I haven’t told him the whole truth about my past
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim
Recently a boy proposed me for mairraige. He is a nice and religious guy and his family is also very good and I am sure that this time there would be no problem to my parents about a marraige proposal for him actually that guy asked me if I had any previous relationship and I told him everything but didnt have the courage of telling him that there was a sort of intimate relationship between that guy and me.
This guy was like if I am saying everything truth to him we will get married inshaAllah or else not. I know I havnt told the whole truth to him because I was afraid I would lose him.
I just wanted to ask what can I do to cut this guilt from me and ask forgiveness from Allah for all my evil deeds. What are the possible dua's I could make so that this guy and I get married and there would be no problems in our relationship regarding my past. What should I do so that Allah could forgive me?? plz help me out I am in a great emotional trouble..plz reply me asap..thank you.
-deeba
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First do not tell this guy or anyone else of your past. That is a sin and it is between you and Allah so hide it. It was not good to tell him what you already did, but dont tell him anymore now.
I know your not boasting but here is a link on importance of concealing sins. Please read.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/
Because this is a serious matter, there have to be conditions attached.
The scholars mentioned the conditions of repentance, based on aayahs from the Qur’aan and ahaadeeth. There follows a list of some of them:
1 – Giving up the sin immediately.
2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.
3 – Resolving not to go back to it.
4 – Making amends to those whom you have wronged, or asking for their forgiveness. (you have not wronged yur fiancee by not telling him the whole story)
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1069
So avoid such relationships now, including with your fiancee. Give up the sins. Never ever be alone with any guy unelss he is is your husband. Ask Allah sincerely for forgiveness.
A good link on forgiveness:
http://islamicsunrays.com/category/forgiveness/
Recite some duas:
Shaddad bin Aus (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "The best supplication for seeking forgiveness (Syed-ul-Istighfar) is to say:
`Allahumma Anta Rabbi, la ilaha illa Anta, khalaqtani wa ana `abduka, wa ana `ala `ahdika wa wa`dika mastata`tu, a`udhu bika min sharri ma sana`tu, abu'u laka bini`matika `alayya, wa abu'u bidhanbi faghfir li, fa innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta.
(O Allah! You are my Rubb. There is no true god except You. You have created me, and I am Your slave, and I hold to Your Covenant as far as I can. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done. I acknowledge the favours that You have bestowed upon me, and I confess my sins. Pardon me, for none but You has the power to pardon).' He who supplicates in these terms during the day with firm belief in it and dies on the same day (before the evening), he will be one of the dwellers of Jannah; and if anyone supplicates in these terms during the night with firm belief in it and dies before the morning, he will be one of the dwellers of Jannah.''
[Al-Bukhari].
Also there is no dua to prevent him from finding out the past; You can ask Allah to forgive you though and to cover your sin so its just between you and Allah alone. But there are no 'magic duas' that give us a guranteed outcome. Allah does what He wills and He does what He knows is best. Please read this link on duas:
http://islamicsunrays.com/stop-trying-to-change-others/
Another point is that there is no gurantee that he wont find out about your past. It is also a warning sign that he is saying if you lie to me etc I wont marry you. If I were you I would think very carefully about marrying this guy, as if he finds out it may cause you problems. It is always safer to find someone who will not pry into your past. Another point is that you've had to lie due to the question he asked. Next time if asked give a vague answer which is neither a lie. E.g. Q. Have you done zina. A. Alhumdulilah Allah protect me from that. He thinks she means He always has. She actually means Allah protected her from it after she made the mistake. (In that she did it once, regretted, made amends, repented and never went back.)
Another thing to say is 'my past is betweenme and Allah swt.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Assalam Alekoum Sister Sara,
I love reading your replies. Very inspiring and informative feedback MashaAllah. I would be very happy if you could take the time and read my post InshaAllah. I am also in turmoil and in search of an advice. Its still pending though. The heading is "Never dated in fear of sinning but I failed once" by Houda/Lamya. JazakaAllah Kheir.
InshaAllah we will get to in turn. Yesterday, I noticed two posts submitted with the same title. One under Houda and one under Lamya. Did you submit two identical posts under different names?
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamu'alaku
sis i think ur question has been answerd beautifuly by sara.
salam sister Deeba may Allah forgive you.
I agree with sister Sara & hope you will take her advice.
there is no need for you to tell him about your past because you have realize your mistake and asked forgiveness from Allah and that is the most important thing.But you must answer him on each question he asked you and be honest with him.Because you are going to be his wife and it is not good for you to hide anything from him.
Next time when he ask you about anything even if it is a sin tell him and dont fell afraid because if you have realize your mistakes and you have corrected them and asked forgiveness from Allah then that is good.The biggest thing was that if you keep on continuing them.But since you have repented there is nothing to get scare for telling him the truth.And I think also he will come to know how honest and truthful you are and a good wife for him.Because we are human beings & always we make sins no one is complete.
Be honest and truthful always.And start a new page in your life and never go back to your sins.May Allah forgive you and bless your marriage.Ameen
Sister
If , in anyways this guy gonna find out about your relationship , before or after your marriage . It would not workout
So i believe u should tell him the truth , if otherwise he finds out , that would be troublesome.
