I want to marry him soon. Can I?
Assalamu alikum.
I am in love with a man who wishes to marry me but he is married now. I'm single.
2 years back we had a relationship and it was broken for some family issues [he iz muslim too]. After that he got married to a another girl.
Then and there we had a chat to know about our current situation. Loving each other so much. He is not much satisfied about his wife. He has got some problems with her. He is not happy with his married life.
At last chat we decided to meet one day and talk about our lives. That time while talking, devil came to us... had intercourse without knowing us we pass the limits.
He likes to marry me but he doesn't know the way how to marry. He is thinking what to do for his wife and their family.
I'm worrying about myself because I did a big sin. Still asking forgiveness from Allah.
Please help me with comments. Do I need to marry him? What about other girl's life? I'm going to spoil another girl's life?
May allah bless you.
RHSN
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If you are serious in marrying him you CAN.You know you did wrong and so does he.
Islamically you can be his second wife. Ask him to bring your hand in marriage if that is what you both want.
Repent for your mistakes. Do not let this man use you at any circumstances.
Assalam alaikum,
If a woman is really going to consider entering a polygamous relationship, knowing that the man's first marriage is failing would the perfect reason to NOT proceed. Why on earth would you want to marry someone who flees when the going gets rough?
I suggest that you stay away from this man and stop relying on your emotions and hormones to make decisions--and he shouldn't be meeting you and then discussing his personal life with his wife with you--how humiliating! I hope it occurs to you that he could very well repeat this with you again.
I hope that as a woman you can appreciate the daunting task of balancing two wives--if a man really wants to marry a second time, he should do so through halal channels and not be in search of a band-aid marriage. Please leave this man and his wife alone--he has a marriage to work on.
May Allah ease your difficulty, Ameen.
Firstly i appreciate your honesty and feeling of realization of your mistake..That shows that Allah has guided you and blessed you to rethink over your actions..otherwise you might have gone astray.
I am a married man and been married for over 10 years, let me advice you genuinely marrying this man you love is not at all a wrong option. Thats the islamic way and shariah has given the man to marry 4 wives as long as he can be fair to all.
As long as first wife / kids are concerned, the man should look after them well even before he marries you and after marrying you.
My reason for supporting you to marry the man you love is that , we are all humans. We love someone and we will meet him / her and chances of committing haram zina is always there. Why not to go for easy hilal way.
Well thats a commitment and level of honesty a man has to demostrate towards both his wives after marrying in all aspects time, wealth, responsbilities...If you fear Allah and that man also fear Allah and ask forgiveness and get married. Allah is Raheem and Kareim..Allah will inshallah forgive you ..
Marrying a second wife is a sunnah of almost every Sahabi...at that time Prophet Mohammad PBUH never stopped marrying a second wife..
Go the hilal way and fear Allah.
Allah bless you always ..Man makes mistakes and Allah forgives.
If you really want to encourage polygamy, how about encouraging women to only accept proposals from men who approach their walis in a non-secretive way? How about encouraging women to only consider polygamy with a man who is invested in a successful prior marriage rather than looking for a patch-up escapism marriage? No wonder polygamy gets a bad name, we use it to solve these affairs outside of marriage. If a married woman had done the same, we would be telling her she is absolutely wrong and to make tauba and leave this haram relationship--why is it different for a married man to engage in a relationship outside of marriage? Of course, men are allowed upto 4 wives, but that doesn't constitute having a maximum of 3 affairs outside their first marriage but no more because they can't have more than 4 wives--that is the logic I hear from your argument.
And if you still don't agree with that, what advice would you offer if a man was already married to 4 women but involved with a 5th woman outside of marriage?
The OP has written:
"He has got some problems with her. He is not happy with his married life."
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised that this man is telling this girl all these things in order to become intimate with her because if he told her that he has a successful loving relationship with his wife and would never ever hurt her or leave her, she would think twice. This is a tactic used by this man to gain sympathy from her and it worked.
She then writes:
"At last chat we decided to meet one day and talk about our lives. That time while talking, devil came to us... had intercourse without knowing us we pass the limits."
You have written:
"Well thats a commitment and level of honesty a man has to demostrate towards both his wives after marrying in all aspects time, wealth, responsbilities."
And I agree. But this man isn't being honest and he isn't demonstrating the same level of commitment to both his first wife and to the OP when one doesn't know about the other! And, he is disclosing personal details about his first wife to a woman who has no relation to him. Is this the best candidate of a man who should be practicing polygamy? I wish more women would wake up and rather than complaining about polygamy, start to turn down these kind of offers behind closed doors.
