Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What should I do about my abusive husband?


Assalam WA  Alaikum

I have been married for almost 13 years. For the last 10 years I have been supporting myself and my 3 children. My husband is very non-consistent in his work and cant do anything for long. In short the contribution of him towards supporting me and the children is non-existent, instead I am supporting him one way or the other.

He is abusive verbally and physically. When I was living with him in his home city, it was a routine for him to bad-mouth or physically abuse me. Everytime he did that, and when I threatened to leave him, he became all soft and then to the point of crying to hold me from my decision. He has uttered the word divorce many time during that period, something like "be ready for divorce".

He courted me before marriage and he was abusive then too. My mistake was that I thought he would get better after marriage, and I was so wrong. I took care of his parents and him when I was living with him, and I left for another city just for the reason to support us and our children cuz he was not making anything. I got rid of the physical abuse but his verbal abuse continued on phone and then again the same babbling and crying.

For the sake of my children I had decided I will take it all if there is no physical abuse. But then it has happened again, since he been now living with me in my home which I made after so much struggle. Here also he is doing nothing and I'm working all day, coming home , cooking , cleaning, taking care of the children and him so he doesnt have any complaints. But the verbal abuse had continued and now physical abuse again.

I don't know what to do. I cite reasons to myself for not leaving him that children need a father figure. But inside I know... he will never change. I'm so tired, I have done everything I could, I can't describe everything here how I have slaved for him. But despite all that he hit me again. And I would like to make it clear that it wasn't on a serious kinda issue Allah forbid. Just his need to control.

13 years of abuse. Need advice, please?



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4 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    13 years of abuse? i really don't understand why you putting up with all this. sister don't suffer in silence and never tolerate it. that's why he is taking advantage of you, don't you see? the husband should be providing for you not the other way around. sister how could you possibly think someone who doesn't work, abuses you, verbally and physically be a father figure to your children? the only thing your children will learn is his filthy nature. if your children witnessing the abuse then they will learn and think its ok to treat people like that. is that what you want? break the cycle. for you and your children's sake.

    no man should ever lay hand on his women, well any women for that matter. don't be his punching bag. report him, tell your family on what is happening. i cant stress this enough, i keep seeing, reading about sister's keep getting a beat down and they doing nothing to improve the situation, just suffering in silence.

    get your family involved and if the situation doesn't improve i think its best to go your separate ways.

    ma salama..

  2. You have two options, really:

    1. Stay with him for another 13, 26, 39, 52, 65 years.
    2. Leave your abuser.

    My personal opinion one should tolerate abuse from their spouse. It doesn't matter for how long you HAVE been tolerating abuse, it's never too late to put your foot down and stop tolerating it.

  3. Salaams,

    I tolerated an abusive relationship for 11 years. Even after leaving, it was still a sticky process completely extricating myself from my abuser's life. Like you, he had become completely financially (and emotionally) dependent on me. It wasn't that easy for him to simply let me go just because I was trying to leave.

    I left once and for all (there were several previous attempts on my part which failed for various reasons) because I had a daughter after three sons. I could not live with myself to think that my daughter would be learning directly from me how to be a woman ie: how to take abuse and manipulation from a man. She would grow up thinking the unpredictability in the home was normal. She would think that it's ok for someone to hurt you in word or deed as long as they say they're sorry. She would believe it's ok to take care of men instead of being taken care of by them.

    Now that I am single again, I have to deal with the effect it had on my sons. The youngest of the three struggles with anger, violence, and PTSD himself. I regret that I stayed with him after the first incident of abuse EVERY day. But I am comforted by the fact that I did leave, that I didn't stay longer and make my daughter grow up like that.

    That's what should happen "for the sake of the children". Having a 'father figure' is not enough. What kind of father he is matters tremendously. Indeed, it's the only thing that matters.

    -Amy Editor

  4. I hope by now u are safe and away from him I stayed 14 years and have 9 children with him we are safe but he's still in there life in their heads even though he hasn't seen them in a year it was he's choice I won soul custody because of the Abuse me and my kids suffered and what I would tell u even 1 min is to long ur kids suffer more then u now and even after u leave my children suffer so bad that there on meds and some of them hurt there self to take away the pain inside you will have a long and tuff fight ahead of u but for the children sake please give them a chance to have a normal life and not keep repeating the cycle of life u are teaching them May Allah keep them safe and good luck

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