Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Convert married to Kaffir

alone
I recently converted to Islam last February 2015. I was a big sinner before then. I did things that I am very ashamed of. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived in group homes since I was 12. My mom was and still is a drug addict. I was Sexually abused by a boyfriend of hers as a kid after my parents divorced. ( he was sentenced to 7 Years in prison).

I met my husband when I was 15 through friends. The day I met him I called him short because I was 15 and stupid. That night I slept with one of his best friends. And through the months that followed I slept with 7 of his friends.

A little while later he got my friend to get in contact with me and asked me out. We began a relationship. A few months later we were at a hotel party and he was ignoring me, so i stupidly boasted to his friend that we should do it again. This was after a bottle popped in his eye and he was pain while I chatted with his friend. After being together one year (I was 16) I got pregnant. I was 3 months along when he convinced me to have an abortion. He said that he would kill himself if I had the baby because his parents would disown. So I went for an abortion and he came with me. As soon as we walked out the office he started arguing with me. Later that day I guess he felt bad because he promised to marry me that summer and even wrote it on a piece of paper with his signature and gave it to me.

He made me beg my friends to have sex with him and a few of them did while I had to watch. He even blackmailed to go to a sex club with him and we had sex with another couple. And he forced me to have sex with his friend.

From the beginning he was emotionally abusive and physically abusive. Punching ,kicking ,biting ,pulling my hard, holding me hostage, ( anything you could think of) . And I had no confidence so I put up with it. I felt like I deserved it.  Also when he wasn't big evil he was sweet, kind, generous (like a total different person) .

The summer came and he went to jail. I found out from someone that he was cheating on me and might have fathered another girl's baby. This hurt a lot especially after just having an abortion. I felt lonely and hurt and I made the mistake of cheating on him again with a few more people. I also started doing hard drugs again. When he came out of jail he called me to come to his house.  But I stayed away that night smoking drugs.  The next day I answered his call and went to see him. I had chlamydia and didn't know it and I passed it on to him.

The emotional and physical abuse continued and but eventually I moved into his parents house with him. My husband has Fibromyalgia, anxiety and uses that as an excuse to not work. He sells drugs for a living.  I stopped using really hard drugs (like cocaine) because he quit too but we were still smoking weed and cigarettes together. Last year after quitting smoking, then converting to Islam (Alhamdullilah) after lots of research. I also become pregnant a couple of months later. He stopped physically abusing me around this time and has only hit me a few times since My husband (boyfriend at the time) decided to marry me. Especially because his parents kept pressuring him to as our relationship was Haraam. So last year April 2 2015 we did Nikah.

Our baby boy was born December 10 2015 (Alhamdullilah). My husband did not stay with me at the hospital and I was alone most of the time there. (His mom had high blood pressure). My stepmother stayed with me for a little time.  Ever since I met my husband he's been constantly with his friend all day every day. They have a common interest (Marijuana). He told me after his son was born that he would stop hanging out with his friends so much and start spending time with me. He also said he would stop abusing the prescription drug called Percocet and smoke less marijuana. It's been almost 4 months  since giving birth and nothing has changed. If  anything its worsened. I'm pretty much a single mom. His mom works full time and helps me sometimes. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be able to shower, eat, pray on time or use the bathroom. He spends all of his time in our laundry room smoking with his friends and watching TV . They are there 24/7. I only see him when he comes to pray or sleep. He also has a bad gambling habit.  He has lost tens of thousands of dollars in casino. I have been keeping my money separate the last month (I still pitch in for food and rent though). He constantly bugs for money that I refuse to give him.  And he fights with me extra when he loses his money at Casino. He is still emotionally abusing me and constantly blackmailing me about my past. I know I was very bad but I don't feel like that justifies how he behaves now. He yells in front of the baby. He's always threatening me saying really evil things like I'm gonna bash your face in, hit you in the head with a baseball bat, wait till you are sleeping I'm gonna cut all your hair off.  I lock myself in my room when he becomes aggressive. He always throwing my past in my face by saying the names of the people I slept with when we argue, calling me a druggie and a s***. I always remind him that I have been a good wife to him though.

His mom tries to help us when we argue but she doesn't know about my past and my husband has no respect for her anyways. He even yells at her too. I took him to see an imam and we made some agreements.  But as soon as we walked out of the mosque my husband starts saying insane stuff about the imam. He said the imam can't work so he lives of people's donations, he's a fraud, he's the type of imam that probably hires prostitutes for himself at nighttime. (He said some awful things), on the way home he grabbed me and hit me in front of the baby. (I was in the back seat). I went to my family's house for the day and he begged me to come back saying that I did not have his permision to stay out for the night. He doesn't spend time with me and whenever he comes to see me he starts fighting with me for absolutely no reason. He continues to do drugs, spend all his time with his friends, fight with me all the time, throws my past in my face and makes no effort to change. He calls himself a Muslim.  He reads Quran and does Salat.  But nothing  that I point out from the Quran makes him change. I still love him a lot.  He showed me the way and taught me about Islam.  He made me a better person and I feel like I owe my life to him and I ought to help him. I can't handle the arguments sometimes I break things and scream back because I'm so hurt and furious. I miss him and I want him to mend his ways In sh Allah.  I'm very lonely and sad. What can I do? I feel helpless. Please guide me Jazak Allah Khaiyran.