Finally, if someone offered you a free piece of land to build a house in a war zone rampant with gun fire and bombs, I doubt you would take the opportunity and would probably consider the offer ludicrous. Similary, entering into a polygamous relationship in which husband and wife are facing troubles (as the husband claims) isn't exactly the best marriage opportunity.
Engineer: My reason for supporting you to marry the man you love is that , we are all humans. We love someone and we will meet him / her and chances of committing haram zina is always there. Why not to go for easy hilal way.
How can you meet some one and fall in love if you follow Islamic guidelines? The thing you call love is LUST based on physical attraction. If a woman is not allowed to interact with a non-Mehram, how can she fall in love with some one.
Let me tell you ..dont feel a sense of guilty for marrying a married man..You are not marrying with intention to spoil his house and family..you are going to add to his family and love inshallah.
Polygamy is something we discourage in our soceity but we allow and accept haram..
Please be clear about it...that you want to proceed in a islamic way ..no matter what society says..
Fear Allah and not the society..Society will always be having their concern..
Pray daily 5 times,,reciet quran ..ask forgiveness...and Just make a commitment to marry the man and inshallah Allah will guide both of you in the righteous way
May Allah guide us all..Ameen
The first wife has a right to know the truth. Many women try to spoil other women's marriages. Of course the husband is lying and dishonest with his first wife. The first wife has a right to say she wants out if she can not live with other wives. Where is the first wife's rights in all this? The first right has a right to opt out of this situation for her well being and the wellbeing of her children as well. This women and this husband sound like they deserve each other. Sisters should think of other sister's feelings and be true sister's to one another and not participate in dishonesty and hurting each other.
Fearing Allah should also mean being honest. That is what it teaches in the Quran. Honesty and being sincere is mentioned in this religion many times. Where was your fear in your helping this man to be dishonest and and hurt his wife. The first wife's rights are important as well. Being dishonest is a big sin in Islam. What is upsetting is that many here seem to not even think of the first wife's rights,almost like she has to put up with this. This is wrong. She needs to know the truth ,so she can choose what is best for herself and her children and whether she wants to stay married to a man who cheated on her and witheld the truth. She deserves so much better then this!
@ Engineer, I am so disagree with what you have suggested. The man has no integrity and he should not use marrying a second wife as a way to wipe away his sin - adultery. He does not exhibit any good character as a man and he may also has a high chance of doing it again with another woman. Thus marry a third one??
Sister Saba post has pointed out why polygamy gets a bad name because of people like this man using it as to "solve" or "cover" his adultery act. He should have make a proper propose to her before engaging sex, right?
@RHSN, for your questions:
1. No, you are not oblige to marry this man just because you have sex with him. First thing in your mind should be repentance to Allah. You need to repent of what you did and do not turn back to your sin. Cut off any contact with him. Do not give yourself an excuse or justify to continue to have sex with him because you are planning to marry him. You are reversing the order!
2. The other girl's life, seriously? If you are sincerely concern about her, you won't have contacted a married man in the first place. Yes, you are ruining this girl's life. YOU are ruining her life. Yes you are tempted by your lust but not love.
Also, it is very normal that marriage life has up and down, what he told you about his wife is very normal and it does not indicate he no longer should be with this woman. Have you ever thought of the fact that he just want sex and excitement outside marriage? What you are doing is very selfish and you are trying to squeeze yourself in between this marriage and justify by willing to be a second wife. This is not the meaning of marry 4. He uses you for sex!!!! What do you mean by he does not know how to marry you? He is playing you in the name of religion. Ask yourself honestly if you will regard what both of you doing are noble / responsible / fair to his wife? Wake up and leave him.
I think Sister Saba has given some very good pointer, now it is up to you to decide what you should do.
Maybe the best thing you can do for the other girl is to be honest with her and tell her of your relationshşp with her husband. Sometimes when a husband is cheating on his wife she does not know what is going on and feels a lot of confusion. The best thing you could do would be to tell her the truth so she can decide to divorce her husband if she wants to and find a better life then with her dishonest husband. A lot of times men just like to play with their wives and other women. It is sad these days,unislamic and disrespectful to the first wife. Give her her the respect and honesty she deserves and tell her the truth. This may free her from her cheating husband as well. No woman is forced to stay with a husband who cheats on them and lies and then takes a second wife. The dishonesty is what is awful and every wife deserves honesty and respect otherwise this is oppression and Islam does not allow oppression.
You mean OP should go to his lover's wife and tell her " I am having sex with your husband and if you leave I will marry him."
