Upset by Fiance’s Personality Switch
Why has his personality changed?
Bismillallah Hi rahmanirahim….
Assalam-u-Allikum to all Sisters and Brothers out there….
Dear All, I had posted on post for parents delaying my marriage for years. I got your explanation about it to me and I am very thankful for it.
Now I have a second problem with my fiancé. Every time we talk to each other, instead of solving our issues we fight like animals. He is always coarse with me using harsh words that I can’t tolerate. I respond with the same words which makes him more angry and then he shouts at me.
He is constantly saying that his heart has become hard for me and now he is says things that I can’t understand or tolerate. I don’t understand how my coming to Gulf has changed him so much. When I was in his home country he loved me as no one had loved me before, but once I came here he changed a lot and I am at a loss as to what to do in this situation.
I am always trying to hide the situation and then if it goes on for too long I apologise even if I am not wrong. He will reject my apology, and then later he will be a bit OK and then later he'll get back to normal. He regularly tells me that he wants to marry a 2nd. Also we've been engaged now for 2 and a half years and I am suffering as a result because I have been engaged with him and now and whenever he acts like this it hurts me a lot. I have done so much for him, things that no one even does for their blood relation and yet he can’t understand me and he upsets me constantly.
He uses harsh words while I am talking to him and when I can’t do anything I burst into tears and he doesn’t seem to understand my feelings or appreciate anything that I have done for him and what I have been through for him.
Sometimes he compares me with others, like whenever he will see any actress on the TV or some models he will say to me “I want girls like this” and “I wish my wife could be like this”. These words really hurt me inside and I can’t say anything back.
I can criticize him if I want to , I can say that “I don’t like you” or I can curse him or make him feel ashamed , but I choose not to because I love him and I can’t say anything to him. After the fight he always tells me to never call again, but again I am stupid, and I call him because I really love him and I don’t understand why he is doing this to me.
I really seek you’re help in this matter sisters and brothers because this has become a daily routine now, and I want to change it I don’t want fights. I want my love life to be cool and smooth.
I am also bothered that he doesn't want me to work in an office as his father doesn’t want it and he curses me for this also. I am tired of his harsh words and his tantrums.
What should I do and what’s good for me?
Please help me.
With respect and duass..
Sister Noor.
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asalamu alaikum,
sis i suggest you leave him, cos if you not married and hes treating you like this what do you think gonna happen after marriage? you also mentioned he wants to marry 2nd? are you gonna be ok with that?
also you would have no say after marriage since the husband/family will be very controlling.
your life will be filled with misery. so leave while you got the chance.
ma salama
Salaam dear Sister,
You are trapped in a power struggle in your relationship which may have been triggered by your leaving the country. When faced with feelings of insecurity, many partners will behave badly to test their partner and make sure their loyalty is with them by treating them badly and then watching the reaction. This is an incredibly bad habit and you must teach your fiancé that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.
You must address the power balance in your relationship. From what you have told written in your problem it sounds like he does and says what he wants, and you run after him. You apologise when you have no need to, you call when you have been told not to, and you cry when he says painful things to you. He will increasingly lose respect for you if you go on like this. Not only will you lose him, but you will feel awful, lose your confidence and self esteem and question yourself and your worth. You must rebalance the relationship so that both partners are equally valuable and equally responsible for making it work.
In order to make him realise that he is responsible for his words simply respond as he wants you to. If he asks that you don’t call, don’t call. Just wait. If he says he wants to marry someone else, tell him that that is OK with you but ask him to confirm his plans with you as soon as possible so that you can move on and know where you stand. If you keep taking him seriously like this and begin to behave like an adult speaking to another adult, the nature of your relationship will also grow up and he will stop playing these power games with you. Remind him that you love him regularly and remind him also that you are not interested in power games at the same time.
This will be a painful process for you, because you are not used to it and in the beginning you will feel fear that you will lose him, or fear that you will push him away. You won’t. A man who wants to be with a woman will soon learn how he needs to behave in order to keep her love. Men respect women who have self respect and standards and no man wants to be married to a doormat who cries all of the time. So you are doing yourself a favour by standing up for yourself. Do it calmly, do not lose your temper, do not let him see you cry.
You will feel at times like you are going crazy, but sister, you cannot go on this way and achieve the relationship you want without making some changes to your way of being.
If you do not set these boundaries and ways of being he will treat you like a doormat and you will have a future of being pushed around and spoken to badly. The next time he tells you not to call, don’t call. When he rings you after a few days and asks why you did not call, explain that this is what he asked of you and this is why you did not call. When he gets angry about this, explain that you will not be bullied into taking responsibility for his words and that he has to take responsibility for his words and do not enter into a fight with him.
He is likely to tantrum and try different methods to try and make you run after him, however if you hold your ground he will change his actions towards you and increase in respect for you. If he doesn’t change and instead breaks off the whole thing (which I don’t think will happen in this case), then give voluntary Salat and thank Allah for saving you from being married to a man who seeks only to overpower you.
Peace,
L