best path for you that takes you swiftly and closer to Him. Anything that impedes that journey, such as your over devotion to this girl, is a bit futile and distracted. Your love for a person should come secondary to your love for Him. The true purpose of istikhara is to admit your complete reliance on Him. You are standing before Allah (swt), surrendering and being humble in His presence and All-Knowing Wisdom. Please do not lose sight of that.

    If you keep this is mind, then it does not matter what happens with this girl, because you would have developed a closer relationship with Allah (swt). In fact, this is what your confusion and wonder should always inspire you to: humility and submission to The Supreme Creator. This is the ultimate key to success in this world and the hereafter. Please remember that.

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