Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parent’s Preventing Marriage because of Caste

O people, Remember that your Lord is One. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a black has no superiority over white, nor a white has any superiority over black, except by piety and good action (Taqwa). Indeed the best among you is the one with the best character (Taqwa). Listen to me. Did I convey this to you properly? People responded, Yes. O messenger of God, The Prophet then said, then each one of you who is there must convey this to everyone not present.

Salaam,

I am in a situation in which many people is in. I'm am in love with a guy who is from a different caste, I only speak to him over the phone and via text.  I was hoping my family would agree and let me marry him I had told my family but the outcome was totally different.  Every one reacted really bad and  went totally against it. The guy was prepared to meet my family but they don´t even want to see him or his parents for the single reason of him being from a different caste.  I don't want to leave home and do anything to hurt my family but I also can not let this guy go and would never forget him. I keep explaining and trying to get through to everyone but each and every time I get a negative response.  I am really lost and confused and have no idea what to do. I never wanted to be in a marriage where I would be thinking of some one else but it's really difficult for me to get through this.

There is nothing wrong or any bad habits in this guy or his family but my family don't see beyond his caste. They know he is amazing and will keep me happy but they rather give me to a guy who has all the bad habits in him but has to be from family. I had prayed to Allah to send the one who is made for me and Allah did that I strongly believe he is the one but I really can't get my family to see that. By the way, my family has been behaving bad, now his parents are not even happy and are forcing him to marry else where.

I need all the dua's I can possibly get and any advice that any one could give to make my situation a little more easier or bearable. I have tried to be the best I could possibly be as a human, as a daughter and as sister and all I want in return is the remaing of my life to be spent in happiness, peace and in the halal manner.

Thank you for taking to read and help me.

reena

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26 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum reena,

    As you said there are many people in your situation, there is a question posted here, this will give you an idea of what is going on with other people that is in your same situation, this is the link:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/parents-not-agreeing-choice-of-wife/

    I will share with you some of my thoughts after listening to the other writers.

    Caste has to do with socio-economical factors, what I see is how is affecting the youth of your country, how many people have their lives stagnated because they cannot move back or forward, because their parents disagree with the chosen one due to caste issues.

    As muslims we must respect our parents, where are the limits to the obedience to our parents related to choose our spouse? I´ve seen how people get bitter seeing how their lives pass by without giving one step forward, specially women, we care about time because we cannot wait forever, and man are not able to move because they don´t have the way to do it without the approval of their parents, many times they depend financially from their families and don´t have option to move from their family homes, ... don´t know how to begin or how to end.

    I would encourage you to talk to your parents in a quiet, simple, loving and respectful way how you feel and bring forward our muslim roots, this caste issue has nothing to do with Islam.

    You are the new generation, the ones that can change the world and the way that everything happens, if you cannot do anything directly, maybe this is a test for you when you have your own children, how would you behave in this situation in the future? Your suffering now will change the world if you don´t get so bitter that you would do the same to your children, only Allah(swt) knows.

    I come from a different culture, but I´ve seen how a bitter mother or father can try to ruin their children lives, that exists, not all the parents are good to their children. I don´t know your families or how you have been raised, or which were the roots learnt by you to take decisions related to your future, I cannot talk about other culture, but I believe it is not fare that a person can have so much power over the future of other one when you are already a grown up person? At the end, they already had their life, why don´t you have the right to have your own with the person you choose to be with? What do they know to behave this way that we don´t know?

    Forgive me, I talked to much.

    Reena, what would happen if you accept your family decision? They are doing their best for you to give up.

    If you stop fighting, continue with your prayers and make all the duas you are able to do, you will get answers, but you will get the answers that are the best for you, but you may not see it as that, then I would highly recommend you to respect your parents and pray to Allah(swt) to open your eyes to what is the best for you, your parents are in your life and you must obey them and whatever they decide will be done, can you see this as a blessing from Allah(swt)? Can you submit your will till the point you won´t fight to marry this man? Can you do this and see it as a blessing even when you think now that it is bad for you to give up?