The other wife has a right to know the truth. It is a form of emotional abuse when a husband is with another woman and cheats on her. She has a right to divorce this man and then this woman can be his only wife. His first wife deserves respect and to know the truth and deserves the choice to divorce him.
Her husband is of low character to cheat on his first wife. She deserves better. Why do Muslim women accept such a abuse and lies?
Sister Saba and others.. thanks for your response.
I mean to correct the situation...please polygamy is not a bad thing.polygamy is a sunnah of all or most of Sahaba..companions of Prophet Mohammad..PBUH..if a man repents and takes his 1st wife in confidence and agrees to marry to this lady thats fine.
Please i also tell all the women that you we accept islam every part of it..but when it comes to polygamy even the most sincere husband with absolute integrity wife wont allow to marry another women..Why is that...
Thats the reason in our society today we have more zina (adultery) than hilal way ..
Thats the reason a divrocee women could not get a man to marry..
Sisters lets be honest to yourself..lets feel the pain of poor divorced or single women..
let polygamy be acceptable and as good as any marriage..this will help more and more women to get married and get a hilal way of living in a society.
Secondly i agree that man has shown no charachter and integrity by committing zina ( Adultery) with the girl he loves while he is married..but even now they can take their families in confidence and plan to marry..whats a big deal about it..As long as both of them agreed and committed and fear Allah..
May Allah guide us on the righteous path. Ameen.
Engineer: I mean to correct the situation...please polygamy is not a bad thing.polygamy
Polygamy is bad for women. One does not have to marry a widow or other needy woman to SUPPORT her. Every one is free to support any one in need.
Are there men who support widows without marrying them?
Imagine I am married myself and I am man of 35 years age..My wife asked me to marry another women to support her...for the sake of Allah..to support someone who has no one to look after...
Allhumdullilah I have a wife who is practicing muslim..even i have not yet decided but I appreciate her thoughts..
If we dont feel the pain for our ummah our sisters and our brother ..we encourage haram and we are responsible for that haram that exisits in society..
May Allah SWT guide us to the righteous path
Enginner: Imagine I am married myself and I am man of 35 years age..My wife asked me to marry another women to support her...for the sake of Allah..to support someone who has no one to look after...
Would you marry a 60+ yr widow who has no one to look after her? Most men who go into polygamy want young virgins as their second, third, fourth wives. Many older arabs marry teenage poor Muslim girls for sex.
Engineer: Imagine I am married myself and I am man of 35 years age..My wife asked me to marry another women to support her...for the sake of Allah..to support someone who has no one to look after...
Why imagine, go find a widow with kids to support her?
Inshallah I will marry...for sure.. I have no doubts about it..Allhumdullah
there are plenty of divorced , widows who can be helped..by giving them support as a husband
Look at Afghanistan..Syria..Iraq...
we just want to think selfish..that my husband should not be shared...becasue we dont fear Allah..
Sorry if i have offended anyone of you. You are absolutely right that Man should have integrity and character.
But i disagree with you.. Man does not need to ask his first wife if he should marry second..Well and also leaving a husband because he decides to marry another women is also not legitimate by Shariah. ( Please correct if I am wrong).
Sisters,Tell me one example from the life of Prophet MOhammahed and his closest companions..if any time did they seek the permission of first wife to get married to second wife....Well the only thing those men have very very clear was the level of integrity and imaan...
Well I agree one should prefer to marry poor, widow, divorced women to help them ..but again sister..most of the time women are never ready to accept a second wife...why is that..why is that a women can bear to see soo many widows,, divorcee and women a wife would never allow his husband to marry them..Wife / women will allow a man to do charity,,to give out zakat but wont allow a man to marry a poor women who might have kids..Lets have a heart big enough to share for sake of Allah...this attitude of women to not to allow their man to marry any other women has caused more damage than good in our society..i believe if we accept polygamy as it used to be at that time of sahaba.companions of prophets than there would be lesser social evils..At the same time man should be honest to his all wives.
Well by the grace of Allah SWT If ever I do any good to any women by marrying her or without m arrying i will do it for sake of Allah neither for my wife nor for showing off to this shortlived world ..inshallah.
Even if we dont like any part of shariah ( polygamy) we can not say thats not allowed in islam ..thats the sunnah of Prophet Mohammad,, and companions of Prophet
Well sister i wont mind marrying a women of older age divorcee and widow..Allahumdulila..i have no ego in this regard...but still Shariah does not stop me marrying virgin or widow ..and as long as shariah does not stop me ..i should not fear any one...except Allah..
I once again apologize if i have offended any one.
May Allah guide us all...
