I need some advice please... I've met a Muslim guy, and we connect, understand and feel so much the same about everything in life....We both wanted to see where we can take this relationship, because we both feel we have found something so great in each other that you just don't find these days anymore.

The problem is, I'm not sure I can convert... I am however willing to embrace a lot of aspects of Islam, and raising the children as Muslims, but he feels that if I don't convert the religion aspect will always be a problem.

I feel that there are people willing to do this and are doing this. So we can too. I believe we believe in the same God, our ways are just different.

Please give me some advice on how to go about it...

This man is an unbelievable man,  and I believe that God brought him in my life for a reason, and I don´t want to give him up

Please help

Leyla Says:

Salaam Rosein,

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you have to choose one or the other.

I am in agreement with your partner. It is the case that a Muslim man may marry any woman "of the book" meaning Christian, Jew or Muslim. Such a marriage does have the potential to be happy and joyful if both partners are on a similar level of practice, and have the discipline and patience to not become offended by each other's practice. I have seen such relationships work in cases where neither party practice their religion, or else practice it very lightly (such as those who are Muslim, and observe only the rule of avoiding pork, and no other rules who can be happy with a Catholic who observes only the rule of Christening and no other rule). Where both parties have a religious identity by name, it can happen - however where there is a greater religious consciousness in one or the other: problems begin to occur.

If this man or his family have a strong religious consciousness, then marriage outside of the same religion is highly likely to create a great deal of stress and strain on your relationship which you would not have to deal with when you marry someone who is likeminded, and of the same faith. The reason for this is that religious conciousness dominates a great deal of our lifestyle choices, or mannerisms and our behaviour: from large scale issues such as what is an acceptable social situation, to small scale things such as how we eat, or how we treat our families. In relatonships where both parties are agreed on religion: a number of things are instanly agreed upon. Where the religions are different: disagreements are rife.

At the beginning of a relationship where we are not living with someone every day and we are not exposed to their families and customs, and they are not exposed to ours: what we are experiencing (in that context) is the very best of each other. In this context it is easy to conclude, or romanticise that love can conquer these things. This is not the case - love cannot conquer pre-programmed religious disagreement, because adherence to faith will always take precedence. These problems will show up in your relationship continuously and the conflict will erode any feelings of love: because the disagreements that can occur are so deep, and so important to each party. They are, after all, moral values: which cannot be changed.

When this mans asks you to convert to Islam, what he is asking you to do is to accept a certain way of life and agree to a code of conduct and agreements wholeheartedly. If, after reading, researching and seeking within yourself you see that Islam is the right path: then accept it wholeheartedly. If, on any level, you feel in yourself that you disagree - but that you can "deal with it", then your conversion or acceptance is insincere, and you will be union will be based on falsehood. Union based on falsehood (either to yourself or to the other person) rarely succeed.

Therefore, my advice to you is to take some time away from this man so that the throes of love are not too much influence over you - give yourself some time out, read the Quran and research Islam. Look at Muslim people, their life, the way they live, the rules they accept, the way that they dress and see if you find beauty, inspiration and a magnetism to it. If you feel a magnetism to it - pursue this feeling, until you accept it and convert.  If, on the other hand, you find any part of it repulsive to you - know that one day, (if you convert and marry this man whilst you have this feeling) one day you will find him repulsive also, and will you will find teaching it to your children equally distasteful.

Thing long term. I can see that in the short term, you really want to be with this person, however marriage is a serious commitment, faith is a serious commitment, religious practice is a serious commitment and it is not an issue that can be ignored, brushed under the carpet or set aside for love.

Peace,

Leyla, Editor, Islamic Answers