Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My new husband is unfaithful and manipulative, don’t know what to do

Lies, telling lies, lyingAssalamualaikum,

I am very uncertain about what the future of my marriage will hold after making certain discoveries about my new husband.

I met my husband through a family friend last year. After a few meetings and speaking on the phone we had our nikah 3 months later. He really sold himself to me. He told me all the things i wanted to hear. I thought he was pious and honest and sincere and genuine.

It all happened very quickly but i had strictly followed the 3 steps for marriage. Through my initial meeting and judgement i was happy. I did istikhara and was happy. We asked people who knew of his family and got good feedback. I had a few doubts about whether he was actually interested in me or marrying me just to please his parents. So i confronted him on this. He insisted that wasnt the case. So i believed him.

After the nikah everything seemed fine. I was still studying so i would live with my parents until the end of that academic year then move in with him and his family.

During this time i realised how little he was of the man he described himself to be. I was extremely distraught. We argued quite a bit over this time. Over differences of opinions. But i had made a commitment and knew that i would have to make our relationship work.

Then i finished my studies and moved on with him. I love his family. I love his house. And at times i love him. I trusted him to be honest and loyal to me. I was certain he was. But many things he said didnt match up. He often contradicted himself. And when i would question him we would have arguments.

He brings out a horrible side to me that i have no idea exists. He makes me feel like the fact that i try my best to pray and dress modestly and wear a scarf makes me a hyprocrite because i also do things such as wear make up and watch tv.

He makes me want to rebel. And when i dont see him praying i do ask him if hes praying or not. And he tells me that fact that i ask makes him rebel and not pray and its my fault that he doesnt pray.

Hes never shown any real interest or romance towards me. 1 yr later ive never received so much as a small gift or flower or anything that shows some sort of indication that he feels love for me of thinks of me.

By now i realised he lied alot. His own father told me he B.S.'s alot and not to let me be fooled by him.

Again i confronted him. He never admitted the lies but promised to be honest from now on. I accepted that.

Ive lived with him for 3 months now. And i think ive cried myself to sleep more in this time than when my father died. We argue so often. He does something i dislike and when i confront him he flips it around on me and manipulates me to make me feel like im always in the wrong. When all i do is run after him and his family and his house to try and please everyone. I hardly see my mum and friends anymore because i try to make my husband priority.

But nothing is ever good enough. He tells me hes happy with me through his words. But his actions say otherwise. His heart has never been in this relationship. I wanted a best friend and a true partner and he just wanted a 'wife'.

My suspicions got the better of me one night and i ended up checking his phone. I found that he was talking to several other women and making plans to meet up with them.

I was heart broken. All my doubts were confirmed.

Again i confronted him. I had decided to leave. But i gave him one chance to come clean. Repent. And start over.

But he still lied to the very last second. Tried to convince me they were work friends. But the messages i read were definitely not just 'friendly' terms.

I no longer trust him. For some reason even though i knew he lied i thought he was loyal. But hes not even that.

A week or 2 passed and we tried rebuilding our relationship. I thought maybe theres some hope. Maybe hes realised.

Then we make a joint bank account. I learn hes in a very bad position financially. I think thats fine it was his past. Then i discover that in the last year hes been married to me and borrowing money off me and ive been struggling financially and counting pennies to get groceries and using the little savings i have. And hes been gambling hundreds of pounds away at a time.

I confront him. He says if i want to leave u can leave.

I tell him i am desperately trying to make our relationship work. If he can be honest with me and loyal to be we could deal with anything.

So im here trying to make our relationship work. I dont trust him at all. We are living off an overdraft. Hes not going to be paid anytime soon and i am struggling to find a job.

I already feel so betrayed because he didnt save any money to support me and us.

I dont trust him to be loyal to me.

I feel like i cant rely on him financially because he spent all his money with no regard to how we will survive.

And he often lets me down is other regards. Tells me he will do this or do that and then finds an excuse.

I feel really alone because i hide all of this from my family and friends coz i cant bare to tell them the truth. I dont want them to hurt.

I dont know what future to expect. I desperately dont want any children right now. Because i do not trust him to have a child with him. And im scared that if i stay in this relationship it will end up being destructive if he doesnt change for the better. Yet i dont have the courage to leave. And dont think i even have enough of a reason to leave in the eyes of Allah.