I would disagree . A woman has a right to get khula from her husband if she has a good reason. A woman does not have to stay trapped in a marriage if she feels she can not accept her husband marrying other women. Women in Islam are not slaves once they get married. Even if a woman is unhappy she does not have to ever stay with her husband ,as she is never a slave to a husband. Some women may be able to accept a husband who will marry other women and some women can not accept this.
Ms. Merva, you are right women can ask for Khula..if she is not ok with his husband..
But this is not the reason for women to ask for khula..if a husband marries another women..and still be fair to his wife ...why 1st wife wants to take Khula...shariah does not allow this.
I never mean women is slave..but i am mentioning in light of shariah...
Its better for a man to keep 3 girl friends other than a wife to have 4 wives and be fair to All
May Allah guide us all ..ameen
Engineer,
A women has a choice and if she does not want to accept her husband taking a second wife then this is a good reason to get a divorce if she feels she will be so unhappy that it will effect her faith in Allah and eman. Many men do not know how to be responsible and loving in this kind of situation and use this to their advantage. We do not live in the dark ages where women are dependent and slaves. Islam was suppose to bring us out of that age and gave women rights. Many women were dependent at the time of the prophet and needed to be married. But now women can work and they are allowed to work in Islam. Women are encouraged to have interdependence and marriage is not the only thing in life. Women do not need to accept an unhappy and bad marriage just to stay married. Women are not stuck and should have choice in whether they want to stay married to man who has other wives.
@Engineer : "Its better for a man to keep 3 girl friends other than a wife to have 4 wives and be fair to All"
I am sorry that this is your understanding. I guess it is hard to change your mindset. Again, Islam are not using marry 4 to fulfill one's LUST. In fact, look at what is happening in Saudi / Royal families whom practicing marry 4 because of they CAN (keep divorcing one of them so as to keep the legit lucky number 4), the whole world is mocking this system because of them. And of course some muslim who selectively follow some Sunnah - 4 wives - that can fulfill their own agenda.
You may proceed to marry four but DO take care of the widows, divorcees, singles whom are older and be left by the society as they are not a priority for anyone. Extend your love to those women first before go for the young, pretty and virgin. This is the way to take care and protect your Ummah.
Many men Muslim as well as Non Muslim are threatened by women having choices and being strong. The idea of keeping women stuck is what many men want to have power over women. Even the power to get married to other women where a first wife has no right to leave but is stuck. This is not ISLAM but slavery and it is about men wanting complete power and control over women. But women should never be forced to stay in a marriage that she is very unhappy in.
Dear Sisters, I respect your views and agree to few points of your. Women are not slaves at all and islam gave them independence of choice of everything..But also let me correct you islam of 1400 years ago and today is same..Sunnah, Quran , Hadith and Hukum ( orders of Allah) have not changed...Shariah has not changed..
Yes you are right men are unfair sometimes to wife...even if they have one wife..
Wives are sometimes unfair to husband and family...
but above scenairos are irrespective of having 2nd or 3rd wife..and also if some one (royal or normal men) is treating his wife ( 2 or 3) wrong thats not the point.
My point is very simple straight that Islamic shariah and Quran allows men to marry upto 4 wives....if he can be fair to all of them...Most of the Sahabi married 2 or 3 wives...
I get surprised when i hear from Muslim man and women that it was a stone age 1400 years ago...that was the best time for Ummah..under the leadership of Prophet Mohammad PBUH and his companions..these were their practices...
Imagine..today we muslim have made our daily life miserable because we have created our own choice with advance times...today we need minium US $ 100,000 to marry our daughter or son..we dont practice to marry with small expense..we want to show off..this was not sunnah as well..
Similarry we have made polygamy a taboo in society..if a women is divorced and plans to remarry..or man is marrying more than one wife..we will make it socially unacceptable.
We all are responsibile to respect the value of islam and be honest and fair to our relationship.
thats only possible when we fear Allah.
Otherwise if we have 1 or 4 or no wives..we will be committing haram...
Also let me clarify to Sr.K..that lust is kept in man by Allah in nature..so marrying 4 women to satisfy and be honest is not haram...
Marrying 4 wives is absolutely acceptable in shariah by men ..however our todays moderm women would pray and worship Alalh but wont accept sharing his husband...because of jealously....
We must accept islam fully and unconditional..not only islam of our choice..we should accept islam as it was given to us by Prophet Mohammad thru Quran and Sunnah 1400 years ago..pure and absolute.Ameen
May Allah guide us all..