    Thank you very much for sharing and listening to me.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear people . Please listen really clearly
      We must concentrate that caste has nothihng to do with islam. Allah says in chapter 3 verse number 103 Surah Al imran that "hold strongly to the Rope of Allah and do not Be divided" this states that caste is not permitted in islam. our Prophet "peace be upon him" said " oPeople remember that a non-Arab is not superior to an Arab nor is an Arab superior to a Non - Arab" this says that that ethnicity race is nothing in islam. Allah says in the Quran that no human being can be superior to another human being by anyways but the only way one can be superior to another human being is my Taqwah, its my God conciousness its by Having Piety.

      Moreover i would like to address the sad people around here who are having such caste problems due to parents most probably is that the first very way to adopt to convince your parents is my Patience and respect and love. This has to be done from both sides of love him/her

      Another important point is that both people who say they love each other must not give up no matter what. Or else its not Love. Love means forever striving cz its that one person you know u love much etc

      The parents must try to adopt a positive approach too. They must understand to get our of this "quagmire of Caste " they must know that islam is Equality . It must not be forgotten by the parents that no matter what the reason is as long as its based on caste that Islam is The Muslim Ummah and we as the Ummah must follow the Orders of Allah and the guidance that is hadith of our beloved Prophet (S.A.W) and if they once truly understand this thing must focus that nothing in this world is greater then the commandments of Allah in Quran not even caste cz Allah said that only Piety can cause superiority nothing else and the prophet also said the hadith saying the same message. The parents from both side must adopt the positive message Allah gave that He placed us in tribes and nations with different languages only tht we may recognize each other. Nor that we may say oh i am superior n u r inferior no o ur lower caste etc. the Quran says Chapter 49 Surah Hujurat verse 13:
      O mankind, We created you from one man and one woman, and then divided you into nations and tribes so that you may recognize one another. Indeed, the most honorable among you in the Sight of Allah is he who is the most pious of you. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise. this worse is clearly understandable and shuns all caste race racism thing. It delivers again tht the most superior and honourable in sight of Allah is the most pious thats all n where it says caste thing or whatever. This thing must be understand by the parents and elders . They must focus that Allah's orders are greater than their thinking of caste caste marriage and that if they do it thet are disobeying Allah and that is wrong undoubtely according to what Quran says in this Matter!! Also in this verse it says that sects discrimination caste is wrong
      And that Allah will deal with such people on the Last Day
      As mentioned in Quran, IN Surat Al Anaam. Chapter 6, Verse 159.

      إِنَّ الَّذِينَ فَرَّقُوا دِينَهُمْ وَكَانُوا شِيَعًا لَسْتَ مِنْهُمْ فِي شَيْءٍ ۚ إِنَّمَا أَمْرُهُمْ إِلَى اللَّهِ ثُمَّ يُنَبِّئُهُمْ بِمَا كَانُوا يَفْعَلُونَ

      Indeed, those who have divided their religion and become sects - you, [O Muhammad], are not [associated] with them in anything. Their affair is only [left] to Allah ; then He will inform them about what they used to do.

      Therefore i convey a message to the people who love each other is that please firstly never give up n tell ur parents that wat they are doing is wrong they are parents but human beings too. If the parents are In Shaa Allah logical understand what the quran is saying n the Prophet(pbuh) n understand that all this game of caste is wrong n causes disunity n makes Allah sad they will agree. Just that remember Allah said in Surah 49:10 "believers are a single brotherhood" so please be a single unity n dont be divided into caste lineage based on ancestry with stories that u hv heard but never focused on taking a positive logical approach on them .