I understand what u are saying trueblood. But i think she should conceal d secrete since that is an order from Allah through his prophet (SAW)
This is one of the consequences women have to face after having a relationship with a man that doesn't end in marriage. It's unfair because if a man has had a past relationship our culture says it is fine and the women must accept it but if the women has had a past relationship then the man doesn't want the women anymore because shes considered not pure. Im talking about culture here not religion. I think you should look at a persons current state and judge them for that, not there past. It would be best to avoid telling him as your past is none of his business, its between you and allah since you've already repented. Wish you all the best!!
Sister
Ilike to add something
If a man has a past intimate relation with a women , than the the girl has full right to reject the man proposal
Whose stopping her in rejecting is the main problem
Ignorance is ignorance. There are PLENTY of women who are just as uncompromising about their spouses past and will ask about their virginity.
Its not a man or a woman thing Normal Poster.
There are plenty of men and women who are uncomprimising about their spouse's past. Period. Men think its the women that are so. Women think its the men that are so. Thats just how it is. Please refrain from such heated statements. Your experience of women may be so but it is unfair to tar people or a gender with the same brush.
Just a tip, when I read something that makes me angry or if I am annoyed for some other reason I avoid answering straight away and always read what I write first. Try this - make sure you are feeling neutral and are contributing to answering the question before commenting.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I believe that this guy need to know the truth , i know that her sins is between hee and allah
But if she shows the courage and tell him about her past , and hopefully if this guy accepts him
Then she can live her entire life happily without fearing about the revelation of her bad past , and also be releaved of the burden inside her heart that she has to carry throughout her life
Dear deeba,
I agree with sara approach some people wont be able to handle the truth once they know a person's past. regardless how serious or minor. You have repent to allah and at the end of the day no other person has a right to know or judge you. Your problem is the guiltiness of it all and I think allah is testing you now and has brought you back on a clearer path that this rishta came and came for a reason. You are showing emotions of fear towards allah and what if but please do not be scared you repented and thats the main thing. May allah shows you clear path and ease the pain you are feeling.
There are several similar posts to this and there are several posts which are regarding the exposure of a person's past sins on this website too.
Sooner or later unfortunately, the truth always comes out. The matter then becomes how does yoru spouse handle that, some react angrily and reject the marriage and want divorce, others can accept and just move on, but most struggle for a while before moving on. Which of the 3 types are you marrying? If it's the first then you are playing with fire.
"Sooner or later unfortunately, the truth always comes out"
Always? I don't think so bro. If it were to 'always' come out then I doubt the Deen would have made it permissible to hide it - or actually recommended concealing it. It it were to 'always' come out, then the answer is very clear in every case - to also always make sure you expose the sin beforehand.
Many a times fortunately it does not come out. Allah does conceal much of sins, alhamdulillah, and of course, one has to use their common sense too at times like this - the nature of the past relationship and everything linked to it...everything that will determine how likely it is to pop up again in your future or the chances of your future spouse ever finding out if you were not to tell them - one has to use their common sense in this to judge.
Deeba,
DO NOT tell him about that episode in your life. He does not need to know. What benefit will come out of it? And plus...most importantly, islamically you arent required and are recommended to hide sins so that should tell you something.
Another wisdom behind this is also that...think if the person you tell doesnt turn out being as 'pious' as you would expect them to be..what is the guarantee that they will not expose your sins to the world? What if you end up getting divorced and he/she decides to tell all your relatives and everyone in your life about your past sins and tries to embaress you like that? If such a thing were to happen..who would be blamed and what do u think would you be thinking at that moment? Yes - the only thought would be " I wish I never told him."
Be wise.
Was salaam
Do you guys think it's fair for the guy to falsely believe that his future wife is a virgin when she's not? Althrough out his life he will think he married a virgin. This is a tough stituation. Many people will tell you to not conceal your past, but your heart will never rest if past is kept hidden
Tammy, if you read sister deeba's post carefully, you will see that she is still a virgin. Secondly, her past is between her and Allah. It is no one's business. I do not suggest that anyone should lie. People should simply say, "Whatever I have done in my past is between me and Allah, I have made tawbah for any mistakes that I committed. I will not say more about it and I hope you can accept this. If not, then we may not be compatible for each other."
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Tammy, if you read sister deeba's post carefully, you will see that she is still a virgin. Secondly, her past is between her and Allah. It is no one's business. I do not suggest that anyone should lie. People should simply say, "Whatever I have done in my past is between me and Allah, I have made tawbah for any mistakes that I committed. I will not say more about it and I hope you can accept this. If not, then we may not be compatible for each other."
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thats why I got married when I was 18 . Although my wife doesn't live with me as I am not financially capable enough to support her , but we are always there to satisfy each others emotional and physical needs .
I have a advice . Get yourself a women when you are young and make sure that woman is chaste . Marrying to a teenager , increases the chances of finding a noble bride . Also make sure that she doesn't have a past .
If you find a girl , let's say in 20's or maybe in 30's . The chances that she will not be virgin will be very high , especially if you live in the west . Nowadays most people(not all) beyond 20's are "technical virgins" ,which means that they had done every intimate act but not intercourse(except anal sex) . The questioner does fall under that category.
@Tammy and all men(who are virgins themselves , no double standards please) , should straight forwardly tell their prospective wives that they want a virgin and a real virgin , not a " technical " one . You should tell her immediately before the courting period gains momentum , as if she is not a virgin , she must leave and find other man . period
Salaams Lala,
It doesn't matter where people live West, East, Europe you will always meet good and bad people and it is always the bad who represent giving the good a bad name. I have learn so many things in life as i got older do not judge the book by its cover concentrate on yourself to learn about the deen of Islam and follow what is expected of you from allah. It don't matter where you come from or what you know its all goes down to how much you fear allah of committing such acts and those who do however minor or serious may allah forgive them to bring back to the correct path of serving allah.
