Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants to return me to my parents house

Salam,

First of all Im not a Muslim I’m Catholic but married to a Muslim. My husband and I have been married a little over two years and it has been very difficult for me because I wasn’t used to his culture, but I knew what i was going through. We got married Islamic way and through court. We have had fights a lot in the beginning of our marriage when we used to live in my parents house. One of them was about him going out every night with his friends and he will always be late around 5 am. His friends are also arab Muslims and they will go to gamble at the casinos and that would make me so mad. He would get mad when i will tell him why he was late and we would end in so many fights.  After we moved everything got better but he would still go out to the casino and spend the money we have to pay our bills. He said he wanted to change that but i feel he is addicted and I try to help him with that and it looks he ia trying but i just hope after he continues to keep himself away. Continuing to the story...like i said it has been a difficult marriage but I love my husband so much and I will do anything to keep this marriage going. It’s still Ramadan and yesterday my husband was not in a very good mood and I wasn’t also and yesterday we crashed with our attitudes I tried not to fight but he kept raising his voice at me and that made me more mad then after that I said to him I was going to bed and he told me why aren’t going to do anything in the house so that made me even more mad so i started cleaning very mad and i saw that he got up and was leaving so i stepped in front the door asking him where he was going he said it was not my business and in that moment i didn’t relized he was going to pray at the masjid. My head was covered in anger and so as him. So i was blocking his way until he grabbed me and throw me over to the couch and of that my lower back got hurt. And I went after him to talk to him and he was already in the car i tried to get inside, the doors were locked i stepped in front of the car and he was moving the car so i got on it before he get over me and then he stopped and told me prepare yourself because you’re going back to your parents house. I did very wrong mistake and i ask god for forgiveness and i asked him for forgiveness after he came back home but he said he will not forgive me and he will talk to my parents on Friday and I’m so embarrassed in what i did i never done that before my anger got me. And in that moment I just thought about converting in to islam and that it will make me change and be forgiven by god but I also want forgiveness from my husband I don’t want to loose him and I thought that after his prays he would be better but he is still angry he wont talk to me I don’t know what to do. Please help

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams Dear Sister:
    I would never hesitate to encourage someone to accept Islam. However, each individual should accept Islam for themselves, because they know in their heart that Allah is One, that He is the Creator and that Muhammad (a.s.) is His last Prophet. So do not accept Islam because you think your husband wants you to do this or because you think it will help make your marriage better.

    Your husband does not deserve you. His is a man very few women want to be around. Selfish, self-centered, narcissistic
    men create drama and sadness around any decent woman, regardless of her religion or status. Everything is all about them. If your husband is out all hours of the night, going to the casino, spending household money on partying, he is not being a good husband. No man in my family would behave this way and then during Ramadan try to convince anyone he is a "good Muslim." As I said, he does not deserve you.

    Your husband has no business talking to your parents as if you are a child. If he wants to divorce you, he should discuss it with you and be prepared to provide for you for a period of time. That is why I think he wants to talk to your parents. He probably wants to avoid the expense of being responsible for you and does not want to take any responsibility for your maintenance. You yourself decide where you will live in the event you divorce -- which I think you should do.

    Your husband is playing the game of so many so-called Muslim men who marry a naive non-Muslim or new Muslim woman, use her and then go to the next woman who has no idea of what pain is waiting for her, to do the same thing again. I strongly suggest that you focus on getting yourself a divorce lawyer and start preparing yourself to life after divorce: Getting a job if you don't have one, getting a decent divorce settlement, documenting your husbands's bad behavior, negligence, and possible adultery for the Courts, etc. A man does not come home at 5 in the morning all the time because he was out gambling or hanging out with his friends.

    Do not concern yourself with being a "good wife" or what minor mistakes you may have made. Imagine if you left the house for the day and left the door unlocked or wide open. Your roommate will be mad. But if you left your house with the door unlocked or wide open because there is a fire, no one will be upset with you. Sister, your house is on fire! Do not fall into the trap of being criticized as being a bad wife, because of cultural differences or because you are not Muslim. Every adult married person, and especially every Muslim has a duty to ALWAYS behave themselves regardless of what someone else is or is not doing. Your husband knew long before he married you that you were not Muslim. As I said, he more than likely used that to his advantage. Most young women who are Muslim that I know who found themselves in your situation would have left this rag-tag no good man months ago, moved on and maybe found another better man to marry.

  2. As that poster above mentioned. These so called Muslim will marry any nice naive woman for selfish reason to get citizenship or just pass time. Some of these men eventually go back to their native country and marry an very young girl.

  3. Assalam Alaikum MY Lovely sister,
    i know you are going through so much pain and you are not a muslim but do not worry allah is with you and i say you should learn about islam and after learning you should embraced it because there is not guarantee how much one can live no one knows death will come to every living thing so sorry i am not here to scare you or put you in more tension but the fact of this world is what i mentioned about death every human being who belongs to any religion and race accepts the truth about death so i say you should learn about islam and embraced it believe me it will change your life and you will feel that in all of your sufferings you are not alone the creator of all things allah almighty is with you and you should learn about what islam says about the husband and wife relation and its issues can be discussed with renowned islamic scholar try to reach out to any islamic scholar near by where you lived and discuss you matter with him and first thing you should do is to ask help from allah the creator of everything i know you loves your husband and also make dua for him that may allah gave him hadayah and grants him to follow towards the right path which allah wants from every human being.inshallah he will change i guarantee you 100% and becomes a great husband.
    love you sister
    may allah gaves you infinite happiness and prosperity
    i will make dua for you in my prayers
    allah hafiz.

  4. I don't quite understand these people that are automatically labelling OP a good wife. How would anyone know what kind of wife she is? I mean...from the displayed behaviour OP describes...she has her flaws, too.

    It sounds to me like this marriage is toxic and dysfunctional overall. Because the people in the marriage sound like toxic and dysfunctional people. Both YOU and your husband. You both need to sort yourselves out, see a marriage counselor (NOT a religious one, please) and figure out what it is you want and expect from this marriage. Otherwise your relationship will end nowhere else but in the garbage bin with your divorce papers.

    Why would your husband prefer to spend time with his friends than with you? Did he marry you for practical reasons, so he doesn't actually enjoy being with you? Do you not make your home warm and inviting for him to want to stay in? Do you two never have fun together? There must be a reason why your husband prefer other people's company. Not saying you are doing something to drive him away, but you did mention that your loved ones suspect this man is only with you, because he has something practical to gain from being married to you. Is there maybe some truth to that? If that's the case, then there is really no point in even trying to work on this marriage. Just sign the divorce papers and don't allow yourself to be anyone's free meal.

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