Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What should my next step be?

lonely woman

Assalaamu Alaiykum,

I am a 26 year old woman and am a practicing Muslim, however do not cover my head but wear modest clothing etc.

I live in a close-nit family whom I used to adore. I am currently living with my parents,  grandmothers from both parents (mothers of father and mother who are sisters) elder brother, younger sister and younger brother. We live very close to our 2 uncles and aunt's family (the other 3 children of my grandmother from fathers side). Our family is very close we do everything together and I've loved growing up with them all close by and all my cousins close by too.

As I've grown older I've grown apart from them as I have seen my grandmother and aunt's possessive and controlling side. They love controlling every situation and if they are not controlling then they will cause arguments and lash out to the point where you seem disrespectful and dishonest. I always stay respectful of my elders no matter what the situation and I am the only one of my siblings who is like this. My other siblings tend to show their strong side often and nobody feels the need to push them about.

All my life I have lived in silence and always did what my parents had said, I would follow the rules of girls not allowed to go out, not visit friends often not attend birthday parties etc. I'm not a girl who would like to go out clubbing but I would like to go out for a meal with my friends which I was barely allowed to do. I would go to school, mosque and home and at weekend spend time at home or with the family out. I even listened to my parents as much as to what college subjects to choose and uni subjects to choose and where to work and who to work for. Even a breakdown of how much I earn and where my money goes was asked by my parents and I was asked to pay to my father. Even after knowing my monthly income more than half of it was asked as rent and with quite a bit going out other places I wasn't left with anything to save. I was always pushed in one direction away from what my passion was and when I didn't get in they asked me why I didn't apply to what I wanted. It was always the blame game with me. Because I didn't speak up and did what I was told I was always told to do everything whereas my other siblings were always free to go out and enjoy what they wanted to do, subjects to choose, where to work or not work, spend their money where ever etc and whenever I bought it up I would be told because I am soft I need to be told what to do and they are tough they know what they can do.

Since I was 13 I have been living with a medical condition which has got worse and worse over time. At first it wasn't so bad but as it is linked to women's problems it was a subject we couldn't discuss with family so I just had to grin and bare it. After a few years of fainting from the pain and being admitted into hospital my family finally acknowledged that something may actually be wrong with me. We did numerous tests and different medications to no help. Finally we went private and found out the cause and the actual diagnosis, it was something I would have to learn to live with as no matter what they do it will always come back. I have had 4 operations for this and have strained myself mentally and physically.

Over time i was pushed to accept certain  rishtas too but I did refuse many and stayed strong. With my medical condition recently I was told that it will become very difficult for me to conceive. I know we shouldn't listen to what doctors say and our future is in Allahs hands but it still makes you think of the future and how this can be quite difficult when looking at potential partners. Lying is not an option, I refuse to hurt someone when I already know this. Not knowing and finding out later in the a marriage is one thing but knowing and deceiving someone is another thing.

My family believe marrying someone will solve all of these problems, it's like they want to just get me married and let my partner deal with me so they don't need to. My family have all got involved and everyone seems to be cornering me and pushing me to select random people. It's become quite draining and stressful as this problem is causing me so much pain, draining me mentally and physically and then family acting in this way. As a result I go to work, come home and spend time by myself in my room, I do not wish to sit with my family anymore and hanging around with my uncles and aunts families with all my cousins doesn't really appeal to me anymore I just want to be left alone.

My brother is due to get married and I have had many conversations with the girl and her family and lots of questions of why I am not married yet and when I am due to get married, they see me as a threat I do not know why and they wish for me to be married before or very quickly after my brothers marriage.

This stress is getting to me and I have spoken to my parents and I have asked for them to let me move out and live by myself. I will rent a flat somewhere, work and pay my way but I will not be a burden on my family. They don't need to force me to get married off and constant questions of when will I get married by my brothers in laws will not be asked as much if I'm not around. My family are already constantly on my case to get married anyway, so I stay in my room 90% of the time I'm at home anyway so why should it be a huge problem if I was out by myself.

My grandmother, aunt and many other members of my family see me as a very bad person and feel I'm trying to hurt my family and most are not even speaking to me anymore because of this.

I'm not sure what other decisions or steps that I can take. I read and I pray all the time, I'm not in the actual mindset to get married at this particular time and believe I need to get better and accept these problems before going into it.

Can someone please tell what they would you do in my place? And if it is wise for me to take the step and move out?

Jazak Allah


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6 Responses »

  1. its very sad to know you have been controlled through out your life. i also live in a place where my sister control my other sisters and my life and we are still unmarried. i know how it feels to live like a slave and you cant do what you like to do.
    the solution to your problem is to tell the person you select that you have this problem if he accepts then go for marriage instead of living and hoping tht one day it will be alright, it will never be alright.

    • But until I find someone willing to marry me it's hard living with everything going on around me. I feel I need to move out and be away from it all

  2. Dear z
    Please dont waste urself by just sitting in a room. Please interact with parents and try to be friendly with your mother. Your Mother can be your greatest strength. trust me give it a try, i am promising you alot of of your problems can be solved by just interacting with ur parents especially mother. Plus Marriage is Sunah and everything wat doctors say is not necessarily to be followed.

    Please Z leave ur room, cell phone, laptop everything and interact with your parents. Make tea for them, do their work, watch news with ur father only then they can understand you and correct you where you are wrong and you can communicate with them they will understand more abt your issues but first take them into confidence.
    P.S : Do follow my advice i guarantee you the SUCCESS.

  3. I personally think you should moveout into your own apartment, you are 26 you are old enough to do what you want and therefore do not need your parents or anyone else's permission to re-locate yourself. Your family should stop pressuring you to get married! 26 is not too old for marriage!

    *On a side note : I think the only way we can give you the kind of advice you are looking for is if you 1st and foremost: state what that "girly problem that you have is" i.e IF u don't mind stating the problem (that you have). Besides we don't know you, nobody knows who you are or what you look like or where you live, so telling us may be of great benefits to you. So that we can analyze how to go about advicing you.

    • @ Sade
      Moving out conversation leads to what will people around us think what will "others" think! It drives me crazy. The "girly" problem that I have is endometriosis, it's a problem that will keep coming back no matter how many operations I have to clean it out of my system. It's quite severe and blocking areas like Fallopian tubes, it's around a lot of my organs too 🙁 and since the recent operation has come back quicker than expected.

    • @ careermuslima
      For many many many many years I have done just that. I have spent numerous hours with my parents enjoying what they do best, helping out, enjoying each other's company but any appointments and conversations regarding my problems they are not ready to accept what is happening they just don't hear what I'm going through like they don't want to know and just want to believe everything is going fine it upset me that they don't understand or want to understand what I'm going through. Now I find peace with not discussing any of it as I just go to appointments deal with it myself.

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