KabirB

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6 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum. Alhamdullilah for islam your past was completely wiped clean as if it never happened! All of us have a past even the sahaba were not born muslim they reverted to Islam. Seek counselling to work through your past and come to a place of self love and acceptance: we are not our pasts, we are our present conscious decisions and what we aspire to be. You need to leave this guy, muslim or not, he is emotionally and physically abusive and you need to get yourself out. Without thinking twice. This is not a healthy situation for you or your child to grow up and learn in. They will learn from you what to expect in relationships in the future. Get out, be safe, gain some peace on your own and then decide what to do, drop him and dont look back.

  2. Assalam Alaikum sister! May Allah bless you and I am very happy that you came to Islam. Akhamdulillah. Remember according to prophetic hadith, Islam wipes out all the past sins, no matter how much great they were.
    First of all sister, accept yourself. Allah forgives all the sinse when someone does sincere repentence. You did that, so consider your past to be wiped clean now. And Alhamdulillah now you are trying to better person.
    I can undrstand you love your husband, and also he was the person who brought close to Islam. No doubt thay was amazing thing. But remember even though he introduced you to Islam, it does not mean he can now do everything with you or that whatever he does is accorsing to Islam. I would suggest you to again go to some imam or some proper and useful conselling.
    Your husband is very abusive, and I dont think that it is healthy for you to in such relation. Its neither useful for you neither for the child. Allah will make things easier for you. Ameen.
    I am not married myself. But I feel that no woman or wife desrve such treatment and it is comoletely unislamic and inhumane how he is treating you. I would suggest you to leave him. May be I am too abrupt about leaving. May be someone else may give better advice.
    May Allah help you sister. Dont loose hope! 🙂