I don't think the physical virginity is anyone's business.
Salaam Dear brothers and sisters,
Samina I like your post and Wael and sara, mashallah good advice.
There is a big difference between giving advise based on our mind and what it judge to be right and wrong, and giving advice based on hikma of our deen. We should always look at what prophet did, or advice in this kind of situation. If we follow what our deen says we will never cause problem in future and there is a important HIKMA in doing so. And If we follow our minds then we must bear the consequences.
Now lets look what are the hadeeth regarding revealing your sin says. We can admit we have sin but to tell in to detail of our sinns is wrong?? LETS LOOK WHY
From among the teachings of Allahs Messenger (peace be upon him) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to ones honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O so- and-so! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukhari]
Abdullah Ibn Masoud (May allah be pleased with him) related, A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide. Umar Ibn al-Khattab (May allah be pleased with him) then said: `Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret ?' [Sharh Muslim]
Similarly, if one becomes aware of somebody elses sin, he should keep it a secret. Allahs Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "He, who relieves a hardship of this Dunya (world) for a believer, Allah will relieve (from him) a hardship of the Day of Resurrection; he who makes easy an indebted person, Allah will make it easy for him in the Dunya and the Hereafter; he who covers a Muslim (meaning his mistakes and shortcomings) , Allah will cover him in the Dunya and the Hereafter " [Sahih Muslim]
Wasalaam
What will happen in the future if here husband by any chance founds about her past relationship
Won't this gonna destroy the relationship
If unless otherwise there might be a probability that her past is never revealed to anyone
SubhanAllah, being pure your whole life, protecting yourself from all the nafs and shaytaan alhumdulilah thinking one day you will receive the same, you say they need to fix up cause they reject someone who did the bad deed? Are you serious?
The past with experience defines who you are, again alhumdulilah for making tawbah, thats between them and Allah (swt) but i know for a fact i want someone who no man has touched before, you will find many good muslimahs who are virgins mashaAllah, id prefer them to a non-virgin/technical virgins , but thats me, i have preference, does that make me a bad muslim? I think not, i demand that right, Allah (swt) says pure for pure, yes with tawbah your sins are cleaned, but again thats between them and Allah (swt) we are not here to judge. We only have preference and Allah (swt) wouldnt punish me for demanding that inshaAllah.
Im sorry to dissapoint you, but a woman for me is someone who had taqwa throughout her life. If this is important to someone you cant say they are insecure . Just say, i mean just say in the worse case, the man/woman finds out he/she did the deed before, what would happen? Easy to say, it shouldnt matter, its between them and Allah (swt). I applaud you for not caring about it, but for people who do care, respect their wishes. Simple as that.
@Amna
We should always look at what prophet did, or advice in this kind of situation. If we follow what our deen says we will never cause problem in future and there is a important HIKMA in doing so. And If we follow our minds then we must bear the consequences.
As you say , we should always look at what prophet did ........... Here are some hadiths and a verse
Prophet of Allah Muhammad PBUH said that marry with virgin and fertile woman. Hazrat Jabir R.A. narrated that Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH asked me, "Jabir! Have you got married"? I replied, "Yes Holy Prophet". Then he enquired, "Have you married with a virgin or widow". I told him, "With widow". Then Hazrat Muhammad PBUH told him, "Why haven't you married with a virgin so that she would play with you and vise versa" (Bukhari).
In one hadith, Holy Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, "Make Nikkah with virgin woman since she sweetly talks, give birth to more children and becomes happy on fewer provisions" (Ibn-e-Maaja).
However; Holy Prophet PBUH has never prohibited marrying with widow. He also got married with widows. Although he liked for his followers that they should marry with virgin women.
The pure men are for the pure women, and the pure women are for the pure men.[36.24]
So there you go , marrying virgins is recommended by our deen .
Every man who is a virgin has absolute right to ask , no matter what . As prophet himself told men to prefer virgins over non-virgins . If the prospective bride is non-virgin then she should tell the man directly or indirectly well before hand so that he may find some one else .
We must conceal our sins from the general public . Not in the matters of marriage where some one is hiding a big thing . The thing , which if revealed after the marriage is done , would destroy it . Any ways , starting a marriage with lies , would always be susceptible .
( Mind you , this above post only applies when the man himself is a virgin and has not fornicated or have done in intimate act before marriage ) . I believe in no double standards.
If a man can accept his wife's past then its fine but if he can't , then there is no harm for him to part ways . Preferring a chaste/virgin muslimah is nothing to be ashamed off , provided that the man himself is a chaste/virgin muslim .
ofcourse most males prefer a virgin, and i also certainly do.
but i refuse to buy what you are saying about telling if a persons asks you whether you are virgin or noy.
because like many people said to you already, the past is between oneself and Allaah, no third party.
the prophet[saww] said many many times that the worst of people in the sight of Allaah are those who disclose their sins.
a man came to sayyidnaa 'Umar and said
"oh leader of the believers, i have a girl, whom i burried in the days of jaahiliyyah, then i fel pity and dug her out whilst she was on the brink of death, so then we all came to know of islaam and we imbraced it, then my daughter did something which is worthy of the hadd [ie she fornicated], then she made sincere tawbah to Allaah swt, SO NOW, SOME YOUNG MEN HAVE COME TO ASK OF HER HAND, should i inform them about her past?