      Hope i have helped . 🙂

  2. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Reena.
    Im very sorry to hear what you are going through. The caste system is NOT from Islam. Allah swt does not judge a person on their skin colour or caste, rather He judges each person on their emaan and their deeds. So your parents are wrong if they are rejecting him soley on caste. Are your parents inclined towards deen? Is their rejection of this guy placed purely on caste or are there other precipitating reasons? Is he well mannered, does he pray, does he want to get closer to Islam.
    And he said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. "(Bukhari)

    "When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. " (Tirmidhi)

    If he is suitable for you, then I recommend you get someone of higher islamic knowledge involved who can help such as an Iman or his wife. Do you have any contacts at the masjid? Is there a relative who has knowledge that this is wrong, who would be willing to step in and help? It may be good for an Imaan to help convince the guys parents as well.
    Alternatively, if they continue refusing, you could marry without your parents consent if they are rejecting him for no sound reason, but this may cause you problems. Your parents may not forgive you. If you both decide on this, you would need a wali such as a family member or the Imaan.
    Please keep trying and do dua. Make tawbah if your relationship was not within Islamic guidelines. If you dont pray, you should both pray as this will make you stronger and more able to deal with whatever happens.
    Ask Allah to give you what is best for you and make you pleased with it. You could also do istakhaarah. It may be a good idea to seperate a bit from this guy while trying to convince parents, as if there is little chance of a future, it wont be quite as hard.
    You are perfectly entitled to marry someone out of caste, and dont have to obey parents in this situation. You have a right to choose who you marry. You are however, required to be good to them - so please continue doing this InshaAllah.
    I pray that Allah swt softens your parents hearts and helps you both through this difficult situation.
    I will pray for you InshaAllah sister Reena
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. salaam sisters

    my sitution is not getting any better there is no other reason apart from the caste, my brother had said to me in these words that i dont care even if this guy is diamond u still cant marry him. this guy is a diamond he has no bad habbits, he is a quran hafiz has a good job, respects his parents and was willing to do anything for me. my family re just ignoring me and talking about my rishta with someone else. i cat belive this is the same family that wanted my happniness and today when that time came to show that my happiness is what the really want instead the more worried about thier honour and relatives. sometimes i could deal with the situation but sometimes it feels like im going mad. i really dont want to leave home but family are not letting me get through this the right way. i have no one that i could involve that could help me or could make things easier for me. i pray to Allah to make things easier for me and for my family to see that hat they are doing is wrong. my whole family is against me at the moment i dont see the crime ive done. i had prayed to Allah sometime ago and prayed to Allah to sent the person who is made for me a few weeks later i meet this guy. i actually belived that he is my prayer that has been fulfilled. i need light in this situation because sometimes the pressure is too much to handle.

    reena...

  4. asalamualekum sister reena..
    well,, i was wondering that im the only girl facing this problem! 🙁 but i found u..
    listen sister my situation is also just like u but the difference is this that my parents (mom) has meet him his family and shes ready but my dad is creating the problem firstly we didnt know bout there caste we were thinking they are shaiks but after doin inquries we came to knw they are not but still he says we are shaiks wtever i jus told my paernts dat i cnt live without him if u look afert any other rishta u are allowed but own ur own risk ill nver marry anyone xceppt him..i told my mom that he is my choice and will be he loves from the core of hisheart and supporting me..he too said he'll not marry anyone xcept me..so now we r jus waitong for allahs miricle and i belive in him more than my parnts if allah will knw one can harm you i suggest u to do istakhara..and ask allahs guidence stop telling ur parents just ask watever u want from allah ..he will listen to ur prayers and will grant u wat u want..and be patience..really it will work and keep firm belif in allah that allah is listening you and will help u in in his way..pary 5 tyms a day offer tahajjud parayer..alwez ask allahs forgvness..
    nd be good to ur parnts..tc
    jazakallahukhair..
    may allah bless you and answers your prayers ameen..do rembr me also in your prayers

    and pls dont go on my spelling i was in a hurry.. 🙂 tc

  5. salaam

    great response by maria m. may Allah give me strength to achieve my journey of love.