And i ķnow Allah does everything for a reason. But i dont know what im supposed to do. I already regret this marriage. I know itll be easier to leave now than in the future. But i do want to stay. But im scared i will regret this decision.


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5 Responses »

  1. Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
    As Salaamu Alaikum, Sis
    Allah doesn't put on us more than we can bear. In shaa Allah seek Allah's guidance on how to proceed with your husband, have patience and don't fall in the temptation of shaytan, stay away from haram and continue your salah. Islam gives sisters right to ask for a khula if we have to. Allah is must just, shaytan swore he would break up families causing split between husband and wife. Allah blesses those who are patient and strong in Him, either stay together or Allah bless a way out even though divorce is frowned upon, it is allowed. This is a test, may Allah strengthen you in Iman, have mercy on you and forgive you for any mistakes you may have made. Talk with your Imam or religious scholar for best way to proceed. You husband has to repent, Allah does not change a person's condition until he changes the condition of himself.

    The situation in which the wife initiates divorce proceedings is known as Khul’a. In the time of the Prophet (SAWS), the wife of Thabit b. Qais requested the Prophet for a divorce from her husband. The Prophet asked her to return the garden given to her at the time of marriage as dower (Mahr). She accepted this condition and the marriage was dissolved.

    May Allah guide you through this difficult time and strengthen you, your family is your protection and helper talk with them. Keep everything according to Qur'an and sunnah and trust in Allah.

  2. There is no restriction on the grounds for divorce. The most common of these are:

    Where the wife suffers physical, financial or emotional harm from the husband. Any violence in the marriage is condemned by Islam, and the Council takes allegations of such violence very seriously.
    Where the husband suffers certain physical defects, such as impotency.
    Adultery or infidelity.
    Where there is difference of religion.
    The Council is a registered charity. It will deal with cases where either party has been living permanently in this country and at least one of the parties has made an application, requesting the Council’s judgement.

    Once a judgement to grant divorce has been made by the Council, a final fee may be payable by the applicant (see the guidelines in the application form for the fee payable at the end of this process). Two original copies of the divorce certificate are then issued; one of which is sent to the applicant and one is reserved for the former husband.

  3. Dear Sister: Your husband himself has told you that if you want to leave, you can leave. Under the circumstances, that would be the wise thing to do. Your husband is abusive, immoral and unkind. There is no reason to continue living with someone with these characteristics who has the nerve to play mind games with you. As for being "patient", that is not advisable or even kind good advice. Your husband does not deserve your patience. So often women in the worse living conditions are told to be patient. This is such an affront to a woman who is in turn expected to "obey" the same person who is abusing them. That makes no sense. It is also an insult to decent women everywhere. There is no shame associated with you making the decision to remove yourself from a horrible condition. It is time for you to physically move on. Discuss this with your parents, a good friend or someone you trust. Do not let them or anyone try to convince you that you should stay with this low life mistake of a man. Even his father knows that your husband is a unacceptable spouse. You can do khula, but under the circumstances, you have grounds for a standard divorce where you do not owe your husband a single thing. Be prepared for others to convince you otherwise. You may even do that yourself. However, if you stay with such a human being, prepare yourself and any children you have for a life of misery and regret.

  4. @Roses
    Salaam, sis I was not telling her to be patient with her husband, that's why I gave her info on how to proceed with divorce. Allah says in difficult times be patient. She will need patience in getting through divorce if she chooses, starting over after marriage, seeking Allah guidance what to do, all require patience. Allah says a believer is reward when they thank Him in good times and are rewarded for patience during difficult times.

  5. assalam Alaikum Sister. take the advice of the lovely ladies above. If it starts off bad, it only gets worse. You have no children, RUN. Take it from me. I married a compulsive liar. everyone told me he was a liar and when I confronted him before the wedding he told me that people were jealous of him because he was getting to marry a beautiful, rich girl and go abroad. He said he never lied. I believed him. I have had 23 years if misery and we have two children. They are miserable too. I made a horrible mistake. I ruined the lives of my children. Please please get out. Liars will continue to lie and make you the liar to cover their lies,. But the truth always comes out and then he says there is a good reason why he told that lie then. But he can never tell me the reason. He will lie for no reason. I know what you have in your life. I am begging you, get out. He is not just a liar, he is a gambler too and only Allah knows what else. It is not easy what you have to do but now is the time to do it. You do not want to spend your life working to pay off his debts which you live a life of abuse and unhappiness. May Allah make it easy for you.

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