What to do about his infidelity?
Asalam,
I've been married for 12 years now. In the 11th year I learned my husband has been cheating on me as from since our 9th year of marriage with his staff- a characterless girl. He admitted in front of his family, my family and the girl's family that he doesn't get along with me- though I ve been a good wife to him. The girl and my husband told big lies to me and everyone.
My husband knows that she is a bad girl- smoking, drinking alcohol, having sex with other men...but still he says he will never love me like he has 'loved' the other girl. He is not frank with me when I ask him if he has ended the relationship with the girl. He only get annoyed that I question him. But the girl's ex fiancé texted me each time he saw them together. Well, I asked the ex fiancé to let me know if he sees them together as this is the only means for me to know the truth, as I dont have the courage to see them in front of me. But I am not 100% sure about that.
The main problem is that my husband avoids me. He is not interested in having a sexual relationship with me since December 2013, but he did it once in march 2014. He told the girl everything about it, as if he had betrayed his mistress with me-his wife!!! Since then nothing. I do my best to please him, but to no avail.
He said he doesn't regret having cheated on me. He still doesn't show he regrets, nor does something to prove to me that he loves me. He comes home late from work and goes out every night without giving me any explanation. But he cares for me (financially), and he really loves our 7 year old son.
I just want advice from you. I've been struggling to arrange things between us since I've learned he has been cheating on me, but in vain. He is not interested in having a conversation to bring us to a decision, as he is sneaky. I am feeling lost. Thank you for your reply.
-Wazifa
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Why are you still with him?
You need to tell him to go marry his lover and divorce you. He clearly doesn't care. Let him move out while he financially supports you.
Is this the kind of father you want in his sons life? Kids are very observant about what's going on abd they are learning. Don't let your son see this behaviour and be influenced by it. This is not how a proper father and husband behaves.
You let him walk all over you, it's time you let him go.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, I think you have to stand up for yourself and your own rights here - you deserve better than this. This guy hasn't shown any sign of remorse for what he's done and what he's continuing to do. He isn't respecting your Islamic rights, and has made it pretty clear that he isn't interested in changing his ways.
This isn't a healthy environment for you or your son to be in. He says that he loves your son - then why is he spending all his free time doing haram and disrespecting the mother of his son, rather than helping show your son how to grow up to be a Muslim man of good character? I think his priorities aren't what they really should be.
Your husband has had lots of chances to try to put things right. He could have stayed faithful to you. He could have apologised for his infidelity and tried to repair the damage he caused. He could have proposed that this other woman become his second wife, and spent his time and efforts equally between the two of you. He could have suggested that the two of you separate if there is no love between you anymore. He didn't do any of these. I'm sorry, but I don't think he's likely to change and start trying to fix things now.
My honest advice would be that you should discuss this situation with your wali, and with a lawyer, and consider whether you want to initiate divorce proceedings and apply for custody rights for your son. Your husband would still be in your life, as the father of your son, but you would be free to find happiness and respect. Before making any big decision, though, do istikhara - trust that Allah will guide you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Walaikumas-salaam, dear sister in Islam,
It is a huge sin in our beautiful religion to commit adultery, and since you have claimed that he admitted this in front of so many people, why are you not leaving him yet, and why isn't anybody doing anything about this? I understand that you might be feeling scared that by leaving him you will not be taken care of and your son will lack a proper father/father figure. However, it is said EXPICITLY in the Holy Qur'an:
[Noor 24:3] "Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden" (this is an English translation, I know for a fact the Arabic verse is clearer and more detailed, SubhanaAllah).
Nonetheless, Sister, you cannot continue in your marriage to him, unless he sincerely repents and probably goes to Hajj or something! Based on what you have shared with us, you DO NOT deserve this, and yes, Allah SWT does not cause a soul to bear something it can't handle, but this is haram dear sis...Islam protects marriage and women. Allah Most High said in Surah 58: The woman who pleads "God has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with you concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to God: and God (always) hears the arguments between both sides of you for God hears and sees (all things)"-verse 1.
Pray to Allah SWT, do istikhara, and if Allah azawajal wills, leave this man whom He has cursed and caused to increase in sin. Your role is a mother first, now. And never fear for your future and for provision, because Allah SWT said that he provided for all things: in surah 65: The divorce, verse 3, Allah SWT said "and he provides for him from (sources) he could never imagine. And if any one puts his trust in God, sufficient is (God) for him. For God will surely accomplish His purpose: verily, for all things has God appointed a due proportion". I think it is time you stood up to this man, and claimed your rights as a believing woman. Get a divorce, and part amicably: say lakum deenakum waliyadeen!
Dear sister, this is the advice I give you, although I am not a married myself (I am a Muslim man who just turned 20). And Allah knows best!
Salam
I do not think the islamicanswers.com editors should use pictures of woman in no hijab as it would be in view of males which they are prohibited to look at ,thank you.
Dear sister, I understand your pain. I agree with the above advice. I know how difficult it can be to leave a marriage, especially if you love your husband. However in your case your husband has openly admitted to zina and has continued to commit this sin openly ! He has no shame, and it seems he feels no remorse for his actions. What was the families reaction, especially his parents ? Have they tried to knock some sense into him or are they letting him do whatever he likes and expecting you to deal with it? He has no respect for you sister, and your letting him get away with it. If you really want your marriage to work then talk to him and see if he is willing to change and make an effort for you and the marriage. Will he stop communicating with the mistress? Ask him how you can help him stop. If he is uncooperative, then if I was in your shoes I would probably separate and stop contact with him and see what he does. If he doesn't care and continues with the other woman then my advice would be to divorce him and move on InshaAllah, as hard as that might be. Anyway that's my advice but only you know your situation. Do istikhara and seek advice from your family as well. May Allah swt make things easy for you and may He guide your husband and bring him back to the right path and fill his heart with immense love and respect for you, ameen.
Salaam Sister. I empathize completely. I am in an almost identical situation but without the child to worry about. My husband goes away for weeks at a time, he has another house somewhere in town and has started hitting me. I am biding my time until I can get a flat and run away. My advice: protect yourself from harm and leave when it's safe to do so. He has shown the world what kind of man he is - you don't need him.