    thnx

  6. Salaam

    Hi i am currently going through the same problem and i came across this forum i have known this guy for 6 yrs my family hav met him and know his from a good family and is a good guy and that he will keep me happy but are not allowing me to marry him due to caste difference. I come from a family where my sister married out of caste and so did my brother but now that it is my turn the only reason they are saying it is becuz they have heard from other people that thy are a low caste and yet on several occasions the boys family have spoke and proven to my family that they are not. I am very much hurt and upset as my whole family are against me jus becuz of his caste and keep saying to me if u want to marry him you have to leave home. I have tried to speak to my family on several occasions and explained that he is a good guy and i kno he will keep me happy and tht caste shudnt matter as caste does not come from islam. I love my mum so much and i wish she would understand but i also love this guy and kno will keep me happy and refuse to let go jus becuz of his caste. I feel so trapped and pray allah swt softens my familys heart. Im confused trapped and suffocated

    • Neelum, if you need some advice on your own situation then please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Salams Sister,
    What a small world.. I am going through the same problem but all we can do is just pray to ALLAH (SWT).. Trust me patience pays. Whatever Allah Taala does is His own best timing. I suggest u continue praying and asking from Him cos He is most merciful. I am being very patient and just doing duaa and praying, always be positive and think of it as this is your life, you can't let someone live your life. Sister you are not alone, you have us and most of all you have Allah Taala. Your parents will come around, just give them some time. They can't keep you at home your whole life but you have to be strong sister for yourself and the man you love. I am also in a position where I'm trapped, I haven't spoken to my mum or dad cos I'm scared of what their response would be. My dad always listens to his elder sis and she's the culprit here, she always calls me and says she'll never come to my wedding if I get married outside caste but she doesn't matter to me. I know my mum and dad love me, Alhamdulillah and just want my happiness. In sha Allah they will come around, all I need are just their blessings, which I will pray that i get.
    Sister please be patient, keep asking and Allah will give In sha Allah. My prayers are with all of us who are going through the same thing but we remain strong and patient and keep praying. Ameen all our prayers will be accepted.

    JazakAllah
    Samra

  8. Salam sisterReema,, I completely understand your problem.. My brotherly advice to you two is to get nikkah done (you dun need wali) and leave your parents. Life is short n when Allah has given u the right to marry of ur choice then Do as Allah commanded. We are not allowed to obay parents when there is a clash between Allahs authority and parents... Otherwise u both wil endup doing something haram..

  9. Assalamualaikum reena ji...
    Same situation is here..
    I m a qureshi and my lover Shazia is khan.. She is muslim, bt my dad neglect her...
    My story is also same as yours.. We both just chat via msgs and talk via phn, we never meet each other
    I love her very much n she also.. Every time she is cryng for me, bt i cn't do any thng for her...
    I also dont want to hurt my family..

  10. Same situation here. I am tired of explaining my family about this. I am in love with a guy and he love me too
    but what can be done when your parents are so rigid about caste. I am already 25 and eagar to marry him ,just cant live without him but at the same time dont wanna leave my family. I belong to syed and he is an ansari by
    caste. Familys of both of us are not ready to accept this .two of my sisters are married out of which one wap a love marriage but within our caste.i hv research a lot. Islam has nothing to do with caste. God help me. N all suffring like me

  11. Aslamualaikum everyone I'm also facing same problem I am sheikh and the girl I love is ansari and they dnt marry except ansari thts the problem from their side my family dnt follow this and they dnt have any problm our relationship is pure we work togethr at same company but we havent dated each other we dnt talk over the phone we both are namazi I belong to a well educated family its just tht we like each other and want to get married yeh sab kyun hain woh bhi islam me fir bhi log man rahe hain its pathetic

  12. Assalamualikum
    Same situation with me also. I don't know wat will happen now.I have faith in Allah and he never does the wrong with his ummaah.

  13. Hello everyone... I m going through the same problem, I love my class fellow and wanna marry her but she is from jutt family and i m rajput. we both are muslim but caste is most important in our illiterate society.

