Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Three years is too long for my mom

Calendar, time, days months years

How long?

I am a 22 year old girl who wants to get married to a muslim guy who is the same age. He is  a pious, practicing muslim with no bad habits, but he is telling me he needs at least 3 more years before he can marry me.

I am ready to wait because I love him a lot, and when I prayed istikhara the answer was yes.

But my mother is telling me she can't wait for 3 years. The other reasons she's giving me for rejecting him is that he is a bit fat and has a blunt nose. I tried explaining to her, but being from yesteryear's generation she is not willing to listen to me.

He loves me and I love him. What should I do now? Should I listen to my mother, or should I wait for him? Please somebody, give me a good answer.


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5 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    I suppose the first question that needs answering is "What does your wali think about this proposal?" - you mention your mother's opinion, but not his.

    If you and this man wish to marry, he is of good character and pious, and your wali approves, you could have a simple nikah now, to be halal for each other. If he needs time in order to establish himself in a career or to be able to find accommodation for you both, you wouldn't need to move in straight away - this could come when you are both feeling able to do so - and instead could spend the time getting to know each other and building a relationship, rather than simply waiting.

    Parents tend to want what is best for their children, but sometimes the generations have different ideas about what "the best" is. We are guided that we should look at a person's deen and character when considering a proposal; physical appearance changes as people go through life, so we shouldn't base our decisions solely on physical characteristics. Carrying a bit of extra weight or having a different shaped nose aren't reasons that have an Islamic basis, therefore it wouldn't be right to reject a proposal based solely on those things. Is there maybe something else your mother is concerned about - maybe ask her?

    If you and this man remain adamant that you wish to marry, and your wali does not agree, if you think that the refusal is based on un-Islamic reasons, you have the right to discuss the matter with an imam, who may be able to mediate and resolve the issue.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. Sister,

    If you were my daughter, I would not want you simply hanging around waiting for some guy to marry you in three years time on a promise. Promises are broken left and right. What happens if an amazing brother comes tomorrow to ask for your hand in marriage? Do you say no and gamble with the next three years of your life waiting on someone who may or may not marry you? What happens if two years from now this very same brother tells you that he has fallen for someone else? It happens...I have seen it. It is devastating. No matter what you decide, may Allah make things easy for you.


  3. sorry but hes playing you and other good men are waiting for you i agree with najah and ur mom 3 three is too long.

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