'Umar said "woe to you, would you disclose a matter which Allaah has purposely concealed, i swear by Allaah, if you dare tell them about her past, i will make a public lesson out of you [ie i will publically beat you]
reported in taariikh tabaraani.
so a gir/or boyl should never tell her husband/future wife his/her past, no matter how much they are pressured to do so! and no matter how repugnent/disgracefull their past was!
if he finds she is not bleeding after the fist time of the act, she is allowed to say something like she fell in a position which broke her hymen, or she performs execises which could tear it etc.hen in reality she may have lost it because of zina ['iyathanbillah]
there are exceptions to lying [small lies] and there are exceptions to backbiting as ibn-al-Qayyim [r] explains
Dear brother Lala, sorry you have understood me wrong, totally wrong.
We are talking if it is compasory for her islamicly to explain to her husband. The answer is no, according to the hadeeth i have provided you, she does not.
Your preference is whole new story.You have every right to choose a V girl, and you might have a right as well to devorce if you found out your wife had a history. It might be a valid reason for devorce aallahu a3lam, but that does not take her right to have a privacy. If allah has protected her sin let be it, nor you or any body else have the right to expose her. If allah wishes to her past to be known as you say, is a different story but she does not have to confess to any one but her lord who created her. That is between allah and her. If her husband didn't ask the is no need to tell, and if he did she does not have to fully explain, he can eccept or find who ever he wishes. Again it is our sister desicion may allah guide her.
2--You are right all women should be pure and Vi... no one is saying what she did was right or her husband has to eccept. But her past is hers, no one has the right to judge her or do hesab for her. That is only allah's job. As muslim we should condem and preach in a polite manner that any zina is haram full stop. But we cannot Not put a barrier and say, "just because you did this, you are on that side, and we pure are on this side.
Allah when ever he send some one for you, he know this will be your match, if you are pure you will find pure and virgin spouse. And if vice versa it will not last full stop. But then that is allah's job. Not as to have magnifying glass and look for some ones 3amal.
If we want Allah to forgive us, we should be forgiving of others and willing to overlook their wrongs. This is part of what it means to be good to others. Allah describes his believing servants as “those who restrain their anger and are pardoning towards people.” He then says: “Indeed, Allah loves those who do good.” [Sūrah Āl `Imrān: 134]
Pardon, tolerance, and magnanimity should exemplify the way we treat one another. We should be willing to overlook the faults of others. We should even be willing at times to waive some of our rights. We should not always demand everything that is due to us. All relationships are a matter of give and take.
This applies to everyone we have dealings with. It is the way things should be between the husband and wife, between parents and children, between teachers and students, and between governors and the governed. In each of these relationships, there are clearly defined rights and duties, and we should do our best to fulfill them. However, in every relationship, people fass short at times. Forgiveness, forbearance, and pardon bring harmony and love into our relationships.
I found these words are beautiful and exactly what i wanted to say. It is important as muslim to overlook some one's fault you don't know what allah will lift from your sinns as reward.
Above all this information, I do understand very clearly from qur-an and hadeeth you have every right to choose who ever you wish. There is different ruling here.
Amna
In my view do you know how many sinns allah has forgiven us, i beleive it is not right to be harsh on a fellow muslim.
As you said,
Salaam brother Lala.
Usually I do not participate in debates on this site, but I wanted to add one thing. I agree with sister Amna and also I agree that you have a right to such a girl if you yourself are virgin, but at the same time you shouldn't pry into her past. If she has sinned she should cover it. The best thing to do is lay all the cards on the table at the start and mention that you want a virgin spouse as its important to you. Be open and if she gets put off don't assume she has sinned. Quite a few sisters would avoid a brother who specified this, not because we have committed such a sin but for other reasons. Like it opens doors to conversations about his past etc. or he comes across as too strict. I know many sisters virgin and non-virgin that would be offended if they were asked such a thing. Dont ask, just make it clear what you want. But be yourself brother and that way InshaAllah, Allah will find the best virgin spouse for you
Asalam alikum
The best thing to do is lay all the cards on the table at the start and mention that you want a virgin spouse as its important to you. Be open and if she gets put off don't assume she has sinned. Quite a few sisters would avoid a brother who specified this, not because we have committed such a sin but for other reasons .
I agree but can you tell me what those reasons are ? and why these sisters are offended .
Marriage proposals are rejected for far lesser things than chastity . If a sister turns down a guy who is a recovered alcoholic, then people will say she has a right to do so because he could have a possible relapse and fall into old habits or if he is taking a second wife . Yet zina is much much more worse than drinking and polygamy but rejecting someone based on this is wrong according to you. You shouldn't take guarding one's chastity as such a light matter.
Also, I'll put it this way. When applying to university, they look at your past academic record and admit you on that basis along with an interview to see your present self. All this is taken into account when deciding to give you an offer.
. I have tons of hadiths and Scholarly advice to prove my point . I understand your viewpoint . And I don't know why muslim women get all that defensive about it . If you are a good muslimah , knowledgeable in deen and know that chastity thing might be important to men , then they wouldn't get offended .
@ Amna and Sara , I have no problem in accepting your viewpoints but I also want to make it clear that men(chaste men) asking for chaste women is nothing to be ashamed off . This is for all those men who may read this post in future . Please know that , it is your right as you kept yourself chaste . If people get offended by that or they think , you are being too strict , let them say whatever they want to say . Just stick to your decision and don't be influenced .