    • Hassan, how unfortunate. Islam came to eliminate such meaningless distinctions. It's sad to see Muslims imitating the Hindus, especially in the worst parts of their social system. If you can convince the parents to ignore these artificial distinctions then go ahead and marry. If not, then I'm not sure what you can do.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Try to convince them by explaining how the early Muslims reverted to Islam and married and caste and all these things were eradicated and had no place in Islam. If you continue to live your life by the rules and traditions that are not Islamic, your life will be miserable...whereas, if you follow through with what is Islamically allowed, yes, you may face some challenges that will impact your happiness, but at least you had a chance at happiness with the latter choice.

    • Aoa
      I think i have a solution that might seems impossible but it worth a try. I think everyone having this caste system problem should meet up at a platform like a social group or something like that and try to collect every thing in islam that shows that this is not islam and show it to the parents who is unwilling to go out of caste system is they still don't agree please ask them why they are Muslim they should convert to the religion that support their ideas so we should be clear about our parents whom they are following. Their ego is more important than happiness of their children and what is the grantee of their happiness if they agree waht their parents saying
      Give it a try and let me know i should try it or not

  14. Hello guys...
    M also facing this situation v badly..r we muslims yar?? That we
    R facing these odd situations..

  15. salam
    Reena...may Allah bless you..ameen..

  16. hes a quaran hafiz...but talks to you and texts you , even though your a non mehram? Maybe your parents have seen though him and are right

  17. Same is the case with me

  18. Aoa
    I think the increasing ratio of zinna is because of the ego of the parents who don't allow their children to have halal rishta "nikah" of their own choice. Parents should guide their children in the matter of the nikah not dictate them what is best for them. I think parents want to have they repay of their sacrifices in this world that's why they ask the sacrifice of the happiness they are the reason of the distrction of the society, young boys and girls are only worried about how they are going to convince their parents and how many years it will take. They should be thinking of their carrer and how to support their country and whats will be thier contributions towards their country but they are stuck. Kindly parents move on get ur self educated with islam and ur children too to make ur akhrat and dunia good. Ego is not important people are.

  19. this is really disgusting!!! just for the relatives who are least bother for you!! i am with the same problem. i am khan and he is ansari. his family is good and they are business man!! still just because of his caste!!
    how our parents can be so illogical? isnt better to die than to live with such opression and torture?

    Anyways!! what i believe is if Allah (swt) has made me for him, then no force on this earth can separate me from him!!
    i need your duas!! i dont want to be torn apart and broken!!

    May Allah help all of my brothers and sisters facing with the same problem!!

    Salaam

  20. Assalamualikum same here am Muslim he is Christian
    But he is accepting Islam ...but my parents not accepted
    But I believe my god they do miracle in my life ...

  21. Salam to all my brothers & sisters, i can understand your problem, everyone has the same problem , as much as i came to know about my islam, my islam doesn't stop us to get marry in diff. Caste, my islam is so exquisite , it has given right to marry to that person who has accepted islam or who is already muslim, there is nothing gonna do with any caste differences , our islam say if the person is muslim or a better person in all ways, has good qualities so you can get marry ,just tell your parents about ur choice nd it should be your parents goodness in their responsibilities that they should meet to that person to know about his islam ,behaviour, humanity , qualities thats all, so then they are allowed to fix their daughter's life with him , this is what my islam has taught us.....to break this obstacles m going to write a novel on these issues soon , hope it will work for all nd ppl will get or understand the truth by reading that novel, just please support me guys so that i can break this matter for forever from our life, we have to speak out only then the result will come out soon...lets say enough is enough now , lets give the right information to our elders ,thnx may allah help all of us....this is Nahid Ansari( i have just started my youtube channel by the name of( nanu Ansari)...plz visit there nd lets be together now ,i will let you know when my novel will be publish , Allah hafiz & all the very best

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