Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Got physical with a stranger I met online and now worried about my parents and reputation

Ashamed womanWell I don't know how to put this ... I've done a lot of bad sins in my life.  Like I go see guys when my parents are strict and don't allow that. But this time I've let myself down. This guy flirted with me on a social network, I didn't like talking to him at first but when I got to know him.. well I started to like him.. He had clearly made it out that he liked me  as well thats what I thought at the start.

He was from the same city as me. He told me to meet him... At first I wasn't sure of this.. not knowing the guy for long, and not knowing if he is real or not. I asked a few people and they said .."yeah he's real."  I believed them and told him to meet me in a near by place. Well when I met him he was very nice to me.. but then he got on top of me and well kinda started to feeling me up...kissing me everywhere. He goes that he wants to do zina. I said no and he said that we'll get married but I want to have sex before. I was unsure and said no.. he goes okay .. maybe not now but later on in the month. I kept quiet.

Well ... Later I found out by my friend that he's a right flirt and he's talking and meeting a lot of other girls. I was so shocked.. I was ashamed because he had done all that to me and left.  I locked myself in my room for quite some time and kept on thinking that what if he goes and tells everyone around the city or my college? And then everyone will call me a 'slag' .. it's always the girls get the blame. I still have the fear.

If it gets out .. my parents will be ashamed in front of everyone and so will I and that they will never talk to me ever again...But most of all I can't look at myself in the mirror because he has left marks around my neck and because I feel ashamed of myself.. thinking that I let him do that to me... let him touch me everywhere. I now regret it sooo much..

I don't know what to do. I don't want to commit any more sins and I want to make a better 'me' . Im scared at the same time... I don't want to ever see him again.. I want to live a better life and be a better muslim. I'm scared that I won't be able to let my husband touch me... because of the way he did .. it all comes back. When ever I think of it .. I cry so hard and think that I won't ever get married if anyone finds out and even if i do ..I won't be able to live a happy life because of this. I've realised now .. that how many sins I've done in my life... And regret.

- Anina

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20 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister Anina,

    It's very obvious that you feel down and depressed. I have experienced a similar situation when i was

    a teenager, but still, from what u've read, u didn't get physical. I don't mean that it's good that you

    exchanged kisses and he touched you, but at least your virginity is protected and you didn't

    harm yourself even more by sharing a very important experience saved for wedlock with

    a stupid boy. Maybe it can give you a little comfort. Of course you feel down and ashamed;

    First, my dear sister, you should know that talking to a non-mahram man in a flirtatious way is

    haram. Observing physical hijab is as important as observing the social hijab. No matter if this happened

    on the internet or somewhere else, Islam wants to protect the dignity of women and you have

    experienced on your own that by transgressing Islamic boundaries, you were violated and

    you should know that you are very vulnerable as a young woman. By wearing hijab and avoiding

    unnecessary contact with non-mahram men, you're going to protect urself and ur dignity. Pray

    a lot of Salah, sit down and think about your life. Do you have islamic fundaments in your life? especially

    when we are young, we tend to laugh at our parents and their strictness. But sometimes they want to

    keep us from harm and don't want us to be hurt. You are young and have normal desires like all human

    beings, and just by forbidding you to talk to guys or flirt( which is absolutely right, the prohibitions are right to

    avoid misunderstandings), your parents don't do

    you a favour. They have to explain to you why it is important to get married at a young age , how you

    can find an appropriate man who is going to treat you with the utmost respect without falling into haram

    actions etc. That is their duty, not just prohibiting things and placing restrictions that remain unexplained

    and undiscussed. You, my little sweet sister, have just followed your human instincts and desires.

    Without thinking about repercussions and the danger involved. He was a stranger , he could have raped

    you as well!! This was dangerous and Allah subhanahu va taala protected you, thank god. Human

    beings aren't perfect and you have made a mistake, seek the forgiveness of Allah subhanahu va taala

    and do tawbah in your salahs. He will forgive you , he is the most forgiving and merciful towards his

    creation. Talk to your parents and who knows, maybe you're gonna find a good husband and if you're

    not ready for it, make a list with the main priorities for an Islamic marriage, for the future. Don't talk

    to your future husband about the incident, but try to forget it. It was a mistake, and it's over. Vala Taghrabu Zina(

    Don't go near Zina) includes not approaching non-mahrams and certainly not talking to them on the Inter

    net. Change your whole lifestyle and u'll see how happy u'll become. Talk to ur parents about a possible

    sexual frustration and the halal way to get rid of that. (marriage)

    Maybe, when you have found your Islamic prince Charming, you will be able to talk to him about that

    incident when both of you have become more familiar with each other. But at the beginning , u're not

    supposed to mention it. Whenever you think of that incident, say Astaghfirullah rabbi va atubo aley

    va send a Salawat upon Muhammad. I think that may help you forget about it and get over that as ur female

    integrity has been violated. When you marry your future husband, he will be your whole life, the reason

    why you get up in the morning and sleep at night. He'll be a garment for you and you'll be a garment for

    him and you know what that means, honey? It means that he's gonna conceal your faults and mistakes

    and among those mistakes are also the mistakes of your past. He has made mistakes, you have made

    them, but once Allah has united both of you, they will evaporate as ur gonna have one another.