This is such a shame , that I am discussing these things about my fellow muslim brothers and sisters . 30 or 40 years back , this wouldn't be an issue . I am also very well aware of the fact that a lot of concealing is going on .
Wsalam .
Can't help but agree. Women get angry? For what? I am a guy who preserved myself, like most Muslim guys, until marriage. It's my right to have a spouse who has done the same, zani is for zani and gayr zani for gayr zani. Funny ladies, do you also not get offended when women declare they won't marry a non-virgin guy? Let's not let this Western 'battle of the sexes' hide the fact that man or woman, going into peoples past s in detail is a sin. If this is something they did 7 years ago and quit. Leave it. If it was three weeks before you meet them, I would be a little more concerned and just respectfully decline.
Be that discreet. IT IS that simple
Brother,
I never said there was ANYTHING wrong with rejecting someone on chastity if you are chaste. I also agree with you that there is nothing wrong with a chaste male seeking a chaste female and a chaste female seeking a chaste male. In fact I would feel a bit funny if I knew my husband was not a virgin. I just think that you have to be very careful about how you go about it. You have to have adab and you have to have the right attitude and be a bit more open minded. That doesn't mean accepting a woman who is not chaste, but thinking the best about people. I do not care that you are male. If a woman was writing your post I would reply the same. It is your flippancy that is concerning and your general assumptions. But in your defence, what is good is that you are being yourself. The worst are the ones who hide their harsh nature and it comes out later.
And I understand how you feel as I too held your viewpoint for very long. But I do not want to be accused of judging, of course I'd prefer it. If I get a chaste man, Alhumdulilah, if not then Alhumdulilah as well. As long as he is a good husband, pious, loving and his past is in the past, I should not be prying into it. A virgin man is my right, but still I dont want to let it cloud the way I act. Also purity does not give someone a status over another. Remember that no human is better than another except in faith. It may be that his sin made him feel so ashamed, it brought him back to Islam and strengthened his faith. Allah knows best.
"That's what a pious Muslimah would say anyway"
Not necessarily. Your post is full of assumptions, many of which are not true. A pious Muslimah, past or no past would not talk about her sins.
Look all I am saying is make your point that this is what you want and leave it at that. She can answer how she wishes and the ball is in her court. If shes chaste she can pursue, if shes not she may be put off. If shes chaste and offended then she won't. Chances are if she is offended then shes probably a bit softer and not the best match for you anyway. Just have adab.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
By the way sister sara . I noticed some sentences in your post which is indirectly painting me as judgemental and harsh person .
But in your defence, what is good is that you are being yourself. The worst are the ones who hide their harsh nature and it comes out later.
So I am being harsh ..... ?
And I understand how you feel as I too held your viewpoint for very long. But I do not want to be accused of judging, of course I'd prefer it.
So I am being judgemental ...?
Chances are if she is offended then shes probably a bit softer and not the best match for you anyway
Oh , so I am harsh person and the person who is soft is not best match for me . Thank you very much for your opinion .
Yes , you are right , we should end this debate , before I get insulted once again .
I apologise for insulting you. It was not my intention and certainly did not mean any malice behind my comments. On hindsight I can see that what I meant to say does not match what I actually said. I am speaking primarily from my own experience and viewpoint and yes the truth - I view some of your previous comments as harsh and flippant, although I agree its your right. Regardless of what I thought it was wrong of me to judge you.
Please forgive me InshaAllah, and I also agree to end this debate before I say something offensive again.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Possible reasons:
- If the sister is reserved, the question may embarass her.
- It insults her integrity.
- Fear that if she doesn't bleed on wedding night (as some virgins just don't) she may be deemed 'unpure' and divorced or be mistreated as a result.
- If you have protected yourself against something or have not come near a deed it can be rude and seem like an accusation.
- The guy may be one of those who likes to pry. Pretty unattractive.
- Him asking these questions, makes you think about asking him questions - opens the door to sins, creates suspicions. I prefer not to think about whether he has a past, it would upset me. Therefore any questions about past are off-limits. If he stated he wanted a girl with no past however, that is fine for me and I wouldnt be offended.
Only the last reason is my reason. The rest are other possible ones. I am glad you are married Lala, Alhumdulilah, so why are you worrying if you are sorted.
Normal Poster: Throughout uni, college and my life I have met many many many Muslim brothers who took girlfriends and had pre-marital relationships and still say the girl they marry must be an untouched virgin.
On the other hand I have met many sisters who are virgins and do not make a big deal out of it. Yes it means more to a man but what I am saying is stop sterotyping.
You don't hear me saying that plenty of men are uncompromising. We see things from our own genders viewpoint.
But I do agree if you find out someone recently committed zina then its a bit dodgy.
I am not debating with you anymore, I just want you to look at the bigger picture a bit better. Alhumdulilah, I have learned from you and I hope you can learn from me also. I am also glad to see that there are chaste Muslim males.
Thank you sister sara for the reply . Yes, I do agree with your post . The way to approach this matter must contain adaab and humility .
if I ask that question I would expect the sister to say exactly what I want to know . That's what a pious Muslimah would say anyway but if the sister get's mad or annoyed I couldn't careless I'll just move on to the next one.
