Arab Muslim wants to marry Non-Arab Convert
"O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." Quran 2:253
Hello,
I have been secretly (from my parents) dating a non-Arab girl.
I am a first generation Palestinian-American. She is an American. I am very very very much in love with her. We know we want to spend our lives together.
I am 21 and she is 20.
She has agreed to converting. She is learning what she can of Islam and my culture. She really wants to be accepted... but the problem is my family...
My father is VERY closed minded. And my mother.. she has 2 brothers that married non-Arab converts. It would be very hypocritical and hurtful to sneer at me for marrying one. But my father he complains about them and curses them out. He hates that they married Non-Arabs.
He wants me to go overseas and get married to a girl from there.. Which I have seen happen with my brother and 2 sisters and none are actually truly happy... they just "play the part" as my sister put it. But I don't want that.
I know it is haram to date... but that seems far more haram, forcing your kids in to marriages with girls they don't even know.
So my question here are as follows:
-What do I need to convert her (just laillaha ilullah, muhammad al rasul Allah?)
- How do I tell my parents that I will be going against their wants for me?
-What needs to happen for us to be married?
Thank you so much, and may god bless you,
- Bahat
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As salamu alaykum, Brother Bahat,
I am not going to judge you or your family or your girlfriend, you are very conscious of your situation, what I would like you to do is not comparing two different situations to disminish your fault.
You know what you are doing is haram, that is enough, you are conscious and you know what your parents are doing is wrong, enough too, you are conscious of this, and you feel strong enough to go against the cultural barriers first to later solve your religious flaws, I understand with this that you have almost your two legs on the air and it doesn´t sound as a comfortable way of being.
Let´s look for solutions, first I am with you related to traspass cultural barriers, but I will encourage you to follow the straight islamic ettiquette. Let´s see how this task can be acomplished.
1. To convert she must go to the masjid and talk to the Iman, if she says the shahadaa in front of two muslim men will be enough, but if she does it in the masjid with the two male witnesses and the Iman they will give her a document that demonstrate she is muslim, that will be required when she does Hajj. Some people says you can do it by phone, but I believe that if you have the opportunity to do it in the best way, why to be in a rush?
2. Talk to her about the proper ettiquette to get married, you have to stop seeing each other or dating, you have to tell your parents( a tough part) your wish of marrying her, they should get in contact with this girl parents to propose, if your parents disagree, here you are, you go to ask to her parents to marry her (tough part again), are her parents aware she is with you and she wants to convert?( you don´t tell anything about her side and can be as tough as yours, Allah(swt) forbids) only Allah(swt) knows.
3. Before talking to your parents to inform and proceed with the proposal, after the conversion your girlfriend will be like a just born baby, clean of all sin, you don´t want her to fall on sin again, and you will make your best to guide her in the straight path, insha´Allah, but now your duty is to do Tawbah, true repentance from Heart of all your sins, you want to begin your new life with Allah(swt) blessings and forgiveness, insha´Allah.
You have a link on tawbah on the top of the page.
4. Be straight, respectful and kind in your speech to all your family, don´t get offended when they insult you or curse you and forgive them whatever comes out of their mouth, don´t give them reasons or explanations, be straight, don´t let them confuse you or blackmail you, stay straight and firm in your decision, don´t fall down, you know already what to expect, don´t compare, don´t talk about others, focus on your own situation and your wish to marry this girl, insha´Allah. Stay aware of your breathing, bring the air to your belly and relax your shoulder while speaking, if you want to practice before you tell them, just do it.
If you think you would need exterior help, ask your Iman to advice you and help you to communicate to your parents the decision, I am sure he will do it, insha´Allah.
5. To get married you will need the documents demonstrating both of you are single, maybe your birthday certificates, but to know for sure, go to the Iman and ask him how to perform the nikkah and all the documents, witnesses and you have to ask about the mahr, too, he will guide you and inform you, insha´Allah. Be sure you get your marriage certificate.
Brother this is a personal advice, you are the first person after reading many posts that has shown the power many other will need to achieve their goal, I highly encourage you to go back to the Straight Path and be in Peace with yourself and with Allah(swt), this way all this strength that you have in your Heart will be guided to the right steps and will be focused on bringing Light to the situation you are getting ready to live. Many young men and women needs to see someone that can do it, to believe they can do it, your words and your Heart shows to me you are that one, Alhamdulillah. Then do everything in the straight way and many will look at the footprints you left before them to begin a new balanced generation following the Straight Path free from cultural barriers, insha´Allah.
If I can help you in any other issue just let me know, I´ve tried my best for your best, Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) bless and guide everyone of the steps you take in this life and in the hereafter. Ameen.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam. . . I fully agree (100%) with d opinion of sis. Maria. . . . I just wanna add something, it is not compulsory to involve ur parents as ur wali in ur marriage. . U can marry with or without d concern of ur parent. . . BUT BEFORE THIS, try to convince ur parents to allow u to marry her (for d fact dat she wants to be a muslim revert and dat is a very big jihad in ur part) and if they remain on there words, u can as well go to d imaam in a mosque so dat he will give u directives on to get married in d hallal way (without involving ur parents). . . . . InshaALLAH with time, ur parents will get to understand and recieve u both. . . . . . Pls use this oppurtunity to teach her the religion very well so dat she might become a pious and devouted muslima. . . . And also if u know dat her parents will not accept her being a muslim revert, in other word if they will not allow u to marry her because u converted her, then she might decide to hide her conversion story from her parents and after both of u are married, then she can expose every thing to them. . . . Brother try as much as u can to save this lady from entering the hell fire and remaining that torment forever