Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged for two years but she wants more than I can offer

Taqwa.

Taqwa.

I have been engaged for about two years with an amazing girl. We got engaged while we were both in school and we loved each other. We were so happy and our family got along well.

While we were engaged, I went to a standard university to finish up my bachelors while she ended up going to a more advanced top university. As our time is coming near our wedding she is scared, concerned, and in fear with what her future holds. This engagement has been very tough on her. My family does not give her the same respect or love that they showed in the beginning of our engagement.

Those problems are there and will continue to be there. Also we both have grown. i have matured, graduated, working full time and should be able to support a family. She has grown to be an amazing person and now she feels as if I have not met her expectations. She wants more in life and feels that I will only provide an average life. She also feels she can do a lot more in life.

We come from different backgrounds. We have had multiple issues with communication. At times we are not on the same page. When we had met each other and got engaged things were beautiful. We got along well. Worked things out. Never had any severe problems. Lately we are always arguing. I know friction will arise between a couple and at times things will be difficult. If that was the case I would continue to put all my efforts like I have been to make it better.

Recently, I feel if as she has changed, her feelings have changed, she is never happy with me or with what I do, and that she does not want to spend her future with me. I mean I understand we come from different backgrounds, I have not had all the opportunities that she has had, and I have not made the best decision in life either. I have always told her I will make things better. I will fix this, fix that. At times I have succeeded while at times I haven't. But I will continue to do my best.

I know that if I had met her today and asked her to marry me, she would not get attached to me or fall in love with me. So I know that she is still here because she is trying to make it work since we have been engaged for two years and because we had fallen in love. Also because she still loves me. But she is very unhappy with her life with me. I'm afraid if I keep trying and trying, and we end up getting married, will she be unhappy for the rest of her life? Or if we get a divorce later on because she can't do it any more. There are so many concerns that I have with this.

She feels like she doesn't deserve the disrespect and no love from my family as well as the basic life that I have to offer. She feels she deserves more. And I can agree, she is an amazing girl. she is well respected in her community. everyone loves her. And i can agree with her that I do not have a lot to offer. I'm an average man who is just getting back on track to start a beautiful life. I mean i know i'll do great things in life but only the future will show us that.

Should we continue to get married when one person does not want to get married? Or when one is unhappy? Or should I keep doing the best I can and let her decide on what she wants in life.

Please help a young brother out who is desperate to save his engagement and get married to an amazing girl who he dearly loves. Yet all he wants for her is to be happy.

- bryant_dez


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13 Responses »

  1. hello brother,

    I am really sorry to hear about your story ......
    First thing that strikingly appeared to me...is how you talk about yourself..."I am an average man...etc"....Allah created us all the same....we work hard....and He does the rest....

    All I want to tell you...that if you are working hard for everything in your life....you are more than just average...it's because you hope and you want to give hapiness and u seem to know of your responsibilities...which is just great....not an average man's thinking....

    I suggest..you sit and finally talk it out with her.....ask her..what she wants....tell her what you can offer....tell her there are no pressures...and any decisions made..will be mutual and u both will take full responsibility of it....and make an intelligent decision together....

    Im a girl....and you know what I find really sad....is that girls these days...want more and more from life..My parents are looking for someone for me...and you know...all I want is a sincere kind man...who is close to Allah....so He will help me in attaining jannah.......All my achievements ...are what Allah provided me with...I'm nothing without Him...I would settle for any good average man..who has the will to work hard, make it in life..and has the will to take care of his family...

    please be very STRAIGHT about this in your mind..a marriage is all about...two individuals getting together so that they can make life BETTER FOR EACH OTHER and HELP each other to strive for jannah....that's why you call your partner your "better HALF" ...She might be an amazing girl..I don't doubt that....but if she gives you the constant feeling that she could have ended up with a better future if she were with another man...then I really think...it is not a good idea to be together.

    Be with a girl...who tells you...I love you for who you are....we will make it from average to above average TOGETHER....
    As for ..how your family treats her...I feel....when you marry a man...you do not just marry him...you marry his family.....You got to accept the package the way it comes....if he is a good man...accept his family however they are....what is the guarantee...that marrying another man....would make her get perfect in-laws?? They may be even worse...who knows...atleast she knows your family...you rather be with a known devil than an unknown angel.......When you marry....you work years on a marriage...to get a family to finally like u (saying this from my mum's experience)....patience and love...spreads love.....

    Someone who constantly reminds you of what she deserves and what she does not....I really think it would be risky going on with this relationship...

    Im sorry if I sound rude....but no..I am concerned...I feel u and her want different things from life....Two people should enter marriage with optimism, hope and happiness...I see none of these in ur story...Don't go ahead with all of this with a heavy heart....

