Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help Me, I am Married and going through many problems!!

Marriage age differences in U.S. couples

Marriage age differences in U.S. couples

Salamu Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wa barakatu

I am an Arabic Muslim woman married to a non Arab Muslim convert.  We have been married for 4 years and currently have no children. He has two children from 2 previous relationships, he is 15 years older than me.

I am a very spiritual, compassionate and intelligent person and trying to be a better Muslim woman and a person as the days and years go on. My husband converted to Islam before we married however only started to pray recently, yet still doesnt know anything on how to be a decent Muslim man.

I work full time as well as cook, clean and support my husband.  He works from home.

From the moment I met my husband I have always been very supportive of him and always encouraged him to be the best he can be, in his career and in his everyday life and in a lot of aspects. However, I find myself constantly trying to tell him what’s right and what’s wrong and I am getting frustrated that he never uses his common sense nor his initiatives to be the man of the house or make firm decisions and instead waits for me to make decisions and say what’s right and wrong.  I get so annoyed very quickly because I feel sometimes he is very slow with things and takes his time to do anything and I find myself almost being like the man of the house.

We seem to have a very difficult communication and understanding barrier in our marriage which makes our life together seem really unbalanced causing us to argue all the time.

In the beginning of our marriage he was always  telling me what I was doing wrong and making me feel very insecure about myself, rather than advising me on what I can do to improve on things that he didn't like and  instead he always shouted at me and put me down making me feel very hurt and angry. I used to cry a lot telling him that he was right in his points but why he was always very aggressive and hurtful with his words and demanded that I change there and then.
I was very young when I met him and due to his lack of advising me I feel this has made me grow up very quickly and making me feel very distant with him.  He doesn’t support me mentally and physically making me feel always that I am alone, I have always said to him that I feel like we lead separate life styles but he would never understand me saying that I was being paranoid. Even our sexual life is low and I don’t feel very satisfied, I don’t feel as attracted to him as I used to and this is all still too early on in the marriage where we haven’t even had children or anything.  He approaches me but I dont fee interested at all and I am scared because I also don't want to give him any reason to go else where but I cannot help it.  I have explained to him on this point that I want him to approach me in a more sensitive way to make me feel more comfortable with him.

Also, he has lied to me on many occasions on things he considers to be 'white lies' and thinks its okay which cause us to have arguments.  This has made me less trusting towards him and I feel these lies have made me realize how much he doesn’t consider or respect my feelings which causes us to have arguments. Due to  the amount of arguments and the lack of trust, this has made me lose a lot of respect for him and has made me very defensive towards him. Whenever we have a disagreement on something he uses the fact I don’t pray fully as an excuse for our problems, he regularly tells me that the reason behind our problems is because I don’t pray, whenever I try to explain that I will pray but I will do so in time and that we need to address the issues we are going through, he starts to shout and tells me that I have issues and that I’m not a grounded woman. I find myself really not being grounded due to the lack of effort he shows towards me, and the imbalance I feel at home and the fact that he isn't compassionate nor sensitive towards my feelings.

However despite these points he is a very good person.  It has always been me that has tried to make our relationship strong and suggesting ways for us to have a good and healthy marriage and know what a marriage should be like within the Muslim family due to the education I had at home even though he comes from a very good family himself.

Lately, I find that I am always angry and frustrated and feel like there’s a lot missing from our marriage. I love many things about him, as he is a good person but I feel as a husband he does not provide me with the security and the support that I believe should be present in a marriage.  I am a very straight and honest person and would never do anything to make him feel the way I feel. However, when I communicate my feelings towards him and tell him how I feel he recognizes his mistakes and says he will change. However, I am getting more mature and what I’m expecting from my husband is getting a lot more than when I first married him and due to the time we have been married I am losing more patience and interest towards him.

I have learned to accept a lot of things and obstacles and have had to take a lot of negative issues from my marriage, but I am reaching a point where I do not know what to do. I would really like to have children with him however I am more scared now to have this responsibility because of how I feel with my husband and recently I find that I am constantly questioning my marriage and even thinking of divorce.

I sometimes question myself and think that maybe due to the cultural differences that is why we are experiencing all these problems and I feel that nothing comes easy to us because maybe we aren’t meant to be. I feel sad when I think of life without him and also start to question myself as a woman. I would really appreciate some good advice on this as I do not know who else to turn too or talk too



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3 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum AQ,

    Thank you very much for sharing and opening your Heart.

    You seem quite a young woman, certainly different culture has weight in a relationship more with the age difference, he is done and you are doing yourself. You should see this in other perspective, he will be doing himself always, this way you will give him the opportunity to change and improve, insha´Allah.

    The way you think of him will stagnate his growing someway, you don´t talk about him as a wife that respect her husband, or a woman that respects a man, you lost respect for him as a man, in the way, you should go where an when you lost it and recover it. What prevails in a relationship in a man is the respect of his wife towards him, you don´t respect him, he may not be the kind of man you are used to, but he is a man and he deserves to be respected as a man. He may not do what you expect him to do, but this is what you expect not what you have. Once you know who he really is, you will know what to expect from real and this way you won´t be so dissapointed, he is who he is, if you accept who he is, life will shine different for both of you.

    I think what you felt for him at the begining was a strong infatuation and now that is gone and you are looking for some bond that connects you to him to the rest of your life. Well, you have the choice to love him as he is, have a family with him, and go on with your life as his wife, or put yourself on a side for a while and see what is what you really feel for him. He is the way he is and probably he has been like this always but you didn´t want to see it before, think seriously before making any movement.

    Both of you work at home, I would encourage you to do something outside from home, go to lectures, study, something where you can spend some mornings, this way you will be separated and when you go together you will have experiences to share.

    If you spend 24/7 together, that may be a bit too much, you may get some distance to appreciate one the other. This are just some thoughts.

    Learn about your deen, go to your masjid to see if you have lectures for women.

    Real Love is what you have now, you can choose to work on it, if you want to, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) give Patience, Light and Respect to your Heart. Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  2. Sister, I don't know your age, but for me you sound immature. You mentioned your husband is 15yrs older than you. You obviously married this man because you loved saw something in him... Did you think that marriage is feeling like you did the first few months for ever?? NO-WAY** It is a commitment and it takes work on both parts... not a one way street ! Basically, you want to leave him cuz you are bored... this is so immature !!
    Maybe you should leave him so he can find someone more loving, caring, nurturing and mature. After all, your main issue here sounds like your sexual life is no longer interesting ! Well, what makes you so sure the next man will give you more sexual pleasure??? It may be exciting at first, but after awhile... you will be in the same boat!!! Sister Read Islamic books to get more educated in the reality of a marriage, of LIFE in general. You mentioned that he is a very good man...and good men are hard to come by . If you are seeking for a more perfect guy... GOOD LUCK!! Perhaps that so-called perfect guy is also seeking a perfect gal ! In other words, there is no such thing as a perfect mate, perfect marriage,.... Sister, you asked for advice, my advice to you is to focus on your marriage and become more closer to Allah so you won't feel so much (as you mentioned) anger, frustration... in your heart !!! Good luck and please forgive me if i was too hard with my words but I am not one to sugar-coat things and I too am trying to learn more on Islam !

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