  3. Salam sister. First I am not scholor although I was surrounded with scholors when I was young .I myself a revert too. MY WIFE IS A SUNNI MUSLIM SCHOLOR AND IS A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHER WOMEN..I GUESS IT'S A BLESSING FROM ALLAH.....LISTEN WELL FIRST ..SUCCESS IS ONLY OBEYING THE COMMANDMENTS OF ALLAH AND TEACHINGS OF MUHAMMAD PBUH. IF WE CHOOSE TO FOLLOW OUR DESIRES AND HAVE FUN N GAMES REGARDLESS IF WEALTH WAS GIVEN TO US OR JUST WORLDLY INTELLIGENCE..THIS HUMANBEING WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL. ALLAH HAS SAID I WILL FILL HIS HEART WITH SO MANY PROBLEMS AND HE WILL HAVE NO PEACE AND TRANQUILITY. HE WILL FIND THAT IS EARNINGS WILL BE ALWAYS INSUFFICIENT! !!AND THEN HE WILL HAVE A TO FACE THE GRAVE AND IT'S PUNISHMENT AND THEN JUDGEMENT DAY. THIS BODY IS A TRUST FROM GOD.WE CAN NOT DO ANYTHING WE LIKE...FOR EVERYTHING IS BEING RECORDED! !THE HEART IS LIKE A MIRROR IF IT'S DIRTY IT DOESN'T REFLECT.SO WHEN WE COMMIT SO MUCH SINS THE HEART EVENTUALLY GETS BLACK AND SO TO DO GOOD AND THINK IT BECOMES HARD.THE ENEMY IS SHAITAN .THE DAY YOUR BORN A SHAITAN IS WITH US UPTO OUR LAST BREATH..TO BE HAPPY SUCCESSFUL SMILING POSITIVE beautiful glowing shining and intelligent. ...this can only happen when we become good.....how? First keep away from evil people so called friends and stick to people who are practicing Islam..there qualities rub off ..just like perfume. ..attend the mosque were teaching
    And learning take places.Help the muslim community the poor and in roll your child when he /she becomes 4 or 5yrs..This is your ticket to jannah...You must OVIOUSLY pray Salah 5 times a day.....learn the basics even if you know one sura.the point is to perfect it because salah will be the first thing that will be asked on the day of judgement .. learn to read quran...it's a must...SHAITAN keeps away from the light that burns? QURAN GIVES YOU THAT PROTECTION N PEACE. ...THEY SAY AN IDLE MAN'S BRAIN IS DEVILS WORKSHOP. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DAILY ROUTINE. ALL PRACTISING MUSLIMS HAVE A DAILY SCHEDULE .REMEMBER THIS A SOON YOU START TURNING TO ALLAH AND DOING GOOD SHAITAN WILL ATTACK IN DIFFERENT WAYS.SOMETIMES PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSE.SO BE PATIENT AND LEARN SILENCE AND KNOW 5HAT ALLAH IS TESTING ME.....UNDERSTAND!!LIFE IS A TEST FOR THE BELIEVERS...THE DEVILS ARE VERY SNEAKING AND KNOW YOUR HABITS N DESIRES......SO DO ZIKR AT ALL TIMES.....AS MOTHER YOU HAVE TO PROTECT UR CHILDS IMAN ..DO NOT RELY ON ANYONE BR ALLAH SO CHANGE YOUR THINKING N OLD WAYS IN ORDER TO SURVIVE ..THIS CHILD IS INNOCENT .IT IS ONLY THE EG . OF YOU TO BE A ROLE MODEL. ..HONEST KIND AND PRACTICING MUSLIM...HE WILL SEE THIS...LASTLY YOU CANNOT DWELL AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU ...LIFE GOES ON.ITS TOO SHORT..YOU HAVE S MUCH IN FRONT OF YOU....IT'S HOW YOU MAKE YOUR DESTINY.WE ARE ALL IMPERFECT AND ALLAH IS ALWAYS FORGIVING.BUT WE HAVE TO SHOW AND SAY WITH GOOD INTENTIONS THAT I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. LEARN TO MAKE TAUBA DAILY..EVEN THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD MADE TAUBA DAILY..IF YOUR CHILD AND YOU ARE HAVING SLEEPLESS NIGHTs play AUDIO AND LET IT REPEAT ITSELF THROUGH THE NIGHT......IT IS CALLED (MANZIL) THESE ARE SELECTED DUAS OR PRAYERS OF THE PROPHET. THIS IS IF WE HAVE ANY BLK MAJIC DONE ON US OR JINN INVOLVEMENT. ..PLAY THIS DAILY YOU WILL SEE ALSO AYATUL KURSI .YOU CAN GET THIS ON THE APP STORE OR YOU TUBE...ONE MORE THING MUSIC N QURAN CAN NEVER MIX .FOOD SHOULD BE 100%HALAL OR ELSE THE BLOOD WILL BE CONTAMINATED CLOTHING SHOULD NOT BE TO ATTRACT OTHERS AS WELL AS MAKEUP..IN ISLAM LIFE IS SIMPLE AND NATURAL ..WE DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS ANY BODY BUT ARE MAKER BECAUSE ARE REAL HOME IS IN JANNAH..FACT...PLEASE DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST SHAITAN USES THIS TO REMIND YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE..SO YOU DON'T DO GOOD DEEDS. ALSO DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR PAST WITH ANYONE.THAT'S PAST AND IT SHOULD BE KEPT SECRET PRIVATE WHATEVER.. MUSLIMS SHOULD BE THE BEST HUMANBEINGS IN THE WORLD ..BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE PUT DUNIYA IN FRONT OF ALLAH..ALSO THE SO CALLED MUSLIMS WHO KILL PEOPLE REGARDLESS ARE NOT MUSLIMS.THEY ARE CULT OR TRAINED BY CIA OR ILLUMINATI. IN ISLAM YOU CANNOT KILL ANYBODY EVEN A CREATURE FOR WE ARE ALLAH'S CREATION. ONE BIG FAMILY! !!I HOPE YOU BECOME THE BEST.MAYBE THAT'S WHY GOD GUIDED YOU TO ME...WHEN THERE'S A CRY IN THE HEART IT'S TRUE
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  4. Sister, remember your husband didn't show you the path, it was your lord Allah who guided you and brought you close to him. Your husband i agree was the reason maybe but definately not a role model to follow. My advice is to sit down and explain what you want and what he wants. If things still don't work, then sister you need to find a good muslim brother who will keep you happy. You shouldn't ruin the rest of your life by clinging on with somebody like that

    • Salam,

      I agree with Brother K. Great advice. Sit down and talk, or go through a couselor weekly. You don't owe your husband anything, and he cannot throw your past in your face because it is wiped clean by Allah when you took Shahadah. Your husband owes you, because he is obligated to take care of you and the baby. And think about how he treats his mother, because it's the same amount of respect he is going to show you even when you get old. Talk to him, and see what's going on; and if nothing comes out of it, then you have good reasons to ask for divorce. You need someone who will support you and baby and allow you both to grow in Islam.

      Salam,
      Shereen

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