    Marry when your heart really truly feels happy
    I will pray for you... 🙂
    Hope i was helpful
    -Your Sister

    • Hey brother u canot get a better answer than what falak gave u. Majority of the girls of these era r only looking for husbands who has huge
      bank balance, high salary job, property, etc. If u thhink she is of that type i wonder y r u so worried abot her. Let her go
      and somebody who should luv for what u r and not for bank balance, high salary job, property, etc. If u marry her i am afraid she
      wil make feel a loser who cannot give his wife what she wants so y do u wanna spend ur life with such a woman find somebody
      who should make u feel great not a loser. i no it is easy to say but tough to do but u gotta make some tough calls in life to move forward.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    brotha all I can say is don't get married to her. in order for a marriage to work both parties has to put in 50/50 effort, otherwise its a high chance it will fail. you having problems.

    few things you mentioned really stuck put, i.e she is never happy with me or with what I do, and that she does not want to spend her future with me and She wants more in life and feels that I will only provide an average life. She also feels she can do a lot more in life.

    seems like you don't match her education level that's why she's no longer interested. sadly people who has the privilege to go to best university's tend to be arrogant and look down on people with lower education, income etc.

    its best to find a practicing muslim sister who will help you in this life and the hereafter and is not materialistic, who is happy with finer things in life.

    ma salama..

  3. My answer will consist on only one word, yet this answer is the best I could give and should answer all your questions: Istikhara. Salat Istikhara. We are mere humans and can't guide you but Allah (S.W) will.
    i wish you the best brother

  4. my dear young brother,

    sal;am,

    iam much older than you, so take my word as its coming from a big sister.

    you are not an average man........ if i ever find a man with sincerity like yours , i will never let go of him.

    if this girl does not want to get married to you , then no need to push things. you want to be valued by your life partner. i dont think you are being valued as you should be.

    i really wish you find a girl , who truly loves you and you love her too.

  5. salam brother,
    Isnt it unfair to the young woman who is well known and respected in her community for her fine qualities and achievements to marry some1 who's family does not show respect to her or interest in accepting her ? it is very natural for her to feel apprehensive about her future in ur family since she senses their disapproval and fears for her future in her marriage with u and to add to that she knows that she will have to compromise further as u will struggle to fix ur feet in a thriving career. by the manner in which u have described her, i see a picture of a woman who holds herself in high esteem and has a practical approach. Such a person will surely measure and weigh all the possibilities in her favour before she takes a big leap like this. u also seem to b an honest and ambitious person and u r intelligent enough 2 forsee the disaster that awaits if she is forced into marriage with u but you can sit down and sort it out to eliminate any possibility of a huge misunderstanding.

    Im glad u r not a selfish, immature lover with a myopic view however ur love and respect for her is too great to accept that its time to let go. However procrastination in this case will not prevent heartaches. I dont think you need an advice, you r just looking for opinions as in confirmations since i think you know already what you need to do.

    Nothing lasts forever in this world. people change, hearts change... The only thing that is constant is 'change' itself.
    Allah makes our plans, we only think we do.

    In the mean time i shall pray ; May you soar high and heal faster and find true love as you deserve.

    take care.

  6. Salam Brother,

    My first question to you is why? Why is your family not giving her the respect that was given to her from the beginning? No woman wants to enter into a marriage with a family who cannot give her the respect that she is due. Has she done something to earn their disrespect? That alone for any woman would have to be concerning. Any woman going into a marriage whereby the in laws don't have respect for her is a disaster waiting to happen.

    How is it that she feels you have not met her expectations? What does that mean? She wants more in life and feels that you will only provide an average life? Well brother...I am here to tell you that there are many woman who would love an average life. So...she feels she can do a lot more in life you say? So can you.

    Okay, so you have had problems, arguments and such...who doesn't? It's natural and healthy too. You say,
    "Recently, I feel if as she has changed, her feelings have changed, she is never happy with me or with what I do, and that she does not want to spend her future with me. I mean I understand we come from different backgrounds, I have not had all the opportunities that she has had, and I have not made the best decision in life either. I have always told her I will make things better. I will fix this, fix that. At times I have succeeded while at times I haven't. But I will continue to do my best."

    Sometimes our gut instincts are correct and what you are feeling may be right. Why not sit down with her and just open up and ask her to be honest with you. Two years is a long time, however it is not a lifetime. You need to ask her to be honest with you and tell you what her feelings are.

    You said, "I know that if I had met her today and asked her to marry me, she would not get attached to me or fall in love with me. So I know that she is still here because she is trying to make it work since we have been engaged for two years and because we had fallen in love. Also because she still loves me. But she is very unhappy with her life with me. I'm afraid if I keep trying and trying, and we end up getting married, will she be unhappy for the rest of her life? Or if we get a divorce later on because she can't do it any more. There are so many concerns that I have with this."

    First of all, please take a seat. I want you to stop making everything about her. What about you? Do you want to be married to a woman who you feel doesn't think you are worthy of her? It is one thing to want her to be happy however, you need to be happy too. You need to have the respect of a wife and never, ever feel as though you are not good enough for her. Never allow any woman to make you feel that way.