Assalam alaikum Brother,
If you think all women are against polygamy, you are wrong 100%. Personally, I am not against it, but I am against the misuse of it which is how it is practiced the majority of the time. If there were indeed more examples of how the Prophet or the Sahaba practiced it, it might make women feel more secure in it, where women could take more responsibility by not accepting unequal treatment (even if it benefits her) or by refusing to engage in relationships, especially with married men.
Sure polygamy was practiced quite a bit 1400 years ago, but there are many other Sunnahs we put on the back burner along with some Fardh that we could be focusing on as well. And again, to suggest that the OP's boyfriend's solution is marriage--it isn't--otherwise, he is going to repeat and repeat this error. He needs to change his approach in dealing with women.
We get your point - polygamy is allowed - please accept what most women are saying too--jealousy is not the reason women are afraid of polygamy (only), it's a little bit more complicated than that. 🙂
Anyways, this is off-topic now and the OP probably has enough advice on this matter.
Saba: If you think all women are against polygamy, you are wrong 100%. Personally, I am not against it, but I am against the misuse of it which is how it is practiced the majority of the time
Nature keeps the birth ratio of m to f close to 1:1.Assuming there are 50% men and 50% women, If 25% of adult men have 4 wives, 75% of men will have no women left for them.
What is misuse of polygamy according to your thinking?
Nature is heavily influenced by the human experience. In some countries, it is difficult for men to find a bride because when ultrasounds started being used to determine the gender of babies and female births were terminated, it obviously created an imbalance. And in the past, it has been the majority of men losing their lives in wars--I don't know what the exact ratio is in different parts of the world for gender, but I doubt it is close to 1:1...(I'll have to look into that )
Misuse of polygamy is created by some men and some women:
Some men who don't balance their time or use multiple marriages to soothe their desires but if they lack introspection altogether, ultimately fails.
Some women who know they are the "favorite" wife and use this against other wives of their husband or women who step into polygamy from an extramarital affair.
It would be nice, if people were going to practice polygamy to do so in a way to respect the feelings of others involved--without imposing--one can achieve their goal through loving words with their spouse, as opposed to saying "you must." It is a sensitive topic and so therefore it requires maturity, love, understanding--I have seeen examples where it is needed and worked and other places where it didn't work.
@SVS
Very good statistical analysis. However, let's not forget other facts as well, such as the followings:
1. According to same nature study, for every 100 girls, 107 boys are born, but males have a higher risk of dying than females, both in childhood and at adult ages.
2. According to the United States Divorce Statistics, there is one divorce approximately every 36 seconds*. That's nearly 2,400 divorces per day, 16,800 divorces per week and 876,000 divorces a year. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations.
3. The matter is not about 25% of adult men having 4 wives and the other 75% men lacking women for marriage. As it is rare to hear a man complaining that there is a shortage of women for marriage due to polygamy, even in the countries where polygamy is most practiced. Not all men go (or can/will/want to/are allowed to go) into polygamy. And not all those who go into it go for 4 wives.
4. According to a study, there is 23% Muslims around the world. And many women are converting to Islam at such rapid rates that they outnumber men 4 to 1, reports a study on female converts to Islam titled “Women and Conversion to Islam: The American Women’s experience.” According to another study by "The Guardian" in 2013, around 5,000 British people convert to Islam every year – and most of them are women. . As you know, these revert women are not allowed to marry non-Muslim men. Therefore, if every Muslim man is already married to one woman, then what would be the state of the new revert women?!
5. For many different reasons, not all Muslim men are suitable for even a monogamous marriage, let alone a polygamous marriage. In such cases, what would be the state of suitable Muslim women?! Many Muslim women are now looking into marrying non-Muslim men because there is shortage of suitable Muslim men for marriage, as most of the suitable Muslim men are already married to one women.
The above are part of the wisdom why the door of polygamy is still opened in Islam to make life easy. However, polygamy is definitely not and can't be for all Muslim men, just as marriage is definitely not and can't be for every Muslim man.
Healthy discussion. Appreciated your valueable feedback time all sisters.
I admire the love of Islam for all..Allhumdullilah..
Jazakalla
May Allah guide us all .Ameen
If any act is done to please Allah and a person is Allah fearing..He will be honest...
First and foremost conditions for any person to respect relationship is to have fear of Allah...and knowing he will be accountable for his dependants..
Thanks for enlightening me...Real good reasoning...
Converts, Widows, Divorced women..all have the right to get married and live a good family life..and Polygamy can help these issues in lot of ways.
I feel pity for some girls who are showing and advocating their westernized thinking. You are 52 %. In other words, 4% girls or women are left without match. What future do you suggest to 4% population of this country?