If she gets annoyed, you couldn't care less? It doesn't sound like marriage means much to you, or that the woman you are approaching is important to you in any way, or that you even have much respect for women. You sound like you are buying a melon at the grocery - oh, this one is bruised, throw it back. What a careless approach to seeking a life partner. Good luck with that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
By the way, I'm not saying that a chaste Muslim man doesn't have the right to choose a chaste Muslim woman. But there is such a thing as politeness, respect and tact. First you talk to the woman (in a public setting or with her family member) about marriage, find out if you are compatible. Then tell her, "Sister, I'm sorry to ask a question which may be rude or forward. I have always been chaste, and have saved myself for my future wife Insha'Allah, and it's important to me to marry a woman who is also chaste." And then be silent and see what she says. Insha'Allah she will say, "I understand, and I have done the same" or something to that effect. This is perhaps a more circumspect way of approaching the subject, rather than saying, "Hey, are you a virgin, yes or no?"
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm not Sara and cannot speak for her, but I believe the reason that some women would get offended, is that they would consider your question of "Are you a virgin?" to be an insult, as if you are questioning their integrity and religion. A woman who has lived her life as a good Muslimah and is pure, might take such a question to be an attack on her character, or an inappropriate invasion of her privacy.
Sara is telling you as a woman that many sisters would be offended by such a question. If you don't want to believe her, or you want to disregard what she says, that's up to you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
By the way, I'm not saying that a chaste Muslim man doesn't have the right to choose a chaste Muslim woman. But there is such a thing as politeness, respect and tact. First you talk to the woman (in a public setting or with her family member) about marriage, find out if you are compatible. Then tell her, "Sister, I'm sorry to ask a question which may be rude or forward. I have always been chaste, and have saved myself for my future wife Insha'Allah, and it's important to me to marry a woman who is also chaste." And then be silent and see what she says. Insha'Allah she will say, "I understand, and I have done the same" or something to that effect. This is perhaps a more circumspect way of approaching the subject, rather than saying, "Hey, are you a virgin, yes or no?"
I'm not Sara and cannot speak for her, but I believe the reason that some women would get offended, is that they would consider your question of "Are you a virgin?" to be an insult, as if you are questioning their integrity and religion. A woman who has lived her life as a good Muslimah and is pure, might take such a question to be an attack on her character, or an inappropriate invasion of her privacy.
Sara is telling you as a woman that many sisters would be offended by such a question. If you don't want to believe her, or you want to disregard what she says, that's up to you.
If she gets annoyed, you couldn't care less? It doesn't sound like marriage means much to you, or that the woman you are approaching is important to you in any way, or that you even have much respect for women. You sound like you are buying a melon at the grocery - oh, this one is bruised, throw it back. What a careless approach to seeking a life partner. Good luck with that.
Please tell me where did I say that I will throw a question " Are you a virgin ?" on their faces . Of course not . I'll ask them in an indirect way as to not make them angry or repulsed .
However, if she still feels annoyed after me asking the question in an indirect way without letting the V word out , then yes , I couldn't careless , and would move on
Everyone doesn't have to follow your interpretations wael . You don't know anything about me and you are just assuming things about me which are untrue . I know what I want and how to get it . I don't have to change myself because some people don't feel comfortable with what I am saying .
I agree - especially since who have ever played sport, and depending on their physical make up may not be "virgins" in the medical sense at all - so it really means nothing. Noone asks men about this and both sexes are supposed to chaste. I agree that it is an offensive question
Salaam all,
Wael and sarah are very right, it about your approach. Brother to be very honest with you people have different personality and approach to deen. In my life i try not to judge any one, i will have my right and rules to follow but i try my best not to question somebody else 3amal.
You know why, because regardless of how many times i pray or fast or keep myself pure, I dont have a clue which rank allah has put me. How can i not concentrate on my akhera and question some ones else's past. If the person is wild and do not practice at all and have bad reputation, dont propose all together. But if you have ask neighbours friends and family and all you get is good reputation of the girl and you go on and ask about ... innalilah waina illayhi raji3oon
This hadeeth is slighly from different perspective but the messege is dont question, if your intention is good and you think the person is good live the matter in the hand of allah. when you start to judge, allah will judge you as well.
