Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband treats me like I don’t exist

. . ." (Qur’an 30:21) "]marriage islam %photo

"And among His(swt) Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts

 

Salaams,

I love my husband and he says he loves me, but he treats me like I don't exist in his life.  When he is at work he hardly communicates with me, when we are at home he does not give me the time.

Prior to this I left home for a week and came back and ever since I came back home, he has shown me no love but tells me he loves me.  Although we share the same bed, he does not like holding me or being intimate with me.

He deletes his messages from his phone, even deletes my name of his phone, he sends other woman sms's and then denies it and tells me that I am the only woman in his life.

I'm very depressed and starting to lose hope in my marriage,  we have been married for 6years now and share a beautiful daughter.  I really want my marriage to work and don't want it to fall apart.  At least if my husband was showing me signs of saving our marriage I would have hope.  No signs from my husband, the only thing he tells me is that he loves me.

I can't handle my situation and really break down, how do I best save my marriage.

Thank you.

- Zharina


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Unfortunately not all men are romantic or atleast romantic with their wives (because they may choose to do so). The same men have a different behavior with other women.

    So if you are sure that your husband is texting other women (flirting) and deleting texts, you may speak to him and tell him that you are not happy with this and this marriage is getting affected because of this actions. Speak to him that you would like if he is romantic and expressive of love feelings with you. Tell him that you are loyal to him and love him a lot and want the same in return of it. Tell him that you both have a beautiful young daughter and do not want any activity from each other which disturbs the atmosphere at home and the daughter is affected by it.

    Do some good talking, kindly, try to love him and make him "fall" for you, I know some guys still do not become "soft". So you may try to solve this in between yourselves by ways you think are good. If this does not work, you may think of involving someone responsible from both families. Get to a talk, try to come on a common point with the help of arbiters.

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah An Nisaa.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
    - Surah An Nisaa.

    Try to make peace, first try hard from your side, do not be a "complaining" wife, some men know they are wrong and still do not want their wife to complain. Here I would like to say you may be 100% right, but it would be good if you can give him some psychological treatment, try and continue to love him, act normally, as if all things are normal, just see if he shows some positive signs.

    A man may be talking to other women because there is the "adventure" of "luring" the other involved and same with women. Shaytaan whispers and they "tempt" one another.

    Try to communicate more at home. After dinner and before going to sleep or in some other time when you both are together, keep reading the Qur'an with meanings for some minutes daily. Insha Allah it will show him the mirror and his faults and he may turn to Allah and loyalty to you if his heart softens with the fear of Allah.

    Think what is good, if you enjoy marriage continue, if you do not, there is no force upon you, Islam has all options open. Do not keep suffering when you can move out of it and do not let injustice happen to yourself or to others around you. Be firm in purpose, in whatsoever you do and remain patient, it helps a lot.

    17. O my dear son! Establish worship and enjoin kindness and forbid iniquity, and persevere whatever may befall thee. Lo! that is of the steadfast heart of things. - Surah Luqmaan.

    Hope this Insha Allah helps.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  2. Zharina, As-salamu alaykum,

    Speak honestly and directly to your husband. Tell him that his behavior (with the phone) is unacceptable and makes you suspicious. Also tell him that you feel your marriage is not working as it is, you need more attention and affection than you are getting.

    I strongly suggest that you and your husband should see a marriage counselor. The counselor will help you both to communicate in a non-threatening way, and may be able to guide you to a healthy way of relating to each other and loving each other.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. sister im just wondering why it is that you left home for a week, and was it with the blessing of you husband or did you just leave at you own will, second was you husband distant like this when you first got married or was this some thing that started recently because middle aged men have a tendency to have a mid life crisis, mean that he may feel like he could have gotten more out of life then he has this usual occurs with people who have a job there happy with or life at home, try to remember the last time you say your husband been intimate with you and when it stopped, did he just come home one day or was it some thing the developed through several year because if that's the case, my dear sister its very likely that your husband has something on the side, understand that these are all speculations and you cant just accuse him of any thing with out been too sure the best thing to do is talk and see if you can understand what it is that has him zoned out, perhaps get family involved as it was previously stated, personal im not fond as im a very privet person and do not enjoy having details of my life in the minds of other family members, and it is possible that maybe inevitable seeing that you have put much thought into this already, and seem to be at the top of you thresh hold, have patience dear sister

    please answer feel free to answer our questions so we can gain a better understanding of your situation and we can give you complete opinion

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