    Find your garment and insha allah he'll be the best husband in the world.

    Forget about that. Nobody's perfect.

    Salams

    • Thankyou sister 🙂
      From that day on I started wearing a head scarf and still do ... I have not made that mistake again.
      I also pray salah and repent daily .. I have not forgotten my sins as they help to keep me on the straight path..

      The problem that I have come across now is that he's with one of my friends..he has done more stuff to her... I told her that he's not a good person but she doesn't listen and still goes after him ..

  2. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry for this burden of shame and fear that you are carrying on you.

    You are well aware that all of these activities are haram, and now you have felt the wisdom of these rules, and the reason they were created: to protect you from these harms, and you protect you from having to go through this experience of being used, of being afraid of being discovered and breaking your families heart and every other emotion that comes when we violate the rules that exist only for our benefit.

    From my perspective, you have been very fortunate that this did not go further than it did. You are clearly blessed mashaAllah, as you have made the correct conclusions and you have felt the pain of guilt which only comes from being sincere.

    I would recommend that you close this chapter. It will take you a short time to get over it: but you will get over it. Your activities may be known by a few - but it is unlikely that it will reach home. Especially not if you have made a clear and firm intention that you will keep his from happening again.

    Avoid making apocalyptic conclusions about your future, and resist assumptions that your life is forever ruined. After hardship, comes ease and elhamdulilah, as bad as this experience has been - there are blessings even in burdens and mistakes when they bring us back to the straight path.

    Time will pass, this boy will move on to a new hobby, this moment in your life will fade into your memory bank and the day will come when you have solidified yourself with clean intentions and pure heart and understand how fortunate you are that you did not end up with an even greater sin to bear than what has already been done.

    No matter what you have done in the past, or what rules you broke, I can see from your writing that in spite of those things, there is a very decent young lady inside of you who cares for her family, her future and her life. I don't know what let you to these behaviours in the first place, but I can tell you that you have made a very good decision. Your last paragraph shows very good signs of the person you are deep down inside: your heart speaks volumes, so I would advise that you maintain the connection to that intention you have made, keep the promises you have made to yourself, stick to the codes and morals that are set out for us and inshaAllah by this time next year you will feel better, stronger, purer and wiser and this will be the last time in your life that you will ever have to feel the burden of sin, and the pain of lust.

    Nurture that good clean person you are within, give her strength and confidence and let her shine and inshaAllah she will defeat any evil whisper, bad intention and action with ease and efficiency for years and years to come.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  3. you said he's a right flirt? i think the right term is SEX MANIAC! consider yourself lucky. learn from your mistake, i can also understand if rumours go around, but they dont have proof of what you did so just deny them.

    one more thing dont let guys easily sweet talk you into meetin them, who knows what theyl do.

    peace......

    • Yes he is a 'Sex maniac' as I have heard from more people that he's being doing this for a very long time and to many girls. He has also commited zina. I just thank Allah many times that I was saved.. I am truely lucky. & after this I think about everything twice ..

  4. I want to thank you for not giving in to him, for others might have done so. U need to understand guys will go in great deals and pain to get with a woman. And when they do, they play them and leave them to cry. Guys tell woman wat they wanna hear, please b careful... ask Allah for forgiveness, and repent. Inshallah he will pay for his sins. Try to forget to what had happened.

  5. Forget past. Live in present. Cmmn.You are a nice girl. Dont worry..

  6. Allah says:
    "And those who invoke not any
    other god along with Allah, nor
    kill such life as Allah has
    forbidden, except for just cause,
    nor commit illegal sexual
    intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the
    punishment. The torment will be
    doubled to him on the Day of
    Resurrection, and he will abide
    therein in disgrace; except those
    who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah
    will change their sins into good
    deeds, and Allah is Oft Forgiving,
    Most Merciful."
    [Al-Furqaan 25:68-70]

    Are you familiar with the story of "Ahmad the Repenter"? You'll find the video and audio lecture about him on the internet. I highly recommend you to listen/watch it.
    May Allah grant you ease in your affairs!

  7. Subhanallah! I forgot to recommend "The Quest For Love & Mercy" by Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibaly.
    Find a madrasah where they follow the Noble Qur'an and authentic Ahadith in accordance with the understanding of the Sahabah, study the students, and perhaps you may find someone good.
    Another great place for advise is http://www.islam-qa.com and if you feel you may need therapy, contact Dr Dirks through http://www.dirksonlinebooks.com
    Learning the deen, especially tawhid, will help a lot. You can try http://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com or http://www.kiu.org
    You can also get a list of recommended sites from http://www.bilalphilips.com
    Always remember that all of mankind err and the best of those who err are those who turn [to Allah] in repentance.
    Barakallahu fikum!

  8. Dear sister Anina Salaams

    Whatever happens NOW please do not make anymore mistakes you are very lucky it didn’t go further let the past be the past. Fear allah and improve being a better human living for you and yes your story hits home and should send a STRONG message to all girls out there izaat does matter and at any cost we must never give in as parents make us for who we are. These sort of men don’t deserve to be happy if they are ruining for there own time passing why don’t they realise serious mistakes have consequences too but also are looking for naïve girls and yes no one learns until it happens to them that’s why I pray to all sisters out there don’t go through this has I feel for the parents more. Inshallah for you save your love for someone who will appreciate it and trust me you will know it was for the best.

    Wish you the best w/salaams

    • I shall never commit that kind of mistake ever again ..
      I pray to Allah that no other girl goes through the same pain.. & now I see my parents point of view positively.. I am also trying to keep my sisters away from talking to boys but its hard as they are going through the teenage phase.

      Inshallah I will get married soon.. I am saving my love for my husband only now.

      • Salaams Anima

        I am very glad to hear this and yes you are right both girls and boys go through this but it is us as women and sisters to help our own sisters to realise their mistakes and support them through our experiences in life so they don’t suffer the hands of these vile men. Unlhumdiallah you now will being supporting your sisters as you know this is not right and this isn’t taken lightly. Inshallah I also pray you find love and happiness you deserve ameen.

  9. Please watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxn0iFAzbMY so you can be aware of a more tragic case... It truely is a must watch.

    See http://www.islamswomen.com to know what you, and other sisters, are worth. Brothers should remember to lower their gaze while visiting the site! Just kidding - lol. Oh, and speaking thus, Allah says:
    "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from Zina illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from Zina illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like palms of hands or one eye or both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer dress like veil, gloves, head-cover, apron, etc.), and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms, etc.) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful." [Q24:30-31]

  10. "I am also trying to keep my sisters away from talking to boys but its hard as they are going through the teenage phase."

    Make lots of du'a for Allah to guide them and ask your parents, especially your mum, to also make du'a for all of you.
    Shaikh Sudais, the Imam at Masjid al-Haram, said he used to drive his mum mad as a kid. Every time he did that, his mum would say "may Allah make you an Imam" (instead of invoking curses on him). His brother also used to drive her crazy and she'd make the same du'a for him as well. The brother later became the Shaikh's second Imam. Allahu akbar!
    You need to be aware of the status and etiquettes of du'a in Islam if you want your's answered. I recommend "Du'a the Weapon of the Believer" by Yasir Qadhi for this. You can download it on pdf for free from http://www.kalamullah.com or download the audio explanation by the author from http://www.audioislam.com
    Remember to ask Allah to guide that brother so that he can be of benefit to the Ummah. Also remember me in your du'a as well!

    As for da'wah to your sisters and friends, you need to seek knowledge first before you call others to it. As for the da'wah methology, I recommend you watch/listen to a lot of Yusuf Estes via http://www.tubeislam.com. You'll also get good materials from http://www.islamswomen.com bi idhnillah.

    If possible, you could have your local Imam, counsellors, etc organise an awareness program on the dangers of this fitan.

    Barakallahu fikum.

    • Assalam-Alaikum, Brother Abu Abdullah.

      JazakAllah for sharing Shaikh Sudais's story. No doubt mother is a blessing and a mother with such prayers for her children, SubhanAllah.

      regards,

      • Wa alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah brother/sister Concerned.
        Wa iyyak! May Allah make us, and our parents, righteous enough to enjoy these benefits and more. May he also save us from beign supplicated against especially by our parents. Amin!
        Please remember me in your du'as.
        Barakallahu fikum.

  11. Dear sister Samina,
    I agree with you. In addition to what you have said, I think you sisters should seek knowledege of the deen, do a counselling course or two, and aquire any other knowledge/skill that can help you set up an organisation (or work with an existing one) to combat this issue.
    http://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com is almost free and very convenient to learn Islamic Studies in English.
    One may be fortunate to get a scholarship to learn Islamic Studies or Shari'ah at http://www.kiu.com in both English and Arabic.
    If you prefer to be in a classroom, I recommend Saudi universities. They're totally free! They send you a free ticket upon admission, they give you free return ticket to your home country every year for summer holiday, free accommodation, monthly pocket money, an so on. They're also the most cautious when it comes to creed.
    I highly recommend anyone who intends to seek religious knowledge to read "The Etiquettes of Seeking Knowledge" by Bakr Abu Zayd. Its available on pdf at http://www.kalamullah.com for free. Also see http://www.islam-qa.com/20191 for tips on seeking knowledge.
    British universities and colleges have one-year degree programs in counselling. Which reminds me, are you all familiar with nannying? Please checkout videos of Nanny911 and Super Nanny on youtube to see how effective it is.
    As for marriage, I still recommend you read "The Quest for Love & Mercy" by Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibaly (www.kspublications.com/the-muslim-family-1). Its available in many online stores. You can get a free pdf copy from http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/Garments%20of%20Love%20And%20Mercy.pdf but buying the book is far better because it has a lot of valuable information that's not in the pdf version. The prelude, which is not available in the pdf, is the most important part of the book.
    May Allah grant us all success. Amin!

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