    You can only offer a basic life you say? If you are a good and kind man who will love his wife and give her all the respect and love you have, a basic life is a perfect life from where I sit. You say you don't have a lot to offer but I disagree. You may not have the material things of this world to offer her however, you seem to have a kind heart with thinking only of her happiness whilst forgetting your own.

    You say she is an amazing girl but it seems you feel you don't deserve her because you can't give her the things she wants. I think the two of you really need to sit down and talk and get things out in the open. She wants what you do not have and you fear that if you cannot provide her needs or the things she wants, that you are somehow not worthy...average as you say.

    You say, "Should we continue to get married when one person does not want to get married? Or when one is unhappy? Or should I keep doing the best I can and let her decide on what she wants in life."

    My answer to you is no. If both of you aren't certain about a future together, then do not marry her. If she is not happy, neither of you will be happy as she will blame you for not giving her the life she wants or has expected. Stop knocking yourself dead trying to please her. It is one thing to want to spend a life with her and be a good husband, it is another for you to go into this marriage already feeling as though you aren't good enough for her.

    You said,"Please help a young brother out who is desperate to save his engagement and get married to an amazing girl who he dearly loves. Yet all he wants for her is to be happy."

    I believe it is a wonderful thing for you to want to save your engagement however I am more concerned that you feel as though she is out of your league if you will. It concerns me as it will have an impact on your marriage at one point or another and you will be the one holding the short end of the straw.

    I strongly encourage you to sit down with this amazing girl whom you deeply love and want to spend your life with. You need to tell her to be honest with you and let her know that it is okay to do so. She needs to know that it will be okay to tell you her true feelings. You never know...what you think she is feeling may not even be the case. I will tell you that the mere fact that your family do not show her respect is not acceptable at all. That in and of itself may be a key issue to her hesitations for marrying you. No girl wants to go into a family where she is not respected, especially if her husband says nothing and stays quiet about it. Not cool.

    Only when the both of you can sit down and put everything out in the open will either of you truly know what the other is thinking. God willing you and this amazing girl can work through the issues at hand and move forward towards a wedding date. I will say a little prayer for the both of you tonight and I do hope things will work out for both of you.

    Salam

  7. First and foremost you have to ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you and for her. Perform the istikhara salah and see where it takes you. We can only give you advice but some people will say marry her, others will say break the engagement off and you will be left with confusion so only Allah can guide you to what is right for you. You may not like it, this may be one of the biggest test for you since you love her and you say she loves you but know in your heart that it is ultimately Allah who decides what He wants for you and He always gives us what is best for us.

    If you want my opinion and advice I would advise you to speak to her (in a halal manner with her guardian) and ask her if she really wants to get married to you. Marriage is a huge commitment. If she doesn't think she can handle these things now or she is struggling before she even gets married then what will change when she gets married? Will your family then accept and appreciate her? Be honest with her because this is one of the biggest decisions of your lives.

  8. I will say two things about this issue.

    Firstly,you have an inferiority complex.Just reading the paragraph tells me that you feel very low of yourself.Low self-esteem and low-confidence is not attractive.

    Secondly,you have elevated this woman to very high standard.Nobody in this world deserves anything.Only Allah decide what a person will get.

    If she doesn't want you then tell her to be open and honest and break the engagement.

    Good luck.

  9. Salaam Brother,
    I dont want to give you too much advice because I really am not sure, but I hope you know (and she realizes) your are a gem in our community of men. I mean really to see a man who loves and respects a woman so much, and is willing to admit his short-comings and work to make her happy is inspiring. Whoever you do marry, inshAllah when you are with your soulmate I believe inshALlah you will make her incredibly happy, and she will be lucky to have you.
    With your fiance now you need to have a real honest talk with her, you both need to sit down and think this out, because it may not be in your best interest this marriage. Also do istikarah prayers at night.
    Please dont marry her just because you feel like you cant bear to lose her or cant find better...you both really need to want this or down the road it will hurt much more if things unfortunatley do not work out.
    And if you two decide you are committed to moving forward the MOST important thing is have a sit down with your family, and demand...yes demand that they show her the love and respect she needs. Make sure she knows that your love for her is stronger then loyalties to people who cant respect your wishes in your life-choices.
    InshAllah I wish you the best.

  10. I think you shouldn't marry her because things will not get better they will get worse from reading your post. 2nd I really don't know what is wrong with your family not likening her like before that pushes girls away. I honestly dot wanna Mary a guy who's family dislike me is hard because that's going to be your new family. And 3rd if she really loves you she should love you for who you rally are not for how much money you have or what u can offer her more that is selfish of her. I'm a female and I would never ever marry a guy for money as long as he pray and respect me and my family that's all that's matter. So I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with her before you get married.

  11. If she's told you that she deserves more than you can give her then that's an indication that she clearly isn't happy with you. Sit down and speak to her, listen to her, find out what she wants, is it the same as what you want? Will you be able to provide her the life that she thinks she deserves and will you continue to be happy ? Or will it make you miserable always having to seek her approval?

    This is already bringing out insecurities in you.

    Make a decision.

    All the best.

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