A man from a respectable background came to Balkh in Iran, accompanied by his wife and daughters. Shortly after their arrival the man fell ill and later died, leaving his wife and daughters. Without his support they became poor and suffered. So fearing the mockery of enemies, she fled Balkh with her daughters to another town. On the day she arrived the weather was very cold, so she left her daughters in a mosque and went out in search of food. She passed by two groups of people. One was gathered around a Muslim who was the Sheikh and the other group around a Zoroastrian (Majusi) who was the security officer of the city. She first went to the Sheikh and described her situation saying, "I am a woman of a respectable family, with daughters whom I have left in the local mosque, I have come in search of food." He asked her, "Bring me proof that you are from a respectable family." She replied, "I am a stranger in this town and therefore do not know anyone to testify for me." She departed from him brokenhearted. She then went to the Zoroastrian and explained her situation to him, telling him about her noble background and her orphaned daughters who were,waiting her return. She also mentioned to him how the Sheikh had treated her. The Zoroastrian stood up and sent some womenfolk to bring her daughters and took all of them to his house. There he showered them with honour and generosity. He fed them fine food and clothed them in rich garments. That night the Sheikh saw in a dream the Day of Resurrection and the banners were unfurled around the Prophet (Peace be Upon him). Ahead of him, was a green palace made of emeralds, its balconies of pearls and rubies and domes of pearls and corals. He asked the Prophet (Peace be Upon him), "Messenger of Allah, for whom is this palace?" The Prophet (Peace be Upon him) replied, "For a Muslim." The Sheikh replied, "I am a Muslim!" The Prophet (Peace be Upon him) said, "Prove to me that you are a Muslim?" At that, the Sheikh was dumbstruck. The Prophet (Peace be Upon him) then said, "You asked a woman to produce proof of her respectability, and therefore my question to you, is can you produce proof that you are a Muslim?" At this point the Sheikh felt remorse about his treatment towards the woman and her orphaned daughters. In the morning, he immediately set out to find the woman. He learnt she was staying with the Zoroastrian and so called for him. When the Zoroastrian arrived, the Sheikh requested that he sends the woman and her daughters to him. The Zoroastrian replied, "Under no circumstance! I have received great blessings from her." The Sheikh said "Take a thousand dinars ftom me and bring them to me." He shouted, "Impossible! The one who showed you the palace in your dream has made it (the palace) for me. Are you surprised because I am not a Muslim? By Allah, I did not sleep last night, before I and my family accepted Islam at that noble woman's hand, and I dreamt something similar to what you dreamt; the Messenger of Allah (Peace be Upon him) asked me, "Is that noble woman and her daughters with you?" I replied: "Yes, Messenger of Allah." The Prophet (Peace be Upon him) said, "This palace is for you and your family. Allah created you a believer in preeternity." At that the Sheikh remained sorrowful and grieved for the missed opportunity of earning a lofty position in Paradise, due to his neglect of the widowed woman and her daughters. Allah's Messenger (Peace be Upon him) has said, "The one who strives on behalf of the widow and the needy is like a warrior in the path of Allah". (Bukhari and Muslim,) May Allah guide us to what is right for indeed, He is Generous, the most Kind, the most Merciful!
My brother we dont know who in our family will be pious and who will give us hard time. Raising Kids is not a jock, you might try your best, but if one of them become rebelious you will cry. Dont you think if you overlook someone mistake, allah will protect your daughter etc.
Dont you think you could be sent to bring her back to deen, Kullukum ra3in wakullukum mas-ool 3an ra3iyaty. every one is a shephard and every one will be ask how he look after his cattle. meaning we all have resposnibility to to pull one another towards deen.
I will give you good example of my own family.
one of my family member he was very naughty, jumping on the wall at night, every night to go clubbing. his father betted him up, cry to allah on this brother, no body could help. the whole family they are very religious except this silly boy.
When he got married his mum found him a wife. He made a big fass first then eventually got married. His mother choose for him because he was already lost, if he found another lost soul to start life with, is a big imtihan.
Anyway after repent to allah with his past he got married. His wife was a very religios woman who was slightly worried with his husband past. But Subhanallah now he is respectable sheikh. His wife handle him very well, and push him to practise. He become so interested in islam and went to different arab country to study deen. Now he is preaching others to come back to deen.
No one is perfect, the lady who you think is pure and all that might become crazy after she gets married, (audhubillah min dhaalik) and the one who you thought had a past could be very obbidient and religious after getting married.
Lala dont judge the person just based on his past. Wrong !!!
In mychildhood, my father every evening would give me 1 hadeeth after tajweed lesson. In one particular lecture he said some people start off very nice and they will practice deen well in their child hood and will get lost in their teens, some will be lost in child ood and will go back to deen in their middle age, and some may allah guide us and protect us will spend their entere life practising and will get lost very last end. And some wil be in right path the whole way through. That why as muslim we should ask for khusnul khatima. Sheitan will try you till last minute before your rooh is taken away. as muslims we should always have firm iman and try our best not to get lost.
There is a story of a pious man who left his village and went to do his 3ibada on the mountain.his entere life he was practising till very old age. He decided not to marry or have children. The whole village respected him and knew he had isolated him self for 3ibada. So no one went to bother him.
In his very old age(cant remember 70's or 80's) he had a visitor from the village. Their was a girl who had been ill for ages and the old people in the village suggest that they should go to this pious man on the mountain he might be able to help with duas and ruqya. Once they arrived there, he hesitated first, because he did not want to involve with people, he was looking after his akhera.
The family insisted and told the pious men that they would leave the girl there with man for some time. Shetain has always tried on this pious man, for all his life but he failed and he decided this now is the time to finnish all of his 3ibada he did for 70-80 years. After the family left, sheitan zayin the sheikh and The sheikh did zina with the girl, then the girl got pregnat, to cover himself he killed her and barried her. To cut the story short he did all major sin and became muflis for all the 3ibada he has done for 70-80 yrs in a very short period.
Another Hadeeth
Abdullah b. Ahmad b. Hanbal narrates, that while Imam Ahmad Bin Hanbal was on his death bed, he kept drifting in and out of consciousness, and gesturing with his hands saying: ‘No… No… No…’ When enquired about it, Ahmad replied: ‘The Devil was standing near me, trying his hardest to mislead me, saying: ‘Come on, Ahmad!’, and I was replying back: ‘No… No…’
Now Brothers and Sister we should not judge people on past or present or what they might be in future only allah knows. Sheitan will try his best till the day your rooh is taken away. It was the like that for walees like Ahmad bin hanbal let alone us.
Amna
Alsalam mu Alaikum
Sister Amna your advice and stories are soooo wonderful Mashallah.I learn a lot from them.It is really not good when we judge others and not judging our self first.Everyone in this world is not complete.A person might woke up at the morning and thick that he is better then anyone in doing good deeds and he have not done any sins in his past life and start judging on others on their sins.And a person might work up at the morning and think that he is worst then anyone in doing sins and start seeking Allahs forgiveness and mercy and do more good deeds and be always ready for his last breath in this world.
I have learn a lot from you sis Amna.We must always look at our self in the mirror and judge our self how much good deeds we have done and how much sins we have done and that are we ready for our next journey.We cant know what will happen to us the next day.And are we going to change our ways to the good or bad ways.
Dear sister Deeba I agree with sara,wael,& Amna dont tell him about your past sins he is not the one who is going to judge you Allah is the one who will judge you.Everyone is going to be judge according to his own acts he will not be judge by anyones actions. Alhamdulillah that Allah had showed you the right way and you have realize your mistake.Ask Allah to forgive you and may Allah gives you happy life.and make you walk on the right path.Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and make us always walk on the right path.And make us all have a good ending .Ameen.
May Allah bless you sister Amna & rewards your parents for raising you up in the way of Islam.
Comming back to reality, Lets get out of the box for a minute. LaLa and normal poster your daughter get a proposal from a decent guy. But this guy ask your daughter, !!! behind your back !!! (if she is.....), what ever way you like to phrase the question about her past. how would you feel as a father, if she tells you ?
I know what i would do if i was the father,
Sister Amna, salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Your reminders in these posts, hadiths and narrations have been extremely touching and beneficial to the soul. May Allah reward you dear sister for taking the time and bringing tears to my eyes. (Its not very often someone will thank you for that! Lol)
May Allah swt forgive us, make us true mumins and grant us the strength to overlook the sin of another Muslim which He has forgiven and the person has repented from, Ameen. Its not easy for a lot of people, especially those who haven't experienced being in such a position I guess.
@ Amna .
Oh dear , I was not expecting a lecture . But , I must admit that your post had inspiring stories . I learned a lot from them .
I am disappointed that you still couldn't understand my viewpoint unlike sister sara . Oh well , I think I dragged this chastity thing a bit long . I should probably change my viewpoint for females and marriage in general .
Any way , thank you for your reply .
Dear Lala,
Sorry to have dissapoint you. But you are right in your place, your view point is what islam says, > you should marry who is right for you. I will be questioned by allah if I dont eccept your view point, and my lecture does not reject your rights, it just illustrate that if the sin of the girl did not exceed, and you can bear to live with it. it will be good for you to overlook and not question her. But you dont have to !!!
"May Allah bless you sister Amna & rewards your parents for raising you up " Shukran sisters,
Allah! Forgive him and have Mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrace to be wide and wash him with water and snow and hail.
By Dad passed away when i was 18.
May Allah forgive all his sins and reward him the paradise of Firdos.Ameen.
mas'allah Amna I too have learnt a lot from your replies and from faith may allah always bless you both 🙂
Salaam. Please read this link.
Just an example of other problems which can later occur from revealing your past:
Of course the biggest issue is we are supposed to conceal our sins.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/past-bothering-spouse/
at the end of the tashahhud in every prayer, say ;
"Allaahumma inee dhalamtu nafsee dhulman katheeran wa innahuu laa yaghfiru-thunuuba illaa anta, faghfirlee maghfiratan min-'indka war-rahmnee innaka antal ghafuur-ur-raheem"
"Oh Allaah, i have oppressed myself greatly and there is none to forgive sins apart from you so forgive me with forgivness from you and have mercy on me verily you are the most forgiving, the specially mercifull"
Assalamualaikum sister deeba. I guess my response is infact a very late one, probably when looking to the date you have posted this doubt (mainly because i got to know of this site only today!) But just thought to share an example of a person i know, with regards to this context:
She was in love with a guy during her college life(but not gone to the extremes anyway, at least not lost virginity, especially because their relationship was mainly through mobile chats). Anyway what i want to stress is regarding her later life. During her internship at college, her parents got her married to another man. By then she had made her mind, to no more contact the previous guy, and infact she was mentally prepared to accept the husband fully into her life and remain loyal and be the wife he wishes her to be. ( I dont know why she dint want the previous guy as her life partner. Neither did i want to dig into one's personal matter, unless required for a medical prescription).
After marriage, while they were having a good life, seeing his caring and understanding nature, she innocently confessed to him about her past affair. The husband consoled her and replied ' Now that you have frankly spoken and repented, it shows that your mind is fully cleared now and that we can begin a new happy life from today onwards'. (I remember those words, as i wasnt married then, and i used to think that she was lucky to get such a caring and supportive husband unlike the many wild pictures some of my patients used to give regarding their husbands!)
However ironical to his words, i had to witness her as a heart-broken wife with a dull and hopeless life. I used to pity her when i used to see her during her pregnancy, walking about without any happiness within her.. her husband least bothered about her health and other matters(while usually i see husbands are more worried and caring about their wives, while they are pregnant,especially for the first one). On getting her doctor degree she had keen interest in serving the sick people, while he dint allow her to make use of her professional knowledge later.
This is just one example, which prooves the importance of following what Allah has ordained upon us, of not disclosing our sins to others. There are many other cases too where the marital life is filled with contempt and suspicion about the spouses, which have occured due to the revealing of the past sins by the partner. And this occurs even after love marriages, as a mixture of possessiveness and suspicion..
Allah knows best.
I dont know if these may be of any help to you. But wish you have a happy and fruitful life here as well as in